Elucidating Questions

眠いニャー

I’ve been listening to Nyath for too long

The meowing is entering my Japanese

And then my headphones conne-nya

They do

It’s funny

I was just agonising over how it would feel to die

Just something that I do

Because my mind likes to remind me at random

You’re gonna die

I’m like yup, that’s terrifying let’s think about it for a bit

The prospect of me not existing

What that would feel like

Terrifying

Thanks brain

While interacting with me please remember that I am terrified of most people

I feel like every interaction is a test I’m going to fail

If I couldn’t put anything into words

I definitely thought about it

Why is the Cosmic DJ angsty tonight?

I used to think all sorts of things

But it’s just some being

Just like all the rest

A rather keen individual

If I say give me power

What is your response?

Hah

A joke and then the punch

Oh Outlaw Star I forgot you earlier

You poor baby

This song has been with me

Since then

Just love, just dreams, just you

And the meaning opened up to me

Every time it came back around I understood more

Yes

Power indeed

I forget that

That knowing Japanese gives me a type of power

Knowing any language does

Opens up a world to you, one you would never interact with otherwise

The intricacies of language and culture intertwined

It is a precious thing

I forget that

That my stubbornly playing Japanese games and looking up the kanji is just me studying more

Omg we’re back to the angst

DJ, baby, who hurt you?

Who, you?

Ugh

Hope to die indeed

As if

Uno reverse

I’m living for absolutely no reason

But it’s working

I think

何と無くニャー

No, it feels silly coming from me

He’ll purr for you though

Someone has to know the magic words to calm him

Ah well

It felt like time was running out 7 years ago

Now it feels like it could go on forever

If not for my mind reminding me several times on the daily

Memento Mori

Thanks Pharos

Sometimes I think the best day of my life already happened

So it’s already over

It’s over, right?

Don’t listen to it

How it yearns

Fool

Ever your fool

You’re the one that drew the card

Right?

Yes it seems to find me

Am I?

Aren’t I?

The music is failing me

Can’t let it go

You don’t understand what control this is taking

Of course

Not that it would matter, but I have to keep myself kept

It was such a profound break that I can’t touch the remains

But how could I ever hate them?

Saw a meme today where someone rejected hated the people who found love without him

That couldn’t be me

It would never be me

だって愛してるモン

It felt like it was being suggested to me

This point of view

And I rejected it

Rejected that thought pattern

Woe as I may be

Crushed

The goal was not my happiness

I feel words on my lips

How they’d pour if I let them

Happiness is something I’d rather see on every face before my own

So a dream will never be realised

I can’t give it anymore one more chances

I would give it though

In exchange for nothing

To everyone

Those themes from anime in the 90s

Some of them are better than the original

The Pokemon theme song for sure

Songs are so much nicer without casual sexual harassment, yeah?

The English one is better

Heck even the tune is more catchy

90s anime tended to have very bland, tasteful, sweet, no grit songs

Obviously there were outliers

Looking at you Cowboy Bebop

But even the more adult aimed ones were pretty tame

The first line of the theme in Japanese is

For instance, from within fire, within the water, within the grass, from within the forest

The first line in English is

I want to be the best, like no one ever was

Sort of sets the tone for the song

Props, however, to Satoshi’s voice actor

Because holy fuck can her mouth produce words at an alarming speed

The Digimon themes are hard because the English one is a freaking bop

But the Japanese one

All the adjectives I used above

But still really good

The thing is they’re all still really good

Maybe it’s because they’re precious memories

Man, singing in Chinese and writing in English is hard

But I have sing this one

Because she had such passion

And then cancer killed her

Fuck cancer

Anyways

Different theme songs

Other things I found the original and preferred it though

And I still cannot handle English dubs

Just can’t

There’s something resembling Uncanny Valley about it

I’m sure there are Japanese people feel the same about Japanese dubs

It’s like it’s all sarcastic

I don’t know

It would take an essay to describe

I need to disappear into history for a while

I thought it would be scary

But, yeah, that’s what I found

Did you leave it there for me?

Did I?

Love

Like all the bad memories wrapped around them never existed

Just the love of the things I was watching left

I know I was never the type to keep track of the terrible things people did to me

But I was expecting the pain to be wrapped up in the memories

I feel bad for that little kid who cried when they missed an episode and their parents said “you can watch it later”

So some 20 years later here we are

Here’s later kid

I can feel them stitching the story together inside me

Oh so that’s how it’s supposed to go

Enjoying the new with the old

Things I never got to do growing up

This time of year I tend to reject the dark

Even though it’s just about the perfect mix of night and day

Because I know it’s going to get worse

Pulling when seasons change?

Rather being bulldozed

The weather, finicky, and confused

Won’t pick a setting long enough to let me get used to it

It would be in my best interest to just keep fighting

But this is the season when I want to lay down and rest

One step forward

Firmly

With purpose

But I’m no closer to where I want to be

My tamagotchi said to her partner

Stop waiting for your soulmate and get married to me!

And I thought I’d take that

If it was offered

Instead nothing is

I’ve scraped together what I have

Clawed it to me

But it’s all things

I have no actual support system

No one is really trying to help me escape my solitude

I know I’m not alone

In that you’re with me

Like you’re with all living things

But from my position

Tiny

Unprotected

With you running ahead laughing

Knowing all, yet nothing

Everything that could be

Thus knowing but not

You can’t say which of those many possibilities is the real one

Sometimes you fake like you do

It’s worked in your favour before

But you can only be wrong so many times before it becomes obvious

You’re running

But you’re as lost as I am

This cosmic ride we’re on

You’re the leader

But you have no idea where we’re going

And you watch it solemnly

And then the laughter comes

Like you just got some joke the Universe was telling

And then zoom

Off you go again

Never within my reach

Always beside me

Always beside all of us

It takes you to heal

But it also took you to make the wounds

As sour as you are sweet

As spicy as you are bitter

I never know whether the saltines is you or my tears peering into you

Every flavour imaginable and yet

There are moments you are like swallowing the worst meal ever prepared

Taking you

Walking in you

Away from the memories

Away from what slips so silkily from our fingers

As you pass us by

And, no, I don’t feel older

Just a weary traveller

Age stopped mattering so long ago

There is only me here

I don’t really care about arbitrary things like how many times I went around the Sun

Isn’t it a shame he’ll never know my honest feelings?

So much gathered all around it

Changing its shape

But beyond the hurt of silence

There was still someone who genuinely wished for nothing but

Well, I guess this

This is what he wanted

That you’re there

And I’m here

Don’t forget it

I won’t forget it

Ever

Something about my default mode was uttered

I’m not trying to be nice

Am I?

Second guesses

And doubt

I can smell the ocean

Speaking of Ocean

The continuation?

It’s just that I have a hard time grasping that I’m a good person

So many people have said otherwise

I just don’t want anyone else to go through any of the pain I have

Or any I don’t know of yet

If I could keep every being pain free

Naïve of it

Maybe thinking it doesn’t even exist

Innocent

The depths of pain I’ve experienced

Physically, emotionally

I wish they would die with me

That it would absolve every other being of having to feel it

Something measurable

My ineffectiveness

Ineffectuality

Dancing in the dark

Looking at you

A sign of the beginning, the middle, the end

Glaring lights

No one would ever believe your sense of humour

Ah well

Somewhere there’s a you

In some form

Perhaps that somewhere is everywhere and no where at once

I’m a magical being without magic

I’d give it to the world

It’s overflowing

I may as well pour it somewhere

The intended recipient is in a different place

So far from what I thought

Yet exactly how it was supposed to go

Bitterly

Painfully

Was it any different than he wanted it?

What love song is he singing?

You can tell me I don’t know what I’m missing but I can agonize about what I’m missing even not knowing what it is

Why did you have to break the world?

Why?

It would have been fine if you’d lived

If you’d lived

Wouldn’t it?

And the rain is pouring but I can see the Sun

The clouds are thick but he’s broken through

Speaking of breaking through

I thought I’d banished it

Yet here it comes

Comes creeping in

見たいなー

元気か確認したいなー

くだらない

Like he broke the sky

Cracks of blue

Betraying that there is a sky above the grey

Don’t go away

I say over the trees

Because he’s going behind them

I’m not prepared for Winter

I can see you’re round with my own eyes

Fire burned into my retinas

A transformation up above

If I silence it long enough

Will it stop struggling?

Desperate for it not to be the end when it was from the starting gun

Did you come out brilliantly for that moment alone?

Can I tell you this love that won’t just go away?

I hope it’s not for centuries

I would erase it from my mind

It would have been better if I never loved him

If such a feeling had never bloomed

I don’t know why I thought going from one impossible to another was the answer

A million reasons why

But no reason why

I’m not even singing it and I’m singing it

I want to warm them

The feelings

Tell them they mattered

But you can’t lie to them

They know

切なくて悲しい

Nothing did happen

That’s the point

Isn’t it unfortunate

His songs make me feel empty

His songs make me feel lost

Name change paperwork submitted

14 weeks

That works out to exactly the new year

Funny things that just so happen to work that way

New year, finally me

I’m excited, in an impatient,

Can’t wait that long, kind of way

All this I’m doing on my own

No celebrations with friends

No real acknowledgment beside this

The rain makes me sleepy

But I gave myself too much time to do this errand so I’m sitting, waiting

I have so much to do

In a good way

Entertained

With more waiting for later

It’s a different world right now

Only because I can get by

It feels really fake sometimes

Like I’m watching the amount in my account go down

I know it comes to an end

Am I allowed to enjoy this reprieve?

Knowing this is temporary?

I’ve accomplished a lot in the past few weeks

I’ve been busy as hell

I need a few weeks to rest

Just have to get through today and tomorrow and then I can rest for a few days

I haven’t been sleeping

7 hours of sleep is as good as 2 hours of sleep was as a teen

Just wish I could have a say in what my mind forgets today

On the bus back we picked up someone who had been working for handydart who now needed it

The driver knew her and was chatting about her diagnosis and usage of the services

She said she wasn’t using the bus for anything but appointments because she felt guilty

I kind of interrupted

Told her she may be still at the point where she’s not ready to be “disabled” but regardless she is a valid, disabled, person, who needs the bus services

Told her not to get in her own way in terms of accessing things she needs

Told her not to cut off her access to socialisation when she needs it most

She said thank you

The bus driver told me I was good at putting things into words

I’m confused

Because I’m used to hearing I don’t do that

Used to hearing how bad I am at communication

She said I was an amazing person

I just saw someone who was going through the same things I was when I was first diagnosed

It took me until the second diagnosis to take myself seriously

Every time I see someone who’s diagnosis is new

I just want to scream そこまで行くな

Don’t go as far as me

Don’t push yourself until it’s worse and you don’t get a choice of pushing it anymore

Access the help you need

Don’t deny it because it hurts

And I know it hurts

Chopin

Historical man I randomly love

He is a good composer for I know it hurts

Beautiful

Moody

If it sounds like five people are playing the piano it’s Chopin

I always thought that was so funny

I don’t know if it’s allowed

It probably doesn’t matter

If I can reach out some warmth

I shouldn’t

But I just want him to be well

It’s not like I can just stop worrying

My heart screaming in its wraps

To the world I suppose

I do wish a better tomorrow for every being on Earth

Wish I could protect them all

Billions of children who think they’re adults

And billions of children

Who probably also think they’re adults they’re just not

Big yet

Whatever

Do the clouds reflect it?

Something fell as rain

Rain is an invention of Earth

Very interesting

Did the rain precede the life?

How long has rain fallen?

Sitting and watching the rain must be as ancient a tradition as there is for landers

I before E except after C except ANCIENT

Sorry

Fuck English!

No, seriously, sorry, I’m composed

Longer than words

What small animal watched the rain?

Did the dinosaurs?

People say listen to your heart

People say don’t

If I’m so amazing

Why am I alone?

It’s always the day after an event that I hurt the most from my injuries

Like the first day they sat planning to go all out

My hands don’t hurt as much

The drugs don’t touch that body ache I get

Unfortunate

It’s raining

The weather has been doing this strange thing where it’s a Summer day, then followed by a rainy Fall day

Summer is tiring

Later than I would have liked

It’s so weird to be okay

And, you know, I’m not really okay

I’m just content with purgatory

I desperately need a companion

None have presented themselves

Content with misery

Like misery was around so long I became numb to it

At least I have things to do

Right?

And every day ticks over

And I acknowledge its end

Knowing that’s another day I didn’t know you

Didn’t see you

And then I get hung up on who You is

I don’t know

And the fact that I may never know eats at me daily

That the Universe is saving it for the last day of my life so I never get to actually know the You

Some big gotcha moment

And now you’re dead

It’s a fear for me

It’s a great fear

So many times in my life I’ve been the butt of some cosmic joke

I wish I wasn’t

It’s so scary