Elucidating Questions

Because reacting with the people around me is not connecting to the people around me

Every gear that turns, every crank, every script every little thing

Leaves me feeling empty not full.

I just say what I remember I should say.

I don’t know why they’re not worth less than the dreams I see where I speak.

Not talk.

And so I start speaking with the atmosphere or the galaxy or the universe.

Because I called everyone and no one ever called back.

And I go crazy,

But I know what crazy looks like so I see it

And I hate myself instantly.

No one else has ever seen that moment and accepted me.

People know me no one understands me.

It’s understand. I thought I understood them and clearly whatever that never mattered.

I don’t know why the fuck I keep waking up when all I want to do is sleep.

It’s the only place I feel like living.

The famous play pretend all day long.

You say want something

Like what? A car?

So I can get to places where there is still no one to talk to but at least I won’t be where I am?

And in wanting the car does it create my ability to work hard enough to ever be able to find the resources to not only have a car but be allowed to drive it?

I don’t want

When they say hold on

To what?

I already asked to who

The answer was yourself.

I can’t stand myself why in the living hell would I hold on to myself are you daft?

So what then?

Tomorrow?

When I wake up oh I know I’m going to be the one standing behind the counter and nothing more than a being to which things are done dispensing the same script every day

I know I’m going to be thinking about being able to pay rent. I know I’m going to be worrying about things I said. I know I’m going to think of him. I know I’m going to want to talk to him and he won’t want to talk to me. I know I’m going to go home alone, wake up the next day,

And stare up at the ceiling or at adults playing pretend all day long,

And then go to sleep and repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

So

What then if not who?

And why?

Say there was one,

Someone who would sing with me and write with me,

Someone who would play with me and create with me.

Say there was one who would talk to me, and sit with me when I can’t sleep and I’d sit with him when he can’t sleep.

Say there was someone who saw my demons as demons he himself had and could see in my worst moments that I am not them

And I could see the same in his, that he isn’t them either.

Say there was someone like that,

Someone who would love me for me

My you

Whose you I could be

How would I ever find him?

If I don’t know where else to look

How would I ever reach him when I don’t have the ability to reach anywhere?

How would I know that he knows that I’m here and hasn’t already found someone better than me

I said we were connected not that I was best.

How would I know that in comparison to every person he’s ever met I don’t pale in comparison because

How do I know if the me I was supposed to be in the moment I was born is the me I am now?

What if he saw me and didn’t want me after all?

What if he saw me and already had his life figured out?

What if he saw me and what he already had was already worth more put together than I’d ever be worth by myself?

If I hold on

What am I holding on to?

Ugh

He looks at me,

I don’t know what I did but that’s the sound he makes.

At the end I say

Have a good night.

He was already driving away.

I feel the distance the second I say hello,

The two boys in the back seat

One stares, leans over to the other, they say something, they both lean closer to their window

They stare

I say

Have a good night

She says

Yeah.

I stand and I smile,

I am trying to be nice but she’s being very short with me for some reason,

She’s correcting me when I haven’t done anything wrong I read it

Is that right?

She says yes.

It’s just that I’m very Christian.

I turn away and make her order,

I give it to her

Have a good night.

Uh huh.

She leaves.

Why have your prices gone up?

I don’t know I

That’s how much it costs for that?

Yes, but I didn’t decide that I

You’re breaking the bank!

Is it a joke do I laugh do I apologise I don’t understand I

Standing at the bus stop

And he walks up, I offer a smile he

Ugh.

And every time I look up for the next ten minutes he is looking away as he was looking at me in disgust.

Why don’t you correct people when they call you she

Because I don’t want to start a fight.

Why don’t you stand up for yourself

Because I don’t want to start a fight.

Why do you take it so personally

Because it happens every day.

Just like I sit in silence.

Just like I watch the clouds for hours.

Just like I look at every car hoping I will see a face I know just like I

Don’t.

I used to remember faces, details, people, numbers.

Lyrics.

Words.

Now my mind says

All you need is this

They are not the memories of life or happiness or joy

They are the memories of otherness or self preservation or mistakes I should not have made

Because I spent a decade

Living in a place where all I had to remember was how to not set off a spark

To cause an explosion.

So when life is not worth living,

My mind does as it was told.

I found it again.

It comes no matter where I go.

One two three four

Four notes that haunt me.

Somewhere out there

But the only one I see

That echoes that melody

遠いね。意味ない物ばかり。そのメロディーを聞くとどんな顔をすれば良いの?

The yearning it creates is not allowed.

The prodding in a direction I tried to travel in doesn’t change that there are too many barriers to cross.

It doesn’t matter how many times I go back to that night and think about how tired he looked and feel badly for him and think

I wish I could have crossed the line

But I can’t.

This great divide I cannot get across, it doesn’t matter if I hold out my hand there is no one to take it

What do I mean?

I mean I want you with every aspect of my being but I don’t know why and I can’t outrun it, and it follows me,

And I hate it.

Because it reminds me of you,

Like a fucking carrot.

Like every thing I try to reach that they tell me will make things

Just a bit better

But it’s on a string and I have no way of getting to it

And I don’t know what I’m searching for,

And I don’t want to.

It doesn’t get better than I know if this is halfway and this is my life thus far

And those were supposed to be the best years of my life and they are gone

I never had anything worth fighting for.

It reminds me of you and I hate it

Because I take the blame

I always take the blame,

And then they say I am playing the victim.

I can’t escape it.

I can’t run from it.

I can’t move forward because there is nothing in the future for me,

And I don’t want a future anymore.

So why would I look to it, when all I see is the mirror image

Of half a year alone with no one else to turn to

And thinking

It just goes on.

And I don’t want to.

I don’t know what I was waiting for, but it never comes.

I search every day,

I look at people, I look at life as I stand just to the outside and they all pass me by

I’m no more than an accessory

I have no meaning, and I happen to be ugly.

So no one picks me.

But when I was tired of waiting and I went looking

And I sorted through everything

And I fell back to him anyways

I thought it was a sign, and tried to go down the road

All I found was a dead end street.

Now I’m just waiting for it to be over.

I’m waiting for my wish to be granted

After all the others

When no one ever called on me.

And I’ll be there tomorrow, or the next day, or how ever many more days are left on this sentence in hell

But no matter how many times I beg to just be told what I can do to fix it

The answer is

Figure it out yourself.

Day 179,

I’m hopeless and alone.

And I can’t fight it anymore,

So I give up.

I’ll just be until my wish is granted.

I’ll tell you the wish I threw in the well because it wasn’t and won’t be granted.

I wished I could meet your mum,

Because she created someone as beautiful and wonderful as you.

And then I watched it fall,

And as it fell

Not one rose to claim it,

And I fell too.

And nothing I ever do will get through to you.

You point your finger.

You’re always the victim.

I just asked you what I did to deserve being alone for weeks on end.

I just said I feel like I’m not good enough to people

I can’t win can I?

This fucking circle.

I want to know what I’ve done wrong

But there’s no answer except

I hate talking to you.

My time is too important to spend on you.

But I don’t understand

And no matter how much I beg they just turn around

Point that fucking finger

Stop playing the victim.

And then walk away.

If I pretend everything is okay I exist alone and no one wants me.

If I express how lonely I am I’m playing the victim and deserve to be alone.

Being alone kills me as each day ticks past and nothing works and I tried everything

And I’m out of fucking ideas.

I can’t win this game.

I can’t win.

There’s no forward from here no one will tell me what I did and there’s no one to talk to.

So why did I wake up?