Elucidating Questions

A far off conversation between four

One in the centre like a protective ring

Triangle

This doesn’t matter how you draw it they are connected.

From here it could be the pyramid, it is the point.

They sparkle in the distance

They shine in the dark.

I wonder what the aim is, the patterns in the black.

Ancient storytelling

Pencilless art.

Can you write a symphony in the sky

See the notes the planets aligned

The Scorpion their third.

How many songs

Are in the patterns of the stars

Could they be written in the sky

Without a sound or a word.

Pauses in the space between

Or merely the screen.

Are there letters written and dreams told?

How many invisible lines does the sky hold

And why does it transfer to rock?

Following the stone of the sunset,

The lines of the three remaining.

Love ran away.

Told twice that it’s time to sleep.

It listens for no reason.

I wonder what it hears.

The memory clear as crystal

Of standing on the wrong side and feeling cut off

Watching him move for the last time

I wanted to know if he was okay.

He wasn’t but I don’t know and will never know why.

Closing away into the darkness of the rest of the night

The first and last sight.

Only later on did I stick other feelings to it.

I don’t want to do that.

Recovering the memories whole is more important that taking the pain out on them.

Even when it hurts to go over it at least I can remember

I don’t have to wonder

Wonder what I did or what happened.

It plays like a silent film in my mind.

Tarnished memories like silver touched by the wrong one

Restoration means only the loss of pain and pride thrown on top

This could be better

But not if I can’t go back and feel safe in my own past where things happened

I have to keep what I have as clear as possible.

Never put any dirt over them even if it hurts or even if it makes me want to cry

I have to keep what I have.

They all lived just fine without me when I wasn’t here

That’s where I go to often.

When I’m questioning everything I realize how easily I’m phased out like an old model they’re not interested in anymore.

It’s so easy to be lonely when no one is here, it’s all through a box.

It’s so easy to make the box my friend

And wait for someone to come around in the meantime

But the meantime is so mean it pulls me down into nothing.

I want it to turn around, but I can’t just write the lines in real life it turns into some fantasy novel that I’ve never experienced.

I wanted it to go well from day one,

Like some easy meeting where it’s awkward then it’s fine.

Something like that.

How do you keep a positive outlook and say things like

It’ll be okay

Or

It’ll get better

When it just gets better from the worst and the alternative is nothing.

I’m either down there or I’m in this feelingless nothing desperately trying not to get tipped in.

Why can’t I swim the waters of my own mind?

I miss him.

Inconsistent perceptions of nothing

Only something in the dream.

The words I could say don’t seem to matter so I lock them away.

They surface occasionally

The want the need the I love yous

How could I bring you to my door

I find myself wondering

Before I cut my own wings and shut myself off.

If I hear it in reality it breaks me too quickly.

Never.

Never never never never.

Ending on a note that I don’t like in a place I didn’t start

The words creating a whirlpool of feelings I never asked for.

To look at it from afar

Spitting out this and that and

You’re so beautiful I love you

But that’s the same the same as millions more I don’t know why I thought I was different

Who knows.

I can’t be.

Never never never.

It’s on repeat, like there’s no escape from the dip in the centre that throws you out on to the cement on the other side.

Starting on a low note

Ending farther beneath.

Starting on a high note,

I’ll push myself off the platform.

Get the fuck down and shut up.

He’s not listening.

Five million reasons I shouldn’t love you

But one that I can’t stop.

Millions more, millions more for why I love you.

Watching the ticking clock

As the hours go by without you,

Filled with absolutely nothing

But filled with seldom moments that I remember for no reason

But they’re not with you, they’re never with you.

I wish you were here

But you’re over there

In somewhere.

I sing you a tune but

It doesn’t reach and I find myself in a lot of trouble.

New possibilities on the hillside but without you it’s like

I’m still lost at sea and watching the world pass by me I can’t get out I’m not hiding

But I am hiding.

They wouldn’t know me if they looked me in the eye.

The undefined shadow of a light

Through a tree

Through the clouds

No sun to filter through leaves.

The ground isn’t wet, but I heard the rain falling

Hundreds of drops outside the window while I curled up in blankets

Imagined the rain

It sung me to sleep.

The wasps are stinging because they’re hungry.

And they don’t know.

Just like no one else does.

Some get the feeling

But it’s sometimes nothing

Or something unseen.

Like how the sun is muffled,

How the clouds give safety from the direct light,

But you still miss it.

The sun.

Apollo the sun who I cannot see.

I hope you’re relaxed and relaxing and that not seeing anything makes it better for you because I just feel better

When I can follow you and I don’t know why but that’s where I got

I suppose I went so far to one side

The grass is still starving, silent and brittle beneath me

Some of the trees have begun to notice the decline

So early,

But I noticed it too.

The way the colours faded slightly

The lighting changed.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in the wrong conversation.

Others I think there’s no way that he doesn’t know.

Sometimes I forget all the knowledge I have isn’t testable.

The light breeze coming through the trees and the light breaking through

As more collect above

Three or four solid days

But due to the taking away

Broken into pieces and time slots.

I still sing for it

The rain.