Elucidating Questions

Irony is reason one.

Joshua : Joshua

Silence is reason two.

182.5 : 182.5

Isolation is reason three.

6 : 6

I don’t have enough energy to come up with thirteen.

All I know is that dreams are meant to be forgotten.

You don’t get what you need.

In a chalk jungle where dreams are washed away

As the odds stack higher and higher.

Looking out in to crowd after crowd of faces who don’t know me

And don’t want to.

Who do I walk up to to change how alone I am?

None of them, I’m afraid.

Balanced on a wire

Between fear

And abyssal solitude.

No one recognises me.

How many tears have I cried alone this year, huddled in spaces away hoping no one sees

As the tears turn to laughter,

I can’t believe how stupid I am.

If I wanted this then why am I crying?

But I didn’t…

I wanted so much more than this.

If this is what I need then why does it hurt so much?

This is the last step.

I’m so close.

He’s going to let me.

He’s my entire world and his world is my entire world

And I would give up everything for him

And I was ready to

And he’s going to watch as I take the final step.

I love you.

The silence responds.

Exactly.

I will not judge you for the society you were born into, nor the way that society made you act.

I will judge you for the intricacies of your humanity,

The things that happen inside so deep no other human will ever see them,

But the listening will hear them.

The wripples of your soul, the threads of your spirit, the drops of your mind.

Those parts of you that you can’t see because you have been told not to,

The beauty only an outsider could know, from the inside.

I will always see the parts of you which struggled against what was wrong and what was right

For you, and knowing the subjectivity of your binary on the scale

Of the spectrum,

I will love you, even if you cannot love yourself.

It’s not shame you should feel,

It’s the warmth of my hand on your shoulder, not the cold.

It’s like I’m being put on trial.

Why did you put his needs above your own?

Because he was crying and in pain.

Exactly.

But no, I don’t know what I just admitted to, but they keep asking.

Question after question.

I thought it was supposed to end at twenty.

A whisper

Can’t we keep you?

Like a pet.

Can’t we keep you until someone else wants to keep you?

I turn to them where ever they are and I look all of them over I say

In twenty seven years,

I have never met someone who genuinely wanted to keep me.

The silence that follows as the bus arrives.

I wonder if he put those scars there himself, and think about how I like his tattoos

And as he walks away I hope he feels like he never has to put more on himself

There is no meeting,

I merely watch them, love them, and then watch as they go.

Once the belief was gone, so we’re the gods.

They travelled quiet on the backs of those who dared keep their faith alive

In the face of the tyranny, the tyrannical one.

And as they watched as one consumed the land and the people, they turned to their leader and said

Didn’t we?

And their answer, of course, was yes.

They watched as people killed for the one, as people died for the one.

They asked,

Haven’t we?

And the answer was again yes.

They viewed as real breathing living humans begged and cried for freedom.

They watched as good became less and less valuable and they asked,

Did we?

And they watched as I repeated the words

Kind hearts don’t make a new story.

And if, in the end of they day, as they had travelled and waited for faith to be alive,

Every kind deed ever done went unnoticed in favour of the things done out of hurt and dedperation,

As long as they walk away from me,

Especially if they weren’t standing when they got here,

It’s just one more thing to forget about.