Elucidating Questions

I loved you from first sight but it was different.

I always love people it’s just how I was it happened by accident but I

Missed you.

I wonder if you don’t love me because I’m fat.

I wonder if you don’t love me because I’m sick

Because I’m poor. Just because.

But I missed you and maybe that’s what was different. I guess I’ll never… No, it’s so cold you just dropped it in the snow.

Like a pinecone falls off a tree.

Smack.

Disappointed in myself for failing again

Not a voice around who knows how I feel or cares about why.

All I do these days is cry.

I don’t even know where to go from here.

So completely shut out from closure and understanding and support.

No one has time for me you’re not the only one.

No one wants to help me you’re not the only one.

No one cares about what happens if I’m left alone you’re not the only one.

The only one who has to suffer through it is me,

This sound of silence.

It’s not enough to breathe.

Breathing just prolongs the unwanted ruse.

I sang it back, and I got too tired to continue.

Now I’m living it.

Everything you ever wrote.

Who knows why.

I don’t care anymore,

But I don’t believe anyone will ever love me enough to notice.

And that’s just one more excuse for you to never do anything about it.

I can’t tell why you think I should hear or listen to anyone ever again

But also, I can’t hear anyone,

And I haven’t in months.

Months.

Don’t bother trying to trick me anymore.

I have no money

So you don’t love me

And you’re a fucking coward.

And you’d both rather I be all alone than happy

While I step out.

Don’t tell her she’s on vacation.

It would ruin it.

I haven’t worn these jeans because they just fucking remind me of you.

There is no someday.

There is no forever.

And I don’t care to continue this charade you people call life anymore.

I went to Japan

Did you know I was giving you up? Did you feel the notion or just realise what was happening?

Yes,

I see,

That thing you kept whispering

No one has seen the phone

You got mad because,

I put you away and started trying to see if I could have someone else

But did you know how hard it is to wait for you every day in the daylight wondering what was going on in my head to make it

Keep coming like a jump I couldn’t skip.

September was so hard

My body started quiting and I was trying to run a marathon of emotions and feelings and grief and life and school and work and I couldn’t keep up

I was struggling so badly and there was nothing I could do I just had to get through it it felt like every step would just lead to another

I needed a safe haven, but one never came

So excuse me while I slowly put you away in to my mind further and further so I would be able to maybe have something but

Why him?

Are you still mad at me?

What did I do?

Is this really how it would go if you were to express what losing me feels like you’d just take me down with you?

The case is gone.

The phone is no more.

I don’t have your heart.

I gave it away to get away from the magic I put on it.

He doesn’t want it.

Why did you become vengeance?

What did I do wrong?

I was just standing there and they came up behind me and I listened passively trying not to hear a word they walked past me

She loved him it was beautiful

There was a cat at their heals as they walked by

You have a cat

I said but they didn’t hear.

They crossed the street I said

Do you know you have a cat?

They didn’t look back the cat kept following it was adorable.

What a beautiful moment.

I was trying not to think about the circle

I went back feeling unheard.

I went back feeling forgotten and it’s not his fault

I don’t know how to stop.

I second guess

Or I hope

For a second

Turn my back a firework goes off.

I wonder if that’s all I missed.

Would it have mattered if I went down to see them they wouldn’t have been there.

The word you’re looking for is attached

Grit my teeth and bear it.

The moon was behind the clouds

I realised I hadn’t been this high in so long

I still feel it

What a wonderful feeling this pride must be,

I feel it through a glass pane, like there’s walls around me pressing in and in,

But I flinch and I don’t feel anything inside,

There’s feeling outside,

Inside feels hollow and thin.

Remember to breathe.

When I cry, regardless of gender, it just makes other people angry.

I remember being yelled at for crying.

What’s the point in this?

I didn’t mention that?

I’m so tired it all just sounds like more and more.

Complete confusion, the entire time.

I’m so confused.

I’m so fucking confused.

If there could in any way be a world where not a baby is born hungry,

Where no child is taught to kill,

Where no youth is forced to work,

Where no teen is forced to choose,

Where the adults don’t spend every day worrying about whether or not they will be able to continue to live comfortably,

Where animals don’t feel the poverty of their owners,

Where even though it’s just meat the meat could grow up healthy, happy, and naturally,

Where there were still forests that went for miles and mountains that continued for days,

Where the heart was treasured, and the hearts of others treasured as well,

If there was a place where no one went to bed hungry, where no one had to worry about how they would afford to have a home, if there was a place where every person who never would harm another person could be who they were unapologetically,

If that place exists,

One day I would like to wake up there

7:00 PM

Today

My work place.

If nothing happens to prove it before then then I’ll know

A crow flies in the night and cries. It flies around once,

Twice,

Cawing all the while,

Then fell silent again.

Trick of the light,

I mutter, to no one to everyone to the something I was just deep in conversation with that is now gone

I sat outside

I gave him everything for a night and he gave me nothing

The something that immediately flew into my ear.

I saw it and I thought it was so cute and I wanted to touch it

But then I saw you with one and now I don’t think I can watch that anymore

One by one the things I can do fall away to nothing

But I can’t let go because I’m afraid of what would happen if I did

What a mess.

What’s the point?

Stop telling me to stay awake and wake up and do this and that and making me see this and that like I can explain it

Fuck you

Silence follows,

Except the whiring and the spinning

I know exactly where I am, I know exactly what you keep telling me, I hear you loud and clear

Can you please

Please just save me from this so I can hate you if that’s what you want but please just

Everyone just ghosts me.

Over and over and over again.

I’m so tired of being a ghost

And I can’t handle this anymore.

Just make it stop.