Elucidating Questions

And then they disappear in a puff of nothing?

I can feel them I didn’t put them there.

Christ you would have thought you’d figured that one out but here we are.

I’d say good morning

But it’s not good

And in the proverbial morning there has to be a time and a day and the sun has an endless day and the time is merely a reading of how many spinning things happen in a certain time.

Drop your proverb in the tank I don’t have time to get caught up in the oh

Fuck I said that

I know why I said that

Who even knows why I said it the way I did but gravity

Probably gravity.

I didn’t wake up I just looked and saw that stuff trying to run the time down until the next

Prescribed activity.

Don’t go

Like it’s an option.

Like there’s an alternative.

This morning is a little later on

So in English but not the same at all

Hermes thinks it’s funny so I do it for a laugh but no one else sees what I did there.

The sun is quiet

Because he’s heard it all before.

Did I show them a different way to sing?

Snicker.

How do I explain you fuckers properly anyways?

Creepy crawly massive but the same size

You’re all bleeding at the edges all the time

My gods.

It tripped me once.

I don’t trip twice.

This line between sane and insane

If you could hear my heartbeat

Crumbling off of either side

I know when people shouldn’t touch me.

I just don’t want to break the whole place and honestly I don’t want to stay.

For how many thought processes I have going it’s a shock no one can follow.

Debating the future.

No I just have to live with living this way

Feeling this way

Hurting this way.

No I just have to grin and bear it

Through the mess

Through the silence

Through him whispering in my ears.

In songs I don’t remember that fit the moment anyways.

Can’t understand that it’s not the same.

Can’t understand why

Neither can I.

Because somewhere in

The depths of my mind

I wish this is all a dream that’ll go away soon

Remember when I said I felt free?

It didn’t last longer than the moment.

I was never free.

Can’t take away true facts from me.

If I wake up would all the right people be beside me?

I wanted someone to hear my pain and make it better.

But no one can.

Or there would be someone here.

Ativan is my new best friend.

Take away the pain and let me hide it under numbness and silence.

Take away the pain of being ignored and unimportant.

Take away the pain of being lonely and forgotten.

Join together with the plant and take it all away.

I can’t do this alone

I can’t do anything.

Worthless useless awful disgusting person

I’m not worth having him either.

I keep thinking

Something

It’s not making me any better to love people

Love makes it hurt

It doesn’t make me kind it makes me scared.

I can be kind through the numbness I don’t need to love anyone else.

Take it away.

I’m tired of loving people.

The pain of uselessness

Brushing hair from my shoulder that isn’t there

Frozen toes

Whispering air breaking through the silent night

I wish you were here because I want to make it right.

Every time it goes wrong and you don’t know what to do I want to sit in the same room and be whatever you need to make it right

I don’t know why but it seems so silly to say outloud so it’s always going to be here

In this box of my heart.

Parts of it that I don’t show the real world because me seems too not welcome in these wripples

Of life

But it’s the thought of you hurting alone that hurts me

I don’t know if you like hurting alone but I hate hurting alone I want someone with me to just be

Maybe like an anchor

Maybe like just someone to say all the things I want to say with and hear that

What I’m saying is okay

Or something

Maybe there’s a solitary quality to your solitary hurting that I don’t understand

Maybe everything is fine and I’m the one reading it out loud.

I’m starting to fade into the night because I took them early because I didn’t want to be awake anymore but I would fight it if you needed me to.

If you need me

I’ll be here if you ever need me

Please call me if there’s anything I can do

To make it better.

Still as a statue, posed, arms ready

To jump the fence to enter the new place

But the pause, the turn away the wander off

Like the thought was plucked from his brain

Rhythmic beating and singing chimes.

Time to meet with fate.

Don’t look down the barrel it’ll only get deeper

When you drop something in it something falls from above

In a painting endless circling no love.

The buildings all flooded.

Trying to escape.

Or not. Change of pace.

The pop in my ear as the air turns sour and I’m waiting for the hour when he’s gone so I can pretend to sleep.

Before you do it make sure

Sure of what?

That the nonsense isn’t making the sense worthless?

Nonsense is where I hide if I break the language they can’t follow so I can’t be found at the end of it.

The reciprocate taste.

I’ll stay if you stay.

Doesn’t sound very nice but it’s not like that it’s lIke

Without you I’ll be so lost

And I’m so scared everyone keeps going away

But beyond that it’s just that I need to know you’re okay

All the time

Okay that’s ridiculous

Putting angles where they don’t belong

That’s not a typo

I was just checking to see if you were paying attention

I wasn’t.

I don’t know what’s been happening around me this whole time the world is shut out it’s just a tunnel

If only I could get out of this tunnel.

Yes slow down I am willing to do I can slow down if you want me to.

All the joints feel disjointed and the muscles feel like meat.

Nothing feels right when the fog is so thick and the body in it is so tired.

Sometimes I feel trapped and I want to go out get out do something anything but

So tired.

Music is where I go to hide from the weirdness the music caused.

His music is where I go to hide from the feelings his music caused.

I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

Are you so tired?

The worst part is the fault lies on how my mind perceived it

Misconceived perceptions

And accidental direct hits.

I think I’m almost at the end of my wits.

How am I sitting up here when it feels like my head’s on the floor

Spots of red in my vision

Never as far as I think I am

Surrounded but living a different reality than all those people standing

Is it a panic attack I’m hiding from or just everything I wonder.

The constant burning ache of my entire body

The light and the world outside my eyes.

Drawing quietly into myself.

I can’t see or hear anything else

I want to fly away but something always catches me

Stop flying or get back here or what if they get lost I wouldn’t know anything

It swings into words that sting but I try not to hear them instead just the beat or the tune or something else

But no where else is safe.

I can’t find somewhere safe to be me.

I can’t be what you want from me.

Because these strange things that happen in tandem

I don’t know what the point is I think maybe I never knew

I wanted to.

Now the plan I was already on, the back track.

Nothing went according to plan so maybe the sun should stop planning.