Elucidating Questions

Even if it hurts

Even if I’m angry

Even if I want to be able to scream

Even if you don’t stand with me I stand with you.

Don’t know why.

It’s who I am.

I notice intricacies of human behaviour.

Because even though I want to turn and bite

It doesn’t change the foundation of the thing I’m biting and

It’s not there I can’t see it

Trust me I looked I can’t just believe

Things I have to search through and pick apart and put back together

And hear every note every word usage every

Because if I hear it I leave.

Capacity

And

Ability

We all have it our bodies acting as bodies could do it but

The soul

The spirit and the heart.

They’d all have to come into alignment for the action to be taken

Or ignored and I

Don’t see someone who could just ignore that,

Even if they could all ignore this I don’t think

I hate that word

Think

Like my brain doesn’t think it of course it does it thought it backwards and forwards and frontwards and upwards and everywhere

Every aspect.

I don’t see someone with a storm who would want to hurt someone else with it

I see

Someone who would mask the pain and put it into poetry

Which by the way

By the way

Would require intensely twisted thought

To think that

And then produce the opposite

It just doesn’t fit

I’m very specific for very specific reasons but regardless of my specifity

I still know when there’s a person who I can’t trust

Elsewise I wouldn’t hand it out so freely it’s just that humans over time

Over time

They aren’t always the same humans

But that doesn’t change the goodness inside of them it is a reaction to the environment and the friction of what they want and need versus others

Some people lack it

He doesn’t

So either I’m incredibly confused or

It’s all just some mistakes that weren’t mistakes in the moment

And a lie.

If thoughts could reach you I wonder if you’d hear them.

I have reasons I can’t explain without pointing and it doesn’t translate.

I’m up, what the fuck.

That’s one.

Seven seven seven seven

Don’t ask me the keywords change.

I stopped saying it.

Suddenly

5am

And all I could think of sitting on the corner of the street

Invasive thoughts.

I wish I could look you in the eye and ask you but I don’t think I have to I hear it

I saw it

Is it a misunderstanding or malice?

Now do we sit and wait for the answer or do we hear the other side of the story or do we point fingers

I will wait but I don’t think

I don’t feel…

信じられない。

Hey Loki are we still talking?

Sulking.

You keep throwing me at people

No yes kind of

You’re on my mind.

I hear you move like a creak of the earth from far within

I’d have to assume that plans stay the same to follow the story and expect the ending predicted so I know if I have to go across it

I need to put you somewhere to keep it together.

They don’t notice.

Sulking beautiful child with a broken nose and you’re not older than me somehow but you are

Numbers are so hard to translate when the words don’t exist.

The lines aren’t parallel and I do not like being boxed in.

Loki,

Thump

Like a beat

Question unasked answered.

I love you too.

The reason they’re all so

Distant

Is because I make them feel powerless

They left because we were supposed to do it on our own.

They come back if we decide to forget the one other important

Integral

Silent from where we are because once you hear the ringing long enough your mind

Simply adds it to the background noises never heard but

Our mother’s tears

Our mother’s shell

Our mother’s screams

Somewhere out there

Do you think they hear it?

When you listen to her,

Does your head hurt like mine does?

It’s louder again.

Whatever it is.

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday

Like an over excited sales man on a 90s commercial.

What about it it barely existed or do you mean this or next or the next after that

See there’s no god damn context.

It’s coming.

What?

You’ll see.

Bang.

This isn’t “you will be visited by the ghosts of Christmas past”

This is “Look out!”

For what?

And then nothing until it hits whatever it hits

What do I hear?

Do I hear the gears of a mind or the bubble of the magma or the way the earth shifts or

What is it

That makes me see, hear, think, feel

I never saw it coming

No I did I just didn’t know what “it” was.

I knew of an it.

Sometimes I get clues.

Magnitude or fire or something like a string on repeat

Sometimes it’s just

A sigh and I know in that moment

It’s him seeing it.

“My work is never done”

If I ask how many he says “just watch”

And when I say they were all important he says

I know.

He and she and they are connected to the

Nameless something

The narrator or the centre of the centres or

That element of the stories the

What’s that word again?

Omnipresent immanence inserting itself into our stories of our lives and the lives of others

In the human story about

Existence

That one

You, you there

I always get this feeling of

“What I was already paying attention”

I wonder how much attention it can possibly possess to be always always

Always

Paying attention but

Often I hear how they think you hate them

Does the ocean hate the person who drowned within it, or was it helpless to save them?

Are your hands tied?

Do I have hands?

Touche.

Is it lonely or are there actually more than one of you

Am I really the first?

A glance, or a shift in focus

But still paying attention

There are no eyes no face no voice no matter

Simply it answers

One of them.

The focus was so far away I cannot comprehend unless I am bigger than the sun than the system than the galaxy than the spider web

But where is the core?

Stop looking inside

You will only find the intricacies of

This number doesn’t exist

Many?

Trillions to the power of 500?

This is the one that,

Where doesn’t exist.

The questions no one thought of, or

Didn’t bother to answer.

Why is no one

A person?

Not a person a…

It’s an emotion.

When I cry the juxtaposition of children crying

So young, so little, you do this because you don’t understand

But if I ask what I don’t understand

The sun catches my eye.

I don’t rise

From its perspective we are ridiculously obsessed with the actions the sun does not take

But the actions the sun appears to take from our perspective

We describe actions

That don’t happen.

I’m too little.

I feel like a child in front of this

I’m not in front of it am I in it? Within it?

So many questions

Where is the core?

What is life?

Why are life and love locked in a duel between fates and time and death and light and dark and ocean and sky?

So many

Unanswered questions.

I will talk myself in circles instead of talking to you.

I will sob in my room for hours instead of telling someone I need help.

If I contact you, I need help.

End of story.

I didn’t contact you because I wanted to chat.

I am at the point where I need to know there is another living, breathing, person

If they can see me it’s better.

I probably tried to talk to you once and it didn’t go as planned so now I’m afraid to talk to you again

If I keep trying I love you.

If I start telling you these things you don’t want to hear I need to know you love me too

Because I don’t.

I hate being here,

In this place where every good moment slips into the ocean that is the rest of the day like so many grains of sand washed away on a beach.

If I came out of no where,

I was desperate.

If I told you anything about me, I wanted to know about you to.

I’m afraid to say I’m lonely for fear of people being offended that I am alone.

I’m afraid to say I’m suffering for fear of people being offended that I am suffering.

I am afraid of you.

End of story.

There is a part of me that will always fear what people do because

I was told everyone had a

Point where they would leave me because they’d get tired of me

And I often ask once

Can we meet?

And then give up when the answer is

.

Or,

Maybe later because I noticed

Later never comes and I’m not accusing you of forgetting I exist but I don’t feel like I exist and I need to

And above all the worst part is

I don’t want to kill myself

Myself wants to kill me.

I can’t even come up with a reason why

But I keep losing myself in moments when

I’m feeling all alone again and it’s been

48 hours and all I’ve seen is letters on a rectangle.

Or interactions with shop people scripts exchanged for scripts.

Not one human touch but to push by or out of the way.

I hope every person on this planet who needs human interaction as much as I do

Never lives a life where this is reality

Every

Days.

What are you seeing?

I see a person who has been hurt who I feel terrible for.

I feel that no one should be hurt like that. This animalistic behaviour we claim to have beat out of society that begs the question

The other person

I see someone who sees someone who amasses while people starve I see desperation I see opportunity I see violence I see aggression.

I see regression because society didn’t provide needs it implied would always be there.

I see jealousy I see hatred

I see something to be pitied

And then I see the repercussions and it mixes together like

Two separate tracks they left the station at the same time parallel to each other that are supposed to meet at the other end in some kind of collision but they just revolve around each other.

The actions would never be justifiable,

The motive is what I see and understand

The harming of another is wrong in my core so much so that it takes into consideration

Watch as it spins around itself

That the actions of the individual who had the action done to them prevented the livelihood of another

To be

Worth

For no reason other than to gloat

If you beat the dog enough

It starts to bite

Regardless of if you throw it a bone

No.

We aren’t talking a human and an animal we are talking a human

And a human who felt the need to behave like an animal

For whatever reason.

Can’t make an assumption,

But I can spin the thread all day long

I argue with myself anyways

I don’t want someone to argue with I want to feel peace

Still don’t know where that is

If it isn’t a state or a place

Or a feeling

What is it?

But coming back to the issue

We live in a world where

There is a that side

Why

And there is another side

Why

And we enable the polarization

Even though there is no

Fire to freeze the poles

There is only what humans thus far have created

And what we create for the future each day with

Every action

A moment in time which impacted someone regardless of how invisible I feel

I am aware of it

Uncomfortably so,

In this mold I can’t break out of

I wish I could simply do something about it

But watching it within makes me feel so sad

And watching it from without

Makes me feel so disappointed

I can’t seem to juxtapose them

With this strange storm inside that swirled around itself rather than collide

And the emotions attached that revolve the feeling like planets.

A dilemma,

But how on earth could I ever solve it?

I never solved anything

And there is no we

To discuss it out there.