Elucidating Questions

I don’t know what I’d do without my mum

She knows so much about my disease already, having lived with it longer than me

And that’s awful

But she’s still this kind, gentle person

Unless you mess with her kids

She gave me the tools to question Christianity

Question everything, really

I miss our long talks

I miss hanging out in the kitchen with her when she’s baking or cooking

I miss her hugs

They’ve always had a warmth to them

I never told anyone this but I used to pray every night that everyone

My friends and family and their friends and family and so on out and out and out

Would be safe and happy

I used to try to make sure I said I love you to my parents at least once a day so they always knew

These habits faded as I grew, and I no longer believed in one god

And I started beginning depressed

And sometimes it feels like she resents when I’m suicidal

But she’s been there for me more than anyone else in my life

She’s loved me when I didn’t love me

She’s supported me when I’ve been awful and desperate

I don’t know if she quite grasps the depth of my solitude

But she tries

And I’m sure if she was well, and still driving, she would come visit me

Unlike everyone else

This disease really takes from you

And I never quite grasped that before

She’s still doing her best for all of her kids in spite of the taking

She has taken everything the world threw at her and still ended up a kind person

And she’s not as radical as me

But she probably set me becoming like this in to motion

She raised an inquisitive, questioning, overly bright kid

I was definitely not an easy kid

She’s just this amazing person

And I wish I could be half as great as she is

The night was always my element

Wandering the darkness

Nights of being alive

Now the night opens up early

And I must dive in

Hoping for messages that make sense

Who were they?

Why do I have to tell you?

Sifting through dust

The shards of my dreams

The light is to bright for them in the day

Right under the triangle

Won’t you wish someone into life for me?

Ah

そう

Does this sky even continue to where you are?

Would I recognise it if I looked up?

It slips away

Never reaching

Fluttering away like the Wind

I thought I knew who you were

But wouldn’t you reach for me too?

Oh

Sometimes the answer is a bit too nuanced

If them it’s over

Here’s their adjacent

What does that mean?

It’s my decision

How does that make sense?

I keep seeing light

Silence

Doesn’t explain anything

Searching the skies for signs of life

Because I can’t find any down here

And my memory

Every conversation melts away

Soon it’s gone and I’m left alone again

And I suppose I could say I need someone

But existing without

I’m doing it, right?

I was right

The loneliness

Seeps into the cracks

The withdrawal from socialisation

Doing fine

Loneliness is just a condition

I’ve been feeling busy today

Like I’ve done a lot of stuff

This is not true

My body just feels like it

Didn’t go to work today

Thanked myself with I had to sleep until 11

This body

Does not meet expectations

I’m so exhausted all the time

Like this weight in my bones

I want to be present for someone

But there’s no one to be present for

I feel like I’m half awake all the day

Clinging to wakefulness

Like if I didn’t hold fast

The daylight would fade away

If I’m not careful I’m dreaming

I think it’s okay to look

At the life I didn’t get

Just for a moment

But it’s just another dream of something not real, isn’t it?

Another sign of madness

Not a sign of someone

Oh I’m never ready

Is it time for Five yet?

Maybe he’ll grant me some energy

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here all alone

But doing nothing and feeling like I had a busy day isn’t it

It’s not

I don’t know who I’m looking for

The map of the future

If I compare it to the past

I’m so afraid

Okay it’s really hard to be serious when the Poké Rap is playing

I actually remember some of it

Why is this in my playlist?

Because every once in a while it comes on and snaps me out of my gloom

Pun intended

There’s no writing on this map

That I’ve been given

To the future

But the life has returned to the Wind

Maybe all is well

And I’m just missing it from this angle

There was someone with me last night

Someone

Throughout the dream

I can’t remember if they had a name

I don’t remember their face

Was it you? Strange spirit.

I was calmer

I didn’t feel that anxiety as I walked around the pet store

I feel like I suddenly remembered needing a cane and they let me take their arm instead

And then the moment of reality breaking through was over and I continued

And I want to say he

But we never used pronouns and my brain is my brain

Who knows

As fleeting as a butterfly

They were there

And now they’re gone

No summoning

No one died

Somehow there

Who could it have been?

I don’t even recall

The part where I’m trapped with my ex

How strange

Why is it that in my dreams I have these people?

My mind making up friends?

Supi was there

They’re just whispers now

They were as vivid as day when I was experiencing them

I wish I knew who it was

I wish it wasn’t just a dream

I want a companion

I am complaining

A relationship I barely remember

A ghost during the day

I know my mind can’t make actual people appear

But it feels cruel

To only have true relationships in my dreams

Is that not pitiful?

Am I too hideous in the light?

Who knows

Me in my dreams is strong, steadfast, brave

I mean, goes to space

That old myth that if you die in your dreams you die in real life?

Apparently dream me is not concerned

Something about dreaming gives me power

But only within the dreams

Plagued

I’m plagued by repeating stories

Like my mind ran out of them

Bitch you dreamt up an entire novel and this is what you’re giving me?

Now they’re just mysteries

Dream interpretation never sounds right

I wish I knew what my mind was trying to tell me

I wish dreaming could make it so I find these people in the daylight

The night can’t swallow me tonight

The darkness may press in

But I put my name down

And can see things changing

So long I was trapped by every little thing getting in the way

And I’ve clawed my way into existing

Swimming against the stream of bureaucracy

Trying to stop me from surviving

Let alone thriving

Disability in this world is set up so that you never stop having to prove you’re disabled

Everything you need

You have to prove it

All because we can’t produce what we need ourselves

Whatever that may be

And I never know why

Because anyone who would willingly submit to this

As a fake

Would have to be so desperate

You might as well give it to them anyways!

This lack of care just in case someone might abuse it

Oh, I want to stay here

But I don’t belong here anymore

Ah well

Keep going on

And I am standing alone

If only they’d forgive my sins

I’m accomplishing something

Despite everything trying to stop me

And this world that couldn’t care less

It’s so easy to say don’t be afraid

When the world is small in darkness

But I do have a power

It’s strange

And I can’t explain it to anyone

Ever

The flame reignites

Somehow

How I want to teach it

I’m being told the night is opening

Can I fight it off for a moment longer?

I’m not ready to follow you home yet

Oh repeating dreams

Oh it’s time for you is it?

You are a wise guy

Oh now the exhaustion has hit me

As it does

Today is not a day to forget

The first day I saw my name on mail

It was real

I got my first piece of mail with my full name on it

My real name

Me, mine

With the whole lot of Ls

Welsh is great

Goodbye ties to my father hello ties to some person way back who was forced to anglicize their last name

To the person who thought it would be gone forever

It’s mine now

Maybe you felt like it was the right thing to do

But, I don’t know

My fighting spirit comes from somewhere

And the name means something

Leader, lion like, who knows

Interestingly I didn’t know it was connected to anything in particular until just now

I just wanted to remove the English from me

As much as I could

I’m a wild thing

No Anglo-Saxon could conquer me

I wonder if there were members of my family fearing the wildness would be stamped out

I wandered the forests as a child

Spoke with trees

Animals

Now I speak to bugs too

Something in me has always been wild

Someone who fights for what’s right

As best they can

Knowing right and wrong are not absolute

That the world is showered in greys

But the colour

People so often forget the colour in the world

My name

The thrill I got from seeing it in print

It’s real

Not just a thought trapped in my head

Sprinkled here and there on the web like a whisper

I’ve been existing in this space where I occupy the existence of another person

Someone who never existed

Someone who was an imagined creation of society’s expectations and fear

When I hear her name I flinch

Because she’s gone

She doesn’t occupy this space anymore

She did her fighting

Did her attempt at being everything society expected

She kept me safe until I was strong enough to voice who I am

Who I actually am

She did her best

Now it’s time for the name to rest

Goodnight trees of ashes

It was not for me

She was the cocoon

I am the moth that emerged

I haven’t really existed though

I kept the shell

After all becoming something

The government doesn’t like that

Things take money and time and transportation I didn’t have

This year has been so difficult to describe

I want my sister to be here to see me make my name real

What a huge milestone to go through without you Mel

It’s like up and down and way down and then up again

It hasn’t been neutral

It’s been brutal

But good things are happening too

And I can’t even handle that by the time the year, that is almost over, ends my name will be real

Have I ever asked you to stay away?

I’m asking you again then

I want to make it until then

I want to

Even though it’s going to be lonely as hell

Alone I am making steps to realise myself

Terrifying as it is

I guess I didn’t need you after all