Elucidating Questions

You want me to write about you for fucking hours?

Fine I’ll do it. I’ll write for hours

About your hair and your face and your stupid cheekbones and your jaw line and your

Eyes

Are never the right colour again after it changes and I knew it right away because it’s too obvious

You never listened to a word I told you you just lay there next to me assuming I couldn’t have any idea what I was talking about

I miss you lying there

Moments in between sleep when I woke next to the feeling of you

Then the next morning I woke somewhere different

I thought I would wake with you

But you were never there

I miss that stupid surprised look on your face and the way I knew your voice and wanted to hear it so badly it aches

Come home.

Please come home?

Or come bring me home so this story can end and I never have to be here again.

You told me the responsibility was fine because I was worth it

I wonder if you were lying

You were probably lying

Fucker.

Come here so I can slap you again for the first time ever and then hug you like I did.

I love him by the way

It’s your fault for being late

I love him too

But he doesn’t see me

And neither do you.

I used to think all his songs were from you.

I wish I never knew

You aren’t here.

And no one will ever catch my dream.

Force him to eat

Force feed him

Enjoy the fucking mooncake under the sun.

It’s his light anyways that shows her face for what it is,

Marked and destroyed with the remains of skeletons of thousands of rocks.

Millions?

No I’m not worrying about it yes I’m worrying about it leave me to worry in silence I will always worry about him

Don’t force me to eat I have no drive to do it.

How many yous do I have to say goodbye to before you say hello to me?

How many times do I sort through the wreckage of this place and come immediately back to you before you see me seeing you seeing me

I may be made of paper and glass but I flew here for a reason and it keeps being you.

It keeps being you so shut up and sit down for a moment while I have no idea who or what

No

You

Stop.

I’m just an unfortunate meeting of cells that decided to explode

I came for you

From somewhere so far away I’ll never find home

But you’re not here

If you were you wouldn’t be here because you’re a stubborn fuck who doesn’t ever listen to me

If you’re not being a coward you’re blowing shit up for stupid reasons

If you’re not stuck in your own mind maze of indecision and shame and guilt you’re pretending none of it exists so you don’t have to think about it and try to drink it away

You’re fucking stubborn and you should be here for me to yell at because you can’t hear a fucking word I’m telling you and you still don’t care do you?

Because caring is just so hard for you.

Because you’re afraid everyone will hurt you because they have hurt you and not one of them offered you an apology you deserved

My eyes are burning with flames so bright the sun can’t burn into my retinas but

You’re not here.

You or your fucking cat.

You’re not who I thought you were.

I’m getting tired of hide and seek.

Nevermind.

Do you remember when you taught me about a dessert I’d never heard of.

Do you remember what you’ve taught me about loyalty and Love.

I’m wearing a skirt you would wear differently.

On stage.

You’re prettier than me. I made you to be on stage because I knew I would never be.

I’m too ugly for a spotlight.

All the people I introduced you to are beautiful like you

There are no ugly people who have to live through the ugliness of themselves in the day.

No suffering from looking in the mirror.

You are the perfect idol.

You smile and hide behind your mask and be beautiful in your way in the spotlight

You live the life I always wanted

You have everything I always wanted.

The twins are always with you somehow.

You got to keep them.

I never get to keep them, they always leave.

You’re prettier than me.

You’ll always be so much prettier than me.

I wish I could be pretty like you.

I wish people loved me like they love you.

I wish I could bring Love to life and step into the role and be you.

In my mind in my heart.

Someone who lives

Outside the house

Out from the roof

Lost in a time.

An interval of time.

In heavens above the roof

A person

Living outside, out of the air

Above the air

If the heavens continue ever outward

Outside of the house, outside of the roof

Somewhere in the interval of time.

Built of above the roof

Thousands, the hook.

The day the fields under the ceiling, the sun.

When you look up outside,

Which way is up?

I watch cyclists

Rollerbladers

I have enough trouble standing on my own two feet I envy their speed but

My own two feet

Less wheels less blades less balancing

Like every step is above pointed toes and my heels don’t touch the ground.

Tiptoes everywhere

Flat footed wooden places.

The forest is the only place I can walk

I don’t fall in the dirt and I can hear every step echoed back from the dirt clay granite clay dirt

Thump

Down the path no slipping or sliding no wheels.

Waiting for another day when my too weak ankles drop me and I limp from place to place

The physical representation of myself

Broken and held in place.

I loved loving him

I loved loving him so much that I know I’ll never have love like that again.

He was everything.

I wanted to walk through the dirt paths together.

Together

Just once

Why wouldn’t he walk with me?

A leaf falls to join me

Sitting.

Are we friends now?

Join with stick and other leaf and mushrooms and grass

I’ll tell you all the things I’m never saying outloud again.

I’ll whisper you secrets of ancient magic lost and love going to waste

To waste

Always going to waste.

Always hurting instead.

I don’t have names for them because they are pieces of us

Skin over top of nothing solid like a bag with no zipper to escape.

Let me out

Please let me out

I’m begging you to let me out

For the love of the gods let me out.

The stick is dead and sick.

The leaves are dead and brittle.

The grass greenish the mushrooms coming up from something else.

Faerie circles.

I never wanted to be here all alone.

I thought even one of them would come.

The enemy

The other side

The other side

I see no one there you keep pointing but there is no one there.

I wish I had an enemy.

Then I’d have something closer to a friend than I have now.

The scars on my face and the scars on my arms and the scars on my legs and the fever

You could do so much better than me any day.

Mommy why am I here?