Elucidating Questions

To the stars,

Because nothing ever goes to plan and the pain just flows on.

If I feel I feel it and nothing else.

Because there’s no one here I can count on.

Not one who I would feel comfortable with who feels comfortable with me.

To the lights I can count on

The bear, the boy, the assassin, it goes on and then comes back

To the watchers who are harder to count on, but there all the same.

Why bother it doesn’t matter if I wish on a plane.

Oh it is is it?

How unlucky.

The bruises never showed on my neck so it didn’t happen I guess.

One says say what you feel.

Then everyone else says stop.

Guess who is listening to the thoughts as they fall and I’m all alone trying to get through it trying to fight with myself to stay alive

Or. Not I don’t know anymore I’m trying so hard.

So I go away.

The stars look like an hour glass.

It makes it quiet as I try to draw patterns in the sky.

Hoping they’ll leave me alone so I can finally be free…

In the end I’ve become so numb

You live what you’ve learned that what goes up has got to fall

But forget the wrong the I’ve done

I’ll give you some reasons to be missed.

Listen to your heart

Cause what goes up has got to fall and I’m breaking the habit that’s crawling in my skin

The figure could bare anyone’s name

But I’m inconsistent, I thought you knew that

The old words in a new rap from the top to the bottom

Sometimes I don’t make sense and it’s easier to go than face all this pain here alone

Cause in the end the place to start

Wants you to know how quiet it is all alone

Bracing my shores for the pressure and crossing a line in the dark

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the words attached to them

And in the end

It’s so heavy and I’m holding on,

Nobody can save me, excuse me while I touch the sky,

Warmed up in a nova’s glow,

And I’m about to break,

Because tonight is for our ghosts,

And he says,

If they say who cares if one more light goes out?

The moon and Mars do.

We do.

The rush to get nowhere in the continuing silent argument

But what was I to do when I wasn’t given chance to speak?

At least to explain and properly lay out the meanings without the judgement

I never did judge you I waited in the never changing moment to do so until there was nothing left of me

I let the silence consume me as everyone detoured around my body on the ground

No bystander to hold out a hand

In fact I’m mostly independent mostly self sufficient mostly I do everything on my own anyways

But I looked to the sky and I said

But I am saying I’m at the point where I need someone

But everyone has something else to do

Why is this justice? Am I truly being punished for being afraid of my father?

If I don’t face him…

You’ll take everything away from me?

But he says he doesn’t know why I wouldn’t want to talk to him

And every time I sit across from him I’m faced with twenty years of

Him…

I don’t want to be his wife again…

Why am I being punished for trying to be free of him?

But at this rate I’ll have no where to start from…

So I guess I had better be a good little emotional support for my father

Or else I’ll be all alone just like him.

And you always make me face him alone.

All I wanted was for someone to for once hold my hand,

So I would know I wasn’t alone.

But you always find a way to put me back in a room

Where the old man who holds all the cards sits across the table

And puts me through hell.

There’s no place like home when the yellow bricks to follow back run to the disaster

And the familiar sins come marching in like toy soldiers in September.

The avenues of ripped and worn bags that burn like wildfire in the push towards the big bang that started it that’s coming back around again.

And when I get back on my feet I’ll be half the man I wanted to be and follow you

Like I’ll always wait

The good is gone, the story said die, there was no ever after.

A trick but celebrity status

My dearly departed you haven’t had enough

And you take it like a whore.

And I am right beside you in your perfect porcelain, but how, how if not for you?

This means war but I just wanted you all to myself and I tried to make it perfect again

But I’m the only one who knows

And so it goes

I ran to you I

Let it get to desperate measures but it’s gone.

And the rest is forgotten.

A fevered blur of names, just a day away from saying the rest with no sound.

No one was around.

No words came anyways.

I tried to make the words fast I tried I tried I tried

But I’m a slave.

And the truth hurts so

I decided to break it.

I walk around but it’s just not the same so I’ll trade in who I’ve been

For some vertigo.

And all your alibis are perfect again.

I guess I’ll never know

How I’m supposed to get down from here.

And the story

Must.

End.

I wish I could be forgiven for being suicidal.

I wish I could be forgiven for being sad.

I wish I could be forgiven for being lonely.

I wish I could be forgiven for things I said in pain.

I wish I could be forgiven for mistakes I made in a haze I can’t remember.

I wish I could be forgiven for forgetting.

I wish I could be forgiven.

I wish

Foolishly.

I look back to February when I believed and didn’t stop believing.

I look back to January when I felt like something was about to happen and I tried to gather together the solution.

I look back to March as I cracked under the pressure all alone always alone.

You’re not alone, they assure me from the other side of a screen, as I look around and know they are lying.

I look back to April as I tried to get back up and I tried to keep believing and I believed if I do something good, maybe it would come back.

But what goes around don’t come around.

And I know you so well now I can’t even be disappointed,

Though I wonder why I’m the only person who feels like I do, I don’t care as much anymore.

It’s just watching through stone eyes,

Really?

Are you joking?

Are you trying to push me?

Because you’re all fucking pushing me and it’s so fucking easy

It’s the shock and the crushing sensation in my chest I’m so used to now I just smash my head my hand against something or claw my face and feel like

Pain deferred.

God it hurts.

I never knew love was supposed to hurt this much, I thought it was supposed to feel good.

But I don’t understand what happened.

Lost in this limbo of never quite knowing…

Never quite understanding…

If I saw you now I don’t think I would be able to breathe.

Hey, you,

You.

The one who isn’t here and I don’t know why and I miss you and every morning is harder

Because I thought I’d never have to spend another without you

今どこ?何でいつも独りにならなきゃいけないの?

It hurts…

Joshua Ramsay is a monster and his three strum alongs are no better.

Is that what you wanted to show me?

…

Why?

All you did was leave me with nothing.

Why did you do this to me?

What’s wrong with humanity?

How the hell did this happen?

The blood is running stale.

The saints we see are not made of gold, but they sure love it more than other living humans.