Elucidating Questions

Black lines on the windowsill

Up and up and up

What not you did you want to feel like I wonder

I’m still not sure where to go but I know I started to miss it

I just wish you wouldn’t hate me

Just like I miss the stars in nights I don’t see them

I get this yearning just to hear

I know the song I’m searching for isn’t out there yet

And I know you don’t think it’s for me

But I still listen

I still try to pry apart the pieces to see if I missed something

I don’t know what I’m searching for.

But I don’t think I can find anything

That will change my heart.

If I could find you now

In this ever changing town

I’d be one step closer to the answer why I found you in a darkened night when the time was right

No one saw the sight when they found me.

And I evade it now, all the reasons how

And why you’re not right beside me.

I would say I’m older than I was back then, but the times haven’t changed and the days stayed the same

Sometimes it overflows and even though I know you’d be better off alone I still find me

In places you once called in darkness all alone I tried to find the light I didn’t pick a side

I tried to find you there, but without a care you just continued on without me

If I looked under the bed would it wake the dead that’s taken over my every day nothing?

And if I mourned you there would you even care or would I see you laughing at me softly.

I’ve never felt more alive than when I saw you thrive but now I see I’ve been looking at nothing

Or so I tell myself, to keep it on the shelf and stop the words I want from overflowing.

Somewhere in your eyes I see such wonderful skies there’s nothing left to hide I know you’re thinking

But when you hide the light and keep away the bright

Blue or grey I love them like the storm that is your life I carry it on my side because I love every time

Even the ones that hurt because they brought you first and foremost to me

And my broken battered heart.

It can’t be over because the rain is still falling

It can’t be too late because my heart still beats

It can’t be beyond saving if the stars still shine

It can’t be wrong if you hand fits in mine

If I had a chance to tell you everything that ever needed to be explained.

I’m so far away from being able to explain

The hole in me that feels like it must be filled somehow

In my soul don’t get stuck to it now

Desperate to see and feel anything

When he touches me it’s been days

Except to change money between hands

I haven’t been touched in weeks

Do you know how much worse that makes it for me

I can’t explain why I need it, contact.

But at the same time I’m so afraid to

Trust anyone because it’s been so long

If only I could hold on to someone.

Anyone.

I get so desperate all alone.

I love him, but I don’t want him,

He’s just filling the void for a short amount of time.

I’m not very good at being a person.

Staring in morbid amazement at my muscles as they appear on a screen.

There’s nothing there.

Dammit.

I wanted there to be something there so it wasn’t just an extreme pain for the fun of it

Damn my body to hell.

How do I forgive my own body for doing this shit to me all the time?

If I had something concrete I wouldn’t have to hate myself for having no control over how much it hurts.

If only I could turn it off.

Stop fighting me.

Stop telling me not to speak my mind

I know you panic the second I bite

But it’s how I get out every little thing

The pain I feel is swallowing whole and the silence of a word unread won’t cause any other pain

Besides,

My ears are burning.

That’s the western thing, sneezing is the same.

I wonder if it means anything or depends on who’s talking.

Does it get sent according to the culture?

There’s a white box to my left.

The words we use are sharp and small.

Tiny glass shards.

First of all fuck you.

Second of all a sound that can only be described as a human’s howl of longing.

Because every one is a story of you at a time I never knew you

I wish I had stronger words

Everyone says it

I love you

But there isn’t a deep enough word

Even the oceans don’t measure the depth of a feeling I get pulled into like a wave

The sight of you fills my batteries until they feel like they’ll explode.

But you still don’t see me.

But you still don’t want to see me.

I think you’re wrong.

Whatever it is.

If everything could change for a moment

If I could make it better

Whatever I did.

I wish I had the words you want.

Why isn’t I love you enough?