Elucidating Questions

I think I’ve been wasting my time.

But I was wasting it anyways.

I don’t think you read it.

I don’t think you could be bothered to read it.

No one else could either.

I shared it and no one came.

The words that don’t go together the mediocre flame.

Waiting for the gun shot because it was my second choice.

Trying to ignore the constant awful tune of

Tonight or soon or it’s coming or it has begun or

That same bullshit that tripped me into starting.

I don’t think it ever mattered

The words I said

I don’t think I was good enough for you from the start

You almost certainly overlooked me the same as you always do.

If you read it I don’t believe you.

I don’t believe you.

I can’t believe I’m so awful no one even knocked.

Maybe I should embrace it.

Just be awful.

Forget this fake thing that doesn’t exist and the words that never mattered and the time wasted.

Time wasted.

Time will continue to be wasted I have no life plan but to die.

Plan B.

I wonder what the B stands for.

Beside.

I don’t like being broken.

Wallowing in self pity for my design and rubbing out the tears that don’t fix the pain.

How many pills do I have to take.

Just give me a number or I could take them all.

Why do I have to face this all alone with myself every day?

I’m exhausted by the pressure of my own hate for everything.

Myself.

The pain.

The pain.

The pain.

In a room where all the memories will walk away and it wouldn’t matter anyways

If I had the option not to throw them away

It’d be hours of pain I’d remember and nothing else

Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to live in the pain constantly and never remember it because I already live it so

What would be the point of remembering pain that doesn’t go away.

These wonderful people who sing about how every day is a blessing

I used to think they were right.

But I’m on the outside I’m not welcome to life

I’m not welcome to have anyone along with me

I’m not welcome.

So why am I here? Why do I have to do this?

I don’t want to.

Wasn’t that an acceptable answer?

It was fine when anyone else said it but me.

I can’t believe this is the life I was born to live.

It’ll be funny when it’s over.

I wish it was over.

They’re always at the bottom,

Hungry, angry, waiting for something to snap at.

Raven bards and silent sobbing warriors.

Struck by thunder the sound of a bear screaming.

Wanting to pull out the shield while weighing every action infinite times before making a move.

Hours later.

When the warriors cry and the mage is force fed her poison will the static finally pull the scales in our favour or will this trapped prison crumble as time seeps in.

Chained to the defense like a Hawk.

He says it’s easier to run, but scouting out the world.

Travelling and facing it all.

Not alone.

The dark creatures and the angry giant, creeping up as the way behind becomes a quick slide.

Will the judgement be true now or later?

Worries far bigger than what should be.

It’s far to complex but on top

Is a wish held in the hand of the dreamer who stares silently into space and time,

Counting the ways to hide and the ways to continue in silence.

On my right is a tiger.

On my left is a silent wing.

I’m carrying far to much to be even.

I’m not supposed to care

Care that he never replies

I’m supposed to hide it or it’s supposed to be gone

But the silence gets to me every day.

It gets to me and I don’t know what to do with myself alone in a room.

Pacing back and forth I yell at myself and hate myself.

I try to make do with what I have, but there’s nothing here to do with.

The clock keeps ticking and even the music doesn’t change the silence of the room.

Pain tells you you’re alive.

So I’m alive.

All the reasons he’s made for why he’ll never care.

Why he can’t.

I can’t get the words right.

They say you can’t sink that ship,

But it’s gone and it’s under the waves far beneath.

It’s all such lies and I can’t hear them because I’m either the exception of the truth.

If the next song is proof.

It doesn’t matter it just eat me alive.

A love with no words and a love that’s a lie.

Can’t get the words in an order than solves any problems. Can’t find a way to make my own way in the silence.

It hurts.

I’m alive.

What a privilege.

I created a fantasy world, one where I could be free of the pain

It was mine it was only for me a secret I never gave to anyone because

I knew there was something wrong with me, to create something like that.

I was free

I had a family

I had friends

I invented someone to love me who showed up in my dreams so I had the freedom of my mind during the day

And the sensations I was missing during the night

I hid because it hurts so much

Because I was lonely

Because for some reason I got too over excited about a moment that never happened and all at once I had everything

My heart ever wanted in my mind but over time

The numbness I had replaced real life with, as I longed for it all to be real

Because the only thing I couldn’t do was feel and I didn’t have pain but I didn’t have anything except the aching longing to be with somewhere and someones

That I could see so clearly in my head and feel so closely in my dreams but they weren’t real

Yet someday I still hope to meet them in this world where nothing works out because

Well because then I’d see them again.

I told myself enough because wanting them so much wasn’t making real life any better so I surfaced and left it all behind as I tried to stay behind

Maybe I just needed a world without pain because I couldn’t handle the truth.

The truth is it hurts so much that every move hurts something.

The truth is a huge mess because I couldn’t forget him

Couldn’t ever forget him

Somehow I was so happy.

I think about starting again I’ll just make a new one pretend it’s just a thing but it actually hurts me

And I still don’t know why

But I’d like to see the world without pain again.

I wish it wasn’t someday like so far away I wish it was right now

But I learned something this awful year and it’s that they don’t come true or if they do

You regret it.

You regret it so when I say it I grab it back and hold it close and just say

I’m in so much pain.

I’m in so much pain.

I just want to stop feeling entirely I’ll go back there even if I can’t feel anything I think and then I stop because

No matter how many times I’ve tried the days keep going

When I realised it was heaven and I wanted to go back

The doors were closed

So I tried to laugh and see the bright side and thought perhaps there was someone here

Not the same.

Not the same.

The feeling wasn’t the same.

Never the same.

But with them.

How strange.

Perhaps it was all just unfortunate accidents of desperation

But it’s always them all the same.

It hurts.

Because regardless of the mess that led up to it the hideaway place I can never return to

It became hell.

But I still have this love for them so they get it.

It happened after I opened my eyes.

I tried to close them again

But they won’t shut.

In the misty night as the clouds start to fall from the sky

And the three silent pauses that hang on too long.

Wanting to know what words it hid or if it was anything worth thinking about but the night is too tiring.

Broken wings that don’t work right.

The pain I try to hide while trying to express the pain.

How many times to get back to square one again.

It doesn’t matter how long you say it or how loudly I still only see you.

I still only want you.

I still only come to the end of each day wishing I’d done it right this time.

I know it’s not you that’s stuck on repeat.

I know I’m just one of millions who love you and my being in love with you doesn’t change that it’s not original or new or different

Just one more.

This just happened to be the song that played.

I gave up on the possibility to even start at all.

With anything.

I don’t know why I do it I just can’t stop so I just happens.

I told you I stand in line and repeat the same thing they all say.

Look at the parrot.

I guess.

Incidentally I don’t have my own words.

I should be prepared, but I’m not.

I’m still going to be alone so I suppose I can have him if he’s offering.

Or have no one ever again.

Some sort of answer to know where to go from here.

Sometimes the fog is so thick even the pain feels far away.

Mostly it just hurts.

Mostly every second of ever day hurts unless I’m half asleep.

Everything is throw away in a second

If I could just see him.