Elucidating Questions

Beyond every day in every way I miss you more

The stars in the sky can’t bring you to me,

And though I tried neither can I.

I’ll miss you forever, my heart forever torn

By the truth you’re not with me no matter how I try.

I’m standing alone under the starless sky,

You’re the one that I want , I want to dance with only you,

But you’ll never be close enough for me to smile

And say thank you for every time I was losing my mind

And your music came to save me

Thank you for giving me a feeling like I wasn’t alone no matter how much my spine hurt and my body felt bruised and battered.

Thank you for the moments when I felt like there was nothing left and your music brought me back around to try to get me to just stand up

Thank you for continuing because I know it exhausts you, I hope you’re enjoying yourself this time.

Please stay I need you I keep trying to find something else but you’re my reason.

If I lose you I’ll lose myself. I won’t be able to make it.

I know it’s too much,

But all I need is for you

To say you’ll stay beside me.

Even if it’s forever

With the trench between us.

I can’t find a way away from your beating heart.

You’re so far away from me here, you’re out there.

Hurt me.

I can’t keep juxtaposing what I want without you.

How many times will I tell you I love you, I need you, I want you, I see you, you’ve misplaced me, so I’m lost.

I can’t write the right words you never told, I wouldn’t dare.

What a loud debate.

They insist

They insist

They insist

Loud and in my face

Caught off guard I’m having a conversation with a shadow and I don’t know when it started.

You know the consequences.

Your last chance.

Very last chance.

Ringing ringing ringing.

Why do I know the consequences

Pointed stare

I never said I was going to pick you up.

Stuck to me like a captain on a ship.

How do you steer without a face?

The question was so loud and the answer was sure

Is sure

The stare

Of faceless eyes.

I went to the door.

I just wanted to go see how the story was going and and

I don’t know but the door was bright

Large and the cards streamed out the frame

Into the peach and pink and white swirling

If there’s midnight hour and a midnight television

There must be hours of other things

Maybe that’s why I get stuck

He’s stuck.

No

Bad

Days

Are you saying I’m not allowed or that I won’t have any

Your voice is too commanding please just be calmer

He’ll never know I’m hiding in him again.

He’ll never know what led up to it.

He’ll never know if I could I would trade what I have for him.

A spider crawls on the bag and I wonder where I brought it from.

Small friend if you stay still I’ll find you a new place

So just hold on tight for a bit

What a twist of fate.

You woke up in one place

And now you’re on the journey of a lifetime

But you don’t see anything

You’re on my arm now

I’m covered in threads,

But he reached the end of his unlikely journey.

Can you walk quietly while I think about the implications of not carrying him all day and making sure he got home.

Accidentally displacing life

I’m sorry

I’m human

Are we really better than hell?

Fate interferes

The warmth of Jupiter as I sung unwittingly towards

Almost

I don’t know what I think of it I just think it hurts.

Why should I if that’s the opposite of the direction I wanted.

He would kill my heart

He already got my spirit.

気合

No

気愛

No but

魂じゃない

I don’t know. But I lost it so that must be why no one wants me anymore

Except shadows and figments.

Invasive thoughts.

You said I was allowed to break it but then it was pretentious.

I really do think everyone can believe whatever their stupid minds want I just wish

I could be as open about the world I experience.

Not surprised to look and see the thought and the time adds up.

I only find tricks and well timed punch lines funny.

The world stopped being funny when I stopped understanding the basis of everything.

Isn’t that funny?

It doesn’t talk much these days it just stutters

I tried to give a self introduction and when I realised I was under the eyes of the entire room I couldn’t
Once upon a time I sang on stage

Once

Twice

Three times

Four if you count the elementary.

More if you count memories gone.

Once being that centre made me feel like I could fly.

It made the words come easy and the subtle movements

I’m afraid to dance.

I have only danced once and it went wrong.

But I don’t know if I’ll ever get back there.

I only know I don’t fit in anything they have held out marked on the boxes in their head.

It’s not my name on the box.

They don’t do it like I do.

They don’t have a box for every person filled with pictures and audio clips and important facts and I can’t find the slip marked birthday but I have this picture of you laughing and I don’t know where it came from.

Because I’ve never seen you laugh.

I don’t understand the boxes they hold

I don’t fit in them because every person has bits and pieces that don’t fit and

No one fits in the stereotype box it’s too small

I can’t find people scattered between all the boxes

How do you say you know me?

Scribbled on the boxes are nicknames

Some have labels

Some say warning

Some say

Never again.

If I dumped them all out I may find common strings that led me from one to another,

But I can’t take the boxes into the Hall of memories because if I open the wrong door the flood or the fire may wash and burn away what the box was supposed to be

My precious pieces of people I love.

This box says

Future.

But I don’t believe it so I turn away.

I don’t know what to believe anymore but I know what I can’t.

Everything happened just elsewhere

No one is writing my story.

Silent conversations with the one with no face.

A hum where it doesn’t belong.

The answer was easy now there’s a flood.

I don’t know what you thought the answer would be.

I still feel strangely at home at the thought.

Don’t know where he’s at but when it comes around the earth shakes

And the drums crash.

What takes control when I go I don’t wonder.

Silly reasons that make no sense.

I’m sorry you had faith the answer would be different.

You could show me.

I’d get what I want either way.

When I tried to leave he came up behind me with speed so hot I had to pause

Flew off somewhere far

The second I find the trip I get caught.

Invasive thoughts.

Why does it hurt so much to leave the thought of the only thing that ever made the world right?

Nevermind.

Going because I don’t want to be stuck here anymore

Not because I have anything against anyone.

No one knows so why think of it.

Secrets I feel guilty for.

Secrets that don’t make any sense.

I wish you three would stop pushing me in the direction of a closed door.

One is better than three.

Shattering worlds.

Everywhere is an understatement.

If you can stop expecting me to get up and keep trying with the words that never reach

He doesn’t know my name.

Irony.

One is better than three.

But both doors are closed.

So I’m in this hallway trying to get out.

Locked in this hallway trying to get out but the door I remember is gone and the doors I knock on

I guess no one’s home

That’s okay.

I panicked and started studying Greek.

I panicked and started studying Japanese.

I panicked and

Tiny bird upon a pole.

Flies away into the sky.

Is it possible to turn off cognitive reaction when the cognitive is already broken

Functions nonfunctioning

Yet there and there and there

No the past is too heavy.

Sometimes I think he smiles through other people

But then I think that would mean they’re not in control

Which would mean neither am I.

Which would mean none of us are.

The slip of the logic into the paralogic.

If then thus and in fact.

When in fact.

I think loud hurtful things and then feel guilty for thoughts.

If I can hear you you can hear me and if I can see you you can see me and what is omniscience

And what kind of thing could manage that much

Awareness at one time

Restless wakening

Even the omniscient seems to have a mere window into what it is

So how many and do they share and it’s all too complex for a mind so small.

And yet.

Three birds fly over head

The rain begins

To think about falling

Triangle clouds and

I’m so wrong I’m right again.

Oh I could have stayed on the subject but it hurt too much so I blew up.

Idle hand movements betray the thoughts underneath.

Keeping the thought in interferes

They aren’t notes they’re where the track goes as I struggle to listen.

Words that stick.

The moment my mind trips over a word or a thought and explodes.

Every time a shot hits the words pour out as ink drips over the page and the meaning of the moment isn’t lost.

Because I can go from anything.

Just give me something and I’ll go.

It’s like how the anxiety never ends it’s just a low buzz

That becomes a helicopter in my ears

It’s like I feel it like a second heartbeat

But the second the beat is noticed I get thrown over because I don’t have it.

Constant heart beat next to mine.

Why am I aware of someone who has only once been in the same room as me.

Hey can I just say how good it is to see you when I do.

Well not anymore.

Because I only have so many words

Fucks sake. Self hate.

君を見ると心が踊ってしまうから。

When I see you my heart will dance unfortunately, so.

Rework it.

Without any control it leaps at the first sight the second one is a realisation you’re just a picture and it’s not quite right.

The moment I hate it for doing without me telling because I didn’t need the drop

Following the jump.

The dance that comes to an abrupt stop

But it makes me so happy

That moment preceding

Precious and important

I think

He’s here after all.

Thank goodness.

I miss him.

I love him.

I’m so glad I got to see him.

I miss him.

Next subject.

Can’t stay there long.

No one else is here.