Elucidating Questions

It’s like I’m being put on trial.

Why did you put his needs above your own?

Because he was crying and in pain.

Exactly.

But no, I don’t know what I just admitted to, but they keep asking.

Question after question.

I thought it was supposed to end at twenty.

A whisper

Can’t we keep you?

Like a pet.

Can’t we keep you until someone else wants to keep you?

I turn to them where ever they are and I look all of them over I say

In twenty seven years,

I have never met someone who genuinely wanted to keep me.

The silence that follows as the bus arrives.

I wonder if he put those scars there himself, and think about how I like his tattoos

And as he walks away I hope he feels like he never has to put more on himself

There is no meeting,

I merely watch them, love them, and then watch as they go.

Once the belief was gone, so we’re the gods.

They travelled quiet on the backs of those who dared keep their faith alive

In the face of the tyranny, the tyrannical one.

And as they watched as one consumed the land and the people, they turned to their leader and said

Didn’t we?

And their answer, of course, was yes.

They watched as people killed for the one, as people died for the one.

They asked,

Haven’t we?

And the answer was again yes.

They viewed as real breathing living humans begged and cried for freedom.

They watched as good became less and less valuable and they asked,

Did we?

And they watched as I repeated the words

Kind hearts don’t make a new story.

And if, in the end of they day, as they had travelled and waited for faith to be alive,

Every kind deed ever done went unnoticed in favour of the things done out of hurt and dedperation,

As long as they walk away from me,

Especially if they weren’t standing when they got here,

It’s just one more thing to forget about.

You signed the contract.

I did but I didn’t and you know it.

You tricked me into signing it for no reason and thus I withdrew it.

You promised.

You made me think promising would mean something to someone.

You said

You made me think I wouldn’t be harmed if I said as I was told to.

The pressure moves in it says

Would you feel free if there was no one else?

I say I’d rather die so they can live than the other way around

But, why?

Why is this happening?

Why is the time the same, why is the video what’s been happening in my head

I feel like I’m on a ride that I can’t get off of and it just gets worse and worse and worse.

Why is the picture of him and the flaming tits

Why is it like this?

What do you want from me?

Why would I stay if you’re just going to torture me for the rest of my life?

It’s laughable really.

I put out everything I could.

I tried to connect and told people I was trying to get my stories out there, but no one even read them.

I tried to connect I told people I was having a hard time, but they left me alone for weeks and months.

Soon it’ll be a year.

If everyone can live their lives without me, they obviously don’t need or want me.

It’s logical then to come to the conclusion that I don’t need to be here,

So why do they get mad and act like it’s about them?

They already don’t want me.

Do they just want me to exist in limbo so I can answer whenever they call?

Ghosts can do that too.

She smiles so pretty in pictures that don’t include us.

She still looks healthy, even though she told me she’s dying.

He still looks beautiful.

He still looks beautiful.

She would still have friends, lots of them.

She would still have family, she’d still be getting married, she would still have friends.

I’m just one little piece

No one knows.

No one cares.

And if anyone else is as alone as I am, and still makes it through,

They’re better than I ever could have been.

Tick tock.

I’m just wasting time until the method presents itself.

I loved you from first sight but it was different.

I always love people it’s just how I was it happened by accident but I

Missed you.

I wonder if you don’t love me because I’m fat.

I wonder if you don’t love me because I’m sick

Because I’m poor. Just because.

But I missed you and maybe that’s what was different. I guess I’ll never… No, it’s so cold you just dropped it in the snow.

Like a pinecone falls off a tree.

Smack.

Disappointed in myself for failing again

Not a voice around who knows how I feel or cares about why.

All I do these days is cry.

I don’t even know where to go from here.

So completely shut out from closure and understanding and support.

No one has time for me you’re not the only one.

No one wants to help me you’re not the only one.

No one cares about what happens if I’m left alone you’re not the only one.

The only one who has to suffer through it is me,

This sound of silence.

It’s not enough to breathe.

Breathing just prolongs the unwanted ruse.

I sang it back, and I got too tired to continue.

Now I’m living it.

Everything you ever wrote.

Who knows why.

I don’t care anymore,

But I don’t believe anyone will ever love me enough to notice.

And that’s just one more excuse for you to never do anything about it.