Elucidating Questions

Inherited asylums

Places of love and doubt.

I stand with total injustice.

My true love, my greatest enemy.

The drought will teach us.

The drought will teach us good.

How do I murder the fear?

The fear of dancing.

The fear of not knowing how.

The fear of pain.

The fear of the length of the road.

I will it to be I want it to be I need it to be

Shorter.

Awaiting the final

Impatiently waiting.

Please take off your hat and pull me into your arms and take me away.

It’s time to stop pretending that I’ll have someone take my hand

Time to look to the future I want.

The one where I’m not there.

Dreaming of the perfect moment.

Dreaming of the perfect moment.

Look to the end and pray it comes soon.

It’s time to stop dreaming about how they’ll see me.

It’s time to stop dreaming about happiness that is not coming.

It’s time to give up on hoping and happiness and accept the answer.

It’s time to stop making promises that don’t benefit anyone.

I’m waiting.

Dreaming of the sweet ending.

I don’t want anything else.

I give up searching for nothing

Not here

Not there

I give up trying to pretend that feeling love made it better.

Someday I won’t have to stay here

Someday I’ll be free.

Someday I’ll be able to do all the things I only dreamed it just has to end first

I just have to wait

I just have to be patient

Wait my turn in line.

Someday he’ll pick me and I’ll be free.

You’ll never find home you’ll always wander

You’ll never find home you’ll always just wander

The moment will end someday begging begging for the end

Begging for when the pain is taken away and

Never having to find home because home will not exist.

Never being lost or hurting or lonely again

It’ll end someday.

I wish it was today.

Someday you won’t have to look out onto empty lands with empty animals and emptiness

Someday it’ll be gone.

Someday you’ll be free.

Someday.

I wish it was today.

You’ll never find home you’ll always wander

You’ll never find home you’ll always just wander

The moment will end someday begging begging for the end

Begging for when the pain is taken away and

Never having to find home because home will not exist.

Never being lost or hurting or lonely again

It’ll end someday.

I wish it was today.

Someday you won’t have to look out onto empty lands with empty animals and emptiness

Someday it’ll be gone.

Someday you’ll be free.

Someday.

I wish it was today.

I wish there was another sun

This cruel twisting magic.

The spell I’m put under.

I watch them go.

Most don’t even get to me before they do.

If I want it is it going to misfire on purpose

Just take it away I’m begging.

This moment is too long.

The sputters and jerks that would make you think it’s over

It’s not over

Not like that

I don’t believe you.

There has been no data to show otherwise.

I have collected no data that shows that it’s not like that.

I could say I saw what I loved and loved it.

Didn’t see anything that was what I didn’t want.

I could say too many things for no reason for hours.

Can’t talk me in to eating when I just don’t want to.

Can’t talk me in to believing when I haven’t seen one single sign

It doesn’t really add up does it

The actions and the silence.

“Poker face is something every good unwanted mental case learns to put on don’t let it fool you.”

If anyone misses me then it would be a shock.

After all we live in a world were every human who is allowed to connect is connected

I wish it would end.

Because then I could go back to pretending someone misses me and wants to see me.

Instead it’s all just hollow nothing noises that never quite connect because

Disproven theories are thrown into the garbage and the paper is imperfect

Or maybe I’m just not the you who everyone is missing

Maybe I’m some thing that took over when no one wanted me and now everyone is wishing some old me who I had to get rid of to cure the emptiness would walk back in and actually be able to do something

But no one ever proved me wrong

When I thought about how terrible I am or that I can’t help or that I’m useless or that I have no future or that I’m all alone

All alone

I’m always all alone.

I don’t freak out. I don’t be loud unless masked I don’t throw my hands up I don’t do anything

The whole point was I wasn’t freaking out until I lost it

I guess.

It’s all a joke.

Haha…

I laugh when I cry.

I’ve switched gears before that’s how I got in this mess.

From three to one.

What the fuck

Bullet For Your Dreams

Odd timing

Not three two one.

I wish I could help you

I keep dreaming about you oddly enough

You and not him or him.

Are you lonely?

I guess this is yours now.

Thief.

Well I was angry.

I said to this girl I knew once in middle school or elementary

I wanted to place her face

You know they say you can’t dream up a face

But awake I’ve never seen it before but

Even in my dreams I answer it fiercely.

You’re not there you’re a theme or a subject.

I wish I could help you.

I wish I could help him.

I wish I could help him.

I’m sorry I can’t do well enough.

I’m sorry that none of it matters.

But I love you three so much.

I hope you know that.

I was ready to go out but I became afraid and I couldn’t live my life that way

Alone and watching everyone together without so much as a glance.

I disappear in a crowd.

Locked away where the togetherness of others can’t get me.

I want to go outside.

I wish someone would let me out.

All I hear is that he wants me to go away.

That’s all I hear.

I don’t see anything obviously I don’t see anything but how can I read it any different

He wants me to go away.

In this intangible pain that won’t leave that I’ve lived with in silence every day it’ll just continue and it’ll never change

Because everyone around me has decided I’m not here.

I have to accept their judgement.

But the ink doesn’t stop pouring.

Reservation

To a life I never asked for

It’s my own fault.

I should have known better.