Elucidating Questions

It’s happened a couple times in my life

And I still have no explanation

The most remembered one would be knowing the tune to 深い森 from Inuyasha the first time I heard it

A mystery

But this will probably be another I remember

I know the tune of the ending song of the first Pokemon movie

In Japanese

That they did not use for the English one in any capacity

Like goose bumps

While I’m humming a tune I’ve never heard before that I knew better than some songs I’ve known all my life

Mysteries

Sometimes I’m terrified that I’m stuck in a ground hog day life

Like I just live this life over and over

And I’m just remembering things even though my memory was erased

That’s just the thing that makes the most sense when I’m paranoid

I wish I had actual answers

And witnesses

Not like there’s any real merit to me putting any of this into the web

What’s it going to do exactly?

Watching Pokemon has been so much fun

Learning all the names in Japanese

Some of the word play is really funny

I’ve been occupied with things to do

It’s been great

Besides the sink incident last night

I am in so much pain today because of it

My hands hurt, my arms hurt, my fingers hurt

Busy and aching means less writing

Forgive me.

I’m very tired

Just spent an hour

Dropped my piercing down the bathroom sink

Commence crying and trying to get it out

Ripped my fingers to shreds

Did not manage to put the sink back together properly

I guess I’m brushing my teeth in the kitchen sink from now on

Did get the piercing

Then trying to get it back in

Couldn’t do that

Put in the back up

Cursing and screaming and yelling at whomever caused today

What the fuck

I am shaking from the effort

I was dripping in sweat

I have no tools

God

That was awful

It’s so hard to live alone

I needed someone else so badly over the last hour

What was this supposed to prove?

I don’t think you have to prove to me that I need someone

I already fucking know you fucking worthless god damn something

I’m like

Trying not to Cat

It was so hard to reign in the absolutely beside themselves feline

Trying to keep myself calm and I have an indignant fury inside me

My hands hurt

My fingers hurt

I got my piercing back but didn’t get it back in

My sink is busted

And possibly something else because there was water everywhere

And I’m exhausted beyond expression

God it must be so hard to have someone who can help you

I don’t know who that was directed at

Tore my nails off because they were in the way

That kind of hurt too

Tore up my nose hole a bunch trying to get it in

Woe is fucking me

Woe

I wish I had someone to talk to right now

I’m feeling really low and defeated

And my fingers hurt

I wish

On Arcturus

That I didn’t have to go through any more reminders that I’m useless on my own

Foolish heart

Saw him for a moment

Never the right person

Never know what I saw to make me look

And if it was the right person

How would I know?

It does that little flutter of hope

What for?

I always ask it

No one again

Who would be there?

Don’t answer that question

I don’t want the answer

We were never meant to be

I don’t know what happened

It will forever be a mystery

Perhaps a sick, desperate mind

Dreams are all I have left

I don’t remember anything about last night

It would be kinder to let me remember

My companion and the being

Today was kind of awful

I just remember a lot of things going wrong

Not specifically what

Short term memory loss

I’m feeling beaten up and high strung

Which means I encountered difficulty of some degree

But exactly what, besides the few customers

And the stress of not getting enough done

I need to rest now

Have dinner

Forget my foolish heart

So he’d walk up

And then, what exactly?

Two strangers passing by

You’re a fool for thinking it would be anything else

Why am I attached to you?

People are truly a mystery

Woman brings up an item she says it’s supposed to be 30% off

It’s already 20% off in the system so I had to calculate it myself

With the calculator I put total x 0.7

And put that in the system

She goes but why does your tablet say (total)?

I explained how I did the calculation

She goes

I don’t want it

Another woman comes up with a code I don’t recognise claiming it’s a gift card

I read the fine print on the screenshot because she won’t bring up the full email “no data”

Fine print says usable ONLINE at Mind The stores

Not Ancient Maritime Fleet

I say this she says I want to speak to your manager

Okay

Manager tells me to enter the code

I’m ready to have egg on my face

Nope, it doesn’t work

Now manager reads the fine print and repeats exactly what I said to the customer

Well fine, but it worked at Mind The

No kidding

I’m just having an odd customer day

I hate saying something, having to call my manager and have them say the exact same thing before the customer will listen

All my experience means nothing in the face of Karen calling for the manager

People say Karen is a slur

I hope so, because they’ve done enough damage to me and other customer service workers they deserve to feel it hit them back

Drugs are great

The pain killers the doctor gave me worked

I was an hour into my shift when I realised

I’m not in pain

How dangerous

And when the cracks started to show

I can take two a day

But I know I shouldn’t

Isn’t it kind of twisted that I have to keep a measure of pain or else I’ll become addicted to not feeling pain?

Imagine that addicted to the feeling of not being in pain all the time

If I seek normalcy, I seek drug dependence

But I got through work

So many weird customers today

And my job is trying to make cashier’s jobs harder

Separate out all online returns (about 50-60% of returns, up to 80% some days) scan each item, sort depending on category

Also reticket everything without one

Also be on cash in one of the busiest stores in the country

Also you’re the only one on cash

I ended up with this huge pile of clothes

Did not reticket anything

Feeling the stress of having too many responsibilities

These fucking genius execs with their delegation of duties

I’d like to see one of them work a full shift in my store

As a cashier

Damages now also collect in a pile in the back

I have worked in many retail places

Anywhere that has “a pile in the back” of anything?

Grows and grows and grows until it’s a 12 hour job that some poor person, usually the person no one likes, has to deal with in 8 hours

Also usually then that unliked person gets forced to do it forever or else it will get that bad again

Working is hard and I struggle with it so much

I struggle with having to hold my tongue for customer service

Being less than other people

Being owned by someone else

I’m generally a nice person

Just, in general

I can become as cold as Pluto on the drop of a dime

Usually it means I’m anxious

Confused

Overwhelmed

But I don’t think there’s a person on this planet who knows that

And I never treat people how I feel

That meaning, even if I dislike them or something they did I will still be courteous

My main problem is, and I don’t know why this is

I struggle with tone of voice

I copy the tones people have used to me

Thinking that’s how they’re supposed to be said

And get told I have an attitude problem

I have struggled with this all my life

I didn’t know that was what I was struggling with until I learned the part about masking and mirroring that neurodivergent people do

And I try

But when I make up my own tones people look at me weird

And when I copy how other people talk to me other people get mad

I can’t tell you how many times growing up I was just trying to say something and people told me I have an attitude problem

Sent to my room sobbing because I didn’t understand what I did wrong

People then said I cried whenever I didn’t get my way when I was just absolutely bewildered about being sent to my room for talking

I don’t do it on purpose

In fact, if I were to speak how I want to speak most of it would be monotone or good natured

And not monotone as in attitude, monotone as in I don’t fucking know what tone to use so I’m using neutral

Communicating is hard

Working is hard

I’m exhausted

That math one really shook me

Because I fucking swear I have math trauma

I was good at math until teachers wouldn’t let me do the equations how I wanted

And then I was terrible at it because I couldn’t wrap my head around formulas

But I’ve started using it again

Even doing math in my head just for fun

And I really thought I had the formula for 30% off figured out

And that woman freaked out

And I showed two other co-workers my formula and they said it was right

And I’m still fucking worried it wasn’t and I’ve been doing percentages wrong this whole time

So thanks lady

It got to right around now when I realised I hadn’t posted what I wrote earlier

Trying to remember if I did write something or not

I’ve been busy messing around with things

And putting on nails and then taking them off again

Which is, essentially to say, not busy

Just puttering

There are children screaming in the night

And I’m trying to decide if someone has set up a haunted house a month early

Perhaps

Sometimes things happen which make things happening on an exact date unlikely

Or impossible

But you still want the memories

Perhaps someone among them doesn’t need to know it’s not Hallowe’en today

Nor that the veil only begins to thin

Of course I’m already seeing every manner of thing out of the corner of my eye

Not quite there

But it’s freaking me out unless I look directly at it

Feeling the seasons change

The fucking way my body feels like I’m using some terrible loaner and my real one, which is still broken but not as bad as this, is resting on a beach somewhere

Fucking thing

How am I supposed to speak nicely to my torture chamber?

Oh, yes, good, laughter

From someone who is faking a laugh because she knows the man who is currently playing stupid games with her isn’t being faithful

Someone who I really admire and really wish the best for because, girl, you don’t deserve this shit

He’s using you to help raise his kid while seeing someone else?

No

It’ll be sad to see her go

Another could have been if not for the circumstances relationship

There I wrote some stuff

My stupid self imposed responsibility to pour ink into the web has been fulfilled

Create until when now?

Such a shame to drop it

Such a chore when there’s nothing happening

And no one to write about

I’m stuck on a word

増やす

ふやす

It translates as increase

Awkwardly

Like a shoe that doesn’t fit

Multiply would be a closer word

Kind of?

It has this air of like

It just happened

Some things happened

There’s more now

But it doesn’t always work as multiply either

Multiply our companions

Sounds like you’re going to breed them or something

We’re on a journey to increase our companions

Also just has this awkward, not quite right

The shoe doesn’t fit

And, no, I’m not going to go the cheap route and add “the numbers of” or any such cop out that I’ve seen translators use

I’m stuck because it’s a good word

There’s no sense of ownership of it

It’s not like I’m giving any context, kind of vibe

They just did

Poof ふやすd

Yes that d does belong there I’m butchering languages, keep up

So many words that just don’t quite click

Then I spend hours thinking about them