Elucidating Questions

Verbal insecurity.

I can’t say these words they’ll all fall silent and hate me.

They say they’ll challenge my culture and my spirituality but it’s my own and I exist in it I can’t challenge what is already so frail.

Bitter broken anecdotes and some ancient religion exploded into the present like

I believe in them.

That’s a problem to me.

But he’s right there and he makes things happen to prove it damn it

Yes you’re there. Glowing brightly.

It’s fine because he’s laughing.

Because he knows the stick is my favourite.

Stop stop stop

He gets stuck to it but really just the stick

Just I like his stick.

What an uncomfortable question.

My connection to the earth I so desperately wish to leave

Is merely that I have the life she gave me and that is all I know

She gave me everything and I still want more

The selfish self of a person.

Standing on my mother singing to the light and joking with the joker fool liar thief

Yeah yeah yeah

Egypt is still calling.

I wonder if they have something to say.

Yes.

All of them.

In some way. Because they’re all the same person or

Two people in one heard differently?

Yes and no.

Because I know everyone has a second side

And I know trading is something

They’ve always done.

Sometimes you greet the trees.

Sometimes you whisper to the nymphs of the river

The dryads of the ancient bows.

If it’s all connected

Maybe she hears it somehow.

I’m impressed by your ability to do things when we’re losing it.

I’m impressed by how you but back together the things I destroy.

This is harder than I thought.

Do we hate each other now?

Five and then the truth so many I can’t count.

It’s easier to think of all the flaws.

You’re still smart.

Do we share it?

Maybe.

Try him.

He’s beautiful

He’s stronger than he thinks

He’s musical in all the right ways

He’s so many things I want to say but I don’t know

Kind and thoughtful and overwhelmed by everything and

Easier to do than turning it in.

Echoing back and forth.

But affirmations feel so sick and fake.

Make up some things on the spot

I got nothing.

Oh and then look.

Those dotted lines.

Nothing really.

I love him do you love him

I love someone anyways good enough because I can’t trust myself to be allowed to love someone ever again. Good enough?

A headache in the making. I don’t know if I’ll ever be allowed to answer questions.

No one asked any.

Want to try rewriting our life over again that wasn’t fun but it filled days and days.

Start at one.

Not zero.

There isn’t anything back there.

I’ve never had a muse that was a person what do I do what if I hurt him

I think thought think.

But it’s everywhere and I only like it here where I know every sound

Except that one

I don’t usually find new pieces to the pieces

I was upset but when I pressed play it felt a little better

Like I forgot I was listening.

A nice surprise.

Like replaying a game over and over.

I don’t remember what happened.

I’ve started hearing you in my head when I’m slipping

Face the

Well that thing I never get far from

It’s bad and I don’t know how to fix it

I’m telling you how hard it is to find hope in a life where I don’t exist in my own world.

At least I got to hear the words I never heard and I could believe them because I don’t think my face was the same.

There’s no way it was.

So I woke up twice and the alarm went off and went off and went off and I just don’t know what it was for

I was ready to turn back and keep living in nothing because no one here wanted me but then I thought about it.

Three crows fly but I have ravens now on the hill

I forgot the colour of your hair.

It wasn’t supposed to be about you.

Surprise.

I wish I could continue backwards

Go back to the years I could climb a tree and not feel it the next day or work without it leading to doctors and tests.

I wanted to but I don’t think I can.

The words I want to say.

Because I’m afraid he’ll hate them or think I’m trying to pull on strings.

I just wish I could love him unabashedly without this constant weight

I wish someone would see my love and believe me.

Wish wish wish.

The damn well must be so full of coins by now it can buy its own.

If I think about tomorrow then I’ll be disappointed when I’m right.

To the spinning one who wants to land it

Good luck and 頑張って

Because I want to see you

And have that moment again in real life.

If I scream it all at once and then fall silent.

Completely silent. I always end up pulling back and realising I must be a problem so I disappear.

No one really comes looking.

Sometimes one person comes looking.

Have I mentioned I hide.

I used to be the one who started things and had something to say but I don’t.

Because I’m afraid I’m just a burden so they’re gone.

Are we back to this again?

Empty threats of what if when I didn’t even do anything. I just broke what I need to stay alive and then had her fix it like always.

Missing connections and knowing the likelihood of them happening again.

This empty promise of future introductions and things that could happen.

We were stupid then. We’re smarter now.

Kid you say it’s perception but it’s perception of my life through my life so if there’s a magical light switch in this darkness if you could point it out

Shadow cats echoing in others.

Other cats.

Not surprised anymore the links appear like that.

He should have been angry at me but I was angry at him and I don’t know why that’s okay,

But it is to him.

I thought he’d yell at me, instead he just yelled about the meaning.

If you want to come with me you can.

If you’re all right with being there then that’s where you can be but there are other better places for you.

Don’t get caught up in me.

I’ve never met someone who’s place was by my side.

Why do you think it’s so easy for me to hide?

It’s not a disguise.

No one was

The rabbit crossed the road.

Who can tell?

Well they can.

No one gets to hear about Neptune because he’s mine and she’s mine and I’m not good at sharing.

If inability doesn’t crash in at the wrong right moments I don’t think anyone could tell me otherwise.

Such a motif but never do I share.

Because the waves are mine and the depth is mine and the distance and the rings and the push and the pull.

Nothing noted for no reason other than I realised that if I went to far they’d take everything away from me and the ocean is my everything.

I don’t know where I am but I know I don’t usually have nymphs at the window so the message must be important

But I’m sitting here and the water falls from the sky.

Farewell to the starry nights and it’s a fair drop.

I don’t have anyone to talk to.

I can’t say he does it for me.

Standing at the window in shadows he breaks through so I say

When you do that it makes it seem like you’re shining out for me

He shines brighter

So do I laugh along or look up at the streaming clouds he’s burning away

Thoughts of tangled limbs.

Thoughts of love and acceptance and affection.

Possible things and impossible things.

I can let my mind wander to him because at the very least I have something he can take.

I can’t let my mind wander across the strait.

This tiny land I used to call home

No I used to sit on the shore and say it felt like a cage I was always in a cage.

The likelihood of him finding me and loving me or at least liking me and thinking we’re close enough but far enough to be safe or something

The likelihood of words.

The likelihood of none of that and it being the same padded feet that wander in again.

I’ll take anything

Give me what I want is so before when I thought there was possibility.

I don’t care just send them around back I’ll meet them at the door

I don’t care who I open it to anymore

Because it’ll never be the right person.

The likelihood of that.

Impossible.

But I’ll take what I can get because I’m desperate, sad, and lonely.

So send me anything.

I’ll take it because it’s all I get.

I’m still asking him the questions I wish I could ask.

I’m still waiting for nothing.

I’m still dead last.