Elucidating Questions

I wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow

This job is wearing on me

I lost all the people who seemed to enjoy my presence and now it’s just a place I go to collect an absolutely shit pay cheque

I thoroughly want to be rude to this store lead

Just dish back out some of this shit she’s put me through over the last months

I’m not a rude person though

And I don’t really want to be mean

I just want her to experience the same feelings I have about my job over the last few months

I want her corporate bootlicking self to have corporate just screw up her work schedule for months and demand she fill out paperwork that costs money

And then go

But we don’t want to

When said paperwork is filled out

All things an able bodied person will never have to deal with

Forcing people to do things they wouldn’t want to have to do themselves

And I just

I just hate customers

I hate people who are customers

There are people who come through my till and they are people and it’s fine

And then there are customers

I’m just going to casually do things that take up more time, be completely unprepared, and demand things of you and blame things on you

They’re just exhausting

And these days I can’t carry on a conversation and fold and scan at the same time.

I pretend I can

But I can’t

I shouldn’t be working

But I don’t have another option

Short of some government deciding to cough up about $2000 a month there’s nothing that’s going to fix it

I’m giving up my health to work

But if I don’t work I’ll pretty quickly have no health to give up.

Trapped dancing in this cage

Owned by whomever will take me

Paid pennies for every ten thousand the boss makes

It’s just gross

It’s all just gross

I have to work tomorrow

I just have to

You know what broke my heart?

Last night I over heard my landlord and his kid

His kid goes “will you tuck me in?”

His dad goes

No, do it yourself

That broke me a bit

Do parents not see themselves as children when they’re parenting?

There will come a day you never tuck him in again

Do they not realise this?

And then, just now, he was having some issues with the shower and he called for his dad

Was calling and calling until he was crying “dad, where are you?”

And his dad was sat in the livingroom ignoring him

I’m downstairs, I can’t do anything

Different suite

Sometimes I over hear how his dad talks to him

And then his dad wonders “where his attitude comes from”

What a mystery

How you talk to your kids matters folks

It sets the tone for how they speak and interact with the world

It hurts me to never have the chance to show the love I have for kids

Having to witness how adults treat them

That is not a subservient creature, it’s a fucking whole damn human

Do they not remember how aware they were as kids?

Do they not remember how everything affected them because everything was new?

I never experienced some enlightening of consciousness

I was always a whole person

I was just a young, inexperienced, new person

That’s a human being you’re listening to cry for his dad unaffected

This poor kid

He’s so easily affected by things

I’m pretty sure he’s neurodivergent

He was apparently tested and the doctor thought it was nothing

I’d like to speak to that doctor

All these kids who I’ve loved so much

Too far away for me to have any effect

And then people call me a groomer and it hurts

Because I’d die before doing what was done to me

Like if someone put me under a gun and said I’ll shoot you or do it

I’d take the bullet

But what do you even say to parents?

Excuse me can you please stop bullying your child?

That baby I held in my arms, screaming because he was hungry and his mother wasn’t making enough milk and when I suggested formula, before we knew that fact, just trying to come up with answers, she shot daggers at me

Is now a child somewhere

So many babies who I held and loved

Who grew up to be strangers

It’s just hard to watch

It’s always just for a moment

And I can’t have a kid

Let alone as a single parent

Just pregnancy would probably kill me at this point

And I don’t regret not having kids because I was never in a position to do so

I just want to be part of a community where everyone raises the kids

And then I’d be that weird Nauncle

That just loved them all so much

What?

I just hate seeing kids struggling

And I double hate it when they’re struggling because their parents are colossal bullies

I want to protect kids

I want kids to be able to be free of the horrors of this world for as long as possible

Still this strange off feeling

I wish I knew what was causing it

God forbid it’s my foolish heart

It should be silent

I’ve wrapped it up tight enough

This year is almost over

And I have torn feelings

Things aren’t supposed to feel better after what happened on Easter

It’s wrong for me to settle into comfort

The clouds are out and yet

You appear to be breaking through

Always this one

I’m sure there’s some explanation I don’t understand

I’m sure you have something to do with my mood

He’s so far away

So far away

I couldn’t do it

Infidelity

I’m not monogamous

But I’d never hide and lie to someone I loved

I’m certainly quickening my demise again

How do you leave a woman hurting?

Like forget with guys

I’m afraid of them, which would prevent me from doing something like that even if I wanted to

But how do you hurt someone?

Words filled with poison always regrets

How do you see pain in someone’s face and keep going?

There’s this being in me that has poison and claws

But when I’m in my natural state

I can’t imagine doing anything like that

Wanting to cause pain

普段

アイツが出るのは

自分を守る為に

No defensiveness no Cat

Making moves to harm on purpose

Without there being a reason

Is so beyond me

Foolish lost child

Wandering back again

But I tried

They say

The something in the darkness outside myself

It’s attempting to

アピールする

That one’s fun it’s an English word in Japanese that means not quite the same thing when translated back

I’m not falling for it

Not going to yearn for something I can’t see

Believing in a phantom

I don’t know what it is

Probably just my own madness looking back at me

I believed it and him were the same

If I believed that now

Well I’d have to hate him, wouldn’t I?

That would wake the Cat

So don’t call me, secret something

Because I can’t believe in you

Stars and planets are real

And I can play with them for fun

But you

You are dangerous

Believing in you made terrible things happen

And I have a headache from pointedly ignoring you

Which is why I know you’re something

You’re offering things I can’t accept

In the dark

And wouldn’t it be sweet to just go completely insane?

But that’s not going to happen again

The sweetness of mania

It’s fun for a bit, and then it’s not

What would I be holding on to?

Can’t relate

Oh fucking finally

My place to hide

Telling me to go to bed

I don’t want to get lost in that thing again

Hard rock curing headaches

Who knows

I couldn’t tell you with what I speak

Couldn’t tell you why that made it better

Like a shield

I dare not name you

But you always ride in with the yellow ninja

Have the clouds parted?

No, but yet I’m being instructed

Yes I will sleep before my head starts aching again

I wish I could identify it

But it’s not something I can properly describe to others

An

I feel slightly off today

Can’t quite place what it is though

My arms finally stopped screaming from me pulling apart the sink

Trying to decipher between wind and rain

It’s wind for now

I don’t know why I feel like this

Like I just feel like I’m in a bad mood

But there’s no reason to be

I feel trapped

But I don’t know why

Trying to search my memory for something that might have turned my mood

But I can’t

I’m so exhausted

Probably the weather still flip flopping

I’m lonely

That’s not new, but it’s

切ない

Painful sad

Right now

It’s been a while I guess

A month

Since I truly interacted with anyone

A month and a few days

Maybe it’s the loneliness gripping me

It’s more than malaise

I feel stubborn

Like I am actively not doing something that has been asked of me

But I recall no order?

Feelings are a mystery

I wish I had an identifier

I feel heavy

Like I’m carrying to much

But I’m always carrying too much so what’s new?

And I feel frustrated not being able to identify what’s wrong

Something’s out of sync

But what?

Enter the green goblin

And the music conceded

Yes he has entered

Can’t see you yet though

Funny how that happens

That spider was large

Like small animal sized large

That spider or a small field shrew

I don’t know which would be bigger

Why are you so far North?

Ah well

Do you quit though?

Do you?

Wow

Double green goblin

Hoot hoot

You and they seem to be fighting over this

Jupiter time

Jupiter and Saturn but you’re at opposite ends of the sky time

I’m not full of Saturn yet

You can 鳴る all you like though

Oh that new word I just learned

唱える

Learning things again is great

Great not quite a ball of fire

Ah I struggle with you

Your claim to have no problem with me

I have every problem with you

Justice

Death is easy

Watcher and welcomer

But you?

I can’t quite grasp your concept

How is making others suffer for causing suffering justice?

Maybe we’ve confused it

Always with the

It’s not quite like that

And your hesitant acceptance of it

That I’m

不満

With what humans think is justice

But there you are

Sparkling visage

An undeniable force?

Death is undeniable

The Universe’s strange sense of justice

You know it when it happens

Sometimes it’s awful

This is why I hesitate

You hesitate with my hesitation

Well, possibly, you’ve been on the other side of the planet and haven’t seen me

And I greet you with fire as usual

How you pulsed through me in thunderous weather

正義か

You know I can’t be content with a system that causes pain for mistakes

And the inability for any human to truly know whether another did something on purpose or not

And to what degree?

There is always a part of me

Wedded to old fashioned

They did wrong so fuck em

Justice

And it is that part of me

A find unsatisfying in you

I’m aiming for synergy

Punishment

All you remember is the punishment

Not what you did wrong

If you kill my friend, and then I kill you, and then your other friend kills me

All for revenge

Everyone just dies miserably, exponentially

Watch I just summoned something with this terrible misremembered translation quote

But really

Is it justice to “beat” the person’s wrong with your own?

How does the Universe face executioners?

Yes you are an apt subject when the US has gone execution happy

But, truly?

How do you?

How do you meet society’s sanctioned mass murderers?

It doesn’t seem right

To give a mortal that power

Not killing

Doesn’t that seem like a better idea?

Speaking of not killing things

I hope whatever I just rescued from the dog lives

It’s too dark to see

And peering behind a thing into the dark is how you get destroyed by terrified wild things

I wish I knew

An easy answer

To bring harmony here

It feels like justice works against that

How many innocent people have been erased in the name of you?

Also your Greek counterpart

Is an unapologetic rapist and misogynist

In fact, I’ve never met a god of justice who didn’t suck

Apparently I’m getting worked up

Yes calm

It’s so easy to get caught up in you

And all the things I can’t be content with

I also want to see you

Curse this duality

I should have made you the god of something else

You are now the god of cupcakes

I’m sure I’d find a way to find an issue with that too

Can’t settle on you

Have to run back to the arms of my safe place

To dreams

Yeah, you deserve a whole thing just for you

So private I don’t know whether you would have accepted me or not

But you were in my life

As a kind older lady

And you were one of the reasons I didn’t want to abandon Harry Potter at first

I watched you in so many roles

One of the best actors of your generation, mine too

I do just want to high five you

What a freaking epic life you lived

You may think you could do better

I’m sure you do

But take a moment to be proud of your life

It held so much

You held so much in your capable hands

I, even when you were playing stricter characters, felt this great kindness breaking through

Ah, I’m sad

But I’ve started feeling like

Lives well lived

Instead I want to congratulate them

Why?

Influence of the Death being?

Who knows

I’m so impressed with your life

Humbled

Thank you for sharing yourself with the world

Rest well

安らかに