Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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It’s one year later crawling closer, I remember how it feels.
Can I tell you a secret?
I’m about to leave for Japan and I’m so excited but I’m panicking about money,
But I need to be able to go, I need to
I’m somehow bringing it together but
I’m thinking about if I should go there and then before I can be forced to come back here I should just
Cross the line
And jump the track
And be one of those reasons that trains are always delayed in Tokyo.
I don’t remember much of it,
I was drowning in too much stress and loss and even though I had a house I couldn’t shake the feeling like it’d all just go to hell and my sister was gone and my nephew with her
My family was silent and had turned me out in a way I could only reflect on as “we’re done with you” it creeps in quiet
Laces every moment as I hear her say things like
You’ll never find who you’re looking for your standards are too high
And seeing the 10 for the first time only to have her ruin it and it festered and it burnt and as I tried to laugh it away and just get through the days until I could finally breathe and
Before ever leaving the water that was drowning me a new lake poured in in the shape of
A spirit that I don’t understand.
Who I wanted to understand more than anything who seemed like he could be
Rather than exist
I wanted to know him
And it poured in and under the weight of everything this
Threat
Of eternal loneliness, everyone will leave eventually and you’ll never find him.
Mixed with school and work and money and life and everything
I was going to
The sky fell.
I didn’t go to me I went to people who cared for him I told them I was sorry
They were sad but,
I had this awful gnawing
Sinking
Slipping
I didn’t want to get so upset over someone is never met I pushed it as far away as I could I ran
And got on a plane.
Home was home I wanted to be home again, I think it made it boring for the friend who I love so much who came with me
She can’t handle feelings we try to keep them away from her she is lovely as she is
But it was still there in the back of my mind.
What happens in Tokyo what about Tokyo
I met a dolphin.
And some cats and some bunnies and a chick and lots of stuff.
But it was still there and I never really understand why, but it was there.
It’s like a train that’s left the tracks that just does as it wishes it lays tracks in front of me
Dares me to take them
But there he was in Shibuya.
And I cried for the first time and I held it as tight as I could because she would have been distressed so I held it quietly
Right about when the tide on the other side of the divide found me
And I was pulled back into a mess of
Letting myself down to try and understand him,
While he started coming on louder
Suddenly for no reason he was the only one I could listen to I was coping
As my body got sick and my memory kept failing and I held on for all I could
But I was praying each night for a light at the end of the tunnel come new years no more new years
Please I’m so tired I’m
A slave to the rhythm
The immediate past is a whisper
But I can follow the threads of emotion, back to the beginning but I won’t go past there.
After all there has to be some psychological explanation for coincidences and cloud formations and weather phenomena and people doing things you
Remember when everyone got hats?
I barely do I was just trying to find reasons to laugh.
Or he was trying to help me find them who knows I don’t know if what I know is a know or a feel and since none of the memories are real
You see,
If a tree falls in the forest it does make a sound but if there’s no one there to witness it it is merely a before and after picture
No one had to live the falling of the tree
Only the tree.
And we can hardly believe the words of a fallen tree it couldn’t even be bothered to keep standing.
Why are we circling the drain?
You already know all this I’ve only told you the story of 2017 over and over and over and
I don’t know if it’s a case of repressed emotions or it’s the realisation of how much
We, me from every year from in the end until now wishes I’d met you and never knew how and I miss you and I loved you and I never realised what a bond,
Listening to the jotted down emotions of another
Creates but,
It’s so one sided and I hate how imbalanced it is.
I miss you. I didn’t even know I would and I miss you.
The world won’t ever be the same and I wish you knew that…
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No one else sees it but he’s everywhere
He’s started filling in the holes that he left
And he’s started covering the moments that hurt the most and
It’s not a metaphor but I can’t explain it.
It has to be prose or else they’d think I’m insane.
But who do you think right would have needed someone more than anyone and
I feel guilty because I wasn’t
And I’ve never even met him.
I’m not standing by and watching, those who have been left behind I’m trying desperately to keep them on my mind because they need someone to be watching over them at all times
Those
Wonderful lovely people who did nothing wrong,
And I love you all so much don’t stay strong
Tell everyone exactly what you’re feeling
Don’t hide it
Scream and tell and cry and speak
Don’t be strong you be as weak as you have to be and I pray someone around you is there to hold you together because I know
I know how much it hurts and I love you all and you don’t have to be strong,
You need to feel whatever you’re feeling.
I’m sorry all I can say is that I’m with you,
From far away.
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The shadows of the morning are different their voices whisper softly not sharp
I saw a car it kept echoing and I don’t usually go there
But I turned and there it was
A rabbit.
Cats for one rabbits for the other. Birds for both.
Or someone else.
As the sounds of morning wake around me I think about how much and little I want sleep.
One it hastens the day but now the day’s already here
Two it means another night of dreams that never quite appear.
Never quite gain shape.
Like the shadows of the morning
Who whisper as the birds laugh and sing to the rising sun
Somewhere in between the argument about thirty six hour days and the size of the sun.
But I suppose he knows the look of
The lack of sleep
And realises I’m irritable,
Someone who can read me and what it means because every day since the beginning except for rain, snow, or grey,
His eye has been watching.
Maybe that’s why he always knows which side he’s speaking to,
Or maybe that’s why it doesn’t matter.
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I don’t care what he brings with him as long as we can laugh together.
I don’t care what he brings with him as long as we can sing together.
I don’t care what possible mistakes could be made as long as we can bake and cook together.
I don’t care what baggage or past scars show up as long as we can walk together on the beach.
I don’t care what happens in the future possible turbulent moments as long as there are future possible moments in the dark where we touch and hold on to one another
Even if we’re not sleeping.
I don’t care about the pains never spoken that he carries thinking it would keep someone away I just want to hear about it and kiss him until maybe it doesn’t hurt so much anymore
I want to dance like we’re both too stupid to care when the music is playing or maybe when it isn’t
I want to know him even if he thinks it’s better I don’t or I’d be better without him because every day has been hell since I first wanted him and realised
There was no one like him.
Not one who wanted me anyways.
It’s all just who I wish I was with right now,
As four in the morning ticks by,
And I still have no one.
I wish it could be night forever, so that when I did sleep I could just dream for eternity.
Because he’s there sometimes,
Only in my sleep.
A phantom attached to no one, no one I have ever met.
Once half your life is gone and you haven’t met him yet you realise every day is one day less of the time you have together
And it all begins to seem pointless,
I thought that you’d be here by now.
So here I am trying to find you…
But what’s the point?
As each day ticks away into nothing and I know
If you’re not looking for me there’s no reason to try anymore.
So I’ll just mourn the loss of days lost that I could have spent with you,
Every day wasted without you
Every breath wasted without you
Everything is meaningless without you…
Where are you?
Are you really somewhere out there?
Or did I really just dream it all during the day?
It’s okay I’ll cry myself to sleep again.
Why do I miss you so much if you don’t exist?
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Dear shadow,
I can see you lurking, but you are very small like you’re afraid
But I hear you buzzing.
Apprehensive and on the edge.
If you can’t hold on to the edge anymore you can come up here.
I don’t bite.
There is a hand on my shoulder.
My ears ring the shadow
Is very loud.
Why do I see light when I touch you
What a strange sound.
The world goes surreal around me I could be underwater
The shadow has gone back but his presence still lingers in my vision
And a prickle at my fingertips tells me Jupiter is almost out of sight.
Goodnight.
He says
Good luck and goodbye.
How strange.
Yes the words echo in my ears,
In the ringing,
Sometimes I wonder when the world goes back to normal
And then I remember the missing link
I hear a girl, she says “what?”
But I know it didn’t actually happen, not here anyways.
That’s the thing.
Nothing ever happens here.
And then the energy crackles and fizzles out,
I never get to say the words I want to,
Mostly I just type them and wish I could hear the reply.
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Do you feel it when the echo of the bad energy hits your body as you come full circle?
Do you taste the way the energies pull in the remnance of
A bad place
That was yesterday as the earth has moved so far away and yet in this place at this time I feel it
Is that karma?
Actual karma?
Is that what it tastes like as I feel my energy spike slightly as I tried not to scream out of pain and frustration
Is that going and coming?
If so why am I the only one who feels it…or recognises it.
Yesterday I met a very nasty man and I had to console some babies afterwards.
He was a very nasty man,
But the goddess walked in with me, and I heard her whispering to the girls beneath the floors
The young boy was so young he thinks it’s wonderful,
He was alone and now he is free and the children hear his shrill laughter
I told him to come out of the well at once that’s why he was sulking in the corner.
A child for hundreds of years.
The woman in the tower told me she was in love and I believe her
And the man who was taken from her,
Whose name is the same as mine.
No not my name.
I said to her I know I would do the same thing if I lost him
But I don’t have a room.
The man’s smoke had been bothering me since the time I entered the bastion,
I’d suddenly felt this need to smoke and I didn’t know why and when I got to that story I found his eye in the brickwork and there was a slight grin
Yes I notice when they notice that I’m just like them.
I didn’t speak with the sparklers and the chocolate shop they weren’t home
Or they didn’t want to talk.
More concerned with the across the street and the mess I was feeling,
But the kid was annoying from the second we got to the bottom of the building.
Poking and prodding and nudging and so very annoying.
He annoys me. That road is so angry.
Out of the sight of the watchers I hid in the streets
And on top of it all I was trying to stop my heart from breaking
Unfortunately they always take precedence,
So when my heart snapped
So did I.
I came to the tree and I sobbed and I cried and I smashed my arm as hard as I smashed my head.
Then I felt I must be too loud, there was a cat,
I came back to apologise and talk,
Even though I don’t think
I don’t think anyone would be able to handle it, the talking to everything.
But in the strange moments I can’t explain
The lights in the top floor were broken, and it kept getting louder and louder like a bell tolling.
These days I never know whether to ask if anyone saw what I saw but I think I trust him,
Or I think I can try.
It sounds weird doesn’t it? I put my all into our first conversation I held nothing back I said
This is what I am, this is my story
And then I get to who I am now, what, when, why
And I freeze.
The story of another me is interesting
The story of me now is this strange quiet festering.
I accidentally dislocated my hip slightly.
This is my life but how would anyone be able to make sense of it?
Elucidating Questions 