Elucidating Questions

Stuck here with the boundary I can see

Stuck here right between something and nothing

It could be purgatory,

But what is being purged?

I’m not where I want to be,

I’m not with whom I want to be,

I’m not even where I would have wanted to be if I hadn’t even tried

Hadn’t ever caved.

I had a fever,

Is that really it?

It was all started by insomnia and a fever and too much silence

And whatever the fuck happened

To get me locked in my room.

All that weird shit that happened

And every day ends and my heart breaks every night as there’s nothing

But it was always my fault

I must have done something

To deserve nothing

So I must not have been good enough

Try again.

I’m too tired for bitter

But I’m not allowed to cry or what will everyone think?

So tired of feeling like every sound is something.

Look, it’s like this:

The feeling of you on me is like being enveloped in a warmth that no other could produce,

But you

It’s so easy to simply close my eyes and stay there forever

But you burn me if I do that.

So I hide out of clear sight, I still love you.

Give it two months,

I’ll stand under you for hours.

Or maybe when the fall happens,

Maybe then.

The odd feeling of we’re so close, but I can’t get closer,

I do want to,

But this reality.

Unfortunate reality, but you can see me from farther anyhow,

You’re just too hot right now

I can’t compete.

Showed up again

Just to break me out of the systems

The one omnipresence no one can deny

I see the strangest things in the clouds

Think of the universe and the best game of phone anywhere

This one is only mine, this moment this memory

Through some magical mystical thing I looked up just in time to see before the clouds change shape

That instant.

Somehow I always listen to that one

Look up at the sky.

Looking up helps me forget everything that’s happening down here

Up here

Over here

Whatever here is.

Continuing down the same dead end road with the power of whatever it is the universe gave

To make this.

How to express that I still love you

But I think you’re a stupid fucking idiot

It’s like

I still care, the help you gave me accidentally even if you hate it retrospectively has the same value now as it had in that moment

When I didn’t want to be here anymore and you and the others were there

No I don’t know why just you.

But why? And so many questions that just frustrate me to no end.

And I think you know why, that question hangs.

It’s a ticking pendulum, slowly lowering

I’ll bring it up again someday

Because it still haunts me.

There are always childish people

Have you noticed? There are childish cats and dogs and crows, and fish never grow up.

But I can’t quite grasp

Simply because it’s you, so I don’t think you did it on purpose.

Did you hope they’d fall in love with you?

I know that feeling.

I learned something

君の届く用に

For some strange reason they don’t hear you

I’ve met many who don’t care about the people behind the music

I didn’t know that was possible.

It won’t reach you,

But I always love the people.

It’s a fault.

I have a comparison to you

And trust me

You’re still worth saving.

Having woken up,

Disappointment.

One more day wasted, what more meaningless march towards oblivion.

If there is no point behind it, why not now?

I hate this life, I hate it.

Maybe someday I’ll wake up at home instead of somewhere I recognise and immediately regret waking

Maybe

Someday

Wouldn’t that be nice.

One more weekend spent bending over and taking it from every customer who decides I’m their verbal punching bag

No freedom do go out

No freedom to try to meet these people who are totally apparently waiting for me.

Bullshit.

No one is waiting for me or looking for me.

I want to go home…

I want to go home so badly. I’m so tired of waking up all alone with no hope or indication that anyone sees me

Why does my entire life have to be a place that I despise and school? Why can’t I have enjoyment?

Please tell me what I did wrong I’m so tired of waking up for one more meaningless wasted day of invisibility.

LOVE YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING OWL