Elucidating Questions

I don’t want to hear myself when I see him.

I love him.

He’s so beautiful.

I can almost hear him singing.

What did he want to say to the camera, such intense blue.

I love the blue.

I love that guitar I tried to draw one today and failed did you see?

No of course you didn’t.

Parallel for a reason no crossing over.

Won’t you come see me?

No…I’m sorry such a question I never should have asked.

I should have known you better than that.

I wish I could make sure you stay.

Worrying for no reason don’t mind me.

Vulnerability is not the strong suit of the man in the suit.

I felt the mask slip back into place, smack back on to my face as I thought things like

I’ll be the village whore

Sarcasm to myself because to be a whore people have to want you still.

Stop falling in love with everything you fucking slut.

That was probably my rationality back in the day when I was trying to come up with a way to get your attention and that one time it

I looked really stupid that night but I don’t remember why I felt that way or what day it was or what month

I suppose I could check, it’s there after all.

If I could remember everywhere I left a print I would go back and erase all of it for a second to say

I was lonely and you were all I had left at the time and I think I got desperate.

I don’t know.

I don’t understand why I did it.

I still don’t understand why.

Not sure if it matters but writing the fortunes of others was fine until I saw the break and I still am not over the horror of

I hope you get your drummer back

Because I wrote it,

But I don’t understand why.

Bits and pieces strings and shards nothing left whole and nothing left behind.

Things that stood out that at the time I knew something.

But why.

But why.

Why why why I don’t care if it’s rude or what the answer is you woke me up for this bullshit I need an answer

You don’t get to say it’s better to never or that there is no answer or that I will never know the reasons why because

That’s not an acceptable answer you fuckwit that’s why.

How did we get from him to you.

Not listening not listening not listening.

Give me the answer I seek or they come out again and we all know

All that shit happened so there has to be an explanation.

Figure it out.

I was well in my sleep and I could have stayed there forever just me had you just let me know once or something

A hint would have been nice now I shake in the window and stare up at the sky

Someday isn’t soon enough.

I need an answer.

Why?

Next to the slowest moving highway.

Exclamations and panic here and there.

If I had someone to see I’d be seeing them.

I’d beg and borrow and steal.

Look I’m doing it right now.

Living up to my own expectations.

After all I wanted this right? This is what I was aiming for.

The skin under the burn is too light.

Judging my every move.

I don’t know who that is or what they want or what the noise ment.

I’m scared of everything.

So I’ll just hide away.

Is that who I am underneath?

But I don’t like it either.

I look in the mirror and I hate it.

That whatever it is staring back.

I don’t want to be suddenly awaking in different places

Suddenly I was in England in 2009 and I don’t know why.

If I look back I just wonder if I’m going right at all.

Can I go back and ask myself why I wanted the path I’m on

Can I go back and tell myself that he’s not here if I change it.

If he’s the summer,

Can summer be over?

I want it to be winter.

I didn’t try hard enough.

Walking smack into a wall of silence.

I did it to myself why can’t I just undo it no one ever said he knows.

Didn’t try hard enough to get past the wall.

Not good enough.

Didn’t try hard enough to be good.

Wasn’t ever going to be right that was part of the joke.

I forgot my life is a joke. I forgot and believed for a second twisted second that I could be anything else other than a punchline.

I didn’t write sweet words I wrote something not worth seeing. I can’t do it right because I’m nothing more than a failure who didn’t try hard enough.

To my past self a sneer and a scoff

Are you fucking kidding me?

You thought that would work?

Fucking idiot.

Stupid fucking idiot.

You forgot to look in the mirror before deciding you were right for him.

I think of you and the way you fidget nervously.

I think of how you can’t stay still long enough to say an entire line in the mic.

I think you look good when your hair is pulled back and you’re looking thoughtful.

I’m fucking stupid.

Disgusting sappy bullshit no one fucking wants.

I don’t look at this like aw how sweet I must be in love

I fucking hate it.

I love you.

Wow I’m such a fucking suck up little bitch.

I miss your face and then I see it and I feel fine for a second

God fucking damn it I hate myself look at this I should be shot. I should not be allowed to feel this way.

Take me to prison or put me out of my misery I write frilly disgusting prose and then look at it and hate myself more.

You think that’ll make him like you?

Wow. What a stupid little bitch you are.

Why would anyone like me.

I want to be right.

I want to be good enough.

But bringing myself never made anyone smile.

I want to sketch stupid hearts and write sappy love notes.

No one wants them. No one likes them. No one acknowledges them.

Nothing.

It never mattered what I said or did I can’t even say I tried I have nothing to show for any of it.

Repetition repetition.

Try something new you sound like a fucking broken guitar with only two strings.

No I don’t want to follow my heart, it never worked.

He hates me.

My daily nightmare that the only person who ever mattered

He hates me.

I wanted him to love me or at least know me or something I wanted to love him and show him he’s worth it and every day with him is special and worth it.

On the outside.

Inside I’m choking on my own chest trying to hold it back because I’m so easy to push past and ignore.

They always ignore.

I’m worth ignoring.

Ignoring doesn’t take effort.

I wish I was being erased.

I wish I could find an eraser for myself.

One error that could be forgiven if it just had never happened.

Why should I ever see myself in a different light when no one sees me regardless

I hate me.

Maybe that’s why he hates me.

I deserve it.

I always get what I deserve.

That’s a lie.

But I must deserve it.

Kind understanding person looks at me and sees nothing.

I’m nothing.

Always a zero.

Always a zero.

Whispering good morning to no one.

Setting up a routine for the sake of it.

Quiet hide away on the hill.

Travelling down the mountain to go and find more knowledge when the mind is full and can’t afford attention.

Can’t pay attention.

They only said it at least five times.

Can’t I speak any quieter.

Insisting the knowing doesn’t change who has been known.

I can’t fit the part.

So I’m just a side character. I don’t get a story.

No one writes about me because I’m not interesting enough to exist.

Tried to play protagonist in my own life.

I don’t deserve it.

I thought everyone did.

Empty hollow meaningless wasted game.

Played and ended.

Victory tastes like blood.

I don’t want to live through this anymore.

I never wanted to last this long.

I never had a plan. I just do.

Drugs misery and blood.

I win.