Elucidating Questions

I’ve switched gears before that’s how I got in this mess.

From three to one.

What the fuck

Bullet For Your Dreams

Odd timing

Not three two one.

I wish I could help you

I keep dreaming about you oddly enough

You and not him or him.

Are you lonely?

I guess this is yours now.

Thief.

Well I was angry.

I said to this girl I knew once in middle school or elementary

I wanted to place her face

You know they say you can’t dream up a face

But awake I’ve never seen it before but

Even in my dreams I answer it fiercely.

You’re not there you’re a theme or a subject.

I wish I could help you.

I wish I could help him.

I wish I could help him.

I’m sorry I can’t do well enough.

I’m sorry that none of it matters.

But I love you three so much.

I hope you know that.

I was ready to go out but I became afraid and I couldn’t live my life that way

Alone and watching everyone together without so much as a glance.

I disappear in a crowd.

Locked away where the togetherness of others can’t get me.

I want to go outside.

I wish someone would let me out.

All I hear is that he wants me to go away.

That’s all I hear.

I don’t see anything obviously I don’t see anything but how can I read it any different

He wants me to go away.

In this intangible pain that won’t leave that I’ve lived with in silence every day it’ll just continue and it’ll never change

Because everyone around me has decided I’m not here.

I have to accept their judgement.

But the ink doesn’t stop pouring.

Reservation

To a life I never asked for

It’s my own fault.

I should have known better.

You know you don’t have to

Stay here forever

It’s just a moment a moment in time

It seems so long like it goes on and on

But one day you’ll be gone one day you’ll be gone

And you’ll never have to feel this way again

The moment will be over and it’ll end.

You don’t have to stay here

To stay here for ever

In this moment you’ll be gone in a moment

In this moment that feels like nothing will ever be right again

It’ll be gone

Just like you will

You don’t have to stay here forever

Some day with his grace you will be set free from it all

Someday you’ll be gone and you’ll never have to feel this way again.

Just dream of the day when you never have to feel like this again.

Dream of him coming to set you free so you never have to feel again

Dream of the end over and over

Someday it’ll come.

Someday.

Someday you’ll never have to live in this moment again.

Someday.

I open a door

I’m five and playing on the floor with my dad

I open another

I’m six and he’s saying the words “everything is all her fault”

I open another

I’m fourteen and he’s telling me I can be whatever I want

The same age he’s telling me I try too hard to be different

The same age he’s telling me all these things about my mother I never should have had to hear

Closing the door the child from the first looks lost.

My daddy doesn’t love me anymore, what did I do wrong?

I can’t answer that for you.

Now it seems like he loves me but I’m too afraid of all the things that come out to face him.

I open a door I’m at piano lessons

Singing lessons

French lessons

All I ever wanted to do was sing.

Singing all the time

I open another door I’m sixteen the next door neighbour asks whose song I’m singing

And when I answer he tells me I should leave the singing to them.

It’s a joke.

I went to girl guides and played in forests and made friends with wild animals and

Ran around outside all day

Now I watch it from my windowsill

Thinking wouldn’t it be lovely if someday was today.

Patience they whisper for twenty six years and then insist there’s something only for nothing to show

My Fair Lady was my favourite

The lady who was so hideously unwanted she couldn’t even sell a flaur

And couldn’t talk right to save her blooming arse.

Fixed by the beautiful perfect professor who can do no wrong she is finally pretty enough that someone will love her

Ignoring the problems

Ignoring the unhealthy relationship the way she wasn’t good enough until he made her good enough

But I know I’m not good enough so if I could just try to sell these

Flaurs

To the right person

I wanted to know what was wrong with Spain’s planes but I didn’t want to ask a stupid question and one day I realised

Plain.

It stays on the plain.

The nights I danced all night.

The days I couldn’t get out of bed.

Buy a flaur sir?

Six pence.

Inflation.

Doctor Do Little

When I was young I loved that man just like I loved Mr. Rogers and

Doctor Dolittle reminded me of my dad.

Daddy issues abound

Twenty years on and at least I can choose to speak properly if I do so choose

I just don’t want to.

Still as hysterical as the day was born

I shat on the doctor I’m told.

Well that’s a metaphor now isn’t it.

I’m told I used to charm food out of old people at restaurants

I’m told

But you were never shy

My parents were fighting and I ran away from home at or around four years old

I remember the road seemed like it would go on forever

An old women we’d never met or saw again took us back

That time when the door shut I thought I’d be locked away forever.

Memories come from everywhere.

I remember stealing apples out of a tree and then for no reason at all just destroying them when they could have been eaten

Kids do fucked up things.

Hades I can’t feel my toes again something’s wrong with them tell Hermes to wake Apollo up to totally make it better

It’s funny because it’s sundown and I’ve been begging him to go away for hours

They’re not cold they’re froze

What else do we have that time I read a comic online and wanted it so bad I

Named the second voice in my head.

Struck a deal with a demon.

I guess.

Locked away in a ward with this kid who could just open up and we’d be in love forever.

I never read the rest I grew up faster than it did

And the forgetfulness was in full swing.

I was writing stories for others all the time.

Constant swing.

I’ve written so much in my life it just feels like every word dripped out and fell nowhere.

I don’t know what other movie to put my life in but the King and I?

I always just wanted to be one of the children. She was so pretty and kind sounding I wonder if it’s true

Childhood falsities.

Revisited

Yul Brynner.

He’s just a white guy.

But I’ve already seen the ancient world through the eyes of then many times so it doesn’t surprise.

Life changes when you look back through perfectly preserved things it shatters them

Memories left in their places where they can become tainted

Because sometimes I want to be that little girl on the floor playing with my dad

And the biggest issue is how the car will go through the tunnel

So I put them away because if I need them I can’t see them through the eyes of the person looking for them because I’m so tainted by this

That precious memories keep becoming nightmares and triggers and turned grey.

Most of the time I want to pretend I don’t have either because the weight of my life with them

Makes childhood seem so so so far away.

It tells me every time I’m on a streak

But it doesn’t mean anything

So you put in words

I’m never going to stop, streak my dream?

My dream wasn’t to be on a streak.

It was to write everything I could and then have it be so easy the door just opened when I said here’s all of me

Cause all of me

Was supposedly worth it.

Long shot shot long shots taken shots gone I insist

I miss the shots I take.

Fell off the beam

Didn’t make the jump

The shot went wide

Was I supposed to magically decide my life was fine and that would elevate the lie until it was true?

When I tried that the roof grew over my head.

Look at the reality of the situation

Blessed to have a place to live

A parent who does what she can when she thinks of me

I’m not starving but I don’t have enough energy to sate my hunger.

I’m in pain but if that’s what life’s about then I must be living the best life

I’m alone but I’m useless and wouldn’t be able to do anything anyways.

I was always so afraid to be alone. Now I get to be alone every day.

Everything is fine.

Believe it.

Okay.

I believe it.

I’m going to sleep.

Something to fill the void that is the hours between work and school.

Prescribed activities.

I don’t want anything else.

If I said I wanted to walk with him it wouldn’t make a difference.

If I said I wanted to go along just to be near and make sure he’s okay it wouldn’t matter.

If I said anything I actually want it would be filling the silence and the nothing with more nothing that won’t ever happen because no one

Not fucking one

Not one.

More meaningless foolish wasted wishes that don’t change anything

I wish he’ll be fine without me

He’ll be fine without me.

I’m fine too.

Nothing ever changes.

Everything is fine.

It goes back to normal so easily like I was never even here.

A fight I will never win.

A war I never wanted to begin with.

I can stare at them the meaningless lines and remind myself

I’m the only one who walked away scarred.

I’m the only one who walked into the mess.

I’m the only one who walked out.

Outcast from a life I was never meant to live.

What can I say the gate shut behind me and I saw the cage and thought

You get what you need

I know it’ll be forever

But it’s going to be a long time

I regret saying those things

Because I used to think I was worth

Because I was desperate and scared

Because I’m never going to win.

In the scars I’ll hide my true feelings they’ll never know

I’m ready to sleep now I’m ready to go

Put myself to sleep

I’m not sure why you thought I’d shy away from the thought of a death so easy when I already feel all the things I do

Trying to find loopholes because the opposite doesn’t matter.

You can live without me.

I’m well aware.

I’m going to come back.

You are.

Didn’t seem so awful this morning but here I am alone

Lonely

And lonely

And lonely

Why am I lonely why can’t I just ignore it and enjoy the

The sunset or the birds

Enjoy the moment

Encapsulated in time.

But I’m breathing and every breath doesn’t bring me closer

It just hurts

And the pain is louder than your pretty pictures

They’re pretty

You have pretty pictures

But there’s no one here to hold on to when it’s all I ever needed.

I wish I knew how I did it so I could undo it

No one calling on the phone

No one knocking on the door

No one asking for me

No one wanting me

I was told all my life of stories of people who would want me and that there would be someone who would come along and make it seem better and that person would love me as much as I love everyone.

But the clock strikes and strikes and strikes and nothing

No one

Forever alone

Like that fucking joke

I’m an internet joke.

I’m a fucking joke.

I’m having a hard time

That sounds rough. Bye.

Plans so far in the future I have so much time to kill

Before the next thing that’ll feel like I’m being

Two and a half months

Two and a half to go

It’s never the message I want.

It’s never how I want it to go.

This someday

Are we there yet?

Or can I just ask until you turn around because I want to go home

I never wanted any part of this trip.

I just wanted my dreams to come true.

Well I guess they are.

Someone’s basement is flooded.

Someone has a friend.

Someone has a lover.

It’s just not me.

I guess it’s just not me.

Hermes had snuck in and stolen Apollo’s medicine

The medicine

The medicine

Anyway

At a silent standstill the two stood worlds apart and who was to decide

Hermes you can’t be a doctor you lie far too often return the medicine.

Hermes says he can get it there faster

What’s faster than light?

Insistence.

Apollo just teach them some of the medicine.

Hermes if you’re so fast you can get what you can’t make.

You’d better find a way to make it up to him though because that’s not how you share.