Elucidating Questions

I don’t care about the future.

I am not building myself anything.

I’m not budding or blossoming

I’m withering.

I was in the prime of my life

With my father’s chains around my neck

And when I finally got free of them

I was trapped inside my own body

Watching as things I used to do so easily disappeared

Watching as my mouth stumbled over words I knew

Watching as one by one

They walked away.

Memories

People

Things I used to enjoy

Everything

Left me to my internal eternal hell.

I struggled to try, to try anything because

Every time I put energy in and nothing comes back

I don’t have any energy left to keep myself

And when I work on myself I don’t have enough left to keep myself

In this world that keeps spinning

I’m not strong enough

It’s wonderful to look at yourself and see that

I’m just a failure of society that would have and should have been left to die in the moment I was born

Because I was always going to be this.

I’m not good enough for this world.

No one can carry me

But you’ll carry them.

So why can’t I die?

It screams in its death throes

But no one heard it.

An unfortunate lack of death.

I don’t want any more of this,

If this is the beginning

If this was the beginning

I don’t want it.

Please just let today be my last day,

So that I never have to do it again.

Please just break it

It never worked anyways

Break it

But it keeps beating the fucking thing

And I take another breath

Because I can’t hold my breath for six minutes

I wish I could.

Because then I’d be dead.

Everyone’s idea of true love is different so it doesn’t align. The standards of love and what is expected.

That’s where it misses all of the places.

All I need is for someone to see me,

Startle me to life

As I flow throw this river of coded interactions that never change

I can’t let myself be startled by every little thing it doesn’t change the world to feel joy at seeing pictures.

The accidental landing of someone without a voice who decided to do what he decided to do who knows

Dreams

They’re not worth going over.

The best dreams I have in the daylight end.

The dreams I have at night are exhausting

I wake feeling like I didn’t rest

It feels meaningless to do

If it doesn’t do anything

But to happens and then I have to wake up again in the world which insures me I’m not shut out while ensuring I am

I say it in plain words

Frankly, to have come this far and have literally nothing in fact minus to show for it

I’m so frustrated I could die happily and have no regrets simply because I would be dead

The moment when I wanted to be hit by a falling meteor

Fine

Laugh about it

It would be clean that way but the alignment made it seem devious.

I lose and I’m not even in second place

He loses and it doesn’t matter to him one bit.

Life wasted.

In the second dimension my mind had me believing something good was going to happen

It’s going to get better hold on

The words that were said felt like brace for immediate impact

My mind had me believe it was only a matter of time

Even in believing it never mattered.

But doubt doesn’t make a solid form

Never in my life had I believed something could happen

And understandingly the best thing it could have been was him

I guess I should have

Because suddenly it felt like my deepest thoughts were on trial and I needed to be perfect but I didn’t know why

Perfect

To be sure isn’t the word I wish to or want to connect to it falls

Into a well of silence the weight of it

Something I’ve never been.

Only ever taught that that was where we came from

I was wrong.

Unlearning the learnt.

Dropped back into the sea of

Figures

And idols

It gets so muddled and frustrating the screaming of someone who has a story to tell who

Sees the word and runs away

A password to hell

The only password needed to ruin me.

I gave you all the passwords

There’s all the words again

In a different lives

It’s not even like I’m surprised I’m more

Really just thinking it wasn’t worth it

How strange

Doesn’t come to mind

Just

What a waste.

It doesn’t change the other face,

This rambling falling piece

Wondering silently how the rhyme of the mother tongue goes

With a face as blank as the mask I put on every day to hide that under that mask

If you tear it back,

The words backwards are despair.

It you translate the tone.

And thoughts entering unbid because nothing has been solid

Living forever with this feeling of if only just a bit more

This but must be huge, wandering through years of emptiness.

If you ask me a year it’s gone.

The year I reach back for,

The life I begged to have not end

I still wish to go back to those easily passed days where

Even if nothing was fine it was fine because

I did it.

Easily dropped in the sea of every other day

Missing the chances to say I did it or

Prove I did and the craziness of some no one kid who just wanted to show the best of this to everyone

I wonder if I captured that image

I never seem to fit in the lines.

I’m tired of waking up, thinking today could be the day it goes away, and it doesn’t.

I hate it, thinking I’ve made memories and watching them wash away to nothing

All I have left are these flashbacks

I’m sorry

Just like that I realised the past wasn’t missing it was locked

So I tried to sift through the wreckage of the dust left behind,

Of these years that disappear,

But it’s gone.

I met people I wanted to meet, I felt joy at meeting them, I saw concerts I wanted to see and I held on to them as tight as I could

All that’s left is

I learned how to place triggers,

So I’d never forget,

But all I can remember

Is that it won every time.

Lashing out when the pain is bad,

That becomes me to people,

Instead of

What it could have been.

Yet somehow foolish stupid younger old me,

Still would have chosen him over being better.

Any of them.

Anyone.

Anyone?

No one?

Anything?

I’ll do anything to make it better

No I won’t.

If I have to live like this so one person can live their dream and never fail because I’m the failure every time

I beg for forgiveness

It doesn’t change anything.

Out loud I said my fear was of never remembering anything

Every day is a nightmare

And I told them how to make sure it would never end.

Foolish.

Stupid.

You should have just laid back and accepted

We’re beyond saving,

And we can’t save ourself from this disease

Because it doesn’t think and it communicates with the others in silence

In a conversation I will never get ahead of.

They always win

The big three.

They are the only ones who know when it has defeated me again.

Every day

I wake up realising I don’t remember the day before

Gone in whispers

Everyone else gets to make memories

I get to wake up

And waste another day of my life to feed to the disease that ruined it.

I do a count,

What hurts, what doesn’t,

What will be hurting.

All I know is pain.

I wake up and the first thing I know is

I’m alive

But I don’t know why and

All I experience is pain.

All I remember is pain.

I just want to be erased I can’t do this anymore…

I’m dying.

You don’t understand what that means because you’ve never experienced this before.

No one will ever understand

This disease is killing me.

My body will live for years I’m sure in some lifeless haze of a mockery of life as I’m forced to take another breath I don’t want

And I’m forced to drag my aching bones, my fogged up mind, my sack of broken parts,

I am dying.

This…this death throw of desperately trying to save myself by being honest and showing people how far

I let it go without saying

It’s fucking killing me

I’m running out,

I can see it as clearly as the fog that blocks out the stars and the planets and the moon,

No one notices,

The less this the more short

Little

Blips.

Do you see me?

On repeat.

No one’s going to miss me when I’m gone and I have to live through it.

Trying so hard to get back up and fight for something

But I can’t win the war against my body alone,

No drug will ever fix me,

And I’m so tired of fighting.

My body will be fine,

That’s all anyone cares about

As long as that thing is present and paints a pretty picture of being alive

No one cares

About anyone else’s life

They simply toy with each other’s existence.

I beg of any passing god, spirit, rock, satellite,

Whatever,

Please just let me go,

Help me,

The answer to the question,

Wasn’t yes.

It was no.