Elucidating Questions

Never ends,

Just like forever,

But the time between gets lost between the start and the finish,

Like the journey never happened even though it did.

It never happened, again.

Whatever it is didn’t happen ever on repeat.

Maybe it happened once before, but if you put that little mark

It can change all meaning,

Because typically typing with text fails to translate into paralinguistics.

Does the long word with a sudden change in consonant startle, or hit harder than if there was another,

I do not know.

I am merely trying to learn how to convey

Feeling

To text so that it can be felt.

A prod,

A poke,

A check.

Are you safe

And wait for the beat.

Coming in a blast like all the things unsaid,

The misplaced thoughts that echo out in a strange

Schrodinger’s Box kind of way that

Well it was predetermined,

But I didn’t know what I was going to do before it happened,

不思議な珍しい事。

It was like light and day,

Feather

Always

Calls,

And it always means everything.

Connection.

Someone who notices when I’m not doing well.

Who I notice when they’re not doing well.

Someone to cuddle up to when that moment hits me or

Just sit quietly sometimes

A connection

Someone who actually knows me who doesn’t look at me like some

Alien thing.

I know I’m not normal I know I don’t do what everyone else does I know there are things about me that are “off”.

Connection someone who knows what those things are but doesn’t care or

Knows why

Or something

Someone.

Just one, that’s all I ever wanted was one I like people that’s why I interact accidentally I know I’m not wanted

I’ve forgotten how to

Be without being explained first

I feel like everyone is always warning people about me like I do bad things but I try so hard not to

Connection,

Someone who sees the good I try to do instead of all the mistakes I just

I’m here standing on two feet while inside I’m so curled in on myself I don’t know where I end and the darkness begins

Someone who recognises me and knows I’m just so scared

I tried not to hurt you,

Or anyone,

But I’m here so I must have but I didn’t mean to and I’m sorry but it never matters

How many times I say sorry

Someone who would see the tears and know I mean it I’m so sorry

I wish I could get through a day without crying but

Maybe someone who wouldn’t hate me for crying or brush it off I know I do it a lot but it hurts so much

To never see a friend in the crowd or to know that even if I did I know they don’t know me as well as I wish

But I don’t know what to do with who I am

Or what

Or whatever.

Some bullshit about instinct I wrote it

I’m human.

Basics answered,

But I need connection I crave connection I keep reaching out in search of connection

But I have this eighteen year hole where

Everyone just leaves and I am so afraid of

Everyone…

You don’t understand.

If I listen to my heart I feel that tug from it like

Just go it’ll all work and it doesn’t work that way

My poor heart doesn’t listen if I listen it says

I still love him and I don’t know why

I’m still waiting for him to call me

I still look at my phone, stare at the notification and wish

I still wanted to be just a bit closer

I can’t control it and it’s not fair stop.

Just stop.

I can’t let it go farther than there because it comes with the following

What have I done?

And if it doesn’t work then I can’t be the one

So why is it that when I think about where I wanted to be now and how I wanted it to be it’s not this life

Is there another me living a parallel life who did it right and got all the right answers and didn’t

Crash and burn like a disgusting pig in the mud

Like me

I hate listening to my heart because all it does is lie to me.

About how much it loves all these people which is cute because

That’s not possible or at least one of them would love me back so

Why would I listen to it?

It got me in this fucking mess.

There is no one I hate

Except myself and this hellish sentence

That never ends where all the time I spend is with me.

It’s with me…

I hear other people laughing and other people having a good time and other people

I just wanted to have a good time too

But it’s never a good time.

So I look to the sky like a child and wait until Saturn appears because

At least

The planets are still here…

Just because they can’t leave, or I tell myself and then it gets cold

I’m so tired.

I want to go home.

You came in buzzing with energy but I felt so sick and tired you whispered

Another one

Good for you I said then went

No, no, no,

I meant and you already knew

Knew I was sick,

Understanding what it does to me.

Because you remember,

Everything.

Somehow inexplicably connected

To Memory.

So many things,

That had I heard turned sour through the day as the hours brought more and more

No, I haven’t.

But that one was loud,

Like the words all attached to you did you put them there or did I or did we?

Hello other one,

Whatever that is.

World resembles the track.

When the sun comes up, am I looking at you?

Of course I am,

After all the sun isn’t there yet,

And you are the messenger.

None is worse than one.

Or something similar,

And what’s wrong with silver?

I like it.