Elucidating Questions

I feel slightly off today

Can’t quite place what it is though

My arms finally stopped screaming from me pulling apart the sink

Trying to decipher between wind and rain

It’s wind for now

I don’t know why I feel like this

Like I just feel like I’m in a bad mood

But there’s no reason to be

I feel trapped

But I don’t know why

Trying to search my memory for something that might have turned my mood

But I can’t

I’m so exhausted

Probably the weather still flip flopping

I’m lonely

That’s not new, but it’s

切ない

Painful sad

Right now

It’s been a while I guess

A month

Since I truly interacted with anyone

A month and a few days

Maybe it’s the loneliness gripping me

It’s more than malaise

I feel stubborn

Like I am actively not doing something that has been asked of me

But I recall no order?

Feelings are a mystery

I wish I had an identifier

I feel heavy

Like I’m carrying to much

But I’m always carrying too much so what’s new?

And I feel frustrated not being able to identify what’s wrong

Something’s out of sync

But what?

Enter the green goblin

And the music conceded

Yes he has entered

Can’t see you yet though

Funny how that happens

That spider was large

Like small animal sized large

That spider or a small field shrew

I don’t know which would be bigger

Why are you so far North?

Ah well

Do you quit though?

Do you?

Wow

Double green goblin

Hoot hoot

You and they seem to be fighting over this

Jupiter time

Jupiter and Saturn but you’re at opposite ends of the sky time

I’m not full of Saturn yet

You can 鳴る all you like though

Oh that new word I just learned

唱える

Learning things again is great

Great not quite a ball of fire

Ah I struggle with you

Your claim to have no problem with me

I have every problem with you

Justice

Death is easy

Watcher and welcomer

But you?

I can’t quite grasp your concept

How is making others suffer for causing suffering justice?

Maybe we’ve confused it

Always with the

It’s not quite like that

And your hesitant acceptance of it

That I’m

不満

With what humans think is justice

But there you are

Sparkling visage

An undeniable force?

Death is undeniable

The Universe’s strange sense of justice

You know it when it happens

Sometimes it’s awful

This is why I hesitate

You hesitate with my hesitation

Well, possibly, you’ve been on the other side of the planet and haven’t seen me

And I greet you with fire as usual

How you pulsed through me in thunderous weather

正義か

You know I can’t be content with a system that causes pain for mistakes

And the inability for any human to truly know whether another did something on purpose or not

And to what degree?

There is always a part of me

Wedded to old fashioned

They did wrong so fuck em

Justice

And it is that part of me

A find unsatisfying in you

I’m aiming for synergy

Punishment

All you remember is the punishment

Not what you did wrong

If you kill my friend, and then I kill you, and then your other friend kills me

All for revenge

Everyone just dies miserably, exponentially

Watch I just summoned something with this terrible misremembered translation quote

But really

Is it justice to “beat” the person’s wrong with your own?

How does the Universe face executioners?

Yes you are an apt subject when the US has gone execution happy

But, truly?

How do you?

How do you meet society’s sanctioned mass murderers?

It doesn’t seem right

To give a mortal that power

Not killing

Doesn’t that seem like a better idea?

Speaking of not killing things

I hope whatever I just rescued from the dog lives

It’s too dark to see

And peering behind a thing into the dark is how you get destroyed by terrified wild things

I wish I knew

An easy answer

To bring harmony here

It feels like justice works against that

How many innocent people have been erased in the name of you?

Also your Greek counterpart

Is an unapologetic rapist and misogynist

In fact, I’ve never met a god of justice who didn’t suck

Apparently I’m getting worked up

Yes calm

It’s so easy to get caught up in you

And all the things I can’t be content with

I also want to see you

Curse this duality

I should have made you the god of something else

You are now the god of cupcakes

I’m sure I’d find a way to find an issue with that too

Can’t settle on you

Have to run back to the arms of my safe place

To dreams

Yeah, you deserve a whole thing just for you

So private I don’t know whether you would have accepted me or not

But you were in my life

As a kind older lady

And you were one of the reasons I didn’t want to abandon Harry Potter at first

I watched you in so many roles

One of the best actors of your generation, mine too

I do just want to high five you

What a freaking epic life you lived

You may think you could do better

I’m sure you do

But take a moment to be proud of your life

It held so much

You held so much in your capable hands

I, even when you were playing stricter characters, felt this great kindness breaking through

Ah, I’m sad

But I’ve started feeling like

Lives well lived

Instead I want to congratulate them

Why?

Influence of the Death being?

Who knows

I’m so impressed with your life

Humbled

Thank you for sharing yourself with the world

Rest well

安らかに

眠いニャー

I’ve been listening to Nyath for too long

The meowing is entering my Japanese

And then my headphones conne-nya

They do

It’s funny

I was just agonising over how it would feel to die

Just something that I do

Because my mind likes to remind me at random

You’re gonna die

I’m like yup, that’s terrifying let’s think about it for a bit

The prospect of me not existing

What that would feel like

Terrifying

Thanks brain

While interacting with me please remember that I am terrified of most people

I feel like every interaction is a test I’m going to fail

If I couldn’t put anything into words

I definitely thought about it

Why is the Cosmic DJ angsty tonight?

I used to think all sorts of things

But it’s just some being

Just like all the rest

A rather keen individual

If I say give me power

What is your response?

Hah

A joke and then the punch

Oh Outlaw Star I forgot you earlier

You poor baby

This song has been with me

Since then

Just love, just dreams, just you

And the meaning opened up to me

Every time it came back around I understood more

Yes

Power indeed

I forget that

That knowing Japanese gives me a type of power

Knowing any language does

Opens up a world to you, one you would never interact with otherwise

The intricacies of language and culture intertwined

It is a precious thing

I forget that

That my stubbornly playing Japanese games and looking up the kanji is just me studying more

Omg we’re back to the angst

DJ, baby, who hurt you?

Who, you?

Ugh

Hope to die indeed

As if

Uno reverse

I’m living for absolutely no reason

But it’s working

I think

何と無くニャー

No, it feels silly coming from me

He’ll purr for you though

Someone has to know the magic words to calm him

Ah well

It felt like time was running out 7 years ago

Now it feels like it could go on forever

If not for my mind reminding me several times on the daily

Memento Mori

Thanks Pharos

Sometimes I think the best day of my life already happened

So it’s already over

It’s over, right?

Don’t listen to it

How it yearns

Fool

Ever your fool

You’re the one that drew the card

Right?

Yes it seems to find me

Am I?

Aren’t I?

The music is failing me

Can’t let it go

You don’t understand what control this is taking

Of course

Not that it would matter, but I have to keep myself kept

It was such a profound break that I can’t touch the remains

But how could I ever hate them?

Saw a meme today where someone rejected hated the people who found love without him

That couldn’t be me

It would never be me

だって愛してるモン

It felt like it was being suggested to me

This point of view

And I rejected it

Rejected that thought pattern

Woe as I may be

Crushed

The goal was not my happiness

I feel words on my lips

How they’d pour if I let them

Happiness is something I’d rather see on every face before my own

So a dream will never be realised

I can’t give it anymore one more chances

I would give it though

In exchange for nothing

To everyone

Those themes from anime in the 90s

Some of them are better than the original

The Pokemon theme song for sure

Songs are so much nicer without casual sexual harassment, yeah?

The English one is better

Heck even the tune is more catchy

90s anime tended to have very bland, tasteful, sweet, no grit songs

Obviously there were outliers

Looking at you Cowboy Bebop

But even the more adult aimed ones were pretty tame

The first line of the theme in Japanese is

For instance, from within fire, within the water, within the grass, from within the forest

The first line in English is

I want to be the best, like no one ever was

Sort of sets the tone for the song

Props, however, to Satoshi’s voice actor

Because holy fuck can her mouth produce words at an alarming speed

The Digimon themes are hard because the English one is a freaking bop

But the Japanese one

All the adjectives I used above

But still really good

The thing is they’re all still really good

Maybe it’s because they’re precious memories

Man, singing in Chinese and writing in English is hard

But I have sing this one

Because she had such passion

And then cancer killed her

Fuck cancer

Anyways

Different theme songs

Other things I found the original and preferred it though

And I still cannot handle English dubs

Just can’t

There’s something resembling Uncanny Valley about it

I’m sure there are Japanese people feel the same about Japanese dubs

It’s like it’s all sarcastic

I don’t know

It would take an essay to describe

I need to disappear into history for a while

I thought it would be scary

But, yeah, that’s what I found

Did you leave it there for me?

Did I?

Love

Like all the bad memories wrapped around them never existed

Just the love of the things I was watching left

I know I was never the type to keep track of the terrible things people did to me

But I was expecting the pain to be wrapped up in the memories

I feel bad for that little kid who cried when they missed an episode and their parents said “you can watch it later”

So some 20 years later here we are

Here’s later kid

I can feel them stitching the story together inside me

Oh so that’s how it’s supposed to go

Enjoying the new with the old

Things I never got to do growing up

This time of year I tend to reject the dark

Even though it’s just about the perfect mix of night and day

Because I know it’s going to get worse

Pulling when seasons change?

Rather being bulldozed

The weather, finicky, and confused

Won’t pick a setting long enough to let me get used to it

It would be in my best interest to just keep fighting

But this is the season when I want to lay down and rest

One step forward

Firmly

With purpose

But I’m no closer to where I want to be

My tamagotchi said to her partner

Stop waiting for your soulmate and get married to me!

And I thought I’d take that

If it was offered

Instead nothing is

I’ve scraped together what I have

Clawed it to me

But it’s all things

I have no actual support system

No one is really trying to help me escape my solitude

I know I’m not alone

In that you’re with me

Like you’re with all living things

But from my position

Tiny

Unprotected

With you running ahead laughing

Knowing all, yet nothing

Everything that could be

Thus knowing but not

You can’t say which of those many possibilities is the real one

Sometimes you fake like you do

It’s worked in your favour before

But you can only be wrong so many times before it becomes obvious

You’re running

But you’re as lost as I am

This cosmic ride we’re on

You’re the leader

But you have no idea where we’re going

And you watch it solemnly

And then the laughter comes

Like you just got some joke the Universe was telling

And then zoom

Off you go again

Never within my reach

Always beside me

Always beside all of us

It takes you to heal

But it also took you to make the wounds

As sour as you are sweet

As spicy as you are bitter

I never know whether the saltines is you or my tears peering into you

Every flavour imaginable and yet

There are moments you are like swallowing the worst meal ever prepared

Taking you

Walking in you

Away from the memories

Away from what slips so silkily from our fingers

As you pass us by

And, no, I don’t feel older

Just a weary traveller

Age stopped mattering so long ago

There is only me here

I don’t really care about arbitrary things like how many times I went around the Sun

Isn’t it a shame he’ll never know my honest feelings?

So much gathered all around it

Changing its shape

But beyond the hurt of silence

There was still someone who genuinely wished for nothing but

Well, I guess this

This is what he wanted

That you’re there

And I’m here

Don’t forget it

I won’t forget it

Ever