Elucidating Questions

Wandering across the winding sands of the the wounded warrior pauses

In the endless darkness the pours down the hills,

The ink in the emptiness pounds against the walls

The evening is empty,

The morning is another colour.

There is nothing to be seen here,

Elsewhere they enjoy the day.

Elsewhere they are free.

Does the moment you realise the split hurt?

Whomever you should be speaking to

Who knows

It’s not like we have any control over it.

I’m awaiting the day none of us have to wake up,

I think I was wrong too.

I shouldn’t have tried to save us.

There are no excuses for all the excuses I was trying to keep us alive.

I don’t care anymore,

But I miss you.

Somehow.

For some reason.

But I already know it doesn’t matter.

One island alone and sinking in the ocean.

Three occupants who will never meet.

I gave that up when it broke.

It doesn’t know anymore.

She’s someone who deserves love but will never get it because we will prevent it.

Because I don’t.

And it doesn’t think it can feel it.

She doesn’t have the will to fight anything anymore.

Every wave hits us.

She takes it as fact.

I wonder how long my mind is going to carry this charade on for.

How long until the dreams figure out they’re hurting me.

Every night

Far away he’s beautiful.

Then I wake and he’s a complete stranger.

Someone I’ll never know, because he doesn’t want to know me.

Somewhere I’ll never know because I don’t do that.

I was wrong.

I keep repeating it, but the heart keeps wandering.

Throw away all the stupid coincidences

They meant nothing even added up.

If everything was gone, I’ve been thinking since yesterday,

If everything was gone.

I want to erase it again.

All this meaningless nothing.

How can I be both?

So I plant a little seed under the tree under too dry earth.

Pent up and angry

Beat down and broken

Lying on the floor in misery.

I fall even in my dreams.

Shouldn’t have fought back.

The fear was real in my dreams.

Is the love real too?

I don’t know anymore.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Waking up off the sight of his face and missing it.

I’m just so lonely please forgive me I have to see your face.

As if I could ever say that I’ve already said enough wrong

Over and over and over again

As if it would ever matter

I made a mistake.

It doesn’t change the pain or the love to know it

It just hurts

All of it was meaningless so I pretend it never happened?

No it’s different

I need him

And want him

And love him

I just know I’m not right for anyone.

I just know no one could love me.

I just know that no one is up to it.

I just know that seeing his face makes it better before it gets much worse as I drop

Round and around

Meaningless thought processes swirling in the murk of my own head.

I live here

It’s not home.

I want to go home.

It just happens that home became his face

About three years ago.

What it comes down to,

Is that I was wrong.

If we were meant to be he would have seen me and it would have been easy

But he didn’t see me.

I was wrong.

The realisation that I’ve been wrong not just for months

But for years of stupid childish imaginings

I turn around in this dark space and there’s no one here.

It’s just me.

I get to spend the rest of my life knowing how wrong I was.

Realising he would have wanted me if I was right.

But I wasn’t.

Hundreds of mistakes poured out into the web

At least no one will find them

I hate myself

Because I know I’m wrong and I still want him

I wish I’d been right

I wanted to see him live happily ever after

I get to see everyone else find their one.

I should be happy for them

But the tears won’t stop

I’m sorry it was an accident

I really am so good at fucking up.

Exhaustion kicks in and I don’t know if I’m losing it because I have myself tied in knots

Or if it’s just exhaustion.

If it’s too much then why doesn’t it just go away?

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could wake up without a care in the world

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could wake up next to someone.

Instead I’ll be by myself.

Someone tell me how to fill the hole I bore into my own heart

I need mine.

I lied when I said I didn’t I was trying to seem strong and it tore me apart but it never mattered anyways.

Feeling so sick and tired.

Everything hurts.

I get one breath and the exhale is all about him

The next breath is the ocean

And then I sink all over again.