Elucidating Questions

A transgender person is driving my bus to the doctor today

She’s very nice

Just starting to crack

A beautiful soul

Someone else who sees something else on the inside

She told me her union has been supportive

I wish her luck in her journey

I hope she never feels like it was too late

I’ll tell her it’s never too late

Folk music

The radio host seems casual

A peering into someone’s tastes

I hear all sorts of music from choice of the bus drivers

If I had a power

I would want to be able to give trans people the right bodies

It’s hard looking in a mirror and not seeing yourself

So many of the drivers of the disability bus seem to just want to do good for people

I wish I could do good back to them

Gang vocals

It’s pretty

If I could be the brightest star in the sky

I’d warm everyone’s heart

Make this place a safe place to be yourself

Such a kind soul

All the best to you Briana 💖

I don’t want to write

I want you to be here without pouring my soul out

I don’t want to stare out into the night waiting

I want my waiting to be over now

Looking out into the stars as if searching out there is any more useful than searching in here

I don’t want to have to do anything

I want to stay right here, doing nothing, and have you just walk right up to me

Were it not for my invisibility

Would I have made it this far?

How can you find me

If even I can’t find me?

A mirror I’m screaming at to become real

Because no one else reflects me

Dreams are just your mind

If so, I guess I’m my best friend

Isn’t that twisted.

I’ve said you left me here

But you were never here to begin with

Sometimes I wonder if all my friends throughout my life were just a dream

If I haven’t always been living here like this

Maybe the past is just a trick

Maybe there has only ever been now

Stars go by

The Earth didn’t stop spinning when you won

Curious, as I was certain loss would equal death

Or the end

Yet on you run

We say time marches in English

It’s definitely more like running

Did it taste like victory?

Was it everything you imagined?

Did my mind fill with this person because anything else would be torture?

Is it self preservation to dream a companion?

Second place would have been fine

It’s like I got caught up in running the race from outside the stadium

It wouldn’t have mattered how fast I ran

It was always a dream

I wonder why I started running at all

I almost dare them to move

The stars

For something to change

As if change out there would bring change here

He did choose though

And things changed for him

I should have listened to the drug induced dream thing

You’re not the one

I’m not the one

I wanted to be someone’s one though

You sent me off into a world devoid of people who can love me

The dream also tried to make me believe that by being, existing, I was committing some sin and being selfish

That the only truly unselfish place would be a place where there was no Universe

And, that may be

But I wanted to exist anyways

I was fighting

So I guess even if I’m not the one

And there isn’t another

You get one

I’ll take some other person who’s fucked

Just please don’t send me a person who’s gonna murder me this time, kay?

Let’s start with someone who can put up with me, who isn’t going to kill me for crying

I am calling you

Come my way

But it’s just the same

The Sun is playing on the leaves of the tree

Because darkness is coming again

The end of Summer

I feel it

Pulling away

Come back

I’m not done yet

But the Winter will be walking in soon

The ending means I’m alone again

Going into Winter

I miss the Sun already

I don’t know who would heed my call

Out into the darkness past my self

It always feels like there’s something out there

Something that’s not me

Maybe I romanced it

The something

My luck it’s probably sinister

Not something to call to

Maybe I should actually be screaming

Oh how things echo out

And back

If I tell the something I deserve better

I deserve a love story

Will it grin or nod?

I do

Stubbornly

Gritting my teeth because every fibre of my being cries out again me standing up for myself

There should be someone there

This solitude

Getting drunk on my own

Look I completed another thing

No one to share it with

I’d give love if I could

To anyone who would take it

But they don’t

They should

But, what, I’ll hate the world because my brand of love is unwanted?

Dangling on a string

A homeless heart

I absolutely want to make it out alive

I wish I could sing

For real

For someone

I feel like a siren with no one to entrance

Won’t someone hear my call?

Love is all I have

You can have it if you’re kind

I wish I could remember the name of my dream companion

Do they even have one?

I can remember their face

Kind of

They just seem to be there

Someone to be with

It seems unfair for me to have both

Dream companion

Death spirit being

I barely remember my dreams last night

The weather has been indecisive

I suffer

I found the Moon again

God knows where she’s been hiding

How I missed her

Ah well

That tiny fear that she was gone

Even though it wouldn’t have gone unnoticed

Just had a meeting with my colour point cat friend

It’s so cute how they’ll be wandering between the fences and then see me and come to say hi

You know you’re special when a cat pauses their wandering to come see you

Just for that moment you’re the most important thing in that cat’s world

That moment you’re entirely seen

I love cats

I love my dream companion

They’re kind of like a cat

Just kind of there

Coming into frame every little while

Kind of dumb

Adorable

The part where I’m trapped in the past in a trick house with my ex is shorter

There was swimming this time

Were they swimming with me?

Saturn is with Pisces

I always think that’s really funny

That’s where he just so happens to be

I am a fish

Maybe I want to go swimming

Water has definitely been a theme recently

That hotel is always right next to the water

In the dreams, I never consider there might be consequences to summoning this Death being

I just do it

Sometimes I fear that it’s some prediction

That I’m some message that the end of the world is coming

But, it obviously is

I don’t need to help at all

I wish I could understand these dreams

If I knew what they wanted to tell me

Maybe I could make them stop repeating

I don’t know if the reason I’m fine during the day is because of the dreams

My strange companion

Being held by the spirit I summon

Maybe I’m okay during the day because I just spent time with the beings in my mind

I just know that when night falls

I feel so alone I can’t shake it

I wonder what they are

A mind wildly compensating for reality?

A memory?

If I had a friend

A friend like that

Who came with me places and spent time with me

When I thought I lost my walker they had it

Now, obviously I’m not going to lose my walker in daylight

That’s just reality cracking through the dream

But when my mind tries to turn the moment into a scary one

There they are

I wish I could experience that out loud

I’m content

I’ve got stuff to do, so, naturally, I’m entertained

It doesn’t take much

But I’m unfulfilled

I want someone to be here with me

Need is a word you’ve forced me to stop using

I made it all this way alone and suffering

Which proves I don’t need anyone

You forced me to exist without

So I made do

Which is what I do

But want

It’s all my soul cries out for

Connection

You insist I don’t need it

And the world around me insists you don’t get what you don’t need

But I’d have to kill myself to prove I need it

If I kill myself then I’ll truly be alone

You always catch me like this

The only way for me to prove anything is to die

That’s the one thing I did out grow

Wanting it

It’s an either or situation

Either I want to find connection

Or I want to die

It’s pretty clear, except for the little asterisk that the only way to prove I need the connection is to die

Isn’t it just unfair

That there’s no way to win?

No matter what, there’s a saying or a rule

What you don’t have you don’t need it now

Love comes when you stop searching for it

The only way to prove you need something

Is to die without it

Where am I just supposed to go out and find what I’m looking for?

It’s awful, being alone all the time

I tried once

To summon a love from another place

Magic doesn’t work like I imagined it did though

Magic is more subtle than that

I wish I could

Just reach out and grab hold

And pull until I meet the thread’s end

You have to meet me to know I’m calling for you

Somewhere on Earth today

Someone feel in love with someone

That must be nice for them

The falling

Stupidly it beats

What are you planning to do?

Storm the castle?

Of course I’m looking up at the sky

No stars tonight though

To light the way

I’m not alone if I’m dripping in spirits

How they call

Like I’m supposed to be doing something

When I already tried everything

More than twice

Why do I want to be recognised by someone like that?

Into the night

So easy to imagine being wanted

And yet

And yet here I am

Pulsing into the night

I wish I knew who was in the dark

Just outside my consciousness

If I call

Is someone somewhere spurned to find me?

Or are we all wandering randomly

Tugging the thread

It’s attached right?

Doesn’t just disappear into the darkness like everything else?

Outside me

And yet I’m so much more than this body that holds me

Maybe it’s just neurology

It is half pain

Because in the end there wasn’t really a choice

Wandering aimlessly

There’s a you right?

If there isn’t

Why does my soul cry out for you?

Like the light of the dawn

But not even a hint

Patterns and patterns

And I patterned my way into a one sided nightmare

And even if I seek forgiveness

It’s already too late

And in the end

Isn’t it better that I’m nothing?

Isn’t it?

Wasn’t it supposed to happen like this?

Some grand plan

My eyes are burning with the souls of tears of anger

Not falling

Just imagining they’re there

It’s not something I can fight

Reality I can fight

Truth I cannot

A seal of truth

Walking

In the end it’s no different

I’m just without my candle in the dark

If someone would light it

Can I will my dream companion into reality?

They’re very nice

I still can’t remember their face

Or their name

Or if they even have a name

If I could fly

Like in my dreams

I’d go anywhere else for a bit

If I could blink and be in Japan

I wish I could go live with the old man and the old lady for a while

Doesn’t anyone outside me feel me?

Maybe I’m just refracting light

A colourful light stopper

No home

I thought home was within reach

If I just closed my grip around it

But when I opened my hand it was empty

Questions of life

And what its purpose is

I lost track of the Moon

I wish to anchor myself

I’m just floating here

I’ll float away

I’ll disappear

Dissipate into the atmosphere

I want to jump as far away from here as I can

Find some other world to wander

Maybe I am ending the world

Maybe I’ll go end some other one

最後の印

Maybe that’s why I’m always summoning Death in my dreams

Though

It’s strange

I don’t remember him there now that the random companion is there

These dreams

All I’ve got to hold on to

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