Elucidating Questions

Do you feel it when the echo of the bad energy hits your body as you come full circle?

Do you taste the way the energies pull in the remnance of

A bad place

That was yesterday as the earth has moved so far away and yet in this place at this time I feel it

Is that karma?

Actual karma?

Is that what it tastes like as I feel my energy spike slightly as I tried not to scream out of pain and frustration

Is that going and coming?

If so why am I the only one who feels it…or recognises it.

Yesterday I met a very nasty man and I had to console some babies afterwards.

He was a very nasty man,

But the goddess walked in with me, and I heard her whispering to the girls beneath the floors

The young boy was so young he thinks it’s wonderful,

He was alone and now he is free and the children hear his shrill laughter

I told him to come out of the well at once that’s why he was sulking in the corner.

A child for hundreds of years.

The woman in the tower told me she was in love and I believe her

And the man who was taken from her,

Whose name is the same as mine.

No not my name.

I said to her I know I would do the same thing if I lost him

But I don’t have a room.

The man’s smoke had been bothering me since the time I entered the bastion,

I’d suddenly felt this need to smoke and I didn’t know why and when I got to that story I found his eye in the brickwork and there was a slight grin

Yes I notice when they notice that I’m just like them.

I didn’t speak with the sparklers and the chocolate shop they weren’t home

Or they didn’t want to talk.

More concerned with the across the street and the mess I was feeling,

But the kid was annoying from the second we got to the bottom of the building.

Poking and prodding and nudging and so very annoying.

He annoys me. That road is so angry.

Out of the sight of the watchers I hid in the streets

And on top of it all I was trying to stop my heart from breaking

Unfortunately they always take precedence,

So when my heart snapped

So did I.

I came to the tree and I sobbed and I cried and I smashed my arm as hard as I smashed my head.

Then I felt I must be too loud, there was a cat,

I came back to apologise and talk,

Even though I don’t think

I don’t think anyone would be able to handle it, the talking to everything.

But in the strange moments I can’t explain

The lights in the top floor were broken, and it kept getting louder and louder like a bell tolling.

These days I never know whether to ask if anyone saw what I saw but I think I trust him,

Or I think I can try.

It sounds weird doesn’t it? I put my all into our first conversation I held nothing back I said

This is what I am, this is my story

And then I get to who I am now, what, when, why

And I freeze.

The story of another me is interesting

The story of me now is this strange quiet festering.

I accidentally dislocated my hip slightly.

This is my life but how would anyone be able to make sense of it?

It starts as a tiny bubble, it grows.

It consumes as it does, feeding into everything

Every way of life

Ever facet.

It drains the life, so it can live.

It emits a scent only those on top can enjoy.

It grows,

As it grows and consumes everything

What is left

But the feudalism of the past

In better light.

Every time I get angry

I taught myself

So that he won’t explode

Just hurt yourself

Every time I want to point barbs

I just point them at myself

That way no one gets hurt

No one gets hurt

Unaffected by my life in any way,

Continuing through summer and music and friends and family and animals and fun

On a scale from 10 to -10

Can’t I just have a 1?

Even just a 1?

I don’t know why he’s zero, but I love him all the same and I don’t know why he keeps trying to be -10 but I swear it’s not him

It can’t be.

But I don’t know why.

I keep checking looking around

Trying to take it in

So maybe I could find just…just anyone at all I don’t care

No more fghting over me and what I should do

I still feel like an equal to them but not to the person and the person’s friend behind me on the sidewalk.

Dear little sunflower

You are so sweet.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have pointed in all directions, I should have just followed the sun.

The void of a heart torn out sewn in thrown out ripped apart stuck back together

There’s too many ashes I only feel it when it’s broken.

I probably won’t find it.

All I feel is pain,

The scale ends at the middle of the end of pain and the beginning of whatever the opposite was supposed to be.

It just stops there so every day even the interactions that should have got through just melt into the whisper of pain that doesn’t whisper it merely

Continues a conversation over everything

Every day.

Like two conversations never ending

And I can’t see through the fog

The anticipation of social interaction

Maybe I just need cocaine.

Don’t know, I haven’t tried it.

Maybe that’s what I’ll hold on to.

Nothing else works.

It hits me in these moments I think

Of how little I want to trust people but I trust so deep

I don’t even know what I expected but it really wasn’t this

And I don’t know what I did, but I can see they’re in bliss

So I either missed or it’s something I did, but I can’t go through just writing it all again

I’d have to live it and I can’t go back to that place

Where I was waiting and watching intently for a familiar face

Who never showed.

The story just gets so old and I want something new to go on but what do I have left when I don’t know where I’m going and I’m just this huge mess

Where does the erased go to be written back in?

Does my life really have to begin again?

Because it’s not a childish don’t want to wait it’s a fear

I’m afraid of what horrors each new day can bring and I wade through the waters that are too deep to even swim

From the second I open my eyes I am waiting for the thing that will bring

The fear back down and remind me it’s okay but I drown there

And I sit and I wait there.

A part of me screams to get up and try again to feel, but I’m so afraid.

No one likes me when I’m real.

At some point the body chimes in and I know it’s a metaphor I made the metaphor and I don’t know what for it just happened

Mostly I feel as though what I do these days is reply to false hopes of the past as they try to pull me aside and say

But what if it’s different today

I had a good time

And then I fell down

With the hand of Saturn at my back

Venus watching as I fell in love with the children.

Jupiter overhead as we spoke of the Empress.

I remember it like a dream.

But I don’t know why.

I’m so tired.

This real human body and I.

The numbness is it preferable?

If I turn it all off and decide for a moment that I don’t feel anything

Beneath the lonely sad depressed person

Beneath the bit of a mess

Beneath the everything

I’m bored.

I can’t get to where I want and I can’t do what I want to feel good.

I can’t.

Simple, I can’t do anything,

But I watch as everyone else does.

Always left behind.

I have a friend I quite like him,

He’s very kind, he reminds me of someone.

He reminds me of a friend.

He never called it his home

Peter Pan.

Cultural canon.

Overheard conversation

巻き込むから。

The tree passed the pinecone to its neighbour rather than drop it on my head.

Nature versus nurture.

If it’s manipulation I’m not very good at it, am I?

If it was manipulation people would do as I was hoping they would following my actions.

A very small feather.

And a chicken bone.

There once was a chicken of fire, who fought all that was around him.

But he gave in too quickly,

And he missed the sign he shouldn’t have missed.

I miss all this time I could have spent with you.

I miss it all.