Elucidating Questions

So today we continue in our separated directions

Let’s reminisce about the year that brought us here

How we found each other in this place where no one finds anyone

And then let’s just continue in our separated directions

Striking out against the failure of freedom

We just keep doing what we were doing like there was nothing

There’s a tiny voice in me that wants to say

Let the bear rest he’s on crutches again and I feel so bad

There’s a tiny voice that watched his every move and wants to tell him not to be afraid of the camera

It’s not a gun.

But the voice gets smaller as I continue in this separate direction

And don’t see anything but the nothing I was trying to get away from.

You break me every day

You break me down and I break down at some point

Every day the heartbreak finds me and I wander the halls wailing like a ghost

Like a ghost

I never wanted to be a ghost

I just hope to die every day

It’s not the same I don’t want to be left behind I don’t want to be here any way

In what defense do I call I have none I never had any

Come at me with the sharp things you want to say

They’re true aren’t they?

Or you wouldn’t think it.

It must be true then.

To be thought.

My mind and my body are failing me they want to go back to bed and never get out again

I’m so tired so tired I can’t feel anything

Not even the sting of words said unsaid

Please just follow me

I only thought I knew you wanted me

But I don’t have anyone else

The set up becomes so oppressive

When the build up just leads to a punch line

Building up to bring nothing

Where does the warmth come from when everything is so cold?

It only hurts for a moment

It’s the same thing but slightly different

That I’m here but there’s nothing to be done or said for it

Happy day

For whatever reason

Happy your day

It doesn’t mean anything to say that these are same ones I had before

It’s already broken so what is putting it back together

Does it reach even the darkest places?

The silent great something that I somehow have to believe wanted me here for whatever reason

What is faith and why do I need it when I already uncovered the truth of the demon

Of hope

The strange consequences that are never consequences

I can’t hold it

I don’t want it

Just like I didn’t want the war

Don’t leave me with this monster that tells me it’ll be okay

From my window I can see the lights

I’m fine I tell them

I don’t know what else to say

Telling everyone I’m fine

But who knows the truth

It was never just you who showed me the darkness inside

No one meant to show me

But I find it in the breaks and the way it gets sharp

When they sing the words unlocked from their heart

But sometimes the words mean more to someone else

Sometimes the sound never quite belonged to you

You had to give it up

I don’t see anything here in this dark place

But I know that when the clock strikes

I’ll still be alone

And they’ll all be excited and enjoying all this effort they made to make it a day

But it’s not for me

I’m not invited

It’s already over

I didn’t think this day would come

I didn’t want this day to come

Not like this

Not like this

Probably new music probably announcing the new thing they made

Without me

I really did think we could work together to make something

I was foolish

I was wrong

The grey is just the remaining colour of my soul

I don’t know what you see or think you see

But the colours all washed out

So they’re gone now

I can’t just ignore them then I’ll just be just like them

He didn’t ask for them and when he didn’t want them I was surprised

But what was there to be surprised about?

Who wants to receive hundreds of notes about nothing?

I did it.

I’m just a crazy person.

I keep my word.

Thank God I’m never sober.

Thank fucking god.

What future could I want

I thought I knew what I want but it was proven untrue

I think this is how I decide I don’t want anything

The want doesn’t exist when there is no desire

And the desire decided to be erased

I tried to laugh it off but I couldn’t quite get over the sting so I took it back

Was it on the floor before

The ocean is so fucking blue right now

Deep and dark and blue

I wish I could live there

There’s no money under the waves

I could go wherever I wanted

I could swim anywhere any time

I only wish there was another time

I’m so used to being tossed aside

Far too empty to want to start to know any new faces

Far too hurt to ever want to try again and start it from hello and then

There’s nothing left of me to try to put together the possible tomorrows that never come

Hope is a lie that proves itself in time to be nothing but a shy thought that wanted to trick you into thinking it was worth it

But it never happens and when the time comes to realise it turns around and laughs at you for believing the lies it whispered to you so long ago

Like a fool for ever believing in anything so grand and foolish

It sinks in its teeth and drinks what you made

A sick twisted juice that feeds only the pain

Of never having a tomorrow that’s any better than today

And it drinks until it’s full and then flies away

Laughing and leaving you behind where you stand wishing you just had a hand but as soon as the thought that someone could come

Comes up in the mind it’s back again waiting and whispering false truths

So it can once more make a fucking fool of you.