Elucidating Questions

I wish I could remember the name of my dream companion

Do they even have one?

I can remember their face

Kind of

They just seem to be there

Someone to be with

It seems unfair for me to have both

Dream companion

Death spirit being

I barely remember my dreams last night

The weather has been indecisive

I suffer

I found the Moon again

God knows where she’s been hiding

How I missed her

Ah well

That tiny fear that she was gone

Even though it wouldn’t have gone unnoticed

Just had a meeting with my colour point cat friend

It’s so cute how they’ll be wandering between the fences and then see me and come to say hi

You know you’re special when a cat pauses their wandering to come see you

Just for that moment you’re the most important thing in that cat’s world

That moment you’re entirely seen

I love cats

I love my dream companion

They’re kind of like a cat

Just kind of there

Coming into frame every little while

Kind of dumb

Adorable

The part where I’m trapped in the past in a trick house with my ex is shorter

There was swimming this time

Were they swimming with me?

Saturn is with Pisces

I always think that’s really funny

That’s where he just so happens to be

I am a fish

Maybe I want to go swimming

Water has definitely been a theme recently

That hotel is always right next to the water

In the dreams, I never consider there might be consequences to summoning this Death being

I just do it

Sometimes I fear that it’s some prediction

That I’m some message that the end of the world is coming

But, it obviously is

I don’t need to help at all

I wish I could understand these dreams

If I knew what they wanted to tell me

Maybe I could make them stop repeating

I don’t know if the reason I’m fine during the day is because of the dreams

My strange companion

Being held by the spirit I summon

Maybe I’m okay during the day because I just spent time with the beings in my mind

I just know that when night falls

I feel so alone I can’t shake it

I wonder what they are

A mind wildly compensating for reality?

A memory?

If I had a friend

A friend like that

Who came with me places and spent time with me

When I thought I lost my walker they had it

Now, obviously I’m not going to lose my walker in daylight

That’s just reality cracking through the dream

But when my mind tries to turn the moment into a scary one

There they are

I wish I could experience that out loud

I’m content

I’ve got stuff to do, so, naturally, I’m entertained

It doesn’t take much

But I’m unfulfilled

I want someone to be here with me

Need is a word you’ve forced me to stop using

I made it all this way alone and suffering

Which proves I don’t need anyone

You forced me to exist without

So I made do

Which is what I do

But want

It’s all my soul cries out for

Connection

You insist I don’t need it

And the world around me insists you don’t get what you don’t need

But I’d have to kill myself to prove I need it

If I kill myself then I’ll truly be alone

You always catch me like this

The only way for me to prove anything is to die

That’s the one thing I did out grow

Wanting it

It’s an either or situation

Either I want to find connection

Or I want to die

It’s pretty clear, except for the little asterisk that the only way to prove I need the connection is to die

Isn’t it just unfair

That there’s no way to win?

No matter what, there’s a saying or a rule

What you don’t have you don’t need it now

Love comes when you stop searching for it

The only way to prove you need something

Is to die without it

Where am I just supposed to go out and find what I’m looking for?

It’s awful, being alone all the time

I tried once

To summon a love from another place

Magic doesn’t work like I imagined it did though

Magic is more subtle than that

I wish I could

Just reach out and grab hold

And pull until I meet the thread’s end

You have to meet me to know I’m calling for you

Somewhere on Earth today

Someone feel in love with someone

That must be nice for them

The falling

Stupidly it beats

What are you planning to do?

Storm the castle?

Of course I’m looking up at the sky

No stars tonight though

To light the way

I’m not alone if I’m dripping in spirits

How they call

Like I’m supposed to be doing something

When I already tried everything

More than twice

Why do I want to be recognised by someone like that?

Into the night

So easy to imagine being wanted

And yet

And yet here I am

Pulsing into the night

I wish I knew who was in the dark

Just outside my consciousness

If I call

Is someone somewhere spurned to find me?

Or are we all wandering randomly

Tugging the thread

It’s attached right?

Doesn’t just disappear into the darkness like everything else?

Outside me

And yet I’m so much more than this body that holds me

Maybe it’s just neurology

It is half pain

Because in the end there wasn’t really a choice

Wandering aimlessly

There’s a you right?

If there isn’t

Why does my soul cry out for you?

Like the light of the dawn

But not even a hint

Patterns and patterns

And I patterned my way into a one sided nightmare

And even if I seek forgiveness

It’s already too late

And in the end

Isn’t it better that I’m nothing?

Isn’t it?

Wasn’t it supposed to happen like this?

Some grand plan

My eyes are burning with the souls of tears of anger

Not falling

Just imagining they’re there

It’s not something I can fight

Reality I can fight

Truth I cannot

A seal of truth

Walking

In the end it’s no different

I’m just without my candle in the dark

If someone would light it

Can I will my dream companion into reality?

They’re very nice

I still can’t remember their face

Or their name

Or if they even have a name

If I could fly

Like in my dreams

I’d go anywhere else for a bit

If I could blink and be in Japan

I wish I could go live with the old man and the old lady for a while

Doesn’t anyone outside me feel me?

Maybe I’m just refracting light

A colourful light stopper

No home

I thought home was within reach

If I just closed my grip around it

But when I opened my hand it was empty

Questions of life

And what its purpose is

I lost track of the Moon

I wish to anchor myself

I’m just floating here

I’ll float away

I’ll disappear

Dissipate into the atmosphere

I want to jump as far away from here as I can

Find some other world to wander

Maybe I am ending the world

Maybe I’ll go end some other one

最後の印

Maybe that’s why I’m always summoning Death in my dreams

Though

It’s strange

I don’t remember him there now that the random companion is there

These dreams

All I’ve got to hold on to

夢の欠片

I don’t want to have to chase someone

I don’t want to be who they settled for when they couldn’t have their number one

I want someone to pick me out of a crowd and go

It’s you

I want to be special to someone

But I don’t feel particularly special

I know I’m worthy of love

Or at least I’m telling myself that right now

But I don’t know if I’m worthy of the love I imagine in my fantasies

In my day dreams

Or the kind I imagined for myself in my psychosis

Something though

Cracks like thunder, but who knows what, echo out into the night

Just something

Because here I am again

It’s dark at 8 because the Sun is going away again and I’m alone

The day closes so quickly

And then quicker

How I dread those long night hours

In that place only I know

The place where I am

I want to share it with someone

I don’t want to look up at the sky alone anymore

The cab driver was so nice

I’m always in a rush

Constantly trying to save other people time having to deal with me

He kept telling me to take my time

I definitely almost face planted, walker and all, trying to get to his car

Curbs are the devil

Whomever invented curbs

Anyways

I just had a sneeze that instead became a yawn

Ass hole body

It was that he wasn’t in a rush

People are always in a rush

Take your timeか

The words of a book from long ago

Do things like yourself, take your time

These things that were signs in my life that I purposely missed

少しずつ戻って来る

Ah, were these things for me after all?

And I pretended they were for the characters and not me

The someone in my dreams

They were there again last night

I didn’t think anyone else would

Care for me today

I thought that dreams were all I’d have

I wrote him a review, because that’s what you do when people are great

So kind

One thing I’ve noticed so far

It’s that cab drivers seem to take my disability seriously, even when I’m not riding handydart

I don’t feel like they’re over estimating my abilities

For instance I haven’t had one cabby assume I can collapse my walker on my own

They always put it in the back for me, but they also collapse it for me

This guy, he made sure my walker was at the door to the taxi so I could immediately put my stuff in the basket instead of carrying it around

Just little things

Isn’t it great when someone is considerate?

It just feels great

Like, I feel seen and it was just a guy telling me to slow down and being considerate

That’s all it takes

I’m so easy to please, and yet

Maybe I’m selfish

I immediately worry about the next time I’ll feel like this

Maybe it’s like an animal with compulsive eating after being starved

Constantly worrying where the next meal will be

When is the next time I will feel like a person?

For a moment I was worthy of good treatment

It was nice

Actually I’ve had good luck recently

Most people have been decent

I don’t know if knowing I deserve better changes anything

But I do, I deserve to have people treat me like I’m working too hard for others

Because so often I am

This rain is lovely

I didn’t want to go to my appointment today

I’m glad I dragged my sorry ass up and did

I just had daifuku for the first time in forever

You know that lady?

The cleaning one

Marie Kondo I think

She says “sparks joy”

That is what putting this in my mouth did

Immediate glee

I miss Japanese food

Like made in Japan

The daifuku was so good though

They never quite get the mochi chewy enough though

It’s supposed to like stick

I helped a bunch of preschoolers make mochi once

The little girl who called me 兄ちゃん

Oh my heart

I hope she’s well somewhere

I hope all those kids that were in elementary school

With the earthquake and tsunami haunting their eyes

Grew up well

I wish I could go there representing something again

I guess I’m stuck with grocery store daifuku

And memories