Elucidating Questions

I wish I could say it to your face,

Anything,

So I didn’t have to imagine or pretend that someone can hear me.

But here I go with the meaningless wishes

You’re not a genie.

I got over excited, obviously neither am I .

In sync sometimes.

It feels strange to think of our fingers moving at the same time but I know it never matters

I’m just sending inconsequential nothings.

It would have surprised me once, but it doesn’t anymore.

I don’t know why I’m still doing this it’s like a compulsion I can’t stop

What if I stop and something terrible happens

I don’t want to do this anymore this writing

I want to stop

But I turn around for five seconds and here I am again

Why am I still here

Why am I still doing this

Why

Why?

Why can’t I stop?

Why didn’t he set me free why did he leave me here

Like I want to stop

Please just tell me to stop

I wish you would tell me to stop

I don’t want to write anymore.

Please let me stop.

When I can’t sleep at night I hope you’re sleeping.

When I’m all alone I hope you’re not.

I hope, but I always have this suspicion that I’m wrong.

That you can’t sleep either.

I think of what you think of when you’re awake like I am

I think about how you probably wish you could keep yourself company without stopping yourself from sleeping.

I just wish I could look at you ironically and tell you to go to sleep.

Or something.

I wish I could sleep.

Awake for far too long.

Never enough sleep.

I miss you in the middle of the night when I have nothing else to think of but

How much I wish I was asleep.

How much I wish you were here with me.

I wish I was asleep.

I hope you’re asleep.

I love you.

The moment of complete as we saw and felt the light

Afraid because it’s always so short lived but

The light feels so good on my broken beaten body and the spirit I keep dragging up this hill.

I still love you

If I know you

If I know you you’re wanting to say something but weighing the consequences of every action and feeling like you wish you could say something without taking on everything

Or

Something.

Or you hate me.

I hope you don’t because the thought kills me every day.

I wish I knew you don’t.

I keep seeing these things that make me wonder why

Or if you have any idea what you do to me.

Once and then nothing.

But the feelings aren’t any different muted.

Well I gave it up

So I keep trying something.

Just putting down the moment. Some come and go.

I just hate the fire I have in me for you,

I want to be friends.

Marionette hanging from the ceiling,

Puppets in waiting.

The colours from the windows bleed away into the faded background

The lid stuck on, swinging from the top.

The darkest figure merely puts fingers to lips and hushes.

Screaming through the voices of others

Trying to keep my attention

The delusion.

I keep whispering it away

Torn down riverways bleeding old colours

The untorn mountainside of a far away no where.

It’s not hope if no one here can live happy.

Hanging from the ceiling waiting for the scissors to cut the strings.

Until then pulled in whatever direction

Forced into any place. Played away into nothing.

What chances for a faceless Joker and a lightless Moon.

Survivor’s guilt for everything.

Every gain is someone else’s fall I don’t ignore it but

What am I to do?

I’m not trying to beat out or force down or take advantage of

But every day it’s like this…

How was I ever going to come up with solutions for this

Kept thinking I had ideas

Not answers

I knew immediately that I couldn’t pick sides if I wanted to encapsulate

But then I lost me in the generalisation of the existence

I am not an exemplary embodiment of anything.

Except misery I can’t escape.

There’s no one else here

It’s been months since I felt like I connected

I feel so alone

And I’m broken in so many ways I don’t know why I’m still fighting

Just cuts and bruises I’m still here

Every day I’m still here.

I don’t know what for I can barely breathe through the pain

I’m all alone here.

I said I had enough of all alone in the second month of the year it

Never changed anything.

I don’t know why I’m here.

I didn’t realise all my roots were in a family that would turn me out on a dime.

I didn’t realise that I was putting so much of me into them until they were gone and I never found me.

Such that twenty years had no meaning.

Such that all my life had no meaning.

Such that every word they said had no meaning.

Erased in a turn orchestrated so well.

So many stories about me where I have no part.

Just a puppet to make the world turn the direction they wanted.

Nothing I did ever mattered.

It just adds on to the pile of pain and love that I never did right.

Can’t someone show me how to do it right?

Please?