Elucidating Questions

Island trapped and hidden in smoke as the hills burn and come tumbling down.

Human folly, nature is the price, the sun burning down onto the burning forests and the running creatures

Those who couldn’t make it out on time.

It feels heavy and sad.

The lights of the city overthrown by the lights of the fires.

It burns, she’s burning and we set her alight.

Does anyone else hear the screams? Is it just me?

I want to help her, ankles chained to the desolation caused by being human.

By being made a part of the consumption machine.

Wishing endlessly to be free of it,

But such a dream is never to be realised, so I whisper silent wishes for those affected

And hope she can recover once we’ve been long gone.

Because it’s all I can hope for.

I still love you

Is something to say now,

Or I suppose I’ve loved you for years, but it wasn’t like I said anything until before now.

But now,

Even when the light never turned green and it hurts like hell and there’s no way to get through to you

You don’t want to be got through to, or else you would have welcomed me with open arms

But I still love you.

It hurts when everyone I meet isn’t you

It hurts when someone I meet reminds me of you

It hurts when I think about what I must have done to come this far

What lie?

I keep trying to sift through because I keep hearing

Or feeling

Or seeing

Lies.

Liar.

But I didn’t. I just wrote what I felt at the time so if my feelings were a lie then I’m stumped.

But I still love you.

If I was still as stupid as I was I’d still be sending you message after message and hoping you see but you never see me.

I know I wouldn’t know what to do, I don’t even pretend or imagine meeting you anymore it hurts but I know I love you

I know because it hurts the same.

I know because I used to sit in a box saying thousands of things to the person who I loved more than anything talking in hopes he’d talk back

I know because I still love him and hope he’s happy, I love you.

In love with you, I don’t know.

I killed the passion because it felt wrong to want you in that way when you don’t even care to know my name

So I ignore it and when it creeps in I squash it

But I love you.

I care about you, I will always care about you,

And I may have things I want to yell at you, but those are that thing.

I don’t know if I have any right.

I still love you.

I’m still sorry I am who I am.

I wish I was who you wanted.

I’m sorry, I still love you.

Suddenly realising I feel fine

But I don’t know why.

All things considered, nothing has but it could,

I should be more afraid of the possibilities,

But I don’t think I can be afraid of the future after how many times I fucked up in the present.

I just keep fucking up.

I don’t know how to answer your questions officer.

You see the exhaustion under my eyes has too many reasons behind it

Just a crack in the dome,

One of many.

Bloodshot eyes and broken smiles interconnected to the web of so many problems not enough answers.

Why wouldn’t he answer me?

Why wouldn’t either of them answer me?

So many questions.

I’ve been assured I’ll never know the answer so the hill grows steeper as I try in vain to leave it behind because every time I turn around

I’m suddenly there again with a thousand things to say, but one stupid thing falls out

And it doesn’t get me anywhere.

Hello,

Nice to meet you,

I’m worried about you, are you okay?

But I get frustrated with the whispering in my brain and want it to be someone else’s fault.

Can’t get the thorns out of it.

The flower wilted long ago, but part of me still believes the lies that say

With the right touch it could bloom again.

Most of me can’t picture anything so obviously a lie.

Regardless.

If I’d never met him I’d be happy.

The smoke hangs like fog in the trees, but the sun is orange in its haze.

Thick like the first fall pressure change that whispers in the fallen clouds.

If only I could convince the rain to fall, to soak the earth in its mysterious shape.

Breathing in the tainted air, the ache of lungs already pushed too far.

Grey, dark, and the remnants of screams from what was consumed.

From here I can feel the pressure, of the flames engulfing the island I am trapped on.

If the flames grew higher and there was no escape, what would I do.

Even the sight of the ocean is dampened

The world looks like how I feel.

The air is heavy, the sun visible, but darker.

I don’t want it to be on fire.

I spend every day thinking about him.

Stupid things remind me of him.

Every thing makes me think of him.

I feel guilty.

People push me around, they call me names

My manager gropes my stomach constantly

But I just huddle into the back of my mind and try to think of anything else

My mind thinks anything else is him.

I go through every day, hoping his is better than mine

Well it is, but I hope anyways.

I have no reason to do so, there’s been no indication he thinks of me.

Or ever even saw me.

It doesn’t make it better, it makes me feel small, unknown

I see the faces of those graced with answers and I think

I thought so.

I think about saying something, but I know it goes nowhere so I don’t.

I can’t ever get the words right, clearly

I don’t stand out in a crowd.

I don’t even stand out in a group.

I don’t think I’ll ever be someone that someone takes notice of because I’m hiding in the back and no one is looking for me.

But I think of him every day.

I think of him all the time.

His face gets me through, I know I would lose everything without him

But he’s out of reach

I can’t see him, but when I see pictures I feel torn between

He looks beautiful

And

It hurts so much.

I think of him every day,

But thinking of him every day, just like I did one year ago.

No, for a short time I looked elsewhere,

But in a month’s time I will go back to listening only to him for weeks.

While I wish I could go back to listening.

What I did take for granted,

Was music making me feel safe, loved, accepted.

Like every day I take for granted the sun in the sky, but now that the smoke turns it orange I miss it.

That kind of taken for granted.

Please, if I can’t find him, and if he won’t find me,

Can I at least have the music back?

If I have to think of him every day, feel the pain in my chest as my mind rolls over months of unanswered questions,

Can I please have the music back.

Please.

I just wanted it to be over,

Every day from the day I got back until the the first.

I wished and prayed and begged.

It never came true and my life fell down around me.

Trying to keep it together when I have nothing outside of do this and say that.

The sudden get up because what if.

The current dragged me in.

I let it because I didn’t have anything to live for.

It can be reigned in it just hurts that there wasn’t even a moment where it all got turned back on me

It’s just slowly falling, slowly, into the hole I’ve dug myself in advance without knowing it.

I don’t know why I decided it was a good idea to throw my already trampled heart into a fire

But surprise surprise it didn’t work.

Just like everything else.

This year of failure after failure after failure.