Elucidating Questions

Something about my default mode was uttered

I’m not trying to be nice

Am I?

Second guesses

And doubt

I can smell the ocean

Speaking of Ocean

The continuation?

It’s just that I have a hard time grasping that I’m a good person

So many people have said otherwise

I just don’t want anyone else to go through any of the pain I have

Or any I don’t know of yet

If I could keep every being pain free

Naïve of it

Maybe thinking it doesn’t even exist

Innocent

The depths of pain I’ve experienced

Physically, emotionally

I wish they would die with me

That it would absolve every other being of having to feel it

Something measurable

My ineffectiveness

Ineffectuality

Dancing in the dark

Looking at you

A sign of the beginning, the middle, the end

Glaring lights

No one would ever believe your sense of humour

Ah well

Somewhere there’s a you

In some form

Perhaps that somewhere is everywhere and no where at once

I’m a magical being without magic

I’d give it to the world

It’s overflowing

I may as well pour it somewhere

The intended recipient is in a different place

So far from what I thought

Yet exactly how it was supposed to go

Bitterly

Painfully

Was it any different than he wanted it?

What love song is he singing?

You can tell me I don’t know what I’m missing but I can agonize about what I’m missing even not knowing what it is

Why did you have to break the world?

Why?

It would have been fine if you’d lived

If you’d lived

Wouldn’t it?

And the rain is pouring but I can see the Sun

The clouds are thick but he’s broken through

Speaking of breaking through

I thought I’d banished it

Yet here it comes

Comes creeping in

見たいなー

元気か確認したいなー

くだらない

Like he broke the sky

Cracks of blue

Betraying that there is a sky above the grey

Don’t go away

I say over the trees

Because he’s going behind them

I’m not prepared for Winter

I can see you’re round with my own eyes

Fire burned into my retinas

A transformation up above

If I silence it long enough

Will it stop struggling?

Desperate for it not to be the end when it was from the starting gun

Did you come out brilliantly for that moment alone?

Can I tell you this love that won’t just go away?

I hope it’s not for centuries

I would erase it from my mind

It would have been better if I never loved him

If such a feeling had never bloomed

I don’t know why I thought going from one impossible to another was the answer

A million reasons why

But no reason why

I’m not even singing it and I’m singing it

I want to warm them

The feelings

Tell them they mattered

But you can’t lie to them

They know

切なくて悲しい

Nothing did happen

That’s the point

Isn’t it unfortunate

His songs make me feel empty

His songs make me feel lost

Name change paperwork submitted

14 weeks

That works out to exactly the new year

Funny things that just so happen to work that way

New year, finally me

I’m excited, in an impatient,

Can’t wait that long, kind of way

All this I’m doing on my own

No celebrations with friends

No real acknowledgment beside this

The rain makes me sleepy

But I gave myself too much time to do this errand so I’m sitting, waiting

I have so much to do

In a good way

Entertained

With more waiting for later

It’s a different world right now

Only because I can get by

It feels really fake sometimes

Like I’m watching the amount in my account go down

I know it comes to an end

Am I allowed to enjoy this reprieve?

Knowing this is temporary?

I’ve accomplished a lot in the past few weeks

I’ve been busy as hell

I need a few weeks to rest

Just have to get through today and tomorrow and then I can rest for a few days

I haven’t been sleeping

7 hours of sleep is as good as 2 hours of sleep was as a teen

Just wish I could have a say in what my mind forgets today

On the bus back we picked up someone who had been working for handydart who now needed it

The driver knew her and was chatting about her diagnosis and usage of the services

She said she wasn’t using the bus for anything but appointments because she felt guilty

I kind of interrupted

Told her she may be still at the point where she’s not ready to be “disabled” but regardless she is a valid, disabled, person, who needs the bus services

Told her not to get in her own way in terms of accessing things she needs

Told her not to cut off her access to socialisation when she needs it most

She said thank you

The bus driver told me I was good at putting things into words

I’m confused

Because I’m used to hearing I don’t do that

Used to hearing how bad I am at communication

She said I was an amazing person

I just saw someone who was going through the same things I was when I was first diagnosed

It took me until the second diagnosis to take myself seriously

Every time I see someone who’s diagnosis is new

I just want to scream そこまで行くな

Don’t go as far as me

Don’t push yourself until it’s worse and you don’t get a choice of pushing it anymore

Access the help you need

Don’t deny it because it hurts

And I know it hurts

Chopin

Historical man I randomly love

He is a good composer for I know it hurts

Beautiful

Moody

If it sounds like five people are playing the piano it’s Chopin

I always thought that was so funny

I don’t know if it’s allowed

It probably doesn’t matter

If I can reach out some warmth

I shouldn’t

But I just want him to be well

It’s not like I can just stop worrying

My heart screaming in its wraps

To the world I suppose

I do wish a better tomorrow for every being on Earth

Wish I could protect them all

Billions of children who think they’re adults

And billions of children

Who probably also think they’re adults they’re just not

Big yet

Whatever

Do the clouds reflect it?

Something fell as rain

Rain is an invention of Earth

Very interesting

Did the rain precede the life?

How long has rain fallen?

Sitting and watching the rain must be as ancient a tradition as there is for landers

I before E except after C except ANCIENT

Sorry

Fuck English!

No, seriously, sorry, I’m composed

Longer than words

What small animal watched the rain?

Did the dinosaurs?

People say listen to your heart

People say don’t

If I’m so amazing

Why am I alone?

It’s always the day after an event that I hurt the most from my injuries

Like the first day they sat planning to go all out

My hands don’t hurt as much

The drugs don’t touch that body ache I get

Unfortunate

It’s raining

The weather has been doing this strange thing where it’s a Summer day, then followed by a rainy Fall day

Summer is tiring

Later than I would have liked

It’s so weird to be okay

And, you know, I’m not really okay

I’m just content with purgatory

I desperately need a companion

None have presented themselves

Content with misery

Like misery was around so long I became numb to it

At least I have things to do

Right?

And every day ticks over

And I acknowledge its end

Knowing that’s another day I didn’t know you

Didn’t see you

And then I get hung up on who You is

I don’t know

And the fact that I may never know eats at me daily

That the Universe is saving it for the last day of my life so I never get to actually know the You

Some big gotcha moment

And now you’re dead

It’s a fear for me

It’s a great fear

So many times in my life I’ve been the butt of some cosmic joke

I wish I wasn’t

It’s so scary

It’s happened a couple times in my life

And I still have no explanation

The most remembered one would be knowing the tune to 深い森 from Inuyasha the first time I heard it

A mystery

But this will probably be another I remember

I know the tune of the ending song of the first Pokemon movie

In Japanese

That they did not use for the English one in any capacity

Like goose bumps

While I’m humming a tune I’ve never heard before that I knew better than some songs I’ve known all my life

Mysteries

Sometimes I’m terrified that I’m stuck in a ground hog day life

Like I just live this life over and over

And I’m just remembering things even though my memory was erased

That’s just the thing that makes the most sense when I’m paranoid

I wish I had actual answers

And witnesses

Not like there’s any real merit to me putting any of this into the web

What’s it going to do exactly?

Watching Pokemon has been so much fun

Learning all the names in Japanese

Some of the word play is really funny

I’ve been occupied with things to do

It’s been great

Besides the sink incident last night

I am in so much pain today because of it

My hands hurt, my arms hurt, my fingers hurt

Busy and aching means less writing

Forgive me.

I’m very tired

Just spent an hour

Dropped my piercing down the bathroom sink

Commence crying and trying to get it out

Ripped my fingers to shreds

Did not manage to put the sink back together properly

I guess I’m brushing my teeth in the kitchen sink from now on

Did get the piercing

Then trying to get it back in

Couldn’t do that

Put in the back up

Cursing and screaming and yelling at whomever caused today

What the fuck

I am shaking from the effort

I was dripping in sweat

I have no tools

God

That was awful

It’s so hard to live alone

I needed someone else so badly over the last hour

What was this supposed to prove?

I don’t think you have to prove to me that I need someone

I already fucking know you fucking worthless god damn something

I’m like

Trying not to Cat

It was so hard to reign in the absolutely beside themselves feline

Trying to keep myself calm and I have an indignant fury inside me

My hands hurt

My fingers hurt

I got my piercing back but didn’t get it back in

My sink is busted

And possibly something else because there was water everywhere

And I’m exhausted beyond expression

God it must be so hard to have someone who can help you

I don’t know who that was directed at

Tore my nails off because they were in the way

That kind of hurt too

Tore up my nose hole a bunch trying to get it in

Woe is fucking me

Woe

I wish I had someone to talk to right now

I’m feeling really low and defeated

And my fingers hurt

I wish

On Arcturus

That I didn’t have to go through any more reminders that I’m useless on my own

Foolish heart

Saw him for a moment

Never the right person

Never know what I saw to make me look

And if it was the right person

How would I know?

It does that little flutter of hope

What for?

I always ask it

No one again

Who would be there?

Don’t answer that question

I don’t want the answer

We were never meant to be

I don’t know what happened

It will forever be a mystery

Perhaps a sick, desperate mind

Dreams are all I have left

I don’t remember anything about last night

It would be kinder to let me remember

My companion and the being

Today was kind of awful

I just remember a lot of things going wrong

Not specifically what

Short term memory loss

I’m feeling beaten up and high strung

Which means I encountered difficulty of some degree

But exactly what, besides the few customers

And the stress of not getting enough done

I need to rest now

Have dinner

Forget my foolish heart

So he’d walk up

And then, what exactly?

Two strangers passing by

You’re a fool for thinking it would be anything else

Why am I attached to you?