Elucidating Questions

I’m trying so hard not to crash.

Trying to keep my body functioning as my hands seize and my mind feels as hazy as the sky up above

Trying to keep the nausea in check.

It’s just chest pain it’ll go away,

It’s just my fingers not moving right it’ll go away.

Did you say something I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you through the fog.

I’m trying not to crack,

Putting so much work in my only free time is in my dreams the rest is recovery

I lie in bed and wish I could be free,

My limbs feel like led.

This is what it means to have an invisible disease

They say work harder, better, stronger, faster.

I’m struggling to remember what I’m making.

They won’t leave me to work at my own pace

I know it’s not fast enough, but I’m trying so hard

Frustrated with myself as I watch from a step back so tired and lost and confused.

Through the fog I see myself dropping things, making mistakes, I can’t stop it I’m not even on autopilot.

God help me I am so tired I need a means to just…

Rest a while.

My spine aches,

My shoulder blades,

My knees,

My stomach,

My arms,

My hands,

My feet, my head

My heart.

Did I miss anything?

The clothes I wear feel so constricting and they hurt sometimes,

Like they’re wrapped too tight but I

Am trying so hard not to crash because

No one can catch me if I fall.

There’s no safety net for me and my invisible disease.

The music that is the tide of the sun,

With words of him

Some silver

Or whomever is the loudest

Change in the

Tone.

The one that makes me the nobody,

The one that cries, lies, and dies.

The one that comes in like something on fire,

But not really,

That Mercurian heat.

Nobody.

Is a fucking feeling.

We want to see the day

Where nobody

Dies.

Reminding I don’t feel like a person and it shouldn’t feel like that for anyone.

A callous, brash, fibbing, wonderful, loving, gentle feeling.

The words that hung suspended in space that I want to take back,

That I wanted to take me to

Being seen.

Thinking the connection of the words to the people who wrote them down

Because what I want to say gets lost along the way

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of tomorrow and I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of September and I’m afraid of the clock blinking and the earth dying and the feeling I’ll never ever

Be somebody.

I have to be somebody,

If there was ever a chance of there being somebody,

But I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do the bare minimum.

The future is not bright,

I can’t see past the line I have no stability past it or up until it or

Something but I know I’ll be here

And that terrifies me…

There once was a bluebird, singing in a tree,

Who flew away and wouldn’t look at me.

There once was a wolf, beautiful and strong,

Who would never come near me, if he did he never stayed long.

There once was an owl, who I wanted to talk to,

Who would rather be in a cage than say hello.

There once was an eagle, who was soft and shy,

Who could put up with me from time to time.

There once was a bull, who didn’t quite get it,

But stayed quietly by the fence as if he wanted to get over it.

There once was a bear, strong, solemn, and far away,

Whose happiness and healing I would hope for every day.

I’m sorry.

My heart is always with you,

Because I never can be.

Sometimes I hear it beating, but I dont want to know.

Hiding in the planets talking all day to the sun.

Untangling mysteries that don’t even exist.

Sometimes I can get up,

For a show,

But I’m not interested in seeing the damage,

I don’t know if it beats because it’s bleeding,

Or if there’s something that made it smile but I can’t

Do it the looking back to see if you’re all right every day,

Because I don’t even know where I am anymore or why

Stuck inside choices I can’t make and promises that even kept mean nothing.

It’s with you,

The me left behind sometimes feels it try to sneak in

Standing far back from the burning wreckage,

Of my heart when it can’t land.

海の音も匂いが強い、海王星の声が聞こえる。

頭の中にバイオリンの音がうるさくなる。

見えない星に、運命の戦い長い出でょう?

空何かじゃない、海何かじゃない。

いつも隣、ずっと離れている。

空の銀色煙、

海の暗い闇。

空があるなら光がある、

光があるから海の深い闇もある。

現実のジレンマ、

空に、

あなたの隣だけで嫌って言いたくっても

現実の残酷、

永遠に、隣だけで、

一緒にになるなら、天罰、残酷、カオス…

それとも奇跡?

見たいな、奇跡の用な出会い。

Earlier it was a call for help, in the future.

Left notes of love and apology.

It was all really supposed to be a love letter that didn’t end up until it was answered.

It was for everyone and specifically some but not no one.

I don’t remember it, it must have been terrible enough that every person I sent it to ignored all of it

Yet I carried into the expansion and the expansion just

Never worked anyways.

These bridges I apparently burned when the fire started from the other side.

It never felt worse than to know

That even the thing I had bought for myself to remember her by

Would be met with silence.

Completely shut out from the world I once knew,

I circle around in this place where I cannot find home.

Accidentally lived through another day in hell.

I’m not really trying but I’m not really trying either.

Because I tried so hard

My worth is a couple hundred

Well communicated value,

From the people who love me the most.