Elucidating Questions

I was just standing there and they came up behind me and I listened passively trying not to hear a word they walked past me

She loved him it was beautiful

There was a cat at their heals as they walked by

You have a cat

I said but they didn’t hear.

They crossed the street I said

Do you know you have a cat?

They didn’t look back the cat kept following it was adorable.

What a beautiful moment.

I was trying not to think about the circle

I went back feeling unheard.

I went back feeling forgotten and it’s not his fault

I don’t know how to stop.

I second guess

Or I hope

For a second

Turn my back a firework goes off.

I wonder if that’s all I missed.

Would it have mattered if I went down to see them they wouldn’t have been there.

The word you’re looking for is attached

Grit my teeth and bear it.

The moon was behind the clouds

I realised I hadn’t been this high in so long

I still feel it

What a wonderful feeling this pride must be,

I feel it through a glass pane, like there’s walls around me pressing in and in,

But I flinch and I don’t feel anything inside,

There’s feeling outside,

Inside feels hollow and thin.

Remember to breathe.

When I cry, regardless of gender, it just makes other people angry.

I remember being yelled at for crying.

What’s the point in this?

I didn’t mention that?

I’m so tired it all just sounds like more and more.

Complete confusion, the entire time.

I’m so confused.

I’m so fucking confused.

If there could in any way be a world where not a baby is born hungry,

Where no child is taught to kill,

Where no youth is forced to work,

Where no teen is forced to choose,

Where the adults don’t spend every day worrying about whether or not they will be able to continue to live comfortably,

Where animals don’t feel the poverty of their owners,

Where even though it’s just meat the meat could grow up healthy, happy, and naturally,

Where there were still forests that went for miles and mountains that continued for days,

Where the heart was treasured, and the hearts of others treasured as well,

If there was a place where no one went to bed hungry, where no one had to worry about how they would afford to have a home, if there was a place where every person who never would harm another person could be who they were unapologetically,

If that place exists,

One day I would like to wake up there

7:00 PM

Today

My work place.

If nothing happens to prove it before then then I’ll know

A crow flies in the night and cries. It flies around once,

Twice,

Cawing all the while,

Then fell silent again.

Trick of the light,

I mutter, to no one to everyone to the something I was just deep in conversation with that is now gone

I sat outside

I gave him everything for a night and he gave me nothing

The something that immediately flew into my ear.

I saw it and I thought it was so cute and I wanted to touch it

But then I saw you with one and now I don’t think I can watch that anymore

One by one the things I can do fall away to nothing

But I can’t let go because I’m afraid of what would happen if I did

What a mess.

What’s the point?

Stop telling me to stay awake and wake up and do this and that and making me see this and that like I can explain it

Fuck you

Silence follows,

Except the whiring and the spinning

I know exactly where I am, I know exactly what you keep telling me, I hear you loud and clear

Can you please

Please just save me from this so I can hate you if that’s what you want but please just

Everyone just ghosts me.

Over and over and over again.

I’m so tired of being a ghost

And I can’t handle this anymore.

Just make it stop.

Every time I get to the point of forgetting

The last strange thing

I find something else but I already know this one.

Here I am dreaming up dreams for everyone but myself.

After all when you love someone you put their needs above yours

Where did the people dreaming dreams for me go?

Did they ever exist?

I am alone under the sky.

Why. Am. I. The. Only. One.

Is that so hard to answer?

Is that so hard to figure out?

What do I say to people?

What the fuck do I say to them?

How do I explain this to anyone who has no beliefs?

Someone answer me,

And if you heard my fucking swear earlier,

You damn well know which of you it’d better be from.

I still love you.

I still love you.

I still love you.

I still dream of you, I still wish you were here, I still look at cars that look like yours and feel this

Awful feeling knowing it’ll never be you.

I don’t know why.

I wish I could just walk away but I still worry.

I still worry if you’re all right and I still think of you when you go one stage and wish you luck

I still hear your melody everywhere and it tears me apart.

I wanted to show you everything so you’d know I was a person and not a stalker

I wanted to share with you like you shared with others

Your life in prose.

I didn’t realise it didn’t occur to me I didn’t think

You were above me I thought you were human and I thought you needed me

Do not disturb.

I tried not to but I would turn around for a minute and there’d be something left behind and I don’t even know what I said to you or why

I broke every day you passed by but I still tried to

But I love you.

It hurts so much to love you it’s like nothing has colour or meaning

All I’ve ever experienced in love is the pain.

The separation.

The days where you long to be together but can’t be.

I can’t do it again after this, how could I?

It’ll be too soon or I should just be lonely or it’ll just hurt more.

I can’t ever let myself do this again.

You wrote me off before you even looked me in the eye

How could you be so heartless?

But am I heartless for hurting?

You’re far more important than me, is it wrong to feel this way?

What do I do if I’m not allowed to feel this way it’s everything I had left and I

I still love you.

I hate myself for loving you.

You’ll never know it because you walked away.

Goodbye,

Before hello was even said.

Do you know what it’s like?

To be disregarded by the one you love?

Do you know what it’s like to be nothing to your one and only?

You don’t.

Just marry her anyway. It’ll hurt me even more.

I don’t want to want to kill myself.

Some part of me wants to stay or wants to want to stay but it never wins.

How dare I want to,

That’s what I get every time.

That or nothing.

All I need is support and the people who I ask for support from just disregard me.

I don’t want to want to kill myself.

I wish I knew you know how I feel because if I had known I would have messaged you every day so you never felt like I feel now.

Even if it was weird and celebrities are too important for people like me

Even if you’re above me and I never would have deserved to see you.

I don’t want to feel this way.

I challenge anyone to spend weeks, months, wearing twenty pound weights around their necks to be the pain I feel

I challenge you to spend weeks in your house no one to actually talk to.

I challenge anyone to want to be the forgotten one.

I challenge any one to be me for a month and then tell me how they feel.

I dare you to tell me my feelings are irrational irrelevant inconsequential

That’s how I feel though.

No one really sees me.

And I should have known better than to fall for someone so out of my league and to have feelings for this awful tugging presence I just want to go away.

Everything reminds me of him and what will never happen.

No matter how many times I try again,

The day just ends up the same.