Elucidating Questions

It’s alarming not knowing why

But I’ve been told I will never know.

That makes it harder, but no one sees it from my point of view so

The tree doesn’t make noise if no one heard it.

The memories slip further away, forgotten wasted hours seconds days months

It’s going to be an entire year wasted and then what

I don’t hear back from anyone

Ever

It doesn’t even matter what I do or say I could

Can’t do anything.

They always go with someone else you see

I’m not valid.

I thought maybe

I do that.

Hope.

Like a fucking idiot.

I don’t know why I don’t just give in now…

I have no where to go

Help me

No one hears

And I fall back into silence

And slowly slipping down this hole,

Tick tock

Goes the clock

I don’t know what a party feels like

If life is a party for everyone else

I guess there has to be people you push out of the way to get in

I guess my flaw is I don’t.

I’m selfish.

I must be, to think I deserve a place to live while other more valuable lives are left homeless

If I had one to give I would try I’d like to think but I

Don’t know.

I’ve never had one.

I know it’s not a place it’s a person but it hasn’t changed

Twenty odd years I still break down to

I want to go home

But nobody’s listening.

I guess that means I’m listening.

Listening to myself on repeat.

I want a home

But if I don’t have one I don’t deserve one which means someone else out there deserved it more than me

And it’s my fault anyways

I got myself here

Dug myself a hole and then cried when it got too deep to climb out of

They handed me shovels rather than ladders.

It must be what I deserve. Just part of the punishment

After all even that

I send out messages,

I can’t even get in the door to compete with the hundreds of others

Who could have stayed where they were but came here instead

I want to run but where to and with what and how do I just leave all this stuff and who would have to deal with it so

I can see what I’ll have to do

I’m planning for when it drops,

The truth.

When I realise I’m being forced to do what I didn’t want to do but with far worse circumstances and I don’t know why

But it seems like so be it and so that means I have to figure out how to get all this stuff

I shouldn’t feel sad about the idea of throwing it all out, but I am,

Selfish.

But I can’t carry even a backpack on my back,

So this is going to be a really fun exercise in futility.

I know I can’t carry enough to keep me alive.

So at least I know I won’t be around very long to see

What happens after this

Because I know what happens to me.

That first pretense

It’s coming to get me.

I’m not aiming for anything.

I’m not particularly trying.

After all it’s not that I don’t want to,

Or that I don’t want to try,

It’s that I don’t think I can do anything.

I don’t believe in me.

I don’t think anything will change and I can’t face the heartache of trying every day all alone

I can only take it on and go

And it hurts

And I already hurt all day every day so

I can’t find a way in which I’ll be able to live comfortably and happily.

Every step up you lose a step,

I can’t get out of my head

I laughed at it after a while because I didn’t want to admit how much it still applied but when it could be used against him

I realised how sad it was.

Explaining things that no one asked about that don’t need to be explained.

If it never rained again I know I loved it with all I had.

The regret is that to me it’ll never be enough.

The pain is that it never really mattered.

The numbness of the day keeps the love away

What love?

None, I imagined it, don’t mind me.

Sometimes my mind tricks me into believing someone could love me.

I fix it though. I’m not stupid anymore.

I don’t fit, but the rain was nice.

Don’t have to run from your shadow when it isn’t present.

A strange liberation,

Short lived and meaningless nonetheless

The list of people who give up on me grows

The list of people who I give up on stays the same.

Saturdays are for drinking and partying and mating rituals I don’t understand because I’ve never taken part

How do you actually hold someone’s hand

When do you do that

No.

Stop getting ahead of yourself.

Because you already know the answer is never.

I don’t fit.

Here or there or anywhere.

It’s just so much easier to pretend in the land of the sun that nothing can get me

It’s easier than facing all this pain here all alone…every day…

Or that I’m strong enough, stronger for some reason.

I’m just tired of being the reciever

And no one needs to hear any of it

Writing it doesn’t help.

Singing used to help but all the songs hate me.

Sometimes I look up and I think

But I’m here right? I’m real right?

But all I see is lives around me existing without need of me and the silence answers perfectly

I’d be better off dead, but here I am.

And I don’t know why.

I want to dance, but there’s nothing to dance for.

I want to sing, but there’s no place to do it.

I want to meet someone, but I’m alone.

I want to speak to someone, but I stay alone in my head, in my room, in the dark

The clock strikes one,

And I sit up.

My hands hurt, my foot hurts, my head aches, my back aches.

I look around,

No one calling on the phone,

Another Saturday where I will be invisible

And alone.

I want it to rain.

It won’t rain.

It doesn’t matter what I want,

Nothing ever comes of it.

Trying leads to failure and heartache.

With that thought I go back to sleep.

I know today won’t be good for something

And I know tomorrow won’t be either.

I’m wasting my life, but there’s no alternative,

And I don’t have anymore fight left in me.