Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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I wish I could be forgiven for being suicidal.
I wish I could be forgiven for being sad.
I wish I could be forgiven for being lonely.
I wish I could be forgiven for things I said in pain.
I wish I could be forgiven for mistakes I made in a haze I can’t remember.
I wish I could be forgiven for forgetting.
I wish I could be forgiven.
I wish
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Foolishly.
I look back to February when I believed and didn’t stop believing.
I look back to January when I felt like something was about to happen and I tried to gather together the solution.
I look back to March as I cracked under the pressure all alone always alone.
You’re not alone, they assure me from the other side of a screen, as I look around and know they are lying.
I look back to April as I tried to get back up and I tried to keep believing and I believed if I do something good, maybe it would come back.
But what goes around don’t come around.
And I know you so well now I can’t even be disappointed,
Though I wonder why I’m the only person who feels like I do, I don’t care as much anymore.
It’s just watching through stone eyes,
Really?
Are you joking?
Are you trying to push me?
Because you’re all fucking pushing me and it’s so fucking easy
It’s the shock and the crushing sensation in my chest I’m so used to now I just smash my head my hand against something or claw my face and feel like
Pain deferred.
God it hurts.
I never knew love was supposed to hurt this much, I thought it was supposed to feel good.
But I don’t understand what happened.
Lost in this limbo of never quite knowing…
Never quite understanding…
If I saw you now I don’t think I would be able to breathe.
Hey, you,
You.
The one who isn’t here and I don’t know why and I miss you and every morning is harder
Because I thought I’d never have to spend another without you
今どこ?何でいつも独りにならなきゃいけないの?
It hurts…
Joshua Ramsay is a monster and his three strum alongs are no better.
Is that what you wanted to show me?
…
Why?
All you did was leave me with nothing.
Why did you do this to me?
What’s wrong with humanity?
How the hell did this happen?
The blood is running stale.
The saints we see are not made of gold, but they sure love it more than other living humans.
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It’s gonna rain.
Then someone’s going to drop someone.
Then some guilting bullshit because I was clear.
Something about the bull who doesn’t want me so why should I care anymore?
Jupiter in the skies, the one man Army,
With the doctor at his side.
Is that tomorrow or this evening?
Who knows.
Time never means what it means to mean to say these days.
I’ll find the echoes anyways.
It’s how I live these days.
Seeing echoes.
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Irony is reason one.
Joshua : Joshua
Silence is reason two.
182.5 : 182.5
Isolation is reason three.
6 : 6
I don’t have enough energy to come up with thirteen.
All I know is that dreams are meant to be forgotten.
You don’t get what you need.
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In a chalk jungle where dreams are washed away
As the odds stack higher and higher.
Looking out in to crowd after crowd of faces who don’t know me
And don’t want to.
Who do I walk up to to change how alone I am?
None of them, I’m afraid.
Balanced on a wire
Between fear
And abyssal solitude.
No one recognises me.
How many tears have I cried alone this year, huddled in spaces away hoping no one sees
As the tears turn to laughter,
I can’t believe how stupid I am.
If I wanted this then why am I crying?
But I didn’t…
I wanted so much more than this.
If this is what I need then why does it hurt so much?
This is the last step.
I’m so close.
He’s going to let me.
He’s my entire world and his world is my entire world
And I would give up everything for him
And I was ready to
And he’s going to watch as I take the final step.
I love you.
The silence responds.
Exactly.
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I will not judge you for the society you were born into, nor the way that society made you act.
I will judge you for the intricacies of your humanity,
The things that happen inside so deep no other human will ever see them,
But the listening will hear them.
The wripples of your soul, the threads of your spirit, the drops of your mind.
Those parts of you that you can’t see because you have been told not to,
The beauty only an outsider could know, from the inside.
I will always see the parts of you which struggled against what was wrong and what was right
For you, and knowing the subjectivity of your binary on the scale
Of the spectrum,
I will love you, even if you cannot love yourself.
It’s not shame you should feel,
It’s the warmth of my hand on your shoulder, not the cold.
Elucidating Questions 