Elucidating Questions

I feel awful today

Hard to tell if I drank too much last night or if it’s the weather

Maybe both

I might as well have worked yesterday, feeling like this

Days like this are harder

I’m convinced I’d be less miserable if someone was with me

But people don’t seem to get my disease

They disappear

Eventually I’m forgotten again

I feel unsettled and trapped

And I’m exhausted

I could fall asleep at any moment

I slept through half they day

I hate wasting daylight

Especially when the Sun is about to become scarce

Not that it’s sunny today

But I saw the Sun earlier

Came out in a moment that felt just for me

Though I never know who else’s world lit up at the exact right moment

I don’t mind sharing

I differ on that, from a lot of people

The Sun doesn’t have to be just for me

My god, but not mine

I do want to give love to this world

But when I’m feeling like this I want to hide with someone I trust

Weathering these storms alone takes a toll

I resent every day I have cried for a companion for days like today, but it never happened

I can hear an angry squirrel

I wish I could be angry on days like today

Angry that, despite everything trying to make me believe otherwise, I did not get what I need most of all

And that it’s another day that will disappear

Poof

Gone

Maybe I took on too much

From that conversation yesterday

Why not all three?

The trifecta of weather, alcohol, and empathy

Or whatever it is because people say that people who claim to take on the energy of others are lying

I don’t know what you’d call what I do then

Recover, you say

Rest

You know I’m shit at both

I don’t sit still

Look forward to tomorrow

I made it again

Another check point I created

I feel awful, but I succeeded in living again

No one gets how I struggle

But it’s okay

One, big, exhausted, defeated, hooray!

It’s just such an uphill battle, every step

And I feel like I’m falling leagues behind everyone else

Still, your love is there without fail

Maybe I can be content with it today

I’m so exhausted

I can’t even expend the energy to become upset about being alone

You keep implying it’s just the two of us

Fate?

If we’re all that’s left some day

I somehow figure out how to surpass Time

I’d probably cry, just like now, when it’s just you and me

Not tears

But my heart has been

The geese are joining in the flocking

Casual screaming

Yeah, me too

Except I’m screaming into the depths of time

And no one can hear me there

The Moon light

Shining and illuminating the darkness

I always get wrapped up in the people around me

But

It is kind of my job, I think

Yes this is certainly a Moon night

The music sees her too

I won’t hold it against you that you disappeared for a few weeks

If I tell you I love him you’ll look at me pale and white

Grey

And in your light it will feel okay

But in Earth

Things aren’t as simple as the light you reflect

Nor the love in it

I just have to become greater

Shine brighter

I cannot be settled with reflecting

I have to shine with my own light

It is quiet in this night

Waiting for something

Maybe

Mostly I want to go to sleep and see my friend

I was someone else’s ear today

It’s so hard to see them hurt each other

All these people in this planet

All these poor people just hurting each other

Your gentle sonata

From the Universe to the Sun to the Moon

I wish I could do it too

Sing them a song of love

From the place stars fall

Would I have the patience to sing it even when they won’t listen?

The strength of the beings

I wish I had it

I want to turn my unloved love

Into fragments that fall over the Earth

Something that would teach them to care more

More about the way they treat one another

Any thing living

Today I acted with gentleness outside

But I’m still jaded

No?

I wish I knew what I was fighting for

If I send it up, will it fall back down as rain?

Amrita

But love

Oh a great beast has interrupted the serenade of the Moon

To tell me to go to bed

Yes, I know “Yes”

As you wish master

Of whatever you are

I couldn’t explain my life

No one would believe it

I can’t believe I’m going to have a tattoo in two days

This time Wednesday

I’ll be being tattooed

I just spent some time laughing

About a tattoo studio called Tatsu Tattoo

Because it sounds funny in Japanese

たつタトゥー

Hehehe

Hehehehe

Downtown is fun

Lots of words to play with

It’s also scary because the homeless population is off the charts

Which is such a mystery to the government who created all the ability for the money to disappear upwards and never come back

And I don’t feel unsafe because homeless people are dangerous

I feel unsafe because I’m harmless and hurt people hurt people

I just met a bird!

やっぱり

Downtown is so cool

At the same time it’s awful

Why can’t people congregate harmlessly?

Curse my overly aware self

Can’t just enjoy things

Have to see the sinister side as well

This side and that side

There’s a corner on this building that all the dogs like

Watching them all stop to sniff

Dogs don’t think about the sinister side

I wish I could think like a dog

A transgender person is driving my bus to the doctor today

She’s very nice

Just starting to crack

A beautiful soul

Someone else who sees something else on the inside

She told me her union has been supportive

I wish her luck in her journey

I hope she never feels like it was too late

I’ll tell her it’s never too late

Folk music

The radio host seems casual

A peering into someone’s tastes

I hear all sorts of music from choice of the bus drivers

If I had a power

I would want to be able to give trans people the right bodies

It’s hard looking in a mirror and not seeing yourself

So many of the drivers of the disability bus seem to just want to do good for people

I wish I could do good back to them

Gang vocals

It’s pretty

If I could be the brightest star in the sky

I’d warm everyone’s heart

Make this place a safe place to be yourself

Such a kind soul

All the best to you Briana 💖

I don’t want to write

I want you to be here without pouring my soul out

I don’t want to stare out into the night waiting

I want my waiting to be over now

Looking out into the stars as if searching out there is any more useful than searching in here

I don’t want to have to do anything

I want to stay right here, doing nothing, and have you just walk right up to me

Were it not for my invisibility

Would I have made it this far?

How can you find me

If even I can’t find me?

A mirror I’m screaming at to become real

Because no one else reflects me

Dreams are just your mind

If so, I guess I’m my best friend

Isn’t that twisted.

I’ve said you left me here

But you were never here to begin with

Sometimes I wonder if all my friends throughout my life were just a dream

If I haven’t always been living here like this

Maybe the past is just a trick

Maybe there has only ever been now

Stars go by

The Earth didn’t stop spinning when you won

Curious, as I was certain loss would equal death

Or the end

Yet on you run

We say time marches in English

It’s definitely more like running

Did it taste like victory?

Was it everything you imagined?

Did my mind fill with this person because anything else would be torture?

Is it self preservation to dream a companion?

Second place would have been fine

It’s like I got caught up in running the race from outside the stadium

It wouldn’t have mattered how fast I ran

It was always a dream

I wonder why I started running at all

I almost dare them to move

The stars

For something to change

As if change out there would bring change here

He did choose though

And things changed for him

I should have listened to the drug induced dream thing

You’re not the one

I’m not the one

I wanted to be someone’s one though

You sent me off into a world devoid of people who can love me

The dream also tried to make me believe that by being, existing, I was committing some sin and being selfish

That the only truly unselfish place would be a place where there was no Universe

And, that may be

But I wanted to exist anyways

I was fighting

So I guess even if I’m not the one

And there isn’t another

You get one

I’ll take some other person who’s fucked

Just please don’t send me a person who’s gonna murder me this time, kay?

Let’s start with someone who can put up with me, who isn’t going to kill me for crying

I am calling you

Come my way

But it’s just the same

The Sun is playing on the leaves of the tree

Because darkness is coming again

The end of Summer

I feel it

Pulling away

Come back

I’m not done yet

But the Winter will be walking in soon

The ending means I’m alone again

Going into Winter

I miss the Sun already

I don’t know who would heed my call

Out into the darkness past my self

It always feels like there’s something out there

Something that’s not me

Maybe I romanced it

The something

My luck it’s probably sinister

Not something to call to

Maybe I should actually be screaming

Oh how things echo out

And back

If I tell the something I deserve better

I deserve a love story

Will it grin or nod?

I do

Stubbornly

Gritting my teeth because every fibre of my being cries out again me standing up for myself

There should be someone there

This solitude

Getting drunk on my own

Look I completed another thing

No one to share it with

I’d give love if I could

To anyone who would take it

But they don’t

They should

But, what, I’ll hate the world because my brand of love is unwanted?

Dangling on a string

A homeless heart

I absolutely want to make it out alive

I wish I could sing

For real

For someone

I feel like a siren with no one to entrance

Won’t someone hear my call?

Love is all I have

You can have it if you’re kind