Elucidating Questions

I didn’t realise all my roots were in a family that would turn me out on a dime.

I didn’t realise that I was putting so much of me into them until they were gone and I never found me.

Such that twenty years had no meaning.

Such that all my life had no meaning.

Such that every word they said had no meaning.

Erased in a turn orchestrated so well.

So many stories about me where I have no part.

Just a puppet to make the world turn the direction they wanted.

Nothing I did ever mattered.

It just adds on to the pile of pain and love that I never did right.

Can’t someone show me how to do it right?

Please?

Knowing I’m wrong just makes the feelings hurt more

I can scream at them all day long but they just come stronger

Go away

Leave me alone

Disappear

Stop

Please just stop

Begging doesn’t even work.

I still feel like this. I don’t know how to let go.

I’ve never been able. I still think of people I knew so long ago.

Letting go is not my forte.

So I’m stuck in love and wanting it to go away.

I’m still just waiting always for nothing.

I slip closer to him

He’s a fucking liar

But it doesn’t matter because there’s always this

誰かが隣に居る。

Or something.

Someone is next.

Racing the sun and winning because loss always gets him down.

The sun doesn’t know there is a race.

He still thinks he’s winning.

There are no people in the sky.

If I could meet each individual light and even the ones who have never been seen, only heard.

But no one could replace them,

They’re each someone different,

But I’ve never met them.

Just like I’ve never met them.

A hypothesis that can’t be proven.

Something like that.

I think we should take them down, the ones who only shine to harm.

Well.

What’s in store is bigger than me.

I’m not part of the story.

It would seem I’m merely here to record.

I look at them all

I know I’m just one

Unoriginal

The same as all the rest

I don’t know why I thought I was special

There are only thousand upon thousands

I’m sure they’d be better than me but the thought of it

It feels like a hole in my stomach and a gunshot in my chest

I just don’t want to share but seeing him up there doing what he does

Better than anyone else because I can’t see past the love I have

Who am I to approach someone with such skill and talent and beauty and grace and the way his voice dances

How he throws it in the air as if it’s just dough and not from inside him

Sleepless

Dreamless

Night

Where the morning was met with reminders of yesterday and how there are literally

Thousands

And they’re all better than I’d ever be so I’ll just love him from the back row where I belong.

Out of sight so he never has to see the eyesore again

Out of mind so he never has to think of me again

I wish I could be the one to take him home and hold him and help him but just love him and make sure he never forgets it

That he’s needed and loved but

I was never invited.

I should have known better.

I shouldn’t have let myself feel this way.

It hurts so much.

I don’t have blue eyes I have ugly eyes.

I fall to pieces every day and try to take pieces of myself with me

I stumble and fall and stutter and I’m a failure and I wish I was just a fraction as pretty as all the girls who follow him and want him

But nothing ever changes.

I wish I was pretty enough for him.

I wish I was worthy of him.

I wish I was good enough for him.

I wish I could see him.

Wishes only come true in a disastrous consequence.

But reality hurts so much…

I wanted to sleep this feeling away but instead it’s with me while I sleep and when I wake

I love him.

I’m unworthy.

It makes me want to die.

All around me sounds like a concert anyways

People having Saturday evening

Spending it with friends and laughing

Cars on the roads farther away

Two different musics play

While I stand on the corner waiting for nothing.

Just wishing the day would be over so I can go back to sleep.

Please let me go back to sleep.

Please let me stay asleep.

Laughing and living I wonder if they feel alive

Real

I don’t.

I feel like a broken piece of a machine

Not like a person.

I only live when I’m on the clock

Every other second is wasted.

I can’t find a way out of this hell.

At least I’m closer to the end than the start.

I just wish it would come sooner.

I don’t have anything else in me

There’s no one to catch me as I fall

I cry alone and no one ever knows or hears

And even though all I want is someone to hold on to me

Every time I hit the ground and I get up and there’s no one around me.

I don’t want to do this anymore

I can’t understand the reason why I’m still here

I just want it to be over now.

Please just let me die.

I used to face the music

Find solace and hope in the words and the sounds

Reality crept back in

I realised none of it was true.

Now it just torments me with things other people have experienced

That I never will.

That I dream of but never see in the daylight.

All these stories that aren’t real.

All these lies that never happened.

I want to hide in it, now it just tears me to shreds.

The words turned on me or don’t ring true.

Everything is a lie in the face of him.

Where’s my story?

It never happened.

I have no where to go from here no steps I want to take

I just want to disappear.

I want to die.

I can’t even keep the music anymore.

I used to love this song with every fiber of my self

But it hurts.

Because no one loves me.

And it’s the end.

At least he’s happy.