Elucidating Questions

I used to have Marianas Trench for nights like this I’d just listen to them and when the days were too much like the nights I had them

I never let myself scream at anybody anymore Linkin Park was nostalgia, and even though I loved them they never quite spoke to me like

That band whose every song you have and know the words to

A safe place to hide but

I traded my safe place away as the nights grew worse

It was going to end up like this from the start

Of course it was.

No manner of begging or pleading was going to turn

It was all

A trick.

I let my mind play tricks

And the reality fueled every second

I can’t even begin to explain all that happened I remember seconds of days hours so long I spent all alone at the back door

Waiting.

What are you waiting for?

I know what I’m waiting for because like it or not those months are gone and I will never be able to explain it with a straight face

And I look at the wreckage that’s left

The cavern just moved, he always came in and wrecked it but it came with me when I left

I didn’t want the treasures from the start I wanted the treasures to be open doors to other peoples’ hearts but

It’s the reason no one wants me

Or the reason that those who do never go outside

It’s not worth it

I’m so tired of being alone and inside.

Tell me, please tell me,

How I’m supposed to get help after everything that happened?

Where it comes from who I can trust because it hurts so much to

Be liked because

He keeps them at arm’s length

I didn’t fucking want them anyway

But I beg and I plead and I just need

I fucking need you

But you’re gone and I put so much of me into loving you and loving everything you made I

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put me back

Sorry I’m invisible.

You all make me feel so invisible.

I was once convinced that I would get what I need, I had been alone for so long I forgot what it felt like to speak.

I saw this brightness and I don’t know why I believed it

But I did and just as soon as this

Divine intervention

Came the question

Why?

Why me?

No straight answer,

I never felt like I was anything the only way I could be worth it was if I

Became

Worth it.

I tried.

I wanted more than anything to be worth saving

If they were going to save me there had to be a reason

Between the gentle feelings the

Get away from the door

The word and things I felt

As I tried to be what I needed

No one wanted that so I turned to

What everyone wanted

They don’t know it’s not what they want at all.

Right around this time

You and I we were both in the same place

Does it echo on the other side of the scream?

I know which of us it is without thinking

But the world around us shows others too.

I accidentally showed up at work,

And scared the hell out of a coworker.

You see I don’t know the last time someone saw me,

He started stepping in

I asked him to I should have realised he’d like that

And figure out how.

Keep this mystery

I am on the internet,

But not in real life.

I wanted to get out and be free again,

Real. Solid. Touchable.

I thought I could escape with the heart

Not so but

I think the most distressing thing is that no one has seen me

No one has seen me in

So long

It’s always him and I thought

Someone would notice, I thought

I felt like I loved him so much but when nothing came back I thought

I’ve never been able to be sure of myself and if he’s so sure I’m not important

I guess I made a mistake

I was afraid of that

Of making a mistake

Not that it matters anymore how I felt or still feel or my intentions were never believed.

And midnight happens

It doesn’t surprise me but part of me is still waiting and when I see

Things that remind me

I wonder why he’s not here yet for a moment like none of it happened like

He’s five minutes late he’ll be here any second

I think the clock started as I sat outside thinking

Someone would say something or someone was coming

This has been the longest moment of my life while his goes on and he sees moments and people and he seems like he’s enjoying himself I am glad he is enjoying himself

I

I’m happy for him I just wish I wasn’t trapped

Frozen

Left for once upon a time

I wish I’d left myself

Reasons for people to miss me so they’d want me.

At least then I wouldn’t still be talking to a fucking website

In this data blackhole

I’d have someone to talk to for when the nights

Are so fucking long and the days

I cry because tomorrow is coming.

I wish tomorrow wasn’t coming.

Is it okay if for right now all I can do is believe in you?

It’s okay right?

Trying to hold on with arms too cold.

I’m broken so I can’t move,

The chance to meet you came and went

And I had to stand by and watch it all happen

Again.

And seriously?

I just hit shuffle and the answers come like stabs to the heart and there was never

A go

Not once.

Riddles and bullshit.

If everyone cared

Except us, we don’t count.

Leave the language out the door it doesn’t mean anything anymore it’s just a collection of barbs and thorns.

Even as the wheels turned and the guns fired and the mountains blew

I don’t even know when my

One chance

Came and went.

It doesn’t matter how many tears fall because

No one is ever listening

And no one ever has.

Not in person.

Not for a decade or more,

Allowed me to feel.

He was all I had and he’s gone and I don’t even have the privilege of a slap in the face

It’s just this empty space where the hole left from tearing out my heart to hope he could see how it felt

Gapes and I try not to think of it,

How little I want to keep going following

Failing every. Fucking. Shot.

Every one.

Turned and didn’t want me.

The list of names I reached for in the tens.

I can only laugh at my stupid fucking ugly face in the mirror

Because they all say I did it to myself and it’s my fault.

And only I can put me back together, but I don’t remember what me is anymore I erased it so many times

To make sure I was who was expected and it was

Never.

Fucking.

Good enough.

I do everything and they never want me.

Am I really stuck with myself like this for three decades more?

I really am better off dead than this life I’m living.

But no one is going to help me.

Now you’re crying about how lonely you are you selfish little bitch

You fucking cry baby

You’re ugly.

Fuck you are ugly

Shut up you did it to yourself that’s what everyone says you did it to yourself or else they’d love you

It’s your fault so shut up and live your punishment you fucking deserve it

You’re too much of a coward to kill yourself and you piss and moan about how you don’t want to live

For fucks sake you poor baby just shut up at least you have a house who cares is you don’t have any friends if you were worth being friends with you would have friends

And look what you did to your so called family

A few hundred bucks and you’re nothing.

Shows how much you’re worth doesn’t it?

Doesn’t it?

This is my inner voice.

I wish someone would argue with it I can’t anymore…

My life’s a joke for someone to laugh at once it’s over.

Tried so hard to raise the family and did a shit job.

Tried so hard to be able to sing and lost the ability because I couldn’t find anywhere I could sing.

Learnt Japanese only to spend my entire life on the wrong fucking island.

Fell in love only to be hated and unwanted.

Fucked and then disregarded.

Loved only to find that when love was needed it was never there.

Sentenced to be forgotten

The last thing on everyone’s mind.

Wanted to find friends and a lover and enjoy life

Spent every day on an endless monotonous repeat of

Awake

Alone

Work

Alone

Asleep

Awake

School

Alone

Work

Alone

Sleep

Awake alone school work sleep alone alone alone alone

I can count on two hands the people I have seen or spent time with

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Times spent and people spent with.

Assured from the other side of the screen that I’m the problem and I’m the only one who can fix it but

No one will tell me how

You don’t understand how much I don’t want tomorrow

One more day of this and telling myself

It’s worth living for

This unending nightmare

I can’t wake up from.

No one to hear how much I cry

Please don’t make me go I’m so tired

But nobody’s listening

And I never get what I need.

If this is all I get I should be grateful right?

Every night with the stars and the planets.

And myself.

And me.

Every day with the sun.

And myself.

And me.

If this is what I get it must be what I deserve so I shouldn’t want more

It’s selfish isn’t it

I’m so sorry that all I do is cry

I wish I could be more useful to the lights that spend time with me but all I do is cry.

I’m sorry I’m so selfish…

I’m sorry…

I’m so lonely…