Elucidating Questions

A little piece inside me still seeks out peace of mind

And I know it cannot come for such a weary heart as mine

They tell me that it’s my fault,

My own dark recipe

But when I hear it calling and I try to run and flee

I called out in the day time,

I called out in the night,

I sang every sing song I thought of to keep me awake,

Tried to connect the dots and fill in the holes that fell,

And when it hit me hard it was like waking from a spell.

Alone and in the wreckage of things I didn’t understand

Separated and alone I withered in the sand

Parched and begging for the rain because it’s all I have left

I thought I could lead this life of mine if only for a friend.

Yet selfishly I lead the cause of my broken life

In to tomorrow still awake at the stroke of midnight.

It’s hard when that’s all you have to share, you know?

I whisper into the third light who greeted me with warmth that could only be shared with a

Good evening

And

I love you

And we all have stuff to share but this is what I landed on and it’s all I do when I’m alone

People who have come and gone and come and gone

Did you tell me something about an hour ago? I’m sorry I forgot and it wasn’t because I wasn’t listening it was because I didn’t hear.

But also I did hear and it’s gone

I’m sorry.

I don’t think it’s a matter of this or that anyways so if I really tried to reach out

Listening to someone performing music in their garage or something

I wish I could join you

But I don’t know how to explain where I am to the people who know me

There’s a me who is male and a me who is female

Or there is a me who is both

Or I don’t really care can I just live my life but

Pronouns and other such nonsense.

I look up to see the assassin the boy and a satellite have joined me and

Some names unknown who watch.

The assassin is the first star I see

I wish I could be me without having to apply myself to other people’s ideas of what me is.

That sounds so selfish.

He says silence.

I don’t honestly believe in him or anything.

I honestly think he’ll get out of it.

I don’t know what that means. I will get back

To the beginning somehow.

I don’t feel it

The wind on my back could be but a whisper

Felt like through a sheet

But my back is open to the wind

I put my fingertips to glass to try to find the letter to explain how it feels

My fingertips

Feel as though I wear gloves but the letters still come

And I can feel the fingers that hold the rectangle

That holds all my feelings

And I know they must be holding it because I see it

I see it like a surreal dream I wish I could wake up from

I shut my eyes as tight as they will go

In nightmares I need to wake from I close my eyes and open my eyes awake

I just quit the game if I don’t like it

But I am still here and it’s a game I can’t win.

Break the circle

When the circle just breaks me again.

I should have known

Should have known

Should have

Well

You know the rest.

If you don’t it’s a shame.

Everything triggers a song like being bombarded with thousands of voices all the time except it’s music, but a line or a word or a phrase

And the only solace I find is the songs I know and remember

But even the ones I used to hide in while trying to keep my wits about me on the outside

They scare me.

I think,

What if I made someone sing this about me?

What if someone thinks these things about me?

But I hate myself, so I know those songs everyone sings about themselves to make themselves feel good about themselves

Are not being sung to me.

Such beautiful

Something, sometimes my keyboard prompts arrange things.

Can I love now?

And it’s parked right there as if taunting me

It’s the same colour and it wouldn’t matter if it was parked right there because no matter how I am

He doesn’t want me.

So it’s not his, but it makes me think about why it isn’t his.

And that’s what gets me every time.

Before it drags me into nowhere.

I need your help. I can’t fight this forever.

To the stars,

Because nothing ever goes to plan and the pain just flows on.

If I feel I feel it and nothing else.

Because there’s no one here I can count on.

Not one who I would feel comfortable with who feels comfortable with me.

To the lights I can count on

The bear, the boy, the assassin, it goes on and then comes back

To the watchers who are harder to count on, but there all the same.

Why bother it doesn’t matter if I wish on a plane.

Oh it is is it?

How unlucky.

The bruises never showed on my neck so it didn’t happen I guess.

One says say what you feel.

Then everyone else says stop.

Guess who is listening to the thoughts as they fall and I’m all alone trying to get through it trying to fight with myself to stay alive

Or. Not I don’t know anymore I’m trying so hard.

So I go away.

The stars look like an hour glass.

It makes it quiet as I try to draw patterns in the sky.

Hoping they’ll leave me alone so I can finally be free…

In the end I’ve become so numb

You live what you’ve learned that what goes up has got to fall

But forget the wrong the I’ve done

I’ll give you some reasons to be missed.

Listen to your heart

Cause what goes up has got to fall and I’m breaking the habit that’s crawling in my skin

The figure could bare anyone’s name

But I’m inconsistent, I thought you knew that

The old words in a new rap from the top to the bottom

Sometimes I don’t make sense and it’s easier to go than face all this pain here alone

Cause in the end the place to start

Wants you to know how quiet it is all alone

Bracing my shores for the pressure and crossing a line in the dark

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the words attached to them

And in the end

It’s so heavy and I’m holding on,

Nobody can save me, excuse me while I touch the sky,

Warmed up in a nova’s glow,

And I’m about to break,

Because tonight is for our ghosts,

And he says,

If they say who cares if one more light goes out?

The moon and Mars do.

We do.

The rush to get nowhere in the continuing silent argument

But what was I to do when I wasn’t given chance to speak?

At least to explain and properly lay out the meanings without the judgement

I never did judge you I waited in the never changing moment to do so until there was nothing left of me

I let the silence consume me as everyone detoured around my body on the ground

No bystander to hold out a hand

In fact I’m mostly independent mostly self sufficient mostly I do everything on my own anyways

But I looked to the sky and I said

But I am saying I’m at the point where I need someone

But everyone has something else to do

Why is this justice? Am I truly being punished for being afraid of my father?

If I don’t face him…

You’ll take everything away from me?

But he says he doesn’t know why I wouldn’t want to talk to him

And every time I sit across from him I’m faced with twenty years of

Him…

I don’t want to be his wife again…

Why am I being punished for trying to be free of him?

But at this rate I’ll have no where to start from…

So I guess I had better be a good little emotional support for my father

Or else I’ll be all alone just like him.

And you always make me face him alone.

All I wanted was for someone to for once hold my hand,

So I would know I wasn’t alone.

But you always find a way to put me back in a room

Where the old man who holds all the cards sits across the table

And puts me through hell.