Elucidating Questions

It has been seven days since I saw someone who wasn’t

Coworker

Or classmate.

So many lines and scripts.

I wish I could have accepted the one invite I got to be a person.

I’m just standing on a different side of the road waiting until I can go again

Trying not to feel but I’m so lonely and I need to do something or my brain eats itself.

But if I feel it hurts so much I can’t breathe.

I just wanted to go back to sleep.

Why did I have to wake up for this?

I don’t want to hear about the things that happened or how it’s confusing.

I don’t want to hear anymore about thoughts I had or feelings or how this sounds like that or how he’s in this song or that or whatever the fuck

On the other side is this

What the fuck do you want from me?

All I ever wanted from you was company and you fucking turned it sexual.

You fucking asked for me.

You fucking keep putting it there.

I just wanted to see you and instead I get shit fucking all

And a dream where you sent me a selfie of you having a good time partying in the dark where I still couldn’t even see your fucking face

I can’t even escape your absolute bullshit in my dreams anymore.

You were never invited to those.

I already have to deal with him every night

Feeling loved and not questioning it and seeing it and waking up and willing myself to forget it and remember every other dream that tries to slip away.

Either set me free or make me forget both of them completely.

I wish I could wake up and have no fucking clue who I am.

I fucking wish I could.

I wish I was invited.

But I never am.

I wish I had the option, but I haven’t been.

Well except by the new person but I regret not being able to go and I would have enjoyed it and instead

Whatever that is so I can eat nothing but I can pay rent.

I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have anything to do.

I already said,

I love everything. And I don’t have enough left to show it anymore.

That would require feeling.

I can’t let myself feel.

Why didn’t you kill yourself?

I ask and its point blank because we do this, it’s how this sort of relationship works.

He looks over blankly.

Goes over aspects of his life that may have led to a feeling like that he looks up and to the left

He’s thinking of those nights that went on for years too but he looks back and he says

Because I got angry.

I wasn’t sad.

He says

They took from me.

I say,

I attempt to give everything and it never works.

It diverges and then I figure out the inner working of his mind while trying to ignore mine because

He still holds his head up high and knows he’s not beneath just because they have more and I don’t know how

Maybe writing a strong person is all I can do

Just like all I can do is write a person who experiences love

I can’t be or have either.

I’m never invited.

So you put on some clothes for once, yes that is true.

I like being able to look at you,

Actually being able to look you square in the face.

Even if it’s covered a bit, but it was nice to see you have a shape I can look at for more than a split moment.

Clouds are good too.

Could you chill?

I noticed it like this

In this strange renoticing.

I was experiencing

Terrible days and then watching as they seemed to experience it the day after

I didn’t have explanation.

It was just how it was so I’d try to say something

でも誰でも消えた。もう心の声なんて

気づいている間

誰のせいで?

何もしてなかった。

でも

As if screamed from a megaphone that I was just hearing first my ears hurt my head hurt my heart hurt I had all this awareness and it meant

Everything

So I couldn’t turn away from the slightest hurt because I had felt it too and it hurt so I thought how can I fix this and

Why am I still remembering things like this in moments that don’t matter

Intent has already been ruled out as a reason to do anything.

Some pixie fuck bullshit about how it can’t get better if you don’t visualise it getting better

But I have been visualising that my entire fucking life and it’s never

God

Damn

Fucking

Happened.

So don’t tell me I am giving up after not trying and not having ideas and not doing anything for my situation.

I tried.

No.

They say there’s no such thing as tried.

I didn’t try to get several hundred jobs in the past year

I failed to get several hundred jobs.

I didn’t try to make friends.

I failed to make friends.

I didn’t try to find love.

I failed to find love.

Every time you try you aren’t trying you’re failing.

That’s what I learned.

Can I go now please?