Elucidating Questions

Somewhere deep inside I still believed,

I was important.

Somewhere deep inside I still believed,

People missed me when I was gone.

The abrupt snap,

The jerk back to reality,

When I realised it wasn’t true.

There is no fallout.

No it wasn’t just him, it was him, my heart can’t take how much having feelings ruined my life.

Despite

Despite my belief, held foolishly,

I was taught the truth through the winter.

The truth hurts.

I wish I had never been shown.

I wish I could still live in ignorance and bliss thinking that people care about me,

That I was wanted and needed, that it was all in my head that I could disappear.

But it’s not.

The reality is that, I wake up every morning

Hoping there will be someone, something, an indication that I’m more than just

Just some nothing that no one ever needs.

Or something to get something from.

I had myself foolishly convinced that if I was my true self, people would love me,

That my true self was something people wanted,

Anything positive.

I thought I was important.

I now wake up every morning,

As reality closes in, I can’t breathe, I can’t find it, that stupid foolish belief.

I wake every morning knowing the truth.

It’s been over half a year and,

This is the one thing I know for sure is true,

Reality hurts,

And no one is going to help you.

I used to think everyone has something to live for,

I used to think all the people I dreamed of were someday within reach,

I used to think people would support you if you came out and said what you needed.

I was wrong.

I just wish it was easier to go.

I’ve tried everything and I still wake up every morning

Wishing I was dead,

So that the morning could be better for everyone else.

A morning where I am not present, would make everything better.

The psychotic laughter of Saturn through the night as I prove him right.

And then

Well nothing, but he thinks it’s good.

Stumbling along the oldest song in my library.

It’s not like you’ve lost, it’s just starting

Don’t lose, don’t erase, don’t break it.

It’s on repeat.

Here and there,

The mermaids sing it,

And now this

Nostalgic song that I won’t hand over.

Because it’s mine.

I gave up every song I could hide in

To get here so I feel like I lose either way,

But they keep saying don’t.

You can’t set the internet on fire anyways.

It’s nothing, it’s over

Over and done

But I’ve never understood The End

Because life goes on spinning as it does and

I don’t understand how things come to an end they don’t stop there.

Stories, lives, people

I sit in the box until the frustration gets to me and I should be could be doing this or that but

I’m so tired I feel like one person climbing a mountain the oxygen grows thinner

I want to drown out the sounds of other people

Because they’re enjoying life

And I’m so tired of trying to enjoy life

In a life of no enjoyment

And I get sick over and over again

At the mercy of a monster who has never shown it before.

Even then stupid I would be able to hide and pretend I was home.

I woke up for no reason to ash and dust I wouldn’t be able to carry on my own.

Tried to shovel and figure out something

Clouds of darkness rolling in day after day like

This is the world I live in?

Couldn’t believe.

But so complex and untangling myself becomes so impossible

With all the thread I wanted to cherish and protect

Do I remember that or was it only just a dream

Reality starts seeping in the ability to breathe just gets so thin

And something stupid like words overlapping and accidental shifts in sizing

And insignificant moments that felt so reaffirming

It’s a quiet mountain town I have no connection

Having a hard time with some of it,

Sounding like attacks for something I wonder what I did, but I see what you did here and there.

The angry vibrating silver gleem of nothing.

Missing people who were gone.

Half a year

Nothing to show.

Grand dreams and planned out adventures that never quiet took.

A road untravelled, with a gate locked shut

I regret everything

The regrets turn to tears and I don’t know why I was suddenly worried

Or why I decided to make it show.

I don’t remember any of it but the taste the actions left

It’s gone.

I keep whispering

I want to erase 2018,

I have nothing to show

The meaning of being lonely is tears and

Last Friday night

I don’t remember.

Nor any before that.

I don’t know what day it is, I don’t know what happened any day I don’t remember.

But I know I have something to feel guilty for,

And that’s all.

I remember a line here or there

In the moment otherwise nothing.

I wanted to say thank you why did it get twisted?

What’s wrong with me?

Which question are you answering?

I don’t want to talk about

Yes

And the fucking chorus that followed

It only means I’m even less important than I thought.

The magic was never the question.

Well aware I have no place to go.

If my history of failure catches up with me now,

I don’t have a future.

It gets to the point where even buying something to treat yourself

Becomes out of reach you

Look at the price tag and sigh because

You wish you had the freedom,

You wish you could wear what you want.

You think having that thing would make you feel a bit better,

But not really. Looking in the mirror and feeling happy,

There are impossible things in this world.

The world around me taught me to think that way,

I’d rather not, but it’s habit.

It takes so long to break a habit and I can’t get away from it long enough to even try

I know what I do want, but whats are not whos.

I know what I should want, I know what I am told to want.

I try to step back and just

Enjoy life

Or whatever bullshit the happy-go-lucky bullshit crew who have never lived like I do turn out to make the quiet remain quiet.

But it’s not much of a life I’m living.

Am I really going to be just getting by for my entire life?

It’s that thought where I start to go down hill.

The simplification of the words does not an awake nation make.

But I don’t know why they aren’t

Don’t they feel like I do?

Yet they all quietly say

It’s just life

But it’s not, it’s entirely created by those who came before us,

It’s a fabrication.

Someone planned this. We live in a world with no gods whose faces we see but in those who came before us and

Wanted something

To create this

So why do we have to say okay?

But it doesn’t change that I can’t do anything about it.

I just think it.

That’s what I do.

And I’m not going to.