Elucidating Questions

I wonder if I took any of my medication this morning

Obviously not my heart medicine

Which would explain why I couldn’t wake up today

Seeking bed early

So exhausted

All the gentle stars are on this side of the house

No way to know how far away they are

It’s so quiet

In this night

I feel my loneliness magnified by it

There could be not a soul but the stray car off on the highway

My dreams have been sinking into nothingness

But last night

He was there

They were

What about?

I can’t remember

Pokemon are breaking through the revolution

So you do have the ability to react to the day

I just suppose there’s nothing happening

I can’t dream without living it

And I’m not living much of anything

I could have survived the day without remembering

That he was there

A star disappearing behind a tree

I wish I could wish me a better life

Tried so hard

A heart like shape in lights

As one disappears another takes its place

And then it came out from behind the tree

And there were more than before

The sky is so beautiful

It’s hard to hurt below it

Fall has arrived

I know because I can now feel Winter

Summer can only put off his sleep for so long

Then off to visit other places

I wish I had a mission like the seasons

It’s not nice missing someone I don’t know

Tricks

Was that a no?

It’s not going to work

I’m not going to fall for it anymore

Missing figments

That’s not an applicable question anymore

Today it doesn’t matter

As much as yesterday it didn’t matter

And every day before that

The day it changes?

That I actually get a say in my loneliness?

Maybe I’ll answer you then

Maybe not

I’m always overthinking

That’s the whole point

This is just where I put the overthinking

I think I’m exhausted beyond wondering

It’s like the connection between my soul and my body is broken

Someday

Someday I want to have someone to talk to when the night presses in

Until then I’m going to bed

To face another day alone

I feel so restless

Like I’m supposed to be doing something

But there’s nothing specific to do

I feel like I’m running out of time sometimes

Those moments that grab me from behind

I don’t know why my mind reminds me

I could live ignorant of that one fact

This human condition of knowing it comes

And that time is wasting

That I’m no closer to my dream than I ever was

Unattainable

Why did I choose this dream?

Now, dreamless

Only the night’s stories to entertain me

The daylight doesn’t show an image

No, rather, it shows the absence of an image

I am unsure where to go from here

You say no more wasted days?

What’s the alternative?

I’m glad you feel alive

But these days aren’t going anywhere

I’m just last place

I’m just always last place

A thought dismissed

I’m just a person you don’t think about

A ghost who ceases to exist when out of frame

This side character-ness

To miss my friends I’d have to have friends

To miss my love I’d have to have one

Why does the music feel accusatory today?

That’s better

Now the question is did I summon this song or did I sense it in the queue?

How do I get better at being me without practice?

I want to improve

But how do I do that?

I can improve my Japanese because I can practice it

You never gave me a chance to practice being me

I feel unfulfilled

I feel unutilized

Like I have potential I’m not reaching

Is this the death throes of grades and “not meeting expectations”?

If I can shake it

Can I finally stop feeling like it’s not enough?

It’s not enough

This life

Devices devices devices

I’m still right where I was

And I feel like

Like your solution is just to throw wasting time at me until I die

I feel so terrified that the end is coming because my life this far has been

So unfulfilling

I wish I could make a change

But what?

I wish I could chat with the village people and they’d tell me hints like in video games

I don’t know why I ran back here

Let me just hold reality away

Pretend for a second

It’s not even one I like that much

I want to sing

I miss the Sun

Six and down

Rude

I can’t look at things that I want and think I want that too

Because I’ve been taught some things aren’t for me

And usually love is one of those things

Affection shocks me

Knowing I’m on the mind of someone makes me want to cry

I can’t look at that and think I want it

Because no one said it was for me

It must be nice to visualise nice things for yourself

The only things I visualise are daymares of people doing and saying terrible things to me

Because apparently if it’s not really happening my brain has to prepare me for it

Did you catch the hitch?

Oh he’s back

It’s another one of the ones I don’t really like

You underestimate forever

Now now

We’re not doing that anymore

I said I’d do it

But I lied I guess

It’s nice that it worked out though

だってさー自分に関係ない

Oh hahaha my Time reference came back

What are you, a dog?

I throw it out there and you bring it back

I don’t know why this happens

I’ve thought

Echo? Ripple?

Surely it can’t be me just knowing things

I’d have less time to find ripples in Time if I had someone to talk to

I wish I could be part of the world

Even though it’s terrible

I still want to be accepted

But that may be another thing that’s not for me

It could be I’m just not meant to know anyone but my own mind slowly wasting away

I just wish

Someone would tell me

Is this it?

Is all my life going to be the carrot of connection baiting me forward into more solitude?

Death can’t be that bad

But if that’s all you’re dragging me along to meet

I might as well just go straight to him, no?

If this is the ending where my ancient fear is stamped out

I’d have to stop living that fear, yeah?

Oh great the jackhammer is back

It’s funny how silence creeps in

And you don’t even realise until the noise that stopped comes back

I was terrified of ending up alone

Because that’s what my dad said would happened

And I’d been lonely all my life, hiding myself away in self defence

Never feeling like anyone knew me

And then I finally put myself on the outside

There’s no one left to know

God that jackhammer

I’ve had this coming and going headache

And this is not helping

It’s not

Consumed by the pounding that is reverberating in my skull

Fuck

Sometimes I get aphasia moments

I can’t remember a word and then a swear word comes out instead

That wasn’t one of those moments

But I always wonder whether I’m swearing because I can’t remember the word

Or if that’s the word my brain gave me

I can’t write like this

All I hear is metal and rumbling and rattling and pressure

I hope it breaks

I don’t care if it’s expensive

Loud construction is just obnoxious and it’s been constant for like a year now people have just been making loud noises around here

Wow it’s not even a jackhammer

It’s a fucking construction vehicle with a jackhammer attached

Apparently my neighbour has decided to tear up his entire driveway

What a self centered prick

This is going to take hours

Fuck

My head hurts

This is ridiculous

Did you notice me noticing you and completely ignoring you?

I’ll take that as a yes

This sky

Is never what I want

In the Summer it’s clear

But light, so no stars

But then when the darkness comes back the clouds do to

What was my observation about this song being covered today?

The original singer already had an unassuming tone, now this one is just unassuming overload

Now here’s my rock cover of it

Do you see me ignoring the contents of the song?

Does the Universe have skin?

Like…

Most things in the Universe seem to have skin

Outer layers

Time after time

Does the Universe?

What is it made of?

What does it feel like?

Can I touch it?

Don’t excuse me, these are the important questions

I still want to know what petting the Sun feels like

He looks fluffy

I’m not going to let you break my mood

With your requests for yearning

Because the bad mood Pichu shocked the Meowth whose skeleton showed, so Cubone thought he was a friend and waved his bone, so Merrill spontaneously sang, and created a rhythm, so the Bellossom started dancing and when they started dancing the Pichu’s bad mood got better

Japanese people scare me with their abilities to speak Japanese at Mach speed

But it was cute so I’m in a good mood

Just like the Pichu

And the loneliness is banging on the walls

Trying to get in

And it’s in the night that I want to reach

Did I choose?

I haven’t learned, then

Since I can’t remember choosing

I don’t know how to not choose again

Only one of us had a choice

Mine was decided by the threads of madness

Woven in

I want to know the direction of relief

Where can I go to ease this ache I now carry?

And thousands of broken hearts later it doesn’t tear like it did

Much like beaten flesh it just aches

So I can leave it in this condition

Within me though

I don’t know why you went through that trouble

I don’t want to relive it

It’s alright

It’s okay

Just keep it quiet for a while

Maybe it will heal with Time

I should italicize that it’s dripping in sarcasm

There

No

But it doesn’t matter though

It’s an okay day today

Just have to pull this mess along with me

Oh, you’ll be fine

If I’m fine

If I worry about you

I won’t stop

You did come in like a wrecking ball

And now my heart hurts

Thought it was someone else

Why do you do this?

Happenstance?

I think I had one stray thought

But that was it

And then you smashed into me with emotion

My whole chest aches

Heartache is so strange

I wanted to yearn

“That’s so funny”

Happenstance

Crashed right into me

You won’t trick me

I don’t know why you try to trick me

I won’t want

You can’t make me

Even if the answer is still the same

He won the game

It’s a different place now

Wish I’d brought my headphones after all

Listening to people gleefully happening to bump into each other

辛い

No casually bumping today

Who knows if that scoff was aimed at me

Waiting for the day someone claims I don’t need my walker

The wolf’s truck (not his truck but the same one he used to drive that always makes me miss him)

Ludeness alert

I found a toy that’s way better than a human so

I honestly don’t really miss him that much anymore

He used his penis well

That’s about as far as his redeeming qualities went

But there’s another random happenstance

Why are you testing me?

I hope everyone gets home safely today

Don’t know why but that’s there

Just saw some kids driving

Personal opinion? Anyone under 19 should not be driving

I know adults wanted to be lazy and hated driving their kids everywhere

But that’s a whole child behind the wheel of a dangerous weapon

Ugh I just want to go home and be over this day

Working is hard

I get so tired

A conversation I don’t want to have

Handydart showed up

All my nails are falling off

I’m so tired

I just don’t have the energy for being friendly to strangers after work

I just want to sit quietly

I just want to enjoy my solitude for the moment I can

Before it chokes me alive again

Oh good now they’re listening to music on their phone on the bus

Why this?

Why?

It’s like the world is currently trying to annoy me

Get some reaction

I just want peace, for a moment

I’m so hungry

I woke up hungry and then drank a protein shake instead

They’re labeled “not meant to be a meal replacement”

Too bad

But now I’m very hungry

Existing in two seperate worlds

Unaware of eachother

I wish the thing beyond my consciousness in the dark was him

Because then it wouldn’t be a completely made up something

Then I wouldn’t have to wonder why

Such a long way away from what I thought

It was heartening to see the amount of orange shirts today

I have to remember this year

It’s important to me but I suck at remembering about the shirt

Couldn’t tell you why

Buy one now would probably be the best way to solve that

But I can’t commit to buying one because every time I go to buy one I start wondering if it’s actually an indigenous run business

Freaking out about that aspect of it

I’m always like okay I’ll buy one from a local person

Then it never happens

My brain

Ugh

I don’t know why we drove right near my house and then pulled some place else

Now we’re heading out to Sooke apparently

I would like to go to sleep

I didn’t even put my eyes in this morning

I noticed halfway through my first hour of work

My eyes feel naked

I wish to sleep

Just a bit further and then I’ll be home

BC finally made Truth and Reconciliation Day a stat

I don’t know how I feel

Should I really be getting time and a half because some poor child was torn from their living mother

Shipped away

Assaulted

Probably killed?

But I just read BC’s “unveiling” of it becoming a stat

They’re like we consulted indigenous peoples and they said it should be a stat

But then they go on to say

And then we consulted businesses

So, like, the indigenous people saying it should be wasn’t enough for you?

Had to double check with your capitalist masters first?

I completely forgot to buy a shirt so instead I’m dressed in the most bland thing I possibly could

Which coincided with me feeling like shit and not even wanting to get dressed at all

So, no fun colours today

Besides my mage coat, but that’s keeping me warm

I don’t really know the point of this day

You’ve got Tim Hortons making commemorative doughnuts

Like, that just blows my mind

What, you didn’t make enough money off exploiting indigenous people the first time?

But now I’m feeling like

I’m making time and a half while there is a homeless indigenous person out there on this cold morning

I say “a”, there are thousands, but in relation to me let’s make me responsible for one person

It just doesn’t feel right

I wish I could actually do something.