Elucidating Questions

I’ll stop playing the mermaid if you stop with the glass slippers.

I still don’t know why he said that he insists that it made sense

I insist that he was being an ass.

Or just being pointy for no reason.

He’s the thorns.

I think I was supposed to be the petals.

So much going on in my mind if I could just simplify it and have it have meaning.

Still whining about how much I love you on the internet while pretending every day is completely normal but it isn’t.

Underneath the surface.

The stem, or the roots, or the seed, I don’t know.

Some daily life I would give up in a heartbeat.

I wish I was on land only until I’m there and then I think the water was kinder

I don’t want to drown without you.

Why every time things like “creating memories” are jabs or jokes at my expense.

It’s been a year now, since the memory went out the window.

I don’t remember anything between now and then bang and then the muddled mess of story telling and just taking it too fucking far.

Hi let’s play video games together.

It never would have been so easy.

So easily side tracked I keep looking at the trainwreck the slow and steady run to failure

Epic failure, it goes on and on.

Even the recent screaming past doesn’t quite have pictures just feelings.

Just feelings that I can’t afford to think of for if I do

I’ll just sink.

No matter what I give,

The day to day is the same I just have my own hideaway.

Not that I ever needed to hide no one was ever looking for me.

That’s all anyone ever had to say,

Regardless of whether then or today I think I was trying to assure you it would be okay I think that’s not how anyone would read it

I don’t know why my emotions don’t translate.

Does every word get lost in the web?

I don’t understand what my ulterior motive could be, I thought through many and tried to chase them away

Because I keep being paranoid of my own intentions everyone always tells me why I do things and it never matches up I just wish

Someone knew me and could see I don’t mean any harm or understand why I cause it.

Slipped on the wrong wavelength

I’m so tired.

How do I let go of nothing?

I ask myself then go back to digging the hole.

At the bottom of the sea.

If I’m not on a mountain,

Nothing.

Every time I’ve tried to let go I’ve let myself down by finding myself right back at his imaginary door again.

Who cares where my thoughts have been I try to keep them to myself but it feels like I missed something

And these days will be gone soon I won’t remember them so I may as well leave behind

Whatever this is.

My own mind thinks my life is not worth recording and instead dumps me into freezing waters of memories in an undercurrent I didn’t ask for

This twisted broken fantasy that could have been so much better if I hadn’t been cast.

Writing words in birds

Y’see.

Complete nonsense if you’re not following.

I want to ask why

Because I keep telling myself there’s no way because I can’t understand but it’s not nice to ask why.

Not for things that can’t be explained.

Maybe I don’t want to understand the reasons.

Or maybe I can’t I’m just one stupid human after all.

Insists I should just keep it all quiet because who cares what everyone else thinks

Those poor people.

You know

You’re not wrong in so many ways.

How do I explain.

Or maybe I just don’t.

Ever.

You’re supposed to be sleeping, but I’m awake so I don’t know why but I always get this late.

Wish I could sleep before it’s the day.

So the nights grow longer or something but then I start wanting to see the sun again.

It’s like I can’t be settled, there’s no perfect day.

I can’t find what I’m looking for or looking away. I can’t wonder at the wonder anymore it’s just probably a strange coincidence

So many like all the time like

Maybe it just already knew who knows how it makes lists I don’t

My brain can’t sit still when it’s climbing up a hill constantly a mudslide of thoughts pouring down like molasses

But it’s on the ground.

I can handle it for a moment before I forget to breathe and the thoughts get a grip and I slip

Why am I back on a hill it was the ocean why can’t I just be where I am why is it always a mountain

Or an ocean where I’m drowning

Why can’t it be just a happy good day without something getting in the way

And no paradise with a beach or a field that goes on for miles or a sight that makes your heart melt

Or do other people just like it I don’t know anymore I think I feel too much.

I think I think too much.

Do you notice the mistakes more before or after

After all how many of these sentences make sense to most anyone at all

I wonder.

Wandering through a dark place.

I feel like I’ve been here for hours

It has been 9 minutes.

I miss you.

I know I never met you but I saw you and I’ve missed you every day since

I’ve missed you. Am I allowed to miss you am I allowed to see you

No of course not what a stupid question a stupid question I’m sorry.

I ask stupid questions.

I still miss you.

I know you can find someone better than me, I know you don’t want me because of the entire alphabet

I know I never got a chance I didn’t deserve.

I see only the veil, pulled over everything I wish I had a sharp object to cut through it like something that would reach you other than words said thousands of times a day by thousands of girls much prettier and more than me.

But what would happen? I’m not worth it, I knew that much that’s why I’m wrong. I could never be meant for you you deserve so much better than me.

I still miss you. I still know where you are but isn’t that just obviously you’re in the same general fucking direction.

The music is tearing me apart I feel like everything is my fault again I still don’t know what I did.

I wish I could tell you and have you believe me.

I love you.

What a stupid thing to say.

It hurts like I’m being cut from the inside.

I think it’s karma.

I think of you

I think of you every day

Or

I think of you constantly

Or

I think of you so much that if I wrote every time I think of you I would never stop writing I would just write endlessly.

I worry about stupid things and I wonder if you’re doing as good as you say you are and I think about you

I wish I had a word for how often you just walk into my mind

Like I closed the doors and locked the gates how did you get in here I was doing

But I don’t remember when you enter I’m consumed with just thinking of you and thinking

I’ll never get used to all the little things.

These things in my life that make me think and then jump and then desperately try to shake it off.

All that something I don’t know.

I don’t know where it comes from or why I just love you I don’t even try in fact

I try not to

And I feel shame for not trying not to.

It doesn’t matter what time of day I still love you.

Tired and weak but still even in my sleep I still love you.

Or well something like that love doesn’t die it just exists forever.

Finding memories that hurt but still loving the person in them.

It’s late.

It’s not that late.

It’s not as late as it could have been, but I feel so tired now.

Through the trees the light still shines, but I already said good night.

If you could come over I’d show you all the memories I keep hidden away,

Slowly unpacking the life I put on hold to go where I had to.

Someday I hope you’ll know how much I love you.

I think I could be happy just knowing you know

How much I love you.

As we travel the bear disappears sooner in the night.

I stand waiting impatiently for different lights.

But I will miss that anchor when he’s visiting elsewhere.

At least the boy and the assassin still play.

Can’t look at the lights have to look away because light kills light.

I’m sorry all I do is pout at you I want to say I’ll miss you but it’s harder for no reason and I love the red light.

I can see the city glowing down below.

So high up here. I still know what direction to look in.

I love the lights that tear up the lines and make everything new.

I’d say I’ve laid down my arms but my shoulders just hurt too much to carry them.

Can’t wait until the lights go out in this place and the others show up.

Even on the boarders I know this place better than there.

It really does have treasures untold I haven’t read them all.

Don’t know what I like about the one I’m waiting for he has a nice waist.

Who knows.

Please don’t say it wasn’t worth it

Because he is.

I know at least that much.

We have so much to tell but nothing to show.

In a flash I have moved so far on the tiny stone.

The moon hasn’t risen.

So many places,

It’s only one song probably.

I wish for peace on earth.

That’s a funny one.

One liners.

So tired but it’s the same shit.

Sorry.

The sky has the same stars and any stories told just end up looking foolish in the light.

Either twittling on about that,

Oh it starts fighting.

A pressure in my head just because it’s not my song.

Its uncomfortable to be there but it’s because it hurts not because I feel like it breaks me apart.

My knees are shaking.

I may just be shattered in all the wrong places. I don’t know but it’s too hard to put into words.

I need a breath.

I love you.

Good night.