Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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I don’t think anyone can quite put into words
The feeling.
One year ago today my world stopped
Just for an instant like a punch in the gut
Like the sudden breaking of a car
Like the moment you’re in an airplane and it
Suddenly drops half a kilometre.
I don’t remember the moment just before
I remember the moment after
I hope you’re okay
Because he isn’t.
Sometimes I’m so mad at you
You’re like the big brother I never had you’re like
You always knew how to join up with the others and put into words how I felt
Even when I was trying to grow out
Still I thought of you with so much affection sometimes I
Think of Mike and your kids and your wife and I think
How could you?
But I know you feel guilt
It was the first thing I noticed when your name wouldn’t leave me alone.
Sometimes I yell at you
I didn’t give you permission to be gone how could you
I’m sorry part of me will always be the child who needed your music as the world fell around me I will return to
But I don’t want you to be gone can it be over now?
Can you come back? Could it be a joke?
I’d laugh you know. I would cry and scream and laugh.
I would call you a fucking liar but I would be so relieved.
I miss you.
They miss you too
I wish I could tell them I see you everywhere
Occasionally complete strangers they mimic what you’ve just said
A smile
Or a wink.
Like they know something I’m missing
I wish I was missing it.
I wish the joke was you’re still here somewhere
Somewhere out there.
How was Vega?
Do the stars shine so bright from there, can you see our sun,
I miss you.
I wish we could have met I’m sorry I get so angry you’re not here
I know you didn’t want to hurt anyone
I know where you were I keep going there.
One second
How could you
And hurt and anger and resentment towards the end
I miss you
And pull on a string that’s been cut there’s no one on the other side we were connected
No one will ever be able to tell me different
You keep visiting me, but I never remember.
Yearning for and loving and
The hole that’s left when
One light goes out in the world
I wish you’d stayed Chester.
I wish you had stayed with me.
I’ll always be selfishly
Wishing you were here with me
Earth is so beautiful
But so big and empty
I didn’t know how much I needed you until you were taken away from me and them and everyone
By the demons.
I know they’re hard to beat, I know they’re mean I know they hurt you I know they tear you apart from the inside and you long for someone who can keep them away or learn their signs and
Notice.
You tried so hard and I don’t blame you I will never blame you for being in that place I know where it is what it’s like how it feels that moment it smirks and says
Just do it.
No one will care.
I miss you.
And I care.
And I’m so sorry they took you to a place where you couldn’t see yourself as
The wonderful, talented, passionate, beautiful, bright
And one of a kind
Star that should have never gone out in the sky.
But I know it’s hard to see your own brightness,
From where the light it created.
I miss you.
I didn’t have to help you leave behind reasons to be missed,
You did that all on your own.
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If I had a choice
I’d own a duplex and my best friend would live on the other side. We’d have a communal kitchen and drink tea and laugh and eat meals together
I miss eating real meals.
If I had a choice
I’d be over there with a job probably at metrotown or something I’d be doing my classes online I’d
Have a best friend.
If I had a choice by the end of January
A simple No
Would have sufficed and I would have taken the heartbreak
Like it just continues every day
If I had a choice I would know what I did wrong and I would try to fix it
If I had a choice someone would have commented on the first few chapters of my book and I would have kept writing it.
If I had a choice
They say life is what you make it
But no matter how hard I push in the direction I want to go there are arms holding me back
If there were no other humans I could attain my dreams of just
Going
The only reason I don’t have a choice,
Is because humans prevent me from making them.
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But I never realised it was all squared away.
I never wanted all of it to happen this way.
There’s no answer but I do have some love.
The messenger keeps screaming from somewhere up above.
The ringing in my ears that won’t fade away 1:23
It changes shades and shapes from within
The spades all coming loose.
I loved you so, but there you go,
And it’s my year without you
Anew.
Who did I run to first to check on and why?
It’s still too sharp to look the me of last year in the eye
I’m sorry
This is what I have to show for a year of fighting
Alone
I thought we’d be better off now,
Somewhere over there I’d have a job and a life where the people who were right would always find me
And no,
There’s no replacement for the one light that goes out
I know you can’t sleep we haven’t slept for weeks.
It’s burning so low I can’t doubt the message.
Do you see how hard I’m trying to keep the flame lit?
I wish I could make it burn brighter but,
One year ago today
Your entire world changed and,
You’re going to go to work and pretend everything is okay
But we all know that’s not the way so,
Good luck.
Enjoy Japan,
When you’re me again you’ll wish it was all a dream we could wake from.
If only I could wake up to a different morning
July 20th 2017.
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I don’t want to be shown them anymore
Keys.
I can’t take anymore
The nudging that I see
Everywhere
Make it go away.
They were my favourite thing before the stories ruined everything.
This nightmare I live through every day
Nothing like my dreams where I have someone to talk to who talks to me.
With.
It would be fine if you were with me,
But you’re not.
I wake every day in a nightmare where you aren’t here.
Plunging back into the ocean where I’ll never find you
Over my head and it never mattered
But when the words changed sound I thought I was waking up.
But I’ll never wake up again
If I had one wish
I’d dream forever.
Without all of this.
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Do you remember when I walked in and cried on your desk for hours?
You don’t because it was a dream but I do because it was a dream.
Do you remember when I lay my head on your shoulder and you said it was alright and you held me close?
You don’t because it was a dream.
But I do because it was a dream.
Do you remember lying awake with me
I’m sorry I woke you
No, it was okay you listened half asleep.
No, but I do.
Do you remember the time I fired a gun and agonised over it for months
The awful feeling of it, the recoil the
I’d never fired a gun,
But I remember hating the feeling.
Do you remember trying to swim across the strait because
It was a dream and damn it I was tired of the island.
When you fly over it, it’s so small but sometimes the wings don’t quite get me off the ground
It was a dream.
I can tell you the dreams I had,
But I can’t tell you the days I had.
I don’t remember.
They’re gone.
But I remember the dreams.
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Children in prison camps.
The younger ones who know only their parents will in their hearts believe they are being punished by them.
Kept away as they cry.
Just more than one hundred years ago they buried slaves.
People who were always people that someone believed, cheap labour but the excuse they made, that colour changed the soul.
What lies they told.
Less than fifty years ago children were still being separated from their parents by monsters with crosses for their
Judgement
Of babies who they abused and everyone was okay with that.
Don’t anyone tell me about good old days unlived while the others
If they are others we are others
There weren’t any others it was a lie but,
Watching life from behind a line while they only because they were born a way lived far better lives.
Don’t tell me those days humans put others in cages are over when
Across from me plays a child who can complain because mummy is helping him learn to climb
And across from me far out of reach if they were within reach I would want to help all of them but they
Stand in boxes wondering
If mum and dad are ever coming back again.
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