Elucidating Questions

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今度本当かなって

嘘。

一瞬

それなら友達になれそう

っと思っても

携帯のゴストメッセージ

希望なんて

少しずつ

永遠に消える。

I couldn’t

Wouldn’t

Never could give up that place for anyone else,

The one place where I feel at home.

Even when homesick the feeling like

But that’s okay.

You’ll be okay.

In an instant I gave it all up and decided I didn’t need it

But you know if there’s no you,

Then I don’t want to stay here.

There’s nothing keeping me here, at least there I can pretend I’m where I belong.

There’s nowhere here I feel like I belong, like I’m coming home.

That place was nice but it’s not mine, it’s yours.

I hate this place.

I thought I could learn to love it,

But the culture shock

The trampling on who I’m supposed to be

Daily.

All I ever wonder is why people are like this.

Without a thought I can slip back in

It feels like I’m reaching for somewhere I can’t get to

If I was there

I’d be able to live

But because I’m here I can’t.

I don’t think anyone can know the feeling

Of giving up on the place you were taught to love because

There’s no reason

But giving up

Because it doesn’t love you back.

It doesn’t matter who I pour it out to,

I’m leaving.

I’ve decided it.

Now everything is on fire.

Coincidences.

If you want to burn your homes down, and stick your head in the sand and pretend this is weather

While creating acid rain for the rest of the world

Be my guest.

Goodbye

A box I never wanted to be born in anyways.

It all wripples out from the first heartbreak

The one where I thought it wasn’t impossible

So I foolishly carried on like that in a never ending tumble of follies

Just trying to make an improvement

What?

And

Why?

Why it got all tangled in it or whatever it was I stopped when I got too tired I just tried really hard not to say I was

Worn out.

Keeping the face on, hoping it would be enough

Did it ever slip beneath the cracks and think

This makes sense, I can see where this pain comes from

I try

To do this but I can’t expect the same from others it’s a different level I precariously perch upon because

I need someone who sees me like that

I can see you’re broken and trying hard not to be

Maybe someone who could accept the broken for even a second or see when it grows in my spine

Or weighs over me

Like the playground noose.

A crackled sputter of excuses for Saturn

I wanted it so bad

So bad

It still hurts.

I feel like I can’t even stop it from where it is it comes suddenly and loud and I can’t forget you exist for even a second because you come marching back in

As a figment or fragment or whatever without even a name or a trigger or a mention suddenly

It’s you

Every day.

If I could just find a companion,

Or someone who can really see how much of me is missing in every day

I keep telling myself that before I start drowning again.

The year is almost over,

And me in the past is convinced it won’t last like it has because it’s been so hard and we’re trying so hard.

The jokes on them.

Well,

And me.

It isn’t over even now.

And part of me thinks it’s laughable.

I must be pathetic.

If there were two of you there’d be four wonderful men.

You, already twice what you say you are.

I’m drinking again,

But I can’t say this directly to you anymore.

Slowly stepping out

Because I can’t stand to hurt you anymore.

I’m falling in this crack,

But every piece loves you.

With every part of me.

If I broke it in to pieces and gave each facet away

This is the part that loves everything

This is the part that hurts because it never feels like it’s enough

This is the part I crushed in my fist, I don’t remember what it was it’s dust now

Like the ashes I’ll drop it

This part loves him

But it also loves

Wishes it could love him too.

This part has given in and withered, it thought it could help and only wanted to be needed.

Charcoal apathy.

The bitter pill of expectations.

This one always sings dear you

This one always knows where everyone is.

Even if I’m wrong, it tells me their names and I think of them.

This part wanted a companion

This part wanted a friend

A heart is a selfish thing, it wants

Without it see I don’t want anything.

How am I supposed to keep looking for tomorrow

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

Tomorrow

There’s so many.

So many meaningless tomorrows.

And even more meaningless yesterdays.

I thought I’d go buy some flashy sports car or something with my midlife crisis instead this

It happened

And the end was the end

And goodbye never came

Because hello never came either.

I don’t think it’s worth it

I wish I could be happy.

I’m not perfect

I can’t take back anything I did

I tried to do something that I don’t even know

There’s no reason in this box I got locked in I checked.

I had to take it apart after all.

Sometimes I think

I must have put you through so much pain

I do that apparently

Put people through pain

It doesn’t matter who I try to be or how many times I try to start over

I’m this same terrible person

And the reason

Is that the person who raised me

Apparently did a damn good job of it

Ruining everything I was going to be

I’m going to blame the fuck out of him because

Every time I think I’ve come to the end

Every time I thought surely this time I would come across right

Silence comes back

And in the fear I just bite.

No one makes excuses for me,

Even from others.

I’m not going to offer up any

I don’t have any.

I expected everything of you

That was wrong of me I just I’m so lonely

I’m so scared

I don’t know what to do and I thought

Wouldn’t it be nice if

Someone wanted to fight for me

When I couldn’t

It was cruel of me

I’m sorry.

Sad little bird on the ground can’t fly,

The others gather around, but they don’t see anything interesting so they fly away.

The little bird cries,

But crying never fixed anything.

At first everything seemed like indication

Now it seems like taunting

Watch us fly away

Farther away, while you flap your useless wings from the ground.

It doesn’t matter what you say

You called him a liar

If you listened better you would realise he told you

Exactly what would happen.

I can tell you to listen but you won’t because you are me and

I hate you.

So you can cry from the ground all you want no one is going to lift you up.

If I saw you asking for help the way you did I might feel bad for you,

But you can’t blame him for not being here just like you can’t blame him for forgetting about you and like you can’t blame him for giving up on you.

You fooled yourself into thinking you could be loved,

And dragged our entire life down with you.

I will never look at my past self with attempted pride or satisfaction again because

You are there and I hate you for taking him away from me.

I used to be able to hide away in his voice for hours and feel alive and safe and

You stole him from me with some fucking plan for how it was all going to work out right

I hate you.

You took my one joy in life, my one pure joy, and fucked it up because of something and reasons I don’t even know or want to know anymore because all this

What if

Explosive bullshit thought processes if you’d just thought ahead for two fucking seconds you would have known that silently wishing for the moment to meet him

Was far better than whatever you were trying to do and failing at with every second

Can’t you do more than fuck up and then cry about it?

I think you’re pathetic.

Plainly.

You took him away from me, he was my everything and you took him away from me.

I wish you’d never been born.