Elucidating Questions

The bike falls down the hole

In the assassin’s belt he lies.

The bear keeps losing footing,

He’s heavy, can I help him?

From behind a mask the boy watches and breathes

It’s not your name it’s your name is

They chose to change it for the world

What reason is this

The bass is breaking to the left, fettering out, that sound like a dying engine.

It could be okay,

Once I get out,

To throw up everything that’s keeping me down but

The lights that fly around

Don’t sing of anything

So incorrect.

My fear of who I am

I am wide awake and I can’t do anything now.

The doe doesn’t know

She’s oblivious

I think it may be better

To never have to think of it

But they created responsibilities they wouldn’t even accept

For us to take on

She may have to die

We all might

And I can’t even cry about it anymore

You think it’s cold but

Look back for a moment

I don’t stop loving these people I just know that without effort

It’ll be too late anyways.

It doesn’t fit anymore

They’re all worried about whether so and so said

Or what they did I

Think about the children I can’t feed.

The pressure drops and the air grows a bit more thin but

The shift got stronger

She’s fighting back and I’m glad

It just means I feel it more

It’s fine

I’m so exhausted with this nothingness

I wish I could be,

Able to help others

Maybe mother can use this energy to help her ends

The means by which I suffer speak nothing to her voice

I can’t try hard enough to live up to my own standards.

I’m the one without any fight

I gave up when

I don’t know

When he said it was

Bye time

Just like that

I tried not to hear it, but I did and I think

I’m the weak one, you know?

The one who doesn’t fight back

I never have and there’s no one to teach me how

And now I have no means

Walking in stasis

I don’t forget any day that this is supposedly paradise

The hand had six fingers or something

Something in threes

Yeah I used to do that too

Knock three times to show I was thinking of him

More meaningless things that never meant a thing don’t worry about it but

Everything else

I don’t even have a voice.

Let alone a whisper.

That would be you see B.

Or whatever

But it’s ironic that I’m kept in a position where the help I could be

Is shot dead in its tracks.

Assuming I’m capable or even that

Any help is needed by others

I often think I should just shut the fuck up.

If there’s two of us then who gets the soul who gets the spirit

Or it doesn’t fit, it never fit, and we’ve never learnt how to deal with it

How we don’t fit, how we stretch it too thin.

The memories streaked with me and her

Or me and him

Or

Us.

But don’t I have a soul? Answers the question.

We knew that one in our core,

But fleeting feelings and I love yous aside nothing has happened.

Not one true hint.

I’m slow, I forget the details, I overlook.

Think too much

But they don’t get me anywhere they just drag me into nowhere

That one pops up a lot, it is a true statement

I borrowed

And stole.

None of it matters though

Word for word

It’s gross

How it is, this is me looking,

Just seeing the wreckage like

Good job kid you tried a guess.

What else to do when it’s run out?

But this belief we hold,

It’s one of those talk yourself around in circles

Treat others as you

Bullshit things really but

Love doesn’t die

It doesn’t matter how jaded or torn or shredded or waterlogged or weak

It has become

It still lives under the surface like a shark waiting to

A dolphin waiting to jump through the surface

In a moment of glee so like that time so like what I wanted with you so like

But in a second the dolphin is gone back below the waves and

The distance between us is so palpable

It’s like a heavy sheet,

Pressing in all around me

Sometimes it feels like it blocks my nose

I wish I could stay in those moments,

I wish I could still believe in love,

In the love I have to give or offer,

But I have yet to see it.

And seeing is believing.

I was born to be yours you just weren’t born to be mine

It’s not black and white

It’s a joke.

There’s no answer for me,

Nothing to hold on to or for

I was born to be yours

How unfortunate.

I’m sorry this happened to you.

There are sirens here and there

Who knows why it is.

I must have done something to deserve this.

I don’t see any light but yours

Every day even without anything

Nothing

Unprompted back into my mind

Shining and being so bright and it’s like

I’ll never even measure up to half of it

Even if I just decided to be you

I’d still be in this mess it’s still my life that gets lived

I’m not even a quarter.

There are more than me every day

I can’t handle the truth.

So I’m going back to sleep.

Wake me when the nightmare is over

Before then leave me to drown.

I have nothing to live for

If not you

And I still don’t know why

I have to see you in my dreams every night

Because it hurts

And then I wake up

And it hurts.

I’m not mad at it I just want to know what I did.

And then your song comes on and I wonder

As it doesn’t run red,

I’m trying so fucking hard not to let it

And maybe I was just feeling it because the song was coming.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t like it.

Any of it, what I did.

Anything at all.

So I’ll shoulder it

And go ahead with whatever I was doing

Do you have anything else?

It doesn’t matter.

I love you.

I don’t have anything else left.

Wouldn’t it be lovely

To be able to write it and make it so

He sees me

He cares

No one has to cry

Everyone gets to be happy

I die.

It doesn’t work like that.

I wondered but it doesn’t

It was all just whispers I was recreating

I’d write it all better

And I’d still write

I die.

It’s all I want, just wanted to leave it better for people

Didn’t want me again.

Didn’t want all the people who feel like I do

Would just write

And they all get better

And I die.

I don’t care about the future.

I am not building myself anything.

I’m not budding or blossoming

I’m withering.

I was in the prime of my life

With my father’s chains around my neck

And when I finally got free of them

I was trapped inside my own body

Watching as things I used to do so easily disappeared

Watching as my mouth stumbled over words I knew

Watching as one by one

They walked away.

Memories

People

Things I used to enjoy

Everything

Left me to my internal eternal hell.

I struggled to try, to try anything because

Every time I put energy in and nothing comes back

I don’t have any energy left to keep myself

And when I work on myself I don’t have enough left to keep myself

In this world that keeps spinning

I’m not strong enough

It’s wonderful to look at yourself and see that

I’m just a failure of society that would have and should have been left to die in the moment I was born

Because I was always going to be this.

I’m not good enough for this world.

No one can carry me

But you’ll carry them.

So why can’t I die?