Elucidating Questions

How to be your own angel

How to believe in yourself when the self everyone describes is not you?

I’m just myself alone,

I hear the descriptions of my actions and their

What’s the word

Intent?

Not intent

Their apparent affect on the world,

The actions are never positive.

It’s never positive feedback I get from the outside.

So if I had faith in myself or trust in myself

I’d have to speak up and tell them all their view of me is wrong but

Would they believe me?

It doesn’t connect, the gears don’t fit

That’s not me I don’t do things like that

Like that

No but not intent

Everyone acts like the wripples of my touch are something to

Draw away from

Sometimes I can’t even feel my fucking foot

I’m not sure how they expected I came up with this grand plan

I can’t keep up with this diabolical human that you’ve painted up of me.

What do they think I’m trying to do?

I can’t pretend I understand this person that they think I am,

They did throw me out.

I must deserve it.

Or did I stop giving god all the attention she thought she deserved?

Oh fuck off with the first mistake it’s a metaphor.

If you don’t get it then ask.

I am being passed to Mars,

Slowly,

As we move and they move

My companions move on and I don’t know when I’ll see them again

I hope I expressed enough how much I love them between the complaining

But Mars hovers quietly.

I don’t want him for less,

I want to express the trepidation

How sometimes we laugh and we smile and other times we just look at each other in silence

Nights like

It’s so cold and I don’t know why.

I keep shaking and I don’t know why.

It’s like my bones are shaking.

When he steps up he is warm,

But he doesn’t know what to call me yet.

I already call him so many things.

I may be a crazy person, you know that much is true

But it’s like the key to all of it is being lost without you

And I feel like it’s been a million days, but I still don’t know the truth

Just thinking myself in circles around you

It’s like that moment when I thought you were finally there

The lasting wanting, just to be more near

It wasn’t me who tried to stop it,

Until I heard the truth

Because every second lost was just another minute lost without you and I know it wasn’t fair I didn’t think there was fairness.

Cracking back in to reality as the wondering mind gets lost in another day

Of solitary insolidarity

I can’t believe it’s still not over.

Why is it so long?

I can already hear what you say in these wripples

I noticed that move out

No not backwards or forwards out

But in travelling the circle I am left here in the same different never the same space and I don’t even feel the

Nostalgia of when it happened it ended after that the grasp

Because the me who is there even now I remember

Trying so hard to show the happy and the good and trying to cling to a tomorrow that could be good

Was in so much pain and agony and I couldn’t understand why.

One year ago I saw the Sansa,

I wanted so badly to see it again.

I still see the heartbeat of Japan everywhere,

In moments of culture class that slips off and feels like

Home

It was amazing to be home for a few weeks.

It went by so fast so slow

I can’t explain that aspect it’s the world spinning around the molasses core

I’m about to make a friend with a kind dolphin

I’m about to see him in Tokyo.

I don’t mention it. There’s no photo of it,

But I have one very clear one in my mind that I will never be able to share

Because I recognised him immediately.

I miss Iwate.

Japan and I we fight often.

Just in silence.

The messenger signals in strange ways, the doubt I have always comes from within.

Creeping up in a dark wave like a tsunami, a tidal wave じゃなくって an overwhelming, powerful, tsunami.

Every time you get scared you start loving him again

He saw it,

The response is strange,

I can never explain it in terms you will understand but he said

Go to sleep, I’ll tell you in the morning.

By morning I wasn’t scared anymore,

Time and space caught up in a strange balance of

I did as he urged,

And this was the answer

Now I’m sitting at this table and thinking

But I still love you

So my doubt was just self hatred come to swallow me

Because I still love you, just these things tend to express themselves at the same time

That’s a coincidence

He’s right you know.

So be he some dream that manifests in strange ways every day every way

He’s the wind that caresses my cheek when I feel like I’m about to break again and

Insists

That just because I’m a crybaby doesn’t mean the tears mean nothing,

And he’s the one who allows for the one who talks me to sleep

In this strange treaty with him,

My guardians,

I would crying without them.

They have proof of that now.

Apparently the laugh was worth it.

Hey, you over there who I can’t even dream will ever read this because I can see that you have somebody

I still love you.

Fucker.

I still love you so much it hurts.

You don’t have a category anymore.

Keep that in mind.

You just want to look at me and be able to understand everything

I’m sorry that must be incredibly uncomfortable for you,

Everyone else tries so hard to present what can be explained in a glance

Do you do it too?

The depth of a person is not measureable in a glance,

There are private things that never escape.

I don’t know why this is

Fear?

But so many things I thought that I must be the only one because no one ever said them outloud

It can’t be the case if every human brain works about the same,

At the rate I think,

In the ways I think.

Because otherwise what possibly could have changed,

To make me function this way?

You want to see me and know some key things,

Because society has taught you those things are easily descerned at a glance,

But sometimes they aren’t.

Not even making conscious choices

I often get that look,

The sweep

Gathering clues, it’s what humans do they just judge the clues they get

I can’t help you officer

I don’t know the answer to your question.