Elucidating Questions

Next to the slowest moving highway.

Exclamations and panic here and there.

If I had someone to see I’d be seeing them.

I’d beg and borrow and steal.

Look I’m doing it right now.

Living up to my own expectations.

After all I wanted this right? This is what I was aiming for.

The skin under the burn is too light.

Judging my every move.

I don’t know who that is or what they want or what the noise ment.

I’m scared of everything.

So I’ll just hide away.

Is that who I am underneath?

But I don’t like it either.

I look in the mirror and I hate it.

That whatever it is staring back.

I don’t want to be suddenly awaking in different places

Suddenly I was in England in 2009 and I don’t know why.

If I look back I just wonder if I’m going right at all.

Can I go back and ask myself why I wanted the path I’m on

Can I go back and tell myself that he’s not here if I change it.

If he’s the summer,

Can summer be over?

I want it to be winter.

I didn’t try hard enough.

Walking smack into a wall of silence.

I did it to myself why can’t I just undo it no one ever said he knows.

Didn’t try hard enough to get past the wall.

Not good enough.

Didn’t try hard enough to be good.

Wasn’t ever going to be right that was part of the joke.

I forgot my life is a joke. I forgot and believed for a second twisted second that I could be anything else other than a punchline.

I didn’t write sweet words I wrote something not worth seeing. I can’t do it right because I’m nothing more than a failure who didn’t try hard enough.

To my past self a sneer and a scoff

Are you fucking kidding me?

You thought that would work?

Fucking idiot.

Stupid fucking idiot.

You forgot to look in the mirror before deciding you were right for him.

I think of you and the way you fidget nervously.

I think of how you can’t stay still long enough to say an entire line in the mic.

I think you look good when your hair is pulled back and you’re looking thoughtful.

I’m fucking stupid.

Disgusting sappy bullshit no one fucking wants.

I don’t look at this like aw how sweet I must be in love

I fucking hate it.

I love you.

Wow I’m such a fucking suck up little bitch.

I miss your face and then I see it and I feel fine for a second

God fucking damn it I hate myself look at this I should be shot. I should not be allowed to feel this way.

Take me to prison or put me out of my misery I write frilly disgusting prose and then look at it and hate myself more.

You think that’ll make him like you?

Wow. What a stupid little bitch you are.

Why would anyone like me.

I want to be right.

I want to be good enough.

But bringing myself never made anyone smile.

I want to sketch stupid hearts and write sappy love notes.

No one wants them. No one likes them. No one acknowledges them.

Nothing.

It never mattered what I said or did I can’t even say I tried I have nothing to show for any of it.

Repetition repetition.

Try something new you sound like a fucking broken guitar with only two strings.

No I don’t want to follow my heart, it never worked.

He hates me.

My daily nightmare that the only person who ever mattered

He hates me.

I wanted him to love me or at least know me or something I wanted to love him and show him he’s worth it and every day with him is special and worth it.

On the outside.

Inside I’m choking on my own chest trying to hold it back because I’m so easy to push past and ignore.

They always ignore.

I’m worth ignoring.

Ignoring doesn’t take effort.

I wish I was being erased.

I wish I could find an eraser for myself.

One error that could be forgiven if it just had never happened.

Why should I ever see myself in a different light when no one sees me regardless

I hate me.

Maybe that’s why he hates me.

I deserve it.

I always get what I deserve.

That’s a lie.

But I must deserve it.

Kind understanding person looks at me and sees nothing.

I’m nothing.

Always a zero.

Always a zero.

Whispering good morning to no one.

Setting up a routine for the sake of it.

Quiet hide away on the hill.

Travelling down the mountain to go and find more knowledge when the mind is full and can’t afford attention.

Can’t pay attention.

They only said it at least five times.

Can’t I speak any quieter.

Insisting the knowing doesn’t change who has been known.

I can’t fit the part.

So I’m just a side character. I don’t get a story.

No one writes about me because I’m not interesting enough to exist.

Tried to play protagonist in my own life.

I don’t deserve it.

I thought everyone did.

Empty hollow meaningless wasted game.

Played and ended.

Victory tastes like blood.

I don’t want to live through this anymore.

I never wanted to last this long.

I never had a plan. I just do.

Drugs misery and blood.

I win.

I’ll stop playing the mermaid if you stop with the glass slippers.

I still don’t know why he said that he insists that it made sense

I insist that he was being an ass.

Or just being pointy for no reason.

He’s the thorns.

I think I was supposed to be the petals.

So much going on in my mind if I could just simplify it and have it have meaning.

Still whining about how much I love you on the internet while pretending every day is completely normal but it isn’t.

Underneath the surface.

The stem, or the roots, or the seed, I don’t know.

Some daily life I would give up in a heartbeat.

I wish I was on land only until I’m there and then I think the water was kinder

I don’t want to drown without you.

Why every time things like “creating memories” are jabs or jokes at my expense.

It’s been a year now, since the memory went out the window.

I don’t remember anything between now and then bang and then the muddled mess of story telling and just taking it too fucking far.

Hi let’s play video games together.

It never would have been so easy.

So easily side tracked I keep looking at the trainwreck the slow and steady run to failure

Epic failure, it goes on and on.

Even the recent screaming past doesn’t quite have pictures just feelings.

Just feelings that I can’t afford to think of for if I do

I’ll just sink.

No matter what I give,

The day to day is the same I just have my own hideaway.

Not that I ever needed to hide no one was ever looking for me.

That’s all anyone ever had to say,

Regardless of whether then or today I think I was trying to assure you it would be okay I think that’s not how anyone would read it

I don’t know why my emotions don’t translate.

Does every word get lost in the web?

I don’t understand what my ulterior motive could be, I thought through many and tried to chase them away

Because I keep being paranoid of my own intentions everyone always tells me why I do things and it never matches up I just wish

Someone knew me and could see I don’t mean any harm or understand why I cause it.

Slipped on the wrong wavelength

I’m so tired.

How do I let go of nothing?

I ask myself then go back to digging the hole.

At the bottom of the sea.

If I’m not on a mountain,

Nothing.

Every time I’ve tried to let go I’ve let myself down by finding myself right back at his imaginary door again.

Who cares where my thoughts have been I try to keep them to myself but it feels like I missed something

And these days will be gone soon I won’t remember them so I may as well leave behind

Whatever this is.

My own mind thinks my life is not worth recording and instead dumps me into freezing waters of memories in an undercurrent I didn’t ask for

This twisted broken fantasy that could have been so much better if I hadn’t been cast.