Elucidating Questions

It got to right around now when I realised I hadn’t posted what I wrote earlier

Trying to remember if I did write something or not

I’ve been busy messing around with things

And putting on nails and then taking them off again

Which is, essentially to say, not busy

Just puttering

There are children screaming in the night

And I’m trying to decide if someone has set up a haunted house a month early

Perhaps

Sometimes things happen which make things happening on an exact date unlikely

Or impossible

But you still want the memories

Perhaps someone among them doesn’t need to know it’s not Hallowe’en today

Nor that the veil only begins to thin

Of course I’m already seeing every manner of thing out of the corner of my eye

Not quite there

But it’s freaking me out unless I look directly at it

Feeling the seasons change

The fucking way my body feels like I’m using some terrible loaner and my real one, which is still broken but not as bad as this, is resting on a beach somewhere

Fucking thing

How am I supposed to speak nicely to my torture chamber?

Oh, yes, good, laughter

From someone who is faking a laugh because she knows the man who is currently playing stupid games with her isn’t being faithful

Someone who I really admire and really wish the best for because, girl, you don’t deserve this shit

He’s using you to help raise his kid while seeing someone else?

No

It’ll be sad to see her go

Another could have been if not for the circumstances relationship

There I wrote some stuff

My stupid self imposed responsibility to pour ink into the web has been fulfilled

Create until when now?

Such a shame to drop it

Such a chore when there’s nothing happening

And no one to write about

I’m stuck on a word

増やす

ふやす

It translates as increase

Awkwardly

Like a shoe that doesn’t fit

Multiply would be a closer word

Kind of?

It has this air of like

It just happened

Some things happened

There’s more now

But it doesn’t always work as multiply either

Multiply our companions

Sounds like you’re going to breed them or something

We’re on a journey to increase our companions

Also just has this awkward, not quite right

The shoe doesn’t fit

And, no, I’m not going to go the cheap route and add “the numbers of” or any such cop out that I’ve seen translators use

I’m stuck because it’s a good word

There’s no sense of ownership of it

It’s not like I’m giving any context, kind of vibe

They just did

Poof ふやすd

Yes that d does belong there I’m butchering languages, keep up

So many words that just don’t quite click

Then I spend hours thinking about them

It would be nice to share these evening star gazes with someone

I’ll wish on that shooting star

It’s amazing how casually something can be on fire and reaching its doom

Some billion year journey ended

There is a dog howling in the night

Someone to sit in this darkness with me

Look up and ponder

Pointing out little machines

Being disappointed when they’re planes

Coming into this place I know

Where I am

That no one knows but me

Would they see my soul blazing out into space?

Watching as the night vision fades in

And the stars multiply

When the night sky is the only thing that matters

And we wonder why we cared so much about everything else

It’s all pointless

We’re spinning around on a fancy rock in space

How could it really matter?

Why are we not frolicking in this garden?

Why do we work so hard to sustain meaningless things?

Why do we flock to humans who have more than us and fawn?

We could all have nothing in a second

Everything we worked so hard to build crumbling around us

Metaphorically or literally

Living these lives chasing after something humans made up

Instead of connection with eachother

Did that shooting star hear my wish?

So they ever?

Something making noises in the night

An owl?

Yes

I should go say goodnight to my planet

There is a second owl

Owl talk

If my body would let me I’d stay out here for hours

That’s the thing about my father

He never apologises

He just comes back in to my life

And acts like I’ve been unfairly ignoring him

And I know there are things he should apologise for

One of them being when I tried to kill myself and he replied by saying “how do you think I feel?”

There isn’t even an air of apology

He just goes back to normal

And drags me with him

He wants me to meet up with him again

I don’t want to

Every fibre of my being says no

Can I just put it off like I forgot?

I don’t want to do anything with him

I wish someone would save me from him

I thought I’d saved myself but he just walked right back in like he’s supposed to be here

There’s still a little human inside of me who remembers playing with him on the floor of my bedroom

The little human also remembers that that memory is one of the last times he did

Something none of my other siblings got to experience

They also didn’t have to experience the loss of it

I wonder sometimes if that wasn’t him trying to prove something to someone

If it wasn’t just an illusion of his making

What am I to do?

Why do all the spirits seem to tell me to just ignore him?

So what if it was a lie that I wouldn’t be a stranger?

One lie for every hundred he told me

Once again you all expect something uncharacteristic of me

I’m doing my best not to crack under the weight of this decision

Immediately

I forgot I had finished on this song

This song is still a little scary

Sometimes they feel like they’re being screamed at me

But the first one is the sign

The second is the message

At least that’s how it’s seemed

Yeah, I can see this

Mysteries

Quiet days

Even when I need them I hate them because of how many I’ve had

Am I selfish for feeling resentment?

That once a month check in

And I just laughed

I’m in the same place you left me doing the same thing you left me doing.

But I didn’t say that

Why bother checking in when you know the answer?

Still here, still starving for attention

I do want to sever

I do

Wish you’d disappear

But I can’t let go

I’m no one’s friend

Friendship rescinded

Not really

But I want to

I want to be angry but I can’t

Because everyone has more important things than me

Unimportant

Unimportant me

No, you see, the sad part is you didn’t try

No one does

No one does

Repeat repeating repeated

It’s impossible to shine alone

Why else are humans here but to see the light and recognise its owner?

ずっとずっと誰も見えずに照らして

寂しくないの？

But there must have been

An unspeakable number unseen

How lonely for them

I’d rather cultivate the stars

Be some great being that is mesmerised by them

That can’t help growing them

Am I?

Once you decide who you is

I’ll let you know my answer

Just let the sounds ring out and fall

It’s just pain

Would my companion join me again tonight?

I dread the day they don’t

Someone to talk to

I can’t even remember what we said

I’m over here collecting dream beings

It’s really the least my mind could do after almost 6 solid years of reoccurring dreams

Give me someone else to talk to

There’s a world in my head

That I wish would switch with this one

I wish I knew what name to say

For both of them

Friend being and Death being

It leaves me feeling lonely

Not that I wasn’t already

It’s a sadness I’ll never know the end of

Until someone takes a moment to see me

I don’t even know what that would take

What I’d have to be to see that

No one will accept me as imperfect

When I try to even accept the people who demand everything from me

I tripped on a dream

Maybe a nightmare

Treating others as you would want to be?

And a book

My brain’s version of the bible?

Who knows what my brain is doing

Tripping on dreams at bedtime

Trying to prove something to someone

There were lots of abandoned buildings last night

Who knows

I suppose I’ll go dive back into them now

The thing in my mind outside my mind

You can scream all you like

This is of your own making

I love when there’s casual, blatant, unapologetic, cross dressing, in children’s anime.

Pokemon really did pull it off

If the first season of it aired now the next episode I’m going to watch would be labeled as woke propaganda

Yet there it is, nestled comfortably in the past

In a 9 or 10 year old me that didn’t see a problem with a cis dude in make up and a skirt

Probably thought it was funny

Which, while not the appropriate reaction, made sense in a young me

They tried to edit it out, they cut episodes and stuff, but some of it snuck in

Little wishes of Japanese creators presented in anime form

Wouldn’t it be great if?

It would be great if there was no cross dressing

Everyone just wore whatever they wanted

But those little rebellions through anime

When I rewatched the episode with the guy in the lighthouse

And he started asking what the point of humanity was in this system where everything had a place

I don’t know what the English was

But it was as if that statement slept inside me for decades and then woke on its own

I’d had the exact same thought

I know thought is not organic

We are a species of passing down

Everything about us has been thought or felt, perhaps in different ways, but still the same at their core, by others before us

But that wondering

Why are we here?

Why do they have roles and we don’t?

And we feel it, this loss of a role

Thousands of years of humans trying to find their reason for existing

What are we?

And why?

What a thing to put in a children’s show

It most certainly went over my head

I wonder how many thoughts and feelings I have are echoed from the past?

Things I didn’t understand, that my mind had tucked away until I did

How much is young me driving my life?

Besides me being a product of, well, me?

I was hesitant, but for a moment, to venture this far back into my memory

There must be a reason I only have select memories from then

Of course I know at least one reason

Being molested isn’t exactly a fun experience

That man should lose his life for what he did to me

I say I don’t believe in the death penalty, but then I remember that people do things like that

He was so calm doing it

I can’t have been the only one

I feel very trepidant treading here

I think I remember

But do I?

And what don’t I remember?

Now that I’m out of the forest of creation it’s hard to find meaning in this

But perhaps it will be a tool to diving into these places I long left resting in the past?

Not like last time when the decades were taunting me

I’m equipped this time

I may as well have fun with it

Like enjoying the random gender nonconforming bits and pieces

I brought some things with me

I’m going on a journey to find what I left behind

What became my inner thoughts without me noticing