Elucidating Questions

Standing at the rain I’d been standing in so long a caught a chill in the breeze

I can still hear it falling I listen while I still can to the drops

Yes this is what I meant when I said rain I meant the kind that lasts for a day

Or two the kind that leaves the leaves sighing and the animals breathing too. The kind that drips and doesn’t dry in ten minutes

The kind where you’re so wet by the end of the day that you don’t see or feel it raining

You have to hear it

Falling so rhythmically

You’re so far away

My depth perception only goes so far

Do you think maybe you

Focused in the wrong direction

Just a thought I had when I was listening to something completely different and wanting to know why

I think maybe I’m talking to the wrong person.

I love you any way.

Anyway

Regardless

No matter

Unconditionally?

So over dramatic I just love you okay…

It’s not something so fantastic or beautiful as anything anyone else has ever written

It’s ripped and I tore it and there’s so many holes but it’s still love it’s just that it doesn’t believe in itself

I don’t know if I believe in it

Or it’ll just be one of those things I hear about

See played out in front of me

Sometimes I get these moments where it’s like I just get so angry at you for

The possibility of something you are almost certainly not even doing but possibly almost certainly

It’s just me worrying

Why am I worrying about you I showed you my scars before they had formed

And I think that was a terrible thing to do but I tried…

I tried to warn you I lose it completely and I don’t know who that is but it’s on the edge of my self all the times this

Crying whimpering mess who can’t see anything but darkness

I don’t remember any of it so I’d have to ask someone who saw.

Selfishly self destructive because showing people is wrong

Isn’t it?

I don’t think I owe an apology this time I have no words to give or anything

It may happen again I don’t know if I can just keep a straight face on long enough to get away from it

The scars don’t mean anything they’re just railroad tracks gone wrong

When they stop aching I’ll cover them with something.

You’re so far away and I did such a good job of making sure that every inch is counted not just in distance but space and time and

The edge I’m standing on is not a ledge but if it was I would consider it.

That’s not your fault it’s a fact of my existence.

The ground between us drops out and creates a great gash a hole a divide a

The bigger they are the smaller the hole is.

Does it create a line to be crossed or a great divide or

I found it

It’s between us.

Do you feel it?

Probably not

It’s the deepest hole on earth.

It showed up on its own in the form of a book in the form of a card with the playful bubbles by its side.

Creation for the sake of creation with fizzing over boiling all over it takes over.

A new beginning hidden in the arms of time who stares over the expanse with a sigh

Stares over the expansion with a sigh

As the rain pours down and the footprints get washed away in a quiet contemplation recuperation

Solitude in a frozen land,

Is it one or all or none.

Her whispers in the ocean.

The silent balancing act performed by everyone and everything

Things wanted things needed things unknown

With the knight at the side, who thinks he stands alone and I don’t think he does.

I love him so.

The first of my heart but the one who is forever gone

Someday somewhere somehow.

I hope.

Impatient

He says it often

Scoff, snicker, grin.

Turning away to leave I think

Jerk.

Because I know he’s right that’s why.

And gone in a flash I know he doesn’t exist in a place where I’ll ever have him in my arms or be able to feel and see and understand.

You’re only allowed because you disarm me with yourself and I know you don’t mean it like

I can’t wait

I know you mean it like

Waiting in agony watching the clock

Seeing the seconds tick by tick tick

Minutes hours days weeks

In meaningless slots of time set aside

To wait.

You don’t hear the ringing in my ears as I look up and think I want to help them

Take their pain away they’re all so sad.

I’m sorry you lost someone.

It got louder in here though not quieter.

How long until it’s so loud I can’t hear anything else?

Why?

I’d take it from you if I could

Fill the cracks of your heart with gold because the most beautiful pottery is shattered and put back together.

Woven in between the fractures filled with warmth and comfort.

Love.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

Sent in every direction I can think of

I love you

In one.

You’re there somewhere,

I hold out a hand I have to say something

I’m so sad,

But for profound reasons I cannot ever explain and I’m sorry,

I am.

I’m sorry you lost someone.

I love you.

It’s an arch but it’s a roadway,

Some lines but it’s so defined.

Away into the horizon of a simple blue line.

Seven thousand stars.

But I didn’t count the twins.

Ten thousand stars.

But I didn’t count the the triplets.

Fifteen thousand stars.

But I didn’t count what I can’t see.

A number I don’t know.

But I didn’t count the ones that are gone.

Stuttering human bonds,

Uneven footing, stepping over the ground.

The arduous bonds of human society.

The birds that walk, chained

By gravity of time and those silent rules.

These strange birds that don’t fly.

They walk.

Stuttering, they walk.

Because I can stand here and listen to what you’re singing and feel the drum beat in my heart

And feel the strings as they’re pulled and listen to your melody

But I don’t have your name yet, can you tell me.

I’d like to take you with me I love your sound I can tell you work well together,

The music all works.

I can’t bring them with me if I’m afraid to ask, but I’m always afraid to ask.

Five is a good number.

I’d like to follow them.

See sometimes these words sound like conversation and I want to reply, but who knows what and who and how.

Probably nothing.

Probably everything.

I love that words are shared without the perfect meaning understood.

Thanks for sharing.

Or something.

I don’t know what I’m doing

I said to you and you were silent.

Smoke billowing out from lungs and self derisive laughter.

Maybe I’ll sleep now,

The reply was soft but we did.

Followed into dreams and it was poignant to have someone actually

There

A partner in the endless dreams that continue every night unbidden.

Do you even know how much time has passed?

Isn’t September better than every other September.

Do you hear the songs and then feel the same as I do as I hear

Better days and

Really? When?

It hurts to think that anyone could think I’m not serious but in the reality next to me I keep doing this

And that.

Well it happened backwards or the signed exploded into a million pieces and

The sadness and anticipation of a life that will change forever

Out there somewhere is the key to my spirit.

Oh it’s still happening,

From one to one trillion trillion trillions.

It’s just something that happens unwitting.

There’s no answer there and the reverberation of crashing against a solid wall.

But our there I can go so far.

Do you see the clouds between the stars I wonder why I see them

There’s light there in shapes but I don’t see where it came from it’s deeper than the ocean.

When the screen comes down and the closest star

I don’t feel like I love them right.

If only if only

I hear them whispering at me, when I couldn’t find them they found me.

You know what the question is.

You know what the answer is.

Dangerous stuff I laughed and the ravens landed.

Shouldn’t be playing with it, he knows I’m not playing with it.

Fearsome twisting ability.

I put them down because I didn’t want to anymore.

Now I don’t care.

Six cards six cards six cards.

I still don’t know why, but at least I can have some fun before I die.