Elucidating Questions

I think it every day, but these day it gets written less and less

But sneak attack mornings with dreams that went too well

I wanted to see you.

When you went away I wanted to see you.

When you didn’t just show up I wanted to see you.

When you never replied I wanted to see you.

I wanted to see you every day before this one,

I used to imagine stupid things like you’d ever end up on this sad rock.

Now it’s like this background process

I keep trying to force quit it but when I’m not paying attention

I still find myself dreaming about the impossibility.

Awakening with a snap and a shake of my head

Nighttime dreams I get trapped in.

I wake and it felt so safe and happy and right

Even though nothing in my dreams is ever right.

Are you crossing field or am I imagining it

Are you here or am I imagining it

It’s just the same soundtrack I’m ignoring.

I can’t ever completely let you go

It just won’t happen.

I still think it.

You’re one for me

I’m one of millions for you.

I know I’m not special, but it still hurts and I wish it wouldn’t.

I want to see you

But what did wanting ever do for me?

It’s hard to get going because everything always has to start out of the mind

Closed tightly away, how much to say, what to say,

And in the end there’s no feeling of accomplishment only

Words no one will ever see tucked away in a memory

I wonder how many thousands of words I’ve written

That don’t have any meaning besides a letter.

It just means that for all I’ve learnt I still start and end the day as nobody.

Not so much a sobering thought as a bewildering one.

I don’t know if anyone I know knows what I’m about.

I don’t know why I can’t connect like everyone else,

But it’s a slow start that leads to something,

I guess.

The place where I’m standing still looks the same as the place where I started.

Nothing really went according to plan.

Important elsewheres to be, but I’m not.

I still wonder if he’s okay,

I just have to try harder not to cry out when it hurts.

Keeping the list with me in my pocket as I continue forward down this road of desolation.

I keep asking if you’re here because without you any future just seems lonely

And alone.

If you even exist. That’s the question with no answer.

I thought

I’m sorry.

None of these letters will reach you. Because I don’t even know what direction to send them in.

Whether or not anyone could love me from seeing the mess I truly am.

Maybe I make it worse by being me and it just means you’re still not here so

You won’t ever find me out there.

I’m too afraid to say the words I really want to say outloud.

The face you see is a lie.

So if I even found you, you’d never recognise me anyways.

And if I recognise you, I’m afraid to say so

Because no one else recognised me.

Hope turns into fear, when the mind is used to having doors shut in front of it.

Waking up from conversations never had, wondering why it won’t leave me be.

The big communal household I dream of is a dream only, but it works in my mind.

Idyllic dream worlds with kinks.

Always something to do or save.

For some reason I can do it.

I wish I had that life,

But wishes for one don’t save the other.

Dreaming to wake up out of this daily something

Into a life where the love is felt.

Silly dreams that will never be seen during the day.

Words never said.

Things I’d rather say to him anyways.

The only thing I can think of is that you’re late.

Because if you’re never coming then none of it will be worth it.

I’ll simply be existing again.

I couldn’t fall asleep out of fear.

Once I got there I was merely dragged into more falsities.

Waking up from them is hard.

Knowing it’ll never happen.

You always have his face.

It’s cruelty for once I’m awake.

I don’t want to talk about it, the strange reasoning that got me here or the entire mess left behind.

I wish I could start again, just write how I felt and kept it to myself.

At least then I would have been left with the music to myself.

Stepping out of my comfort zone brought incredible discomfort.

Not a surprise.

Don’t want to have to go over it because it all made sense at the time but sense slipped away.

How is it that the mask fits so well infront of everyone but I still feel so locked out?

The only absolute is I want to love and be loved.

But I haven’t felt anything like it in years.

Like everything was going to be okay.

That was the first mistake.

I can’t ever give in to that feeling again because I know that even as circumstances get better,

And I appreciate them,

Inside I’ll still be wanting him and unable to reach him.

Or him.

I can’t make a decision that isn’t mine to make you see even if I decide to give up and try to just write one and not the other I still don’t have a right

No footing to stand on so it doesn’t matter that my feelings go two ways because neither wants me so I just overflow anyways.

My teeth hurt from holding in with him, but I don’t want to ruin his chances of finding the person who he’s meant for

So hiding it away is best

And the pain is so deep the gaps left by months of silence.

I’m so used to it sometimes I just lose my mind and let myself because I’m so tired of holding it together

You stupid stupid cat.

If you love him so much go live in his brain instead but I always wanted

Always needed

He’s been on my mind ages longer

I’ve worried for him through nights unseen I miss him when he’s never even been there

That’s a yearning for someone who doesn’t exist

Or doesn’t want to

And this reality is just

Some bad romance that if we’d just listened to everyone we’d have no him and probably no anyone else still anyways but

At least he’d be happy.