Elucidating Questions

I don’t want to hurt people

Like the thought of causing harm makes me want to isolate myself away from humanity

And learn how to photosynthesise

But there’s this anger in me

There’s this rage

And I don’t know if it’s a culmination of every time I held my tongue

Or if it’s a self defense mechanism from trauma

Both?

Any other number of variables I’m missing?

But it doesn’t matter

That anger is destructive

It hurts people I don’t mean to hurt

And I do so well hiding it, usually

Just like I hide everything else

Because people see a sliver of me and they recoil

I feel like The Beast

Like life has turned me into this gnarled, poisoned, beast

Even if I was pretty I’d have this monster inside of me

And I’m fighting it

Beings of wisdom

How do I feed the right beast?

How do I give power to the being inside of me that can overpower my own anger?

I have to love

A me that I see and feel nothing?

The silence you leave me when you’ve already answered and I’m being foolish and asking for answers I already have

Do the singing birds love themselves?

Are you certain?

Maybe it’s a different kind of love than I know

Such beautiful songs

I feel like if I was to sing a song from within it would be dark and sad

Even though the songs in my head are usually Jpop anime idol songs

I don’t know

Watch me dance around the answer and not with it

How?

Can’t say I’m trying

It’s so hard

So many people are telling me I’m not worthy of love

Why am I valid?

We all start innocent

Not guilty

But by virtue of the society we are in and the pressures each of us face we collect the harm we do to the world around us

I don’t want to do harm

So I have to forgive…

No

Accept what I’ve done and love myself anyways as a means of protection from a world that does not love me

Such a tall order

Man the things I have done

They’re not as bad as some of the things other people have done but I expect perfection from myself and hold myself to a higher standard than the world I live in

I guess maybe don’t do that

I’m quite broken

I’d like to be whole again

I’m afraid if I love myself I’ll think I can’t be wrong

But I’m tired of singing the same old song

It’s hard to do something from nothing

Without having a guide to explain

May there be a day my song looks more like I wanted it to

I’m going to try to say I want to learn instead of I don’t know how

I feel way too much

I was not made to take the cruelty of this world

It’s all a blob of things I learnt at one time or another, but it’s too much

All the things humanity does

Has done

And I feel solely responsible at times

My parents’ crusade to make me take responsibility for everything my siblings did compounded into my feeling responsible for the human race

So naturally I’m just filled with despair I can’t do anything

And I stopped believing anyone else would years ago

But then my brain tries to turn that on me also

This is all happening because you can’t believe in a better world

Or believe someone will help

It feels like if I can’t fix it

I wonder what silence is like on Mars

I don’t want that future to be hers too

I feel responsible for the animals

And the insects

And the plants

Fish, lizards, anything alive

Which is only the entire Earth

But I am so small

Completely insignificant

I shouldn’t even be having these thoughts that pit me as some saviour of humanity

I really don’t think I’m that great or capable

If you asked me what should replace everything I’d say I don’t know for sure

But at my core I know the way things are is wrong

People are overwhelmingly wrong

The truth is I wish everyone would take responsibility with me

Feel some kind of comradery with other living beings

Recognise the basic needs and do our best to provide them for everything

I don’t want to be a saviour, or any of the other half cobbed things my brain comes up with, about why the world being like this is my fault

Atlas how do you put down the world again after you pick it up?

Do you even want to carry it anymore?

This is the problem with Communism

It’s a problem it shares with every other fucking ideology

I’ve angered a communist by saying communism may not be the best thing

Now I’m a bot apparently (and tbh that hurts somewhere in my soul I’m not gonna lie)

And that’s the problem

Why are we still chasing ideologies that were proposed over a hundred years ago?

Surely we, people who live a hundred years on with all this extra technology and all the extra things about living with that technology

Can come up with something that benefits everyone in a way that doesn’t give any one group power

Why is there no balance?

We need to discuss these things through the lense of 2020s Earth not 1800s Earth

Surely there are people in our time who spend all their time searching through stuff like this

How various systems of governance worked or didn’t, what studies say what is needed for humanity.

Don’t slap a name on it and call it the perfect plan either because humanity, for all it stays the same, is always changing

And when people suggest changes

We need to be able to hear them without devolving into petty arguments and stupid shit

Treating our handling of how society works like it’s going to flip a switch and automatically start doing a communism is also incredibly naïve

Who’s going to pay for the welfare of the impoverished and the disabled while you’re viveing the revolution?

Do you care?

If not why should I listen to how you think society is going to work better?

You’ve already forgotten me from the equation

And hundreds of millions like me

How will we move society from one way of being to another?

There are things omitted from the past that you cannot forget if you want to build a future

We have to leave no one behind or people will suffer

Communism was written about from a white perspective

I refuse to accept any writing from a white person as perfect

I doubly refuse to accept any writing from an academic man as perfect

There needs to be a discussion on it from multiple walks of life

There needs to be some inclusion of how we handle people in welfare situations

Just coming in and flipping a switch is not how it works

Especially not the switch of an 1800s white man

I do not go without as much as I used to

Haven’t gone hungry in a while

And it’s nice

And it’s awful

Because I know where I was

Hungry constantly

Bored out of my skull from sitting at home doing nothing

Rent going unpaid

I’m still paying off a rent bank loan from when I lived by myself

And I’m not going to forget that is how society wanted me

Me and millions of others like me

Billions of others worldwide

I’ll never forget that I poured my blood sweat and tears into the customer service industry only for it to turn its back on me when I got sick

I thought Walmart firing me for getting fibromyalgia was the worst thing

They didn’t see us walking out the door of our almost 3 year job in tears because they’d changed the job to something I couldn’t do and asked me to choose

Do you want a job that triggers your heart condition?

Or no job?

Heh

It’s questions like that that make me realise how fucking strong I’ve become even though I’m still sensitive as hell

Tell me, do you want to work your shift with a 140 bpm heart rate? Or do you want to slip further into poverty?

Old Navy should catch fire along with that warehouse that went down a few weeks back

All you had to do was accomodate me

All you had to do was treat me like a human being who is worthy of employment

16 years of customer service

Now I can’t work

Every shift I didn’t walk out of when they wouldn’t let me go home

Every time I didn’t even ask because I didn’t want to cause trouble or harm the team

Every time I didn’t call in

Every time I did but then went in anyway for any amount of time

Every time a 4 hour shift became 8

Every time an 8 hour shift became 12

Every time I went home and slept for days afterwards unable to do anything

The hours I put in

The smiles I faked for terrible people

Called a bitch for not bringing coffee fast enough

Called an idiot for not reading minds

Every sexually forward dick

Every “honey”, “sweetie”, “ma’am”

It meant nothing

That sits with me

That lives in me even after I declare I’ve come to terms with being unemployable

Things are not bad

But they’re not good and I am so uncomfortably aware how many people think I should be working anyways

How I’m supposed to be making $1333 a month

Estimates say that should be 3333

I will never forget that no one cares about that

No matter how comfortable I get I will always know what was acceptable for me, by the will of the people

By the government

By corporations with more personhood than I have

I will die before I let up on letting people know what they are causing for impoverished people on this planet.

Hell would welcome Angels sooner than I will forget what this world has done.

If hell existed. Sometimes I wish it would.

But I would rather wish for a paradise where we all understand as well as the gods what we did upon the Earth

And then see how those of us with the darkest of deeds felt existing among those with clean souls

I want to go back to Wales

But not the capitalised one

Not the one where racism runs rampant

Not the one where I’d be ostracised for being me

I want to go back to Wales before it had a name

When it was wild

I want to live in a tiny little house and just exist and know how to live there by myself

Surrounded by nature

I used to always ask why there were characters in stories that just lived alone in the middle of no where

Did they see society and reject it?

Did they know if they were around people they’d let their guard down and get hurt?

Did they know it’s not worth it trying to find someone to connect with because other people will always ruin it?

Did they recognise the true sin of humanity?

That we have this ability to learn damn near anything and we instead use it to enrich only ourselves?

Knowledge isn’t a sin if you use it generously

But damn if humanity hasn’t tried really hard to prove there is no generosity in knowledge

We just consume

I’m often struck by my consumption

Thinking about how I should be putting back into the world as much as if not more than I take from her

But there is no way to absorb your own destructive nature in this world

Not while corporations use up millions of people’s worth of usage of this Earth

I wonder what the numbers are

They say she can’t support some billion people

How many billions of invisible, non-existent humans, do corporations add to the stress of this world?

How many people are living taking up tens of humans more of consumption?

Can she truly not?

Wouldn’t she let us know?

She lets every other creature know

Endlessly forgiving in not just

The Winds laugh

Such a subtle forgiving

Maybe we are in her image

We just seem to be in the image of everything

Even black holes

The Wind brought me the scent of flowers last night

I accepted them as if they were real and thanked them for their sharing

I wonder how many people the Wind brings flowers to who never even notice they were there?

The Ocean

Maybe the scent of a memory they had once

They walk through these lands without greeting the Sun, the Moon, the Stars

Our family of celestial bodies

They don’t talk to the rain

Except to bemoan its falling

Do they notice when birds sing?

Is everything just furniture to place and then forget it exists?

I know I don’t belong in these places I was born

But there is no place to go back to that hasn’t been touched by their blindness

Or their greed

I am corrupted by them

Because one on one I always err on the side of trust

It bothers me, wondering what thing I’ve missed

Every time we look through history bemoaning the cruelty of the past we ignore the eyes upon us from an unseen future

What other biases and wrong thinkings have been instilled on me by this sick society?

I wish I knew

I’d unlearn them too

I want to escape and be self sufficient and independent and free

But my heart screams for community and working together

For companionship

Whatever that is left of me that’s human I guess

I wish I had a logical reason why

Because if you look at the things humanity has done, will do, is doing

Why would you want anything to do with our species?

If good people made up the majority we wouldn’t be here

Did the good people die out?

Is decency an on off receptor in our DNA?

Is it recessive?

Does it get groomed out of children by our toxic society?

Are we evil?

I don’t know

I wish I could go back to a time when humanity took care of the Earth

And eachother

But I can’t

Because we didn’t

I’m so tired of being “better”

I want to tell these people I hope they choke on air

I want to tell them I hope they suffer worse than anyone they’ve ever invalidated or hurt

I want these people who sanctioned the deaths of thousands of people to go through every moment of despair they put anyone else through

I am tired of Justice and fairness and humanity

I want to be like them and let them know if they died I’d be dancing on their graves

I’m so sick of meeting them with humanity

I want to tell them they are just as much nothing people as anyone else

Not special

Not the main character

Just no one and nothing like everyone else

Propped up by Circumstance

I want to tell ableist people I hope they become more disabled than they could imagine and suffer every bit of ableism they excused or caused

I want to tell people who stalk trans people online that I hope they sink into a depression so bad they take their own lives so I can laugh at them

But it doesn’t help, does it?

The anger, the hate

The want to equalize with violence and suffering

It serves nothing and no one

Even if they are the ones who created the hate in me

I shouldn’t give them that much power

To create within me

But when the anger fizzles away

When I reclaim my insides and banish the fury to the darkest corners

Sadness is left

And disappointment

This world is so much worse than anything I could have imagined

Every day I learn, against my will, of some new depravity humanity cooked up

Throughout history and modern day

So much so that even with all my disgust I cannot be surprised by the awful things people do

How do I not come to hate them?

Knowing what these people I’m allegedly related to do

It only makes me feel less human

I don’t see myself in them

I don’t see myself in the behaviour or emotions of these creatures

I feel foreign

Alien

To these beings

Why are so many of them evil?

I wish I could rectify

This feeling of being an other

Why am I a watcher?

Why am I observing these strange people?

I wish this place was more simple

I wish that anger would fix the problem

How I wish he’d gotten in and taken a shot right through that fat ogre’s skull

Won’t someone take the poison from me

I may not quake the Earth

But I feel the tremors