Elucidating Questions

Poetry

This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.

  • I’m trying to make you proud

    Even when you come in angry and I have no context

    To be gathered over the next few days but

    I don’t know how to do it,

    You are crying I can feel it but I don’t know how to help.

    I feel so small and empty here

    I don’t know how to put a smile on your face that smile

    That we all miss so much.

    It did matter.

    All of it did.

    Just that we don’t know what to do now without you.

    You heard him breaking right? He wasn’t laughing at you.

    The weight of you staying and trying to hold up the world. The way you come back in a flash and I know when you’ve been gone

    But you’re gone.

    It’s not about any of those things

    And I know you tried.

    Because I’m trying too, every day through the pain and the tears

    But we’re stopped here.

    You were sick and dying

    And I am sick and dying

    It doesn’t mean you lost or you failed

    It just means we all lost you

    And so many don’t know where to go

    I don’t know how to do this right

    I don’t know how to take all of this and make it whole.

    The world is incomplete without you

    The world will always be incomplete without you

    I miss you.

    Please don’t cry.

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  • I wish I could say it to your face,

    Anything,

    So I didn’t have to imagine or pretend that someone can hear me.

    But here I go with the meaningless wishes

    You’re not a genie.

    I got over excited, obviously neither am I .

    In sync sometimes.

    It feels strange to think of our fingers moving at the same time but I know it never matters

    I’m just sending inconsequential nothings.

    It would have surprised me once, but it doesn’t anymore.

    I don’t know why I’m still doing this it’s like a compulsion I can’t stop

    What if I stop and something terrible happens

    I don’t want to do this anymore this writing

    I want to stop

    But I turn around for five seconds and here I am again

    Why am I still here

    Why am I still doing this

    Why

    Why?

    Why can’t I stop?

    Why didn’t he set me free why did he leave me here

    Like I want to stop

    Please just tell me to stop

    I wish you would tell me to stop

    I don’t want to write anymore.

    Please let me stop.

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  • When I can’t sleep at night I hope you’re sleeping.

    When I’m all alone I hope you’re not.

    I hope, but I always have this suspicion that I’m wrong.

    That you can’t sleep either.

    I think of what you think of when you’re awake like I am

    I think about how you probably wish you could keep yourself company without stopping yourself from sleeping.

    I just wish I could look at you ironically and tell you to go to sleep.

    Or something.

    I wish I could sleep.

    Awake for far too long.

    Never enough sleep.

    I miss you in the middle of the night when I have nothing else to think of but

    How much I wish I was asleep.

    How much I wish you were here with me.

    I wish I was asleep.

    I hope you’re asleep.

    I love you.

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  • The moment of complete as we saw and felt the light

    Afraid because it’s always so short lived but

    The light feels so good on my broken beaten body and the spirit I keep dragging up this hill.

    I still love you

    If I know you

    If I know you you’re wanting to say something but weighing the consequences of every action and feeling like you wish you could say something without taking on everything

    Or

    Something.

    Or you hate me.

    I hope you don’t because the thought kills me every day.

    I wish I knew you don’t.

    I keep seeing these things that make me wonder why

    Or if you have any idea what you do to me.

    Once and then nothing.

    But the feelings aren’t any different muted.

    Well I gave it up

    So I keep trying something.

    Just putting down the moment. Some come and go.

    I just hate the fire I have in me for you,

    I want to be friends.

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  • Marionette hanging from the ceiling,

    Puppets in waiting.

    The colours from the windows bleed away into the faded background

    The lid stuck on, swinging from the top.

    The darkest figure merely puts fingers to lips and hushes.

    Screaming through the voices of others

    Trying to keep my attention

    The delusion.

    I keep whispering it away

    Torn down riverways bleeding old colours

    The untorn mountainside of a far away no where.

    It’s not hope if no one here can live happy.

    Hanging from the ceiling waiting for the scissors to cut the strings.

    Until then pulled in whatever direction

    Forced into any place. Played away into nothing.

    What chances for a faceless Joker and a lightless Moon.

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  • Survivor’s guilt for everything.

    Every gain is someone else’s fall I don’t ignore it but

    What am I to do?

    I’m not trying to beat out or force down or take advantage of

    But every day it’s like this…

    How was I ever going to come up with solutions for this

    Kept thinking I had ideas

    Not answers

    I knew immediately that I couldn’t pick sides if I wanted to encapsulate

    But then I lost me in the generalisation of the existence

    I am not an exemplary embodiment of anything.

    Except misery I can’t escape.

    There’s no one else here

    It’s been months since I felt like I connected

    I feel so alone

    And I’m broken in so many ways I don’t know why I’m still fighting

    Just cuts and bruises I’m still here

    Every day I’m still here.

    I don’t know what for I can barely breathe through the pain

    I’m all alone here.

    I said I had enough of all alone in the second month of the year it

    Never changed anything.

    I don’t know why I’m here.

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