Elucidating Questions

What you couldn’t sleep and so you decided to feel shit about your own feelings

Am I supposed to feel bad for you

I don’t feel bad for me

Why would I bother

Oh you poor things

Rotting in the dark

You did it to yourself before why would I feel anything for it

Awake all night all alone in the hours that never end drowning?

I have no idea what that’s like.

I haven’t begged for it to end.

I don’t want to be in love ever again

It always hurts instead

It always hurts instead

I want to pour out every colour I ever mixed and throw it all down the drain

You say you’re sorry

That’s unfortunate

That’s the answer right?

This is your life now while staring at his face.

You’re so so sorry

That sucks.

You still failed.

The blue sky didn’t suit instead just grey

Dark and grey

And when the rain falls the feathers you stole from me will weave into the nothingness you left behind

He leaves you there to rot

Watch as his life continues perfectly

Watch as you fall and laughs as you go

Midnight sickness and hours of nothing pouring into themselves with the water of poison and expecting

Running through like a fool

Foolish

You’ll never be what you think you are.

You’re nothing.

He knows it.

I can barely feel the heat on my face but my body is too warm

I wonder why we continue this way when there’s nothing more

I remember how it feels to be completely invisible

The desperate scrambling

For no good reason.

No you don’t

He doesn’t care.

There’s no struggling from your fate.

You’ll come back to this place.

You’ll make the same fucking mistakes.

You fail to even make him smile

You fail to even draw his eye

You’re nothing

You’ll continue to be nothing

You’ll continue just like I do

Pretending being here is worth it

Pretending that he ever saw you

Pretending to be real.

Watching with sick interest

As I go through moments when I thought something good would finally happen

All the times it didn’t.

Why are you bothering you’re just going to let him erase it

Why are you bothering you’re just going to fail.

I wonder if I’m too hard on myself

But then I see the aftermath

I’m not nearly hard enough on myself

You fail

You fail

You fucking fail

Keep that in mind while you run blindly into nowhere and let everything tear you apart

Keep that in mind when you tell him you love him

Keep it in fucking mind.

I know you didn’t listen.

You’re going to fail

I whisper to myself

You’re going to wish away the rest of this year

Write stupid notes in your stupid book and then without so much as a hint of fear

You’ll jump right in.

I want you to remind me what you believed would catch you so you wouldn’t fall

I want to know why you trusted it so much you weren’t afraid to jump

I want to know why you’re even going to bother

How much did you expect when it’s always all about her.

I don’t want to hear anything more about how perfect and beautiful and wonderful

She is

Because she is.

And I’m not and I’ll be forever reminded whenever I miss him so much I can’t stand it and I decide I’ll just get lost in his voice at least I have that much

That I’m not.

I wish I could whisper you tales of the time we first met.

You’re going to wander the beach

Then the forest

Then to places you haven’t been

Then back to the beach

Then back to the forest

You’re going to do that until you see the video

And then you’re going to break.

Indignant through tears he’ll never see or notice.

Or care about.

I want to lash out because it’s so tender and raw that all the words reach it in a sharp

Dark way

I cover it up, in bones and sinew.

I cover it up, in silence and bury it beneath.

It’s not about me.

It’s about a love that will transcend the ages.

If I can’t love him I’ll love them all

And I turned it outward to the stars

Because all I learned in my time here is

It doesn’t matter how much you love

Or how.

I created galaxies with the love I would never know.

I slip into the sun and hope he can keep me and my broken heart warm.