Elucidating Questions

If I had a choice

I’d own a duplex and my best friend would live on the other side. We’d have a communal kitchen and drink tea and laugh and eat meals together

I miss eating real meals.

If I had a choice

I’d be over there with a job probably at metrotown or something I’d be doing my classes online I’d

Have a best friend.

If I had a choice by the end of January

A simple No

Would have sufficed and I would have taken the heartbreak

Like it just continues every day

If I had a choice I would know what I did wrong and I would try to fix it

If I had a choice someone would have commented on the first few chapters of my book and I would have kept writing it.

If I had a choice

They say life is what you make it

But no matter how hard I push in the direction I want to go there are arms holding me back

If there were no other humans I could attain my dreams of just

Going

The only reason I don’t have a choice,

Is because humans prevent me from making them.

I don’t want to be shown them anymore

Keys.

I can’t take anymore

The nudging that I see

Everywhere

Make it go away.

They were my favourite thing before the stories ruined everything.

This nightmare I live through every day

Nothing like my dreams where I have someone to talk to who talks to me.

With.

It would be fine if you were with me,

But you’re not.

I wake every day in a nightmare where you aren’t here.

Plunging back into the ocean where I’ll never find you

Over my head and it never mattered

But when the words changed sound I thought I was waking up.

But I’ll never wake up again

If I had one wish

I’d dream forever.

Without all of this.

Do you remember when I walked in and cried on your desk for hours?

You don’t because it was a dream but I do because it was a dream.

Do you remember when I lay my head on your shoulder and you said it was alright and you held me close?

You don’t because it was a dream.

But I do because it was a dream.

Do you remember lying awake with me

I’m sorry I woke you

No, it was okay you listened half asleep.

No, but I do.

Do you remember the time I fired a gun and agonised over it for months

The awful feeling of it, the recoil the

I’d never fired a gun,

But I remember hating the feeling.

Do you remember trying to swim across the strait because

It was a dream and damn it I was tired of the island.

When you fly over it, it’s so small but sometimes the wings don’t quite get me off the ground

It was a dream.

I can tell you the dreams I had,

But I can’t tell you the days I had.

I don’t remember.

They’re gone.

But I remember the dreams.

Children in prison camps.

The younger ones who know only their parents will in their hearts believe they are being punished by them.

Kept away as they cry.

Just more than one hundred years ago they buried slaves.

People who were always people that someone believed, cheap labour but the excuse they made, that colour changed the soul.

What lies they told.

Less than fifty years ago children were still being separated from their parents by monsters with crosses for their

Judgement

Of babies who they abused and everyone was okay with that.

Don’t anyone tell me about good old days unlived while the others

If they are others we are others

There weren’t any others it was a lie but,

Watching life from behind a line while they only because they were born a way lived far better lives.

Don’t tell me those days humans put others in cages are over when

Across from me plays a child who can complain because mummy is helping him learn to climb

And across from me far out of reach if they were within reach I would want to help all of them but they

Stand in boxes wondering

If mum and dad are ever coming back again.

I used to have Marianas Trench for nights like this I’d just listen to them and when the days were too much like the nights I had them

I never let myself scream at anybody anymore Linkin Park was nostalgia, and even though I loved them they never quite spoke to me like

That band whose every song you have and know the words to

A safe place to hide but

I traded my safe place away as the nights grew worse

It was going to end up like this from the start

Of course it was.

No manner of begging or pleading was going to turn

It was all

A trick.

I let my mind play tricks

And the reality fueled every second

I can’t even begin to explain all that happened I remember seconds of days hours so long I spent all alone at the back door

Waiting.

What are you waiting for?

I know what I’m waiting for because like it or not those months are gone and I will never be able to explain it with a straight face

And I look at the wreckage that’s left

The cavern just moved, he always came in and wrecked it but it came with me when I left

I didn’t want the treasures from the start I wanted the treasures to be open doors to other peoples’ hearts but

It’s the reason no one wants me

Or the reason that those who do never go outside

It’s not worth it

I’m so tired of being alone and inside.

Tell me, please tell me,

How I’m supposed to get help after everything that happened?

Where it comes from who I can trust because it hurts so much to

Be liked because

He keeps them at arm’s length

I didn’t fucking want them anyway

But I beg and I plead and I just need

I fucking need you

But you’re gone and I put so much of me into loving you and loving everything you made I

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put me back

Sorry I’m invisible.

You all make me feel so invisible.