Elucidating Questions

The memory clear as crystal

Of standing on the wrong side and feeling cut off

Watching him move for the last time

I wanted to know if he was okay.

He wasn’t but I don’t know and will never know why.

Closing away into the darkness of the rest of the night

The first and last sight.

Only later on did I stick other feelings to it.

I don’t want to do that.

Recovering the memories whole is more important that taking the pain out on them.

Even when it hurts to go over it at least I can remember

I don’t have to wonder

Wonder what I did or what happened.

It plays like a silent film in my mind.

Tarnished memories like silver touched by the wrong one

Restoration means only the loss of pain and pride thrown on top

This could be better

But not if I can’t go back and feel safe in my own past where things happened

I have to keep what I have as clear as possible.

Never put any dirt over them even if it hurts or even if it makes me want to cry

I have to keep what I have.

They all lived just fine without me when I wasn’t here

That’s where I go to often.

When I’m questioning everything I realize how easily I’m phased out like an old model they’re not interested in anymore.

It’s so easy to be lonely when no one is here, it’s all through a box.

It’s so easy to make the box my friend

And wait for someone to come around in the meantime

But the meantime is so mean it pulls me down into nothing.

I want it to turn around, but I can’t just write the lines in real life it turns into some fantasy novel that I’ve never experienced.

I wanted it to go well from day one,

Like some easy meeting where it’s awkward then it’s fine.

Something like that.

How do you keep a positive outlook and say things like

It’ll be okay

Or

It’ll get better

When it just gets better from the worst and the alternative is nothing.

I’m either down there or I’m in this feelingless nothing desperately trying not to get tipped in.

Why can’t I swim the waters of my own mind?

I miss him.

Inconsistent perceptions of nothing

Only something in the dream.

The words I could say don’t seem to matter so I lock them away.

They surface occasionally

The want the need the I love yous

How could I bring you to my door

I find myself wondering

Before I cut my own wings and shut myself off.

If I hear it in reality it breaks me too quickly.

Never.

Never never never never.

Ending on a note that I don’t like in a place I didn’t start

The words creating a whirlpool of feelings I never asked for.

To look at it from afar

Spitting out this and that and

You’re so beautiful I love you

But that’s the same the same as millions more I don’t know why I thought I was different

Who knows.

I can’t be.

Never never never.

It’s on repeat, like there’s no escape from the dip in the centre that throws you out on to the cement on the other side.

Starting on a low note

Ending farther beneath.

Starting on a high note,

I’ll push myself off the platform.

Get the fuck down and shut up.

He’s not listening.

Five million reasons I shouldn’t love you

But one that I can’t stop.

Millions more, millions more for why I love you.

Watching the ticking clock

As the hours go by without you,

Filled with absolutely nothing

But filled with seldom moments that I remember for no reason

But they’re not with you, they’re never with you.

I wish you were here

But you’re over there

In somewhere.

I sing you a tune but

It doesn’t reach and I find myself in a lot of trouble.

New possibilities on the hillside but without you it’s like

I’m still lost at sea and watching the world pass by me I can’t get out I’m not hiding

But I am hiding.

They wouldn’t know me if they looked me in the eye.

The undefined shadow of a light

Through a tree

Through the clouds

No sun to filter through leaves.

The ground isn’t wet, but I heard the rain falling

Hundreds of drops outside the window while I curled up in blankets

Imagined the rain

It sung me to sleep.

The wasps are stinging because they’re hungry.

And they don’t know.

Just like no one else does.

Some get the feeling

But it’s sometimes nothing

Or something unseen.

Like how the sun is muffled,

How the clouds give safety from the direct light,

But you still miss it.

The sun.

Apollo the sun who I cannot see.

I hope you’re relaxed and relaxing and that not seeing anything makes it better for you because I just feel better

When I can follow you and I don’t know why but that’s where I got

I suppose I went so far to one side

The grass is still starving, silent and brittle beneath me

Some of the trees have begun to notice the decline

So early,

But I noticed it too.

The way the colours faded slightly

The lighting changed.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong conversation.

Others I think there’s no way that he doesn’t know.

Sometimes I forget all the knowledge I have isn’t testable.

The light breeze coming through the trees and the light breaking through

As more collect above

Three or four solid days

But due to the taking away

Broken into pieces and time slots.

I still sing for it

The rain.

She sprayed perfume over the smell of her smokes

I hated that smell

Like every night I didn’t sleep as they partied down below and laughed at me

As I cried in the middle of the night.

To a new quieter place

Yet as the end ticks closer

They begin partying into the night

The strange round

The odd circle

The not quite a circle as we all drift out like wripples in a pond

Are we suspended or floating?

Is it premonition or postmonition?

The app crashes in editing.

The want to run to the night as soon as tired eyes open.

The line I always try to hide from

The path I keep trying to deviate.

As the days continue to bleed into one another and the societal day to day

Slips into some subhuman existence.

Monday

When Monday was months ago.

The week than never ends.

What day is it now? Is it though?

How many matches does it take to light fire to the ice

Where are you going

Why

Plans for the future to make it all better

Without any plans for how to make it all better

Brittle breaking bones and worn weary muscles.

Don’t know where to go or how to get there.

There was a moment I thought I could make it go away.

But the moon shone down and I knew in the light that it wouldn’t.

Just another day on the same path to ruin.

Standing just to the side and watching them.

Wanting to say

Go and come back safe

But there’s a cliff they’re all headed for

Pushed by bulldozers and oil spilling and slicking the track.

Not moving doesn’t help.

There is no machine.

Just billions walking towards a similar end.

Consuming as they go.

They don’t see the road.

They’re all looking at their phones.