Elucidating Questions

They tricked us, you know

All the influential people in history

They preached things like “less is more”

“you have to suffer to be rewarded in death”

Telling everyone beneath them to accept their lot in life

Teaching things like “it’s okay to feel unfulfilled” and “we all question our reason for living”

When they don’t, didn’t, don’t, and didn’t

Forever teaching that pain and suffering are a promise of life

Conflict, is a promise of life

But it doesn’t have to lead to suffering

We made it that way

Life doesn’t have to be like this, and yet we cling to the niceties of men and women who live like royalty

Who have no problems that aren’t self made

People who have so much they would not want for 50 life times

We encourage them to take more and then drag others down when they ask for more

We now live in a world of extortionists and exploiters

There weren’t enough angry people with cause

There weren’t enough people thinking about the children in this world

There weren’t enough people who cared about our planet

I ask how that is possible, while there are 8 billion of us

Is such a small percentage of humanity truly worthy of this world?

Apathy, rage, pain, and joy

Those were the cards shown to me yesterday

I can argue whether it’s apathy or fear but that’s what I’ve got

It’s my fear that if I walk out that door as a one person protest the world would watch

Not join in

I wonder if I’m writing the last testament of humanity

Some other being will find it some day and see what our twilight years as a species were like

Brutal, heartless, apathetic to our dying planet

I wish this was a turning point

A point where the common person stopped accepting struggle as a promise of the Universe

Where we stopped making excuses for the suffering of others

I don’t want to suffer for the pleasure of billionaires anymore.

I didn’t want to when they were just millionaires and then we let them horde 1,000 more

I need to stay off of Facebook

I can’t take this rising tide

And the bigoted stuff that gets on my feed is just…

You want to think they’re all Epstein parasite class bots, but it’s disheartening to see thousands of people calling for your non-existence

And the rate at which the populace consumes propaganda is astounding

Hate organised by a paedophile

To point the finger at us

And I don’t know how anyone feels safe knowing bombs were dropped by our ally and our prime minister stood by it

You could say that a war thousands of kilometres away shouldn’t involve us

We’re citizens

Tell that to over a thousand Iranians

Including school children

And Israel acts with impunity in the name of a god who wouldn’t look twice at them because they couldn’t even keep the Ten Commandments

It sucks knowing what the damn rules are because I was told them and I always remember rules

I don’t know or even want to know if the Abrahamic god is real

I just know if they were, they’d be disgusted with us

Gave us a beautiful garden even though we broke the rules in theirs

Gave us the ability to learn anything and communicate freely

And we did this

I can’t see any Abrahamic god being happy with us

I know my own gods watch through their fingers

And wonder what the fuck we are doing

They have no laws, but they do have decency, and an understanding I will never understand

This is all so wrong

And everyone is just acting like it’s business as usual

When we’ve all got a target on our backs for being complicit in the second genocide by the Israeli government.

Being mentally ill does not invalidate a person

Being insane is not a sign of morality

These things are merely what tags on to a person through life

Can insane people be dangerous?

Absolutely, but we created that danger ourselves

And I’m sick of seeing people act as if because you’re mentally ill your opinion doesn’t matter

Like you can’t have sane thoughts

Like it’s impossible to be right and having a meltdown

Or a panic attack

Like it’s impossible to trust a person who is mentally ill

Like things they say about their own experiences must contain some measure of a lie or misrepresentation

If I discredited the allegedly sane based on how many allegedly sane have mistreated me, or lied, or what have you

It’d be the sane I’d vote for locking up

I’ve been mistreated by some insane people, and some mentally ill people

The allegedly sane take the cake

That’s how we got to where we are, right?

Following the allegedly sane people

And every once in a while we’d look back and go oh that one was insane, that explains everything

While conveniently ignoring all the allegedly sane people who committed monstrosities

No, that’s fine, they were sane

???

Meanwhile the allegedly sane march us to our doom

No one thinks maybe it’s time we listened to people we discounted for thousands of years

Collectively?

I bet us insane people have a better grip on what’s going on in the world than the allegedly sane do

People don’t seem to understand that mental health is a mirror of society

How it affects those of us who feel too much

I had this idea for a book where there was a logical race and a feeling race and the logical race had like subjugated and oppressed the feeling race

Different story, different setting

A little too close to home

Being mentally ill doesn’t change that there is a human being standing there

When they tell you their experiences, believe them

They probably demonized the mentally ill throughout the ages because their position on society was inconvenient

Dissenters were probably locked up and erased that way

They still are but in different ways

I’ll bet you that mentally ill angry guy on the street corner knows how this society works better than anyone housed and allegedly sane

And that the anger is not only warranted,

It’s self defense

It’s my birthday

There’s really nothing to celebrate

I could say I got this far, but the world is in shambles

I am not discounting that I got this far

But the world being in shambles kind of overweighs that

35

Heh

And here I was not planning to make it to 18

Now I’m determined to squeeze every second of life I get out of this world

I don’t know what comes after but I’ll miss the Sun

The Moon, the Earth

I hate mysteries

Yeah I’m alive

But I want this world to live on for generations after me

And nothing seems to stop the machine just destroying her

I don’t want to have a good life that spites the children

I have to ask, why people just suffer

It broke me to suffer

I wish people would be less hateful

Just in general, but also myself

I need to try harder not to hate humanity and instead hate what humanity does

Though I can’t think away the fault of every person who just sits in place

But of course they have guns

It would all crumble in a few days if we all refused to give our souls to this society anymore

Who was it?

Marie Kondo

Tell me, does society spark joy with you?

Because it doesn’t with me

If it doesn’t serve you anymore

Let it go

Not talking about life, of course

Life is the most precious thing you have

And they’ve been taking them from us

That is the worst thing they could possibly do

They’ve been working us until raw and broken

Then they hang you out to dry

35 and every year shit gets worse

But I’m holding on anyways

Mother fuckers

Nah, you know, this is just me again

This is just me seeing myself who was forced to apologise for everything under the Sun including being disabled

I wish I didn’t see myself

I wish I was separated from people

Now I apologise for everything

And people get mad at me for apologising

When they’ve done nothing but demand them from me

The amount of apologies I’ve given versus what I was owed is incredibly skewed

So if you cause harm, regardless of intentions, you’re a bad person

Regardless of ability

I hate being forced to apologise for things I can’t control

Being depressed is one of them

People always going on about how your disability affects them

Oh you poor so and so

I want to slice my arms off but you poor thing having to see I’m struggling that must be so hard

I’m so sorry I am depressed

I’m not what I’m supposed to be so I owe apologies

Except the world predetermined for me what I’m supposed to be

Involuntary

Still my fault right?

Constantly apologising for being disabled because I can’t do things

Sorry I’m so weak

Sorry I’m so tired

Sorry I’m so sad

Like the fault is mine

That’s apologising right?

Accepting fault

You accept that you’re a problem and try to fix it

How do you fix disability?

How do you do better?

Can you even fucking apologise for something you can’t improve?

Doesn’t that just make it empty apologies?

I was told not to make empty apologies

How do you apologise for something you can’t control?

I have been thinking about the insanity of making people say “excuse me” when they burp when it’s just something that every single animal with a gag reflex does

Blame, right?

It’s all about blaming people for their things

Tics, depression, chronic illness, using mobility devices

Sorry my wheelchair is in the way dude no one else who is standing in the way of anyone else is apologising

Apologising for taking space you need

Apologising for existing

Do you know how many times I have apologised for existing

Reactive trauma

Apologise for your disability really did it

And someone said apologising isn’t shame

What is it then?

You all group up and demand apologies

My sister would full on hit me, I’d swat back, and have to apologise while she said nothing

She broke my fucking wrist and never had to apologise

People loom and demand it like a fucking mantra

Apologise, just apologise, say it like you mean it, apologise for real, no that apology wasn’t good enough, I want a better apology

That’s not shame?

Fuck this world full of people, who should be apologising daily for allowing this society to continue, demanding apologies from disabled people for things they can’t control

Instead of seeing this as a moment where we consider that our society poisoned people with terrible words and statements

I’ve heard some pretty gnarly things from the mouths of people with Tourette’s

We should be studying why our society is so nasty that these words, phrases, and statements just permeate the air

Why they exist so freely that minds can get stuck on them

We should be paying attention to how we speak, not how people who have no control over some things they say speak

We should acknowledge that it is because racism, animosity, aggression, hate, and any number of other negative aspects of our culture has, exist that people with Tourette’s mirror them

Our society is the one to hold a mirror up to, not the individuals who were negatively affected by it

It’s not the person with Tourette’s that’s the problem it’s the society that provides them with all the things they’re stuck with

We made those words exist

We pervaded them

I hate how this society points the finger at everyone but itself

It’s not the person with the tics who’s the problem it’s the society that gave them the tics

If we had a kinder society, there would be less toxicity floating around for people to pick up

Instead of seeing people as a problem

Focus on what made them a problem

Life sucks

And the part that makes me the most mad about it is that we made it suck

Here we are, all us crazy individuals, to cause problems amongst eachother with our differences and sameness but we don’t like it when you do it

Here we are, promised a finite moment in this Universe on one single floating diamond.

And we said, you know? It’s not awful enough

Let’s have credit scores, and rape, and paedophilia, and racism, and homophobia, let’s have forced labour, conditional acceptance, and let’s just fuck over disabled people

Make it so if you don’t provide our society with what we deemed, before your birth, you owed, you suffer endlessly

Not just petty arguments

We said, you know? I don’t think we kill eachother well enough let’s make it more lethal and less humane

Let’s grow globally, not by working together and making life worth living, but with guns and force and shame and slavery

And people then go and say things like “that’s how the world is” as if this was always destined

Unstoppable

Predetermined

Not as if we’re living in a world where the bad guys won over and over and over and then?

We discovered the people running the planet are a global paedophile ring and we do nothing

No strikes. To unwillingness to feed the beast of child rape

Just the same old same old

Jesus could actually be born again, front page news

And all these people would still go to work like it was just another day

They say I’m over emotional

I’m half convinced I’m a better version because all of you are walking around going about your day like child rapists don’t run the world

Fucking react to something for god’s sake

Would it take a nuke going off by your head?

Would it take that split second before your body is dust to make you react?

It’s not fine

Nothing is fine

I wish I was some holy being so I could see this and decide it’s not worth it

Reality was a mistake

Not because the Universe is inherently cruel but because humanity is

And all these “Christians” so obsessed with going to hell

I gesture wildly around and say “are we not there yet?”

As sirens now wail in the distance, no doubt going to yet another drug overdose by some poor person society forgot

Have we not arrived?

None of you do anything

You’re tortured daily and you like it

I’m not going to fall in line and calmly accept that life is hell

Because it shouldn’t be, and someone down the line may have a better life because I never shut up

Life is something we should cherish

But we don’t