Elucidating Questions

I was so cold and missing the sun then the clouds parted and I saw him like the moon

Not the least bit cold I told him and he said I was a liar

Such warmth to be felt when he’s out of sight

The fight between the need and the want

You know I only miss you when I can’t see you

That’s how it works.

So long ago I wished for something impossible but the little things get me

Like his it was so easy

As the ravens crowed in time with the song

I refused to sing and the missing that led to an immediate response

If at the very least I can tell they love me

Such well timed moments that couldn’t be shouldn’t be

Affected by the gravity I think maybe

This sickness we’re fighting is different than it was and I can’t quite put my finger on it but they’re on our side

Whatever that side is.

The warmth he put in me makes the cold more clear, but I’m holding it tight in my core.

My beautiful sun my wonderful light

Well I can’t own you, but when you’re dealing with a wild animal and her favourite.

Saturn’s rising

Did I have to check?

No but I did.

I don’t feel up to it, but I do it anyway.

The beginning of not one free day.

Now he’s burning up the clouds.

Maybe if you picked nicer words.

It was a joke. Obviously. So antireality that it was obviously a joke he’s never missed a mark I was joking.

Why do you say the opposite of what you mean.

It’s not my fault the antithesis to my thesis is the truth.

More like self pity than anything.

Well in fact that’s the part I always play on but I don’t have any for me except in retrospect like

You poor idiot

We’ve only been following him this entire time

Did you hear us whining about it too though because we didn’t say anything

Impatient

Impractically replying to our thoughts in other places

That thing did happen

While we were waiting for him to show.

So far away

Do you think he’ll come back again?

Our heart hasn’t given up but our minds and our body had given up don’t correct it

It’s just how it is

I can spill my heart bit by bit but it doesn’t change the daily reality continuing

Like a second life

He says things you want me to hear sometimes

Stop being such a crazy bitch

I’m not too crazy I’m just not too sane. Or I’m so crazy I came right back around to sane again

Like I walked the earth.

Try to stay away from him

I know it hurts but you never say it right it’s always like

I made the connection but I’m not going to say it to him.

I don’t have the right unless it’s slipping in with the chorus who all says the same thing

Just don’t talk to him like he’s a human being he has to be higher just like the rest

More important and above

I know hierarchy was never your style but if they want it then who am I to come up

Who am I

No one and nothing.

Thus and so.

No answers for your words that can’t happen.

They’ll never take hold.

Awakening empty

Already sitting up and the moment when the eyes open and there’s no light

Like the eyes can’t see I’m blind.

So I got used to it but I think no one else could.

So many things wrong with me that nobody could love.

So many broken pieces I had no control over that no one will love.

Coming to this slow realisation

Climbing the slow rise

The elevation that goes up and then drops and then goes up higher and then drops

Why does no one love me

I ask it because I’m lonely and there’s no one here

I never used to cry. I was the one they wanted to break most breaking her is nothing

She breaks on her own

But this sick sinking as the list comes

To answer the question that erases the question.

All good reasons.

Do they have to haunt my dreams now too?

It’s the only place we hide that lets us feel loved.

I guess there’s no such thing as perfect.

I guess I already knew that but I was hoping that this one thing could withstand the daily truth.

As the night closed in she broke into pieces and I went to sleep maybe I’m the one who gets nightmares but she had them too

We share dream memory

I still don’t know why it is

I don’t have any interest in today.

I know it’ll be the same as all the rest.

I know he’ll never love me, he decided not to.

I know he’ll never see me, he decided not to.

I know I’ll never meet anyone

I can’t go outside.

I don’t want to be lonely surrounded by people together over and over and over and over again.

I don’t know why it’s your voice I want to hear

But there it is and I feel just a bit better

Just a bit all right.

Like one second I’m on this train heading to suicidal thoughts and in sweeps and owl I feel like I got slapped upside the head.

By Alive.

I wish I could apologise for you accidentally saving me again.

See I don’t know when l drop if I’ll get back up because I keep trying

Some time I’ve got to get it right so every jarring every smack upside the head

I’ve been missing you.

いつもの用にありがとう。

Echoing in the night the fated mystic sighs and turns to the soon to be

Above just where it bends in the middle

Well now they’re in the middle and there’s probably too much going on but each whisper is something to do with my soul.

Dwelling in holes with ghosts and the darkness with loser.

Hiding in memories of a time gone past in romantic ideas that made me think

Wouldn’t it be nice if this could happen to me

There are so many of them why don’t I belong in any of them?

Haunted by the words of others that won’t ever be true.

If it’s all connected then I must be from outside

Because I still don’t have any connections but those I made inside and I keep not seeing this person

Whomever I’m supposed to be.

Maybe I’ll find someone better in the pages but I’m afraid to love things as I get more and more alone

I can’t keep myself company with loneliness anymore I just kill hours upon hours

I wish I was living.

I don’t know when he started but I know when I started.

Please take over for me I’m so tired.

Please can you live it for me I’m so lonely.

Please can you

And at some silent point he did.

I’d say I should have noticed but I slept from then somewhere somewhen

Until the alarm went off

Don’t know why it went off but I was up and he

Someone incredibly perceptive could probably not pick up on this well practiced pas de deux.

Who’s he who’s she and which is who when and why and when we switch why and how.

He kept insisting he was the same as me but his volatility proved him wrong and I pick them out through history

Times he took control of me.

Or us.

Maybe it was his too, I don’t know.

I know that I love you and pace around trying to parse each dream hoping something comes out

He’s not the one who makes to stupider decisions

Stupid once,

Never again.

I keep banging my head. I could ask, he’s never awake at first until the lights reach wherever he goes.

I can feel him waking in a bad mood as he does

I just cry

That’s how you tell the morning but I

Can’t write a handbook for the rest of the day and anyone who saw it would run away but I don’t know why it happens

I don’t know what touched me or when or where it came from

But if there can be two stars

If there can be two stars

If the stars then form into one

When we die will we be back together

I thought I had died, I only came back because something was wrong

I remember that much but it all led in five thousand directions

Seven

Ten

Fifteen

Twenty eight.

The fog is getting thicker. I could stay and hide.

Is it fog or low cloud

Contrary and awake

What do you want why are you writing at fate again it doesn’t work and we tried tried tired.

Misheard words and then you’re fired.

You want me to answer the question?

Why? Again? For what reason.

Give me a reason I’ll give you a million.

Can the answer be

Yes

Or

Same

Or

I don’t do pretty words. When I try I stare and them and then think it would be better in a hug or a whisper or if my head was on your shoulder and I thought I want to be closer closer closer

Suddenly three stars.

Or four? I always wonder what the puppet was for.

You’re not.

You’re not.

You’re just not.

I’m

Hello beautiful

She’s

Hello love

I swear you can tell when the eyes are open the difference

The diffidence.

The fire.

The weight.

The lyre.

And the one whose voice is so broken from years of just not using it.

It’s breaking her heart in a different way

She wants to be perfect and she flinches when she sings

I wish…

I’m only doing this once

I wish she could sing again like the moon that she is shining light with her voice

I want her spirit to come back to the melodies that she chooses

I wish someone would help her realise it’s just disuse, it’ll come back.

He tried.

Good morning.

She’s stubborn like a rock but she’s filled with water how did she get so inside out

I don’t care how I meet you that’s why she’ll be the one.

But if she doesn’t feel perfect she turns away from the sun.

In the darkness she cries and counts every tear as a failure of herself as well as her own fear that it never matters

That silent falling tree.

Our birthday isn’t different it’s the same

I still don’t have a name.

She wants to keep the second and run from the first

So many reasons

My god it hurts

But the new one the one I chose doesn’t suit her

Nicknames to sooth her

Make one she likes it

She’s always calling herself names.

If it’s outward it’s me if it’s inward it’s her

It’s not a game she’s playing she keeps whispering through tears as the music pokes and pinches and pulls and

There are some hurtful things in the words and she can’t turn off the feeling

Like her job is to disprove all of it, without any reason

The game with the star she’s afraid will go out

As a hummingbird flies by

You could believe her.

But if I tell you you’ll think it’s twisted somehow.

Imagine

Imagine two spirits intertwined we don’t fit in our own body

We agree on that it feels so small like there should be a whole other section

Picture that we argue back and forth

Picture unconditional love versus unconditional I don’t know

If I don’t love him no one does.

I’d call him unconditional annoyance

Or something else but I’m the only one who’s allowed to put him through hell

Protection

Unconditional protection

I guess.

And just like that in a flash he’ll never say the good parts of him.

He’s affectionate and protective and he has a sharp edge but he loves you too.

He lies though.

White lies.

If it’ll make you smile he will twist reality.

It’s never been his strongest suit we were raised separately

Picture the swirls as we argue and the glow when we don’t and picture that sometimes he has opinions I won’t

Picture that moment a team member gets dragged out and is not ready to play

There are moments of complete confusion throughout the day when I’m gone I think I go sleep on Mercury

When he’s gone I think he hides in the darkness and pretends it’s home for a while.

Can anyone hear us

Trapped as one

Physiological self and metaphysical self.

If you think my brain did this,

Then tell me why

Because it’s never been fun or easy or helpful or anything

Counter intuitive interface and navigation

We share this body.

This body still hurts so much when the weather is like this

I love this weather.

I love you.

I don’t know when he started but I know when I started.

Please take over for me I’m so tired.

Please can you live it for me I’m so lonely.

Please can you

And at some silent point he did.

I’d say I should have noticed but I slept from then somewhere somewhen

Until the alarm went off

Don’t know why it went off but I was up and he

Someone incredibly perceptive could probably not pick up on this well practiced pas de deux.

Who’s he who’s she and which is who when and why and when we switch why and how.

He kept insisting he was the same as me but his volatility proved him wrong and I pick them out through history

Times he took control of me.

Or us.

Maybe it was his too, I don’t know.

I know that I love you and pace around trying to parse each dream hoping something comes out

He’s not the one who makes the stupider decisions

Stupid once,

Never again.

I keep banging my head. I could ask, he’s never awake at first until the lights reach wherever he goes.

I can feel him waking in a bad mood as he does

I just cry

That’s how you tell the morning but I

Can’t write a handbook for the rest of the day and anyone who saw it would run away but I don’t know why it happens

I don’t know what touched me or when or where it came from

But if there can be two stars

If there can be two stars

If the stars then form into one

When we die will we be back together

I thought I had died, I only came back because something was wrong

I remember that much but it all led in five thousand directions

Seven

Ten

Fifteen

Twenty eight.

The fog is getting thicker. I could stay and hide.

Is it fog or low cloud

Contrary and awake

What do you want why are you writing at fate again it doesn’t work and we tried tried tired.

Misheard words and then you’re fired.

You want me to answer the question?

Why? Again? For what reason.

Give me a reason I’ll give you a million.

Can the answer be

Yes

Or

Same

Or

I don’t do pretty words. When I try I stare at them and then think it would be better in a hug or a whisper or if my head was on your shoulder and I thought I want to be closer closer closer

Suddenly three stars.

Or four? I always wonder what the puppet was for.

You’re not.

You’re not.

You’re just not.

I’m

Hello beautiful

She’s

Hello love

I swear you can tell when the eyes are open the difference

The diffidence.

The fire.

The weight.

The lyre.

And the one whose voice is so broken from years of just not using it.

It’s breaking her heart in a different way

She wants to be perfect and she flinches when she sings

I wish…

I’m only doing this once

I wish she could sing again like the moon that she is shining light with her voice

I want her spirit to come back to the melodies that she chooses

I wish someone would help her realise it’s just disuse, it’ll come back.

He tried.

Good morning.

She’s stubborn like a rock but she’s filled with water how did she get so inside out

I don’t care how I meet you that’s why she’ll be the one.

But if she doesn’t feel perfect she turns away from the sun.

In the darkness she cries and counts every tear as a failure of herself as well as her own fear that it never matters

That silent falling tree.

Our birthday isn’t different it’s the same

I still don’t have a name.

She wants to keep the second and run from the first

So many reasons

My god it hurts

But the new one the one I chose doesn’t suit her

Nicknames to sooth her

Make one she likes it

She’s always calling herself names.

If it’s outward it’s me if it’s inward it’s her

It’s not a game she’s playing she keeps whispering through tears as the music pokes and pinches and pulls and

There are some hurtful things in the words and she can’t turn off the feeling

Like her job is to disprove all of it, without any reason

The game with the star she’s afraid will go out

As a hummingbird flies by

You could believe her.

But if I tell you you’ll think it’s twisted somehow.

Imagine

Imagine two spirits intertwined we don’t fit in our own body

We agree on that it feels so small like there should be a whole other section

Picture that we argue back and forth

Picture unconditional love versus unconditional I don’t know

If I don’t love him no one does.

I’d call him unconditional annoyance

Or something else but I’m the only one who’s allowed to put him through hell

Protection

Unconditional protection

I guess.

And just like that in a flash he’ll never say the good parts of him.

He’s affectionate and protective and he has a sharp edge but he loves you too.

He lies though.

White lies.

If it’ll make you smile he will twist reality.

It’s never been his strongest suit we were raised separately

Picture the swirls as we argue and the glow when we don’t and picture that sometimes he has opinions I won’t

Picture that moment a team member gets dragged out and is not ready to play

There are moments of complete confusion throughout the day when I’m gone I think I go sleep on Mercury

When he’s gone I think he hides in the darkness and pretends it’s home for a while.

Can anyone hear us

Trapped as one

Physiological self and metaphysical self.

If you think my brain did this,

Then tell me why

Because it’s never been fun or easy or helpful or anything

Counter intuitive interface and navigation

We share this body.

This body still hurts so much when the weather is like this

I love this weather.

I love you.