Elucidating Questions

How can I tell the world I love you without it sounding foolish and childish

How do I explain that the sound of your voice takes me to a place I never knew I never knew until I found you

How do I explain that my heartbeat is connected to your heartbeat it doesn’t want to beat for anyone else

But your face and your eyes and your awkward little shuffle

And the way you fold in on yourself like a self conscious lily

But you’re so beautiful so I wonder why you fold like you do into you.

The way every word falls as though you agonised over it.

The way your hair falls or doesn’t when it’s long or short

The way it resembles the gold of the thread woven or the blackest plume of the raven

How your eyes hold the ocean on any day

Bright or grey

How your cheekbones curve perfectly and your body is so beautiful in its sinew and wrapping

How did you get so beautiful a wrapping

How did you not see it in the mirror

You’re so beautiful I can’t describe anything quite right

You’re so beautiful that no matter the light you just look so right

I love you your face your mannerisms your movement your folding your nerves your second guessing your confusion your love

I know I can’t have it,

But I love it.

The colour of the violets violet

The hood over your face.

You.

I love you.

I love you so much.

It doesn’t know how to count.

What is it counting?

Things that don’t exist

Of course it’s the best yet you don’t burn out you’re always steady in your own flame

Why are you my melody?

Hear the echoes know it’s not being heard right on purpose

No nothing is like it should be

This is entirely wrong

I can’t find the right words to write you

I just want to fuck and get it over with

So it’ll leave me alone

And I won’t have anymore fire for a few days more

But I know no one is coming.

Even the bus isn’t coming.

You’re wrong now.

Now it’s a lie.

I wish pain was just a place then I could leave it

But pain just leads to more pain and that pain leads further to more pain.

If I leave this place I’ll never have to see anyone’s vehicles

Wouldn’t that be nice

If I could leave this place.

I’d rather erase the past and never live there but where do I go when I want to be anywhere but here

Anywhere but here.

If nothing changes where am I supposed to get a start from when there’s no one and no where.

If I could tell him I did it.

Stopped dead in my tracks and tore apart the past so there’s no future for me either.

And now I have nothing.

Worse than numb.

Stupid and dumb.

If I take responsibility for it

I don’t deserve to live

So

Get to it.

They say you made these choices to decide the life you’re living

This solitary sadness

This love that never matters

So turn over a new leaf

Grow an entirely fucking new new leaf just do it

Suddenly I’m on the moon that waited from bed until now so I could land somewhere familiar

Family

The stone family who is always by my side and can’t ever leave because the sun keeps them here for me

Gravity

And push and pull.

No it’s bigger than you made it now it’s a song about the Styx

And the times I’ve been through it.

It’s autumn fall September ends October

Please could anyone just come over

It’s too late to grow any new leaves don’t you see them falling off the trees it’s too late to start a new life and lead it in the direction I want

Rooted to the ground as they fall all around all the changes I tried that just made me cry and wish I never had to do any of it again

This plan where we all march to oblivion in our own sadness that we all take to the graves like fireflies that shine during the day

Invisible and unimportant in the blinding light never telling anyone never making it right

Never trying to make it better or say anything that could hint that I made any progress I don’t see any of it

I want to go back to the moment I saw the moon and the blue almost hid it but it broke through and I was on the curved white surface

Tilting towards the neverending circle of life that doesn’t make any fucking sense

He couldn’t even afford me an apology

Is that really just how awful I am?

Lost in the dust of this place.

But no one sees the dust.

All the dead skin of the billions before and after.

Be more positive.

The sun never stops shining it’s shining the grass is still green the

Wind kicks up a thousand wishes

Witches and magic ancient wonderings

Dandelions are the rabbits that spring from the ground when you started with one and you wonder where all these yellow pokey heads came from

But before you get the answer they’ve change shape and their thousands of wishes are flying through the air

In the solitary listing through the air you wonder if they’ll ever land

In the dust of billions to start again

Stubborn final wasps

It presses against the screen that separates me from the outside as if I need to protect myself from the outside

Four sad wishes pressed against the pane.

When the wind changes they’ll begin again.

It always goes to waste

It always goes to waste

It can’t be helped

It can’t be helped

It’s just reality

It’s just reality

It’s just life

It’s just life

There’s nothing just about it.