Elucidating Questions

If I say I need you

Like I do

I have to see the wreckage

Of over half a year of nothing just

Trying.

I don’t know why it had to be like this

I don’t know why people make it like this

I could almost say that if I had others I’d be okay

Almost

But it would be a lie.

You’re always on my mind.

I can’t get you out of my head.

Why?

Without even a glance in my direction why am I so stuck here?

Every time I go to

Let go

Of anyone I think of how much it hurts to be let go of and I hold tighter

But you never said you wanted me,

Not even just alive.

So if I need you

Then why?

あなたは今どこで何をしていますか?

I am here,

Waiting.

I was going to do as asked but then he caught my eye and he’s just so warm.

The waves come in,

Amplifier the moon.

The assassin’s belt, keeping time for no reason.

It doesn’t sound so upsetting if you can’t keep a straight face.

Will You Be There

Fitting.

I don’t know.

Hense.

Iove but skip ahead

Straight back to an owl.

Yes.

That is interesting.

Not right now though.

I love stones,

All the glittering ones,

The not glittering ones too.

The accidental collection,

I can’t live without.

I keep hearing

Catastrophic cosmic shift.

But am I hearing it from here?

Or where the unicorn lies?

If I could find you now…

Would I have explaining to do, or would you smile that smile I know I know

And hold me tight

Where would we go?

I had it all planned out all you had to do was come in

At any point

But every day rings another bell and you’re still not here

I told you to find me, but what does that mean?

It’s been too long.

I guess.

I wanted to know

If you know

Or if I did or

If you were even looking.

Called the wrong number

Or something

So many things I saw him doing always remind me of you,

I feel like that would piss you off, but

Suddenly I feel like laughing even though I want to cry because

思いを伝えたら

You loved this song

I know you did.

I’ll sing it for you.

Because you’d want to fight.

And tell me to take the love you sent and go to bed.

Just out of reach,

But I know you’d do it.

You.

I love you and I miss you.

Because the shining stars,

Always say, the future shone bright.

And because today also,

I keep walking.

Singing child up in the tree,

Do you have a lyre for me? I have not one, but two, you see

I cannot seem to find my key.

Do you know what he said?

I have a lyre, but it will not help, you have far too many about yourself

You cannot fulfill the need to be free if you carry them all so tightly around the…

Crows cawing from above,

The sun rises or we spin back toward it again the keyboard

Slips

I wonder, why none of it makes sense, but it’s still words.

Some words go together

Like forever

But also never

And pull the lever

And I don’t think I’m clever

Or anything I just don’t think I can go on

I just get so bored and it’s like

All these thoughts that circle around and around I just need to put them down because I

Don’t want them anymore. I don’t care if they don’t make sense.

If I took half as much as I think I did it’s probably even anyways.

I cry so much these days,

If I’m not crying it hurts in my chest like it’s just

Waiting to bubble open.

I don’t want to, it just happens like a switch flicked and

You have no idea what’s happening behind my eyes as the tears fall

Are you fucking kidding me?

Suck it up.

Are you trying to guilt people into feeling sorry for you?

Anyone should be concerned

Because these days I don’t cry

Without laughter escaping.

Someone told me to keep breathing

Someones?

I laughed,

And then cried more.

Three chances to guess why.

I get so frustrated with myself.

I was so unused to being comforted when I cry

That when he put his arm around me I was startled.

He’s kind.

A good person.

I’m so humiliated.

I was trying to explain the situation,

But I couldn’t.

Because I’m just a fast food worker.

I’m trying so hard not to crash.

Trying to keep my body functioning as my hands seize and my mind feels as hazy as the sky up above

Trying to keep the nausea in check.

It’s just chest pain it’ll go away,

It’s just my fingers not moving right it’ll go away.

Did you say something I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you through the fog.

I’m trying not to crack,

Putting so much work in my only free time is in my dreams the rest is recovery

I lie in bed and wish I could be free,

My limbs feel like led.

This is what it means to have an invisible disease

They say work harder, better, stronger, faster.

I’m struggling to remember what I’m making.

They won’t leave me to work at my own pace

I know it’s not fast enough, but I’m trying so hard

Frustrated with myself as I watch from a step back so tired and lost and confused.

Through the fog I see myself dropping things, making mistakes, I can’t stop it I’m not even on autopilot.

God help me I am so tired I need a means to just…

Rest a while.

My spine aches,

My shoulder blades,

My knees,

My stomach,

My arms,

My hands,

My feet, my head

My heart.

Did I miss anything?

The clothes I wear feel so constricting and they hurt sometimes,

Like they’re wrapped too tight but I

Am trying so hard not to crash because

No one can catch me if I fall.

There’s no safety net for me and my invisible disease.