Elucidating Questions

No regrets I made it this far

Painted in regret for trying to give myself away and not having it received.

It doesn’t die

It just lies here in wait for me to see the wrong thing so it can put me under again.

It’s a tool people use to destroy it.

Destroy me over and over.

Not living for anything except I just can’t drop

If it was that easy.

I can’t see myself a future I want because it was never offered to me.

Nothing to want or aim for that I actually want.

It’s just a straight line from here to the end and I want it more than anything in between

They say it’s about the journey but I don’t have anywhere to be going to or coming from anyways

Nothing

And then nothing

Stop handing me hope when it can’t ever happen

When I don’t want anything to happen because nothing can make this better

Close the damn window and cover up the light with stories of other people’s life

And I’m not afraid of it

Bring it on.

The mournful cry of a fall bird the burst of speed of bugs as they pass outside the window

An eagle cries

There’s no lady left in the lady

Don’t bother her she’s thinking of all the things you never said.

Lost in a maze of heartache

She didn’t even cry for him it went immediately off and up and straight to the city with too many buildings

And too much history that never happened

All I remember is I’m sorry

And there were messages with things I said but they didn’t come through

I don’t remember them try again I would know them in daylight

Midnight mutterings and it probably has something to do with the activity but who has time to connect the dreams back to reality

I woke up again and you’re still not here

It’s not the morning I wanted

And he wanted to make me cry so I did

I just do whatever is expected whatever they want.

Just a tool to move through the process of life.

I’d have to be stupid to think anyone could love me like I am.

I’m not stupid anymore.

The fork in the garbage disposal.

I saw what they did there but I had no one to show.

And no one knows.

So why should I care?

You ruined my day before I could ruin it by myself.

Come swinging in with your attacks that don’t answer the question.

I got to talk to him for a short amount of time in my dreams and I would have been bad enough to wake up and remember

I don’t remember anything but the moment it came in my dream and it felt right.

But you took even my own chance to ruin my own day with tricks of the light.

Your teeth are ice.

You keep telling me what I already know but you just didn’t want to answer the question

And you know how to make me cry so you went for that instead

Right where it hurts every time when I was trying to lift you up just a bit.

I know I’m not good at it but it’s all I can do and you still just

Bite

It’s fine.

When I scream you don’t hear it

And when you snap the rabbit’s neck and the cat wanders in

Tears in coffee.

How fucking poetic.

In confidence I have nothing.

Nothing to show nothing to stand by nothing.

What does it look like the box mark confidence

In confidence it’s just pictures of other people and there’s nothing about me in here.

You can build your ego on your own and stand on your accomplishments

I have nothing

No call to fame nothing to my name

No great feats or things I did so right

Nothing

So don’t tell me to find it because it’s not real

It doesn’t exist

No big dance numbers with cases no confidence in confidence

Alone

It was in the box

I’m not.

There are too many thoughts

Just leave me alone to the night and my headache

And watching with defeat as his favourites get their handout

And wishing I could at least be a favourite

Say something right for once instead of thinking instead of

The oddness of it

Of thousands of people knowing your name and your face and your story and having you who knows not one of them

And afraid any of them knows you

There’s too many thoughts I’m trying to stay awake asleep because I got back to the

If I sleep tomorrow comes place and even if I could be entertained by twin insomnia

Sometimes it’s like so we’re in our respective slots in life sitting silently in the night at rectangles at the same ish time.

What a concept what a concept.

Not a word was said and not a word was spoken.

But they passed freely through the process.

Of time.

But my phone still hasn’t gone off to tell me I’m important

And it won’t.

I’m ready

Desperate

For the end.

I am desperate for this to be the last

I’m desperate for I don’t care if there is nothing just this to be over

I don’t want daytime to come again or tomorrow to be a better day

Because there’s no tomorrow

There’s no tomorrows that could make my life worth it anymore.

I don’t believe it.

I just want this to be the last so I never never never have to do this again

I don’t care if there’s nothing out there if it just stops I just want it to be over and done with so I never have to wake up again

I don’t want to be here or there or anywhere

Nothing could make this worth it and I know that because I know that nothing is all that is coming forward and back back and forth

I don’t want to be in this place where everything is beautiful and no one ever sees it

And no one ever sees me and I’m still nothing

So I have to be good as good as I can be so that when the moment finally comes

I know I’ll never have to regardless of whose what is right or not right or everyone is right or no one is right and it does some other fucking thing

Because hell can’t be worse than this so damned I was yesterday or before that or over and over again because

Fuck this place

Look around and tell me what the fuck that we’re doing because I don’t know

The light goes out and there’s no wind and I miss him

I don’t know how to feel about any of it anymore than I ever have or did or will.

Never knowing where I am or why

Now it’s a headache

You don’t hear the chatter between the lines I can’t transpose every rushing racing thought

You don’t know where I paused and stared and got lost

Just like I don’t know you.