Elucidating Questions

I want to go somewhere I can stay

I don’t want to fill the seconds alone with writing how it feels anymore

I want to be free.

I don’t want the forests to be in fire anymore.

I don’t want people to be in pain.

There’s so much to do, but I can’t get unstuck.

There needs to be change but I have no voice to speak with.

Writing thousands upon thousands of meaningless words.

This is much the same as every essay I’ve ever written.

Sent out,

No consequence.

I don’t know why I have to see them everywhere.

I don’t want to see them either.

Not unless it’s actually them.

I don’t want anymore signs or things that light up the moment only to have reality crash in.

Momentarily distracted by a butterfly

Doesn’t change that the butterfly isn’t here for me.

Some countries have slums, places where the poor make their homes

We don’t allow people to do this

We have literal slums built out of canvas and pole.

Beside them infrastructure booms, those who fell off the road, and those who have enough freedom to be annoyed that it is stealing their time.

When you look at it,

They’re so near, but so far apart.

Those people who have enough freedom in our society at least to be able to do

Or got lucky a few times.

In this game of chance,

Yet they sneer at them and say it’s an eyesore.

What will everyone think?

I hope they think the truth,

We built a city for the rich underneath the poor and then hoped the poor would disperse without having anywhere to go.

You’re doing it again,

Just the colours are missing.

Sometimes it plays like a scene.

Awake and afraid of the impending wrath of Love

He swoops in

Swooping is good

You know why you shouldn’t have done that but I don’t blame you

An inhale

It buzzes and I think

Not from him

The clock ticks over to a messenger’s time.

It’s not for me, he insists.

Trying to keep time.

He screams in a direction, insists it’s not for me

The next is anger, it’s not her fault.

I don’t know how to explain that to her.

Mother is crying again, the power of the combination of the time the song and the place.

If the soul is from her,

It’s screaming to save her,

Because I won’t give up at least that part.

Please don’t give up.

He’s warm but silent,

Silent with that burning of wanting to say something. I want to ask him what he’s holding in,

But I’m afraid of the answer.

I wonder if I’ve stopped believing in justice.

I wonder if we ever knew what justice was.

I wonder if the word has meaning or what that meaning was supposed to be.

It’s like a puzzle that’s never finished, can’t be put together because in order to define it one must have defines ones sense of it

And if it’s all different then there is no concrete answer.

The only one able to judge would have to simultaneously understand every definition of justice as it is. So very complex.

Not doing well.

Unmixed, my time and your time are different.

Just loves everything alive

And reality crashes in so I’m stuck again.

Convenient ending

Your cop out, cowardly hiding

Ending because

That’s just how it is

Did you put out any effort?

Don’t answer that, you’d be lying.

Can’t decide what we dream but I can decide to turn on you

Like implying that the tree just fell

That factors weren’t involved.

My subconscious must have thought that was an appropriate excuse

A valid and logical one

But it’s not.

These things happen when one half of the equation doesn’t give a damn.

Even if I took a step back and looked at it from the other side

I have sympathy for you

But I think you’re a coward.

Ending things before they begin because you’re afraid

Isn’t

A thing that happens because it doesn’t work out

It’s cowardice.

That is the bottom line.

I woke up before I could reply

If I could go back to sleep I would fight.

Awake?

Well awake I have proven that no matter how hard you try nothing good happens

Because the one on the other side never recognises me,

Or gives me a chance.

Let’s not dance around it,

You looked at me and I was disqualified

You played with me because you were bored

I told you from day one

Don’t sleep with crazy

And I was crazy in love at first sight

I don’t know if you decided to destroy everything I stand for just to see if you could,

But you did a good job.

Everyone told me it was a bad decision,

But something in you made me want to try.

Do you know that when you told me

You don’t love me

It hurt like nothing I’ve ever experienced before and I thought I had to prove you wrong.

I knew there was no way I’d ever get even close to the person I wanted to be near.

I tried.

I wrote for him for months, I wrote for you to try and get it out of me and made it worse.

One year and months gone by I still love you and I don’t understand why.

As for him

I don’t think you should be giving your opinion on either actually I don’t think you have any idea.

But as for him,

I have no words for it because I look like a fucking idiot either way don’t I?

I do.

Two people who I’m not worth the time for who I would give everything away for.

I tried even.

I don’t even want to be with you, because I’m afraid of you more than I was when I believed you cared.

I don’t want to need you. I don’t want you to be the person I go to. I don’t want you

But it doesn’t matter

Because I do.

And I want him so bad and I don’t know why and it makes it hard to breathe the first thing I remember is waking up and feeling like maybe I hadn’t dreamed it maybe there was a chance

You’d opened up a bit and I could try to reconstruct something

Because there’s no chance with him

So it doesn’t matter how much I want him

So inconsequential,

Me.

I wanted it so badly.

All I learned from you is that wanting people leads to failure and pain.

But I wanted someone to love me

Somewhere is a line like

Love will come around if you want it enough

But I know now it doesn’t.

Because I wanted it from day one,

And you taught me I was unlovable.

And he taught me I was unimportant.

I hate dreaming about you.

I hate dreaming about him.

I have to wake up and feel everything all over again and I don’t want to.

It’s all rolled up in this ball of pain,

Part of me really believed he was the one.

Part of me really believed you were.

Now all of me believes there’s no one for me

And I don’t know what I did to deserve it.

The love is buried so far beneath like do I start with how I agonised about it

How I can’t stop worrying and don’t know why all over again

By complete coincidence I think of the night by seeing it

How panicked I was for no reason

How hard it was to sleep

But it was just one of those things, those cracks I wasn’t supposed to show.

Now I worry, but it doesn’t get me anywhere and I’m not trying to make mistakes

I just don’t know why I feel the need to do it,

But I did so I gave in apparently.

Blame it on the drink, but I managed for days without making a word toward where I wanted it to go so

I don’t know what changed.

I’m so tired.

I just want to know you’re safe.

It’s all I care about these days.

I didn’t want to know it and now I do so it’s hard to hide it from myself

All I see is what everyone else sees and I hate it as well.

I can’t even hide it with my own pride as I have none for anything

It must be the strangest thing to be beautiful,

And have something like me show up.

Well it still hurts but I can’t blame you.

It hurts just as much as being invisible due to it does.

Real life glaring back in the glass

The poor sore eyes.

A face only a person who has seen so many faces it doesn’t matter anymore

Could love.

So far away.

Hey,

I have so many things I want to say, but can’t say because I’m afraid and nothing at all is working.

Hey brother

Okay that one was a bit weird.

Someday the number will reach the number, how many others I wonder

If it makes a difference or is just a thought

Folding paper birds

On repeat.